Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt
Is that anything like a SINE wave on oscilliscope?[:D][}:)]

If there's no wave, are you "insine?"

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt
Is that anything like a SINE wave on oscilliscope?[:D][}:)]

If there's no wave, are you "insine?"

Not "insine",but possably slightly crazy![:D]

[espeefoamer]

To paraphrase Willie Nelson:
"Iv'e always been crazy,but it's kept me from going insine"![:D]

[Puckdropper]

You know you've been taking too much math when:
You ask your pastor about "Sine" and not "SIN"
When asked how fast you're going, you reply "5 times 11 miles per hour"
You break a cookie in half making sure you got an equal amount of surface area per piece.
When asked how many kids you have, you reply using an exponent. (2 ^ 1)
You don't bother using a calculator (of any kind) anymore.

---More when some of the students here continue this!---

[zardoz]

Kids have the answers:
_____________

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math
multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!
_____________

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but YOU asked ME how I spell it!
_____________

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!
______________

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
______________

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have
today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!
______________

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen..... Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the
same day, same time."
_____________

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down
his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing
it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
______________

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say
prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is
exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

[zardoz]

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it.
So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"

When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."

Don't argue with an idiot; people observing may not be able to tell the difference.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed in a federal building?

Bumper sticker of the year:
"If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier !!"

[Junctionfan]

I can't imagine why anybody would want more than one wife. I would be petrified if I forgot one wedding anniversity never mind multiple ones.

Marriage is like a railroad merger. It seemed like a good idea at a time only the one that "bought" you, has taken the best years out of you and now uses you and doesn't appreciate you. If you don't perform to their expectations they get rid of you. They don't comprimise but they do give orders. Your so called partner buys very little because they are cheap and hate to spend money.

Interesting comparison-why did I think of that; I'm not married yet.
[banghead][?][banghead][:-,][:-^]

[morseman]

Mike and Joe were installing a wall-to-wall carpet in a large living room and just about finished when Jow noticed a bump in the middle of the floor. The owner of the house was not around and Mike & Joe were not about to tear up the whole carpet.. Mike reached into his pocket for his cigaret package but they were not there and he realized they must be under that carpet. Both Mike and Joe took turns stomping on that carpet 'till it had been flattened out......Mike then went to his truck to make out the bill and there on the front seat were his cigarets.......Returning to the house the elderly owner asked the two gentlemen, "Has anyone seen my canary?"

[Junctionfan]

There once was an idiot name Cole
On the NEC he decided to strole
An acela came by
Through his corpse quite high
into the wires caught fire from his goal.

[Anonymous]

A blonde waitress taking an order: "Sir, have you seen my pen?"

The customer: "No, but there is a tampon in your ear".

[Anonymous]

A three legged dog walks into a saloon and says: "Awm lookin' fer the man that shot mah paw".

[Junctionfan]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jruppert

A blonde waitress taking an order: "Sir, have you seen my pen?"

The customer: "No, but there is a tampon in your ear".

Thankyou. That was probably the funniest thing I have heard all day.[bow][(-D][(-D]

[morseman]

George thought his father should go into an old folks home, after all he was 97 years old and living alone. At least go to a doctor and get a complete checkup and the doc will probably tell you, at your age you shouldn"t be living alone.............Anyway, the old man finally went to see a doctor......... The doc gave him a COMPLETE examination, reflexes-ear, nose,throat exam,eyes were 20/20 vision, heart beat and pulse very good, no sign of prostrate trouble, , the old guy even had all his teeth and most of his hair. After nearly 45 minutes , doc asked the guy "to what do you owe your excellent health. Goerge's dad said "I owe it all to the good Lord, he looks after me , for example if I go to the bathroom he turns on the light for me and when I'm finished he turns off the light. The old guy kept telling this to the doctor's questions. Later that evening doc called George and told him what his dad said about the good Lord turning on the light when he went to the bathroom and then turning it off...............to which George replied, "oh don't tell me that, He"s peeing in the fridge again.

[Anonymous]

A hillbilly couple are in divorce court.

The judge askes the husband, " and for what reason do you want a divorce sir".

The hillbilly says, "for one thing your honor, she's a terrible house keeper."

"How might that be?" asked the judge.

"Hell, I can't even take a pee, the damn sink is always full of dishes!!!!"

[zardoz]

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. "Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth! Let's see if we can see the Lord." Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord. At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done."

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the boy on the bike.

[cherokee woman]

That is a real good one, Zardoz. Makes you think, doesn't it?

[locomutt]

Boss to employee:

"experts say humor on the job relieves tension in this time of downsizing"

B-Knock,knock

E-Who's there

B-Not you anymore

[Junctionfan]

Some mergers should be for good reasons. Burlington Northern and Santa Fe was o.k before they used the initials BNSF. How discusting would it be if Illinois Centreal and Union Pacific did the same thing-ICUP.

[espeefoamer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Junctionfan

Some mergers should be for good reasons. Burlington Northern and Santa Fe was o.k before they used the initials BNSF. How discusting would it be if Illinois Centreal and Union Pacific did the same thing-ICUP.

Now we know why their engines are yellow[:0]!

[morseman]

When I went into my interview for a job as morse operator with Canadian Pacific Ry in t1952 in Montreal, The Sup't. put out his both hands and said "this is my left hand and this is my right hand". He then put them behind his back and rolled them around for ten seconds, then put them in front of him again. "Okay", he said, "which is my left hand". Luckily for me, a week before they found so many applicants flunked the test, that they allowed a person a second choice.

[locomutt]

Hope I got this link right:http://www.1funny.com/trainticket.shtml
This one is good.[:)]

[CShaveRR]

Unfortunately for all of them, when they came out their seats had been taken!

(You get what you pay for.)

Seriously, I enjoyed it!

[tree68]

A little "science fiction:"

Imagine if you will . . . the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to the commander in chief. . .
"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the stars."
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat stage."
"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"
"So. . . what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"
"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
"So what does the meat have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat?"
"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."
"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with here?"
"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."
"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."

[vsmith]

That sound exactly like something out of the Hitchhikers Guide! LOL

[Noah Hofrichter]

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"

The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."

"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."

The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."

The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.

A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"

"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

[Anonymous]

I think that maybe this post will start page 100. We will see. [:p]


Subject: In-Law

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told
them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
spend only $150.00?"
The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and
three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance."

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

I think that maybe this post will start page 100. We will see. [:p]


Subject: In-Law

A man, his wife, and mother-in-law went on vacation to the Holy Land.
While they were there the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told
them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her
here in the Holy Land for $150.00."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your
mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and
spend only $150.00?"
The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and
three days later he rose from the dead.
I just can't take that chance."

Well it didn't. Maybe this one will. [:D]

[tree68]

Only 6 (Now 5) posts left to Page 100.

Guy has those headlights that turn off by themselves after you get out of the car - so you can make it to the door, etc. He parks downtown one evening. As he walks away from his car, a passerby points out that his lights are still on. Pausing the requisite few seconds, he turns and "blows" the headlights out, thanks the passerby, and walks on.

Passerby last seen with jaw still on pavement....

[Anonymous]

A local DJ here on April fool's day glued a coffee cup to the top of his car !
The looks he got !![:)]

[locomutt]

Well,here lately there has been a lot about Darth Vadar,so if anyone out there
wants to compare "Rednecks" to any of the "Star Wars" cast,nows your chance.
Hopefully this is correct: http://smilelaughs.com/rrn95.html

I think I got it,it really was a tad to long to put the whole thing up.[:)]