Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office." George Bernard Shaw (Hey it worked for George [8D] [;)] )

"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie." Jim Davis (Sorry Mookie, chocolate cake doesn't qualify as a vegy)

[Mookie]

Mookie has heard of putting zucchini and potatoes in chocolate cake for moisture. So don't try to get that one past me! Chocolate cake is indeed part vegetable!

[zardoz]

Signs You Are No Longer a Kid

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

You answer a question with, "because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

[zardoz]

What is even more depressing is how many of those I can relate to.....

[zardoz]

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn.
I sometimes wonder how we manage to communicate at all!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We must poli***he Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

This was a good time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

She could not live with a live mouse in the house.

It was just a minute *** and over in a minute.

His mistake was putting his left foot forward while putting.

We would probably read more Shakespeare if we understood what we read.

There was a bow tied in the ropes on the bow of the ship.

You should spring that on us next spring!

[dmoore74]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Mookie has heard of putting zucchini and potatoes in chocolate cake for moisture. So don't try to get that one past me! Chocolate cake is indeed part vegetable!

Or just add a little vegetable oil.

[Mookie]

See! That's 2 for Mookie!

[cherokee woman]

Three for Mookie: remember the little "joke" I sent you that said that
chocolate was made from the cocoa bean, which IS a vegetable?

[Anonymous]

Doctors VS Gunowners


Doctors

(A) The number of Physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.


(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

Now Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, that is
80 million.

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of F.B.I.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."


FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR!
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat immediately. We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

[vsmith]

Understanding Engineers - Take One
> >>>>
> >>>> Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said,
> >>>> "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
> >>>> replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
> >>>> business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She
> >>>> threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and
> >>>> said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded
> >>>> approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have
> >>>> fit."
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Understanding Engineers - Take Two
> >>>>
> >>>> To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the
> >>>> glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as
> >>>> big as it needs to be.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Understanding Engineers - Take Three
> >>>>
> >>>> A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning
> >>>> for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
> >>>> "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
> >>>> minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never
> >>>> seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the
> >>>> greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say,
> >>>> what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
> >>>> aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a
> >>>> group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our
> >>>> clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play
> >>>> for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The
> >>>> pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
> >>>> prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm
> >>>> going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's
> >>>> anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't
> >>>> these guys play at night?"
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Understanding Engineers - Take Four
> >>>>
> >>>> What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
> >>>> Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil
> >>>> Engineers build targets.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Understanding Engineers - Take Five
> >>>>
> >>>> The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
> >>>> The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it
> >>>> work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much
> >>>> will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you
> >>>> want fries with that?"
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Understanding Engineers - Take Six
> >>>>
> >>>> Three engineering students were gathered together discussing
> >>>> the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a
> >>>> mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another
> >>>> said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
> >>>> has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one
> >>>> said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
> >>>> toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
> >>>>
> >>>> "Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
> >>>> Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
> >>>> enough features yet"
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
> >>>>
> >>>> An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing
> >>>> whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a
> >>>> mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,
> >>>> building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The
> >>>> artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the
> >>>> passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like
> >>>> both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they
> >>>> will each assume you are spending time with the other woman,
> >>>> and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
> >>>>
> >>>> An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out
> >>>> to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
> >>>> princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his
> >>>> pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and
> >>>> turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you
> >>>> for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket,
> >>>> smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then
> >>>> cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
> >>>> I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the
> >>>> engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
> >>>> his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've
> >>>> told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you
> >>>> for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
> >>>> The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time
> >>>> for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Noah Hofrichter]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[Mikeygaw]

Warning to all dog owners

The Highway Patrol in conjunction with the FBI has issued a warning advising all dog owners to keep their dogs indoors until further notice. Dogs are being picked off one at a time on an almost continual basis throughout the state. They are falling in great numbers. Police in the city advise all dog owners not to walk their dogs!

[locomutt]

OKAY, WHO gave Mookie the weapon ?!!!!!!![:D][}:)]

Now I guess I'll REALLY have to look both ways
before I step out of the house!!!!![xx(]

[Anonymous]

Somebody better call Donald Rumsfeld!!!

[Mikeygaw]

i really feel sorry for mudchicken... but hey, i like chicken

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mikeygaw

i really feel sorry for mudchicken... but hey, i like chicken

SURELY; She wouldn't resort to that...........................................
Gosh,better watch the menu at the diner for awhile.[:D]

[Anonymous]

Where do you all find these stories? They're quite hysterical

[Anonymous]

To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice.

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a high school about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talked about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.


Rule 1: Life is not fair -- get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make a lot right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your
parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life; people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to work at jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

[tree68]

It would be even funnier if it weren't true...

[mloik]

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price District
Representative
Land and Water Management Division

** This is the actual response sent back: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994 being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter... they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.


#8212; Thank You,
Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers

[locomutt]

FOFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![:D]
Guess everything is better by a "Dam Site".

[vsmith]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan


What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****...

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[espeefoamer]

1. A jumper cable walks into a bar.The bartender says,"I'll serve you,but don't start anything."
2.A man walks into a bar carrying a slab of asphalt under his arm.He says"I'll have a beer and one for the road".
3.A sandwich walks into a bar.The bartender says"Sorry, we don't serve food here".

[tree68]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

[mloik]

America's jailbirds don't give up. Disappointed by the criminal justice system, this plucky lot still has faith in the civil side.

Last year, the states spent $81 million defending what state attorneys general called frivolous lawsuits. Here are a few favorites:

A Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for $5 million on the grounds that he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.

A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a "defective haircut" by an unqualified barber.

A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.

A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S. Postal Service.

An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices were secret.

An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.

An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Rogain for his baldness.

An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.

An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.

A Colorado con sued for early release because "everyone knows a con only serves about three years of a 10-year sentence."

[vsmith]

[:p]

QUOTE: Originally posted by mloik



An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.

We'll, even I would sue for for this.......[;)][8D]

[tree68]

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" sobbed Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

[zardoz]

Nine types of boyfriends:

1) Joe Sensitive - "After I wa***he dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup.
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy


2) Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.
Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover.
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ***


3) Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you.
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle.
.

4) Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig


5) Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfil your dreams


6) The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a female dog
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life


7) Ace of Hearts - "After I wa***he dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused


8) The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous."
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"


9) Mr. Right - "While the servants wa***he dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

[zardoz]

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton.
Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days.

Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.
The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding
success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they
discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House,
to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked
tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his
meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just
announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80%
of the items discussed?" Exasperated, the Pope answered. "Yes, but we
were talking about the Ten Commandments."

[zardoz]

Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Computer and Internet Passwords
==========================================================

10. e-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnap.

7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 sign your cat has learned your internet password...

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post!


"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."