Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking"

[Mookie]

Zardoz - I am printing out the cat/dog one and giving it to the real Mookie!

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Zardoz - I am printing out the cat/dog one and giving it to the real Mookie!

MOOKIE,It won't help!!!!

Owned by three cats,and one dog!!!!![:D]
YOU,tell them they Don't own the place!!![:D]

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Zardoz - I am printing out the cat/dog one and giving it to the real Mookie!

I was thinking of you when I posted; I'm glad you caught it!

[Anonymous]

A man had just bought a brand new Mercedes and on his way home he wanted to see what it could.

So there he is cruising at 60 then 70 and just wanted to pu***he limits on his new car.

He hits about 85 m.p.h. when he sees the lights from the police car so he naturally pulls over.

The Officer approaches and says, "I clocked you going 85 back there and I havve had a long day so if you could give me one good reason to not give you a ticket, I will let you go."

The man thinks for a minute and responds, "Well officer, last week my wife left me for a police officer and I just thought you were trying to give her back."

Then the officer said, "Sir, have a nice night."

[Anonymous]

Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged


SCHIZOPHRENIA -
Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA -
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC -
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA -
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA #8211;
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll
tell you why.

DEPRESSION -
Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE -
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE -
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took
it all away).

[zardoz]

A link to a rather amusing site (turn speakers on).

http://www.rio.com.br/animation/iconstory.htm

[zardoz]

Mookie, this is especially for you, however all cat "owners" will likely find this site amusing.

http://www.badpets.net/BadPets/CatRules.html

[zardoz]

NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES


The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting

The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows.

[wcfan4ever]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES


The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting

The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows.

Now that is funny!!![:D][:D]

[zardoz]

Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas, Buddy"

[zardoz]

One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

[zardoz]

http://www.skyhighairlines.com/main.asp

[espeefoamer]

I didn't know Skyhigh Airlines had thier own website! From reading it,they must be owned by Amtrak![;)]!

[Anonymous]

Is the Skyhigh Airlines a joke? Quite good for fooling people.[:D][:D][:D]

[zardoz]

If you like card tricks, check this very brief video. The language is French (I think), but the actions of the magician speak for themselves!

http://www.gougoule.com/vrl/magic-trick.php

[vsmith]

For those who have a few hours to waste this Holiday season.....try

www.stupidvideos.com

Hours of humor, a few wild commercials, and some really stupid people caught on tape![:D]

[zardoz]

The following is NOT funny, but I wanted to share it with you. And if the term "Prayer" and "Heavenly Father" bothers you, please replace it with "meditation" or whatever works for you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Best Prayer I Have Heard In A Long Time

Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry, and spend a few precious moments with her children.

Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.

Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.

Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity.

Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.

[cherokee woman]

Zardoz, I have only one word to add:

AMEN

[zardoz]

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some *** out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

Really replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"

Without missing a beat, the boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

[zardoz]

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[zardoz]

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".

The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily
chicken...."

Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.

"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion."

"The bad news is that we're losing The Wonderbread Account!"

[zardoz]

How NOT to pull a car out of the snow.

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/snowtow.wmv

[locomutt]

Which Auto/Body shop Sponsered that one?[:D]

[CShaveRR]

Jerks!

[cherokee woman]

Carl, I agree: JERKS AND IDIOTS!!

[espeefoamer]

Should have sent that one to America's Funniest Home Videos[(-D]!

[Anonymous]

Holy Cow!!! Good Job!!!

[Anonymous]

From This Day In History website:

Dec 30

1954 The first color television sets go on sale for almost $1,200.

I was not around yet but still remember as a kid that our tv was still black and white. [:(] By the time men landed on the moon we finally had a color tv. Yes, dad was a little cheap. [:(]

[jabrown1971]

Here's some humor to share. I was just given a weekly planner as a gift from my employer, a trucking company. In the back is a section of 1-800 numbers. Ironically the only one in the travel section is Amtraks. Thought I'd share.