Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Noah Hofrichter]

Just pushing us towards page 100............

A girl went to Sunday school every Sunday, and was always very board. One day she fell asleep.

The teacher walked over to her, tapped her on the shoulder, and asked her "who is our our creator?"

The girl just gave her a blank look. A boy sitting behind her poked her with a needle so she would wake up, and she shouted "Lord, God, almighty!!" The teacher said, "very good", and went back up front. Well the girl fell asleep again.

The teacher walked over to her again, shook her shoulder and asked "who is our savior?". She started at the teacher with the same blank look. The boy poked her again with the needle, and she jumped up and shouted, "Jesus Christ!!" The teacher said "Very good" and walked back to the front of the class. Again, the girl fell asleep.

The teacher again walked over to her, shook her shoulder and asked "what did Eve say to Adam after they had there last child?" The girl gave the same blank look, and the boy poked her again with the needle. She jumped up and shouted "You stick that thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half!!" and the teacher fainted...........

[Anonymous]

Noah!!!! That was the FUNNIEST joke I have ever heard!!!! I'll be laughing for HOURS at this rate!!!![(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D]

LMAO!!!!!!


Here's my joke of the day, but I don't think it's going to beat Noah's...


Bill just got this realy cool, powerful, and fast European sports car, so he takes it out for a spin. He knows he shouldn't, but he goes way over the speed limit. Pretty soon, just like he worried, he sees the flashing lights behind him. A state trooper pulls him over and walks toward Bill's car. The trooper says, "Tell me an excuse for speeding I haven't heard before and I'll let you go with a warning." So Bill thinks for a moment, then tells him, "Several years ago a cop took my wife and drove off with her. I thought you were bringing her back."

I'll have to keep this in mind-A JOKE OF THE DAY from me except for weekends....
[;)]

[tree68]

And we are at Page 100!

[yeah]
[swg]

[Noah Hofrichter]

Now for post 2000!!

Chris, Glad you liked the joke, got it from a friend at school, not sure where he got it from though.......

[Junctionfan]

If the railroad existed during the time of the Spanish Inquisition, what would the inquisitors want on a manifest train?

1/Pulpwood cars of fire wood for the heritics
2/40 foot tankers of holy water
3/ Bagage cars filled with money
4/ 60 foot highcube boxes of paper for the confessions
5/ 50 foot boxcars of candles
6/ stock cars of sacrificial lambs

Does anybody else have some more?

[Overmod]

You forgot business cars for the 'bigwigs' -- I'm tempted to say that you could start modeling this train with one of the old Con-Cor "Cardinal's Special" trainsets.

Or perhaps the MHCs on the Amtrak "Cardinal" -- you know, the ones with the shackles inside -- were actually intended as "Trenos-da-Fe", as it were. Or would it be worse as "auto-da-Santa-Fe"?

[Anonymous]

A mute who wants to buy a toothbrush goes into a store. By imitating the
action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the
shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
>>
>>
Now if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how
should he express himself?
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
Think about it first, carefully. The answer is below.
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
HAVE YOUR ANSWER?
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >.
>> >> >
>> >> >.
>> >> >
>> >> >.
>> >> >
One-question IQ Test answer
>> >> >
>> >> >
>> >> >
He opens his mouth and says, "I would like to buy a pair of
sunglasses."
>> >> >
>> >> >

You didn't get this wrong, did you ?


>

[miniwyo]

LMAO!!! That was great!! I did actually get that one wrong!!


3 Blondes walk into a bar The Brunette ducked.

[Noah Hofrichter]

Jim, you almost had me fooled, but I got it. Had to think a second though. Really a good joke. Will have to pass this on at school.

Noah

[locomutt]

First of all, Thanks to louisnash for sending me this:

Martha vs. Maxine

>Sounds like Maxine is on top of things: [:D]

Subject: MARTHA VS MAXINE

>Martha's Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.

> Maxine's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it
anyway!

>Martha's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.

>Maxine's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry
for up to a year.

Martha's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
outside of the cake.

>Maxine's Way: Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

>Martha's Way: If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant
"fix-me-up:.

<Maxine's Way: If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.
Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat
it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

Martha's Way: Wrap celery in aluminum foit when putting in the refrigerator
and it will keep for weeks.

>Maxine's Way: Celery? Never heard of it!

>Martha's Way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking
to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

>Maxine's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg white over the crust, so I don't.

>Martha's Way: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

>Maxine's Way: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

>Martha's Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.

>Maxine's Way: Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

>Martha's Way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casserole and sauces.

>Maxine's Way: Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO!!!!!

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt
Subject: MARTHA VS MAXINE
>Maxine's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry
for up to a year.

I'll second that...

QUOTE:
>Martha's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
outside of the cake.
>Maxine's Way: Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

I usually make my cakes from scratch... Even before Martha

QUOTE:
>Maxine's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg white over the crust, so I don't.

See note on cakes, above. Specialty: Apple

QUOTE:
>Maxine's Way: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

Make it a Corona and you're on...

QUOTE:
>Maxine's Way: Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO!!!!!

Don't usually drink wine, but I can support the sentiment.[:p]

[Junctionfan]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

First of all, Thanks to louisnash for sending me this:

Martha vs. Maxine

>Sounds like Maxine is on top of things: [:D]

Subject: MARTHA VS MAXINE

>Martha's Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to
prevent ice cream drips.

> Maxine's Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for
Pete's sake! You are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it
anyway!

>Martha's Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag
with the potatoes.

>Maxine's Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry
for up to a year.

Martha's Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a
bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the
outside of the cake.

>Maxine's Way: Go to the bakery! They'll even decorate it for you.

>Martha's Way: If you accidentally oversalt a dish while it's still cooking,
drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant
"fix-me-up:.

<Maxine's Way: If you oversalt a dish while you are cooking, that's too bad.
Please recite with me the real woman's motto: "I made it and you will eat
it and I don't care how bad it tastes!"

Martha's Way: Wrap celery in aluminum foit when putting in the refrigerator
and it will keep for weeks.

>Maxine's Way: Celery? Never heard of it!

>Martha's Way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking
to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

>Maxine's Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include
brushing egg white over the crust, so I don't.

>Martha's Way: Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

>Maxine's Way: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

>Martha's Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex
dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars
easy.

>Maxine's Way: Go ask that very cute neighbor if he can open it for you.

>Martha's Way: Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casserole and sauces.

>Maxine's Way: Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO!!!!!

I don't know about Martha's Way but it sounds like Maxine will need the latex for something else.[:-^]

[Junctionfan]

Not the funniest thing in the world but here we go...

What do call a magic user that has a bladder problem?

A wizzard.

[Anonymous]

A man is walking along the beach when he sees a bottle. He rubs it and a Genie appears. "I'll grant you three wishes," the Genie says, "But there's just one condition. I'm a laywers' Genie, so for every wish you make, all of the lawyers in the world get the same, only double." The man thinks a minute, then says, "For the first wish, I'd like $10 Million." "Lawyers will get $20 Million," the Genie says. "I'd love to have a Mustang GT," the man says. Insantly the car appears on the beach. "What's your last wish?" the Genie asks him. "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney..."[:D]

That one may take some thought before you get it, but it's a good one once you do!

[CShaveRR]

Sent me by my second-cousin, also Protestant:

Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on
vacation. They were determined to make this a
real vacation by not wearing anything that
would identify them as clergy. As soon as the
plane landed, they headed for a store and
bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts,
sandals, sunglasses, etc.,,,,

The next morning, they went to the beach,
dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were
sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the
sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead
gorgeous" topless blonde in a thong bikini came
walking straight towards them. They couldn't
help but stare.

As the blonde passed them, she smiled and said
"Good morning, Father, Good morning, Father,"
nodding and addressing each of them. They were
both stunned. How in the world did she know
they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store
and bought even more outrageous outfits. These
were so loud you could hear them before you
even saw them.

Once again the two priests (incognito) settled
on the beach, in their chairs to enjoy the
sunshine. After a while, the same gorgeous
topless blonde, wearing a string, taking her
sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she
nodded at each of them, said "Good morning,
Father," and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer
and said. "Just a minute, young lady."

"Yes?" she replied

"We are priests, and proud of it, but I have to
know, how in the world did you know we are
priests--dressed as we are?"

She replied, "Father, it's me... Sister Mary
Francis!"

[Junctionfan]

What do you call 3 naked blondes on a beach?

Good viewing...

[Noah Hofrichter]

Chris, that's great! Will have to pass that one around too.....

Noah

[Anonymous]

This one is so bad I am sending myself to the corner, the corner booth in the coffee shop that is. [;)]



John and Jennifer left the fertility clinic in tears.
They were just told that Jennifer could never become
pregnant. They would never have the family they both
desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think
I can help you," he said, handing them a card.

"Why are you masked?" John asked.

"Because the government has declared our activities
illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor
will take a scraping from one of your mouths and
culture it. In less than a year, we will have your
baby for you."

"This is the answer to our prayers!" Jennifer
exclaimed. Then she turned to thank the stranger but
he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her
husband.

John answered... "That was the Clone Arranger"

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

This one is so bad I am sending myself to the corner, the corner booth in the coffee shop that is. [;)]



John and Jennifer left the fertility clinic in tears.
They were just told that Jennifer could never become
pregnant. They would never have the family they both
desired so fervently.

Suddenly, a masked man appeared before them. "I think
I can help you," he said, handing them a card.

"Why are you masked?" John asked.

"Because the government has declared our activities
illegal. Go to the address on this card. The doctor
will take a scraping from one of your mouths and
culture it. In less than a year, we will have your
baby for you."

"This is the answer to our prayers!" Jennifer
exclaimed. Then she turned to thank the stranger but
he was gone. "Who was that masked man?" she asked her
husband.

John answered... "That was the Clone Arranger"

That's not very good.....

[locomutt]

Jim,
That one was only 2/3rds of a pun; PU!
And the corner booth in the diner,well might not be the best place to be.
I heard rumors about a BIG "doghouse" being built out back. (or was that in the outback?)[:D]

[Junctionfan]

I saw heard this song on a comedy show called Just for Laughs

This is the chorus from "Tonight's the night we're going to get granny plasterd"

When granny gets plasterd, she drinks like a b...(censored-rhymes with plasterd)
She smokes, she shouts she swears

Her legs gets all weavy, it's better than t.v
she throws the piano downstairs

But don't ever doubt it, the best thing about it
When granny's had a few

She doesn't like to drink alone, so she gets us plastered too.

[Anonymous]

Andrew

Due to the fact that several threads have been deleted lately you might want to do a weeeeeee bit of editing on your last post. Just a little friendly advice for you to consider. [;)]

[Noah Hofrichter]

Yahoo! Post 2000! Were over the hill and coasting down on this thread now.

[Junctionfan]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Andrew

Due to the fact that several threads have been deleted lately you might want to do a weeeeeee bit of editing on your last post. Just a little friendly advice for you to consider. [;)]

Thankyou and sorry about that all

I fixed it just now.[8)]

[locomutt]

A new worker at a construction site sat down to eat his lunch with the rest of
the crew. As an older fellow opened his Thermos to pour out coffee, the new
guy asked, "What's that?"
The older fellow said, "It's a Thermos bottle."
"What's it for?" the new guy asked.
"It keeps hot liquids hot and cold liquids cold," the older fellow explained.
The next day, the new guy came to work with his own Thermos.
"Well," the older fellow said. "I see you bought a Thermos. What do
you have in it?"
"Two cups of hot coffee and a glass of cold ice tea."

[Mikeygaw]

a rather messy news article...
http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=817&ncid=757&e=10&u=/ap/20040925/ap_on_fe_st/teacher_bathroom

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Noah Hofrichter

Chris, that's great! Will have to pass that one around too.....

Noah

A few pages back on MR's Coffee Shop I remember that Lupo and maybe Egmurphy had a few good lawyer jokes...

[Anonymous]

Who knows the lyrics to this song?

I broke my bat on Johnny's heaed.. somebody snitched on me....


NOW someone must know this song...

[CShaveRR]

I'm sure it's around--the chorus line of the song is "I'm getting nothing for Christmas."

[locomutt]

An Oldie,But Goldie

FROG LOAN

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller,whose name
is Patrica Whack.

'Ms Whack' he says,'I'd like to obtain a loan to buy a boat.'

Patti furrows her brow and asks,'Well,how much do you want
to borrow?'

'$30,000,'the frog says.

The teller writes this down,then asks his name.

'My name is Kermit Jagger. I'm the son of Mick Jagger.'

'Really?' she asks,eyebrows raised.

'Yes,' he says. Then he digs into his pants pocket and produces
a tiny pink porcelain elephant. 'and I want to use this as
collateral.'

'Ummm,okay,Patti says,accepting the elephant. 'I'll have to
ask the manager about this.'

'That's fine,' he says. 'He'll vouch for me.'

Patti walks into the bank manager's office and explains the
situation. 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who
claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000 to buy a boat.
He wants to use this' -she holds up the tiny pink elephant-'as
collateral. I mean,what the heck is this thing?'

The manager says: 'It's a knick knack,Patti Whack. Give the frog
a loan. His old man's a rolling stone.'

Do Not Throw Rotten Vegatables!

[:D]