Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[locomutt]

With more churches than casinos in Las Vegas, many worshippers
put betting chips in the collection plate instead of cash. Because
there are so many different casinos, the Catholic churches send
the chips into the diocese for sorting.

Once these tokens are sorted, a junior priest hits the casinos, changing
the chips into cash.

What do they call this priest? The chip monk.


A man is recovering from minor surgery when his nurse comes in to
check on him.
"How are you feeling?" she asks.
"I'm okay," he say, "but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used
during surgery."
"What did he say?" the nurse asks.
"Oops."

Courtesy of The Reader's Digest

[AntonioFP45]

QUOTE: Originally posted by equinox

I offer these links to some humorous videos:

for basketball fans: http://abfhm.free.fr/basket.htm

for the more "mature" members: http://snipurl.com/makemyday

ever feel like this?: http://snipurl.com/offtowork

Granny is just too funny![:D][(-D]

[zardoz]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the *&%$#! ice cream truck hadn't come along !!!!

[cherokee woman]

Zardoz, that is a GOOD ONE!!

[zardoz]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a *** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a *** is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a *** is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling,the sky
is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class,"And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Cow! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

[cherokee woman]

Resume

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I
couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly be-
cause it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the tyme.

I attemped to be a deli worker, but any way you sliced it, I couldn't
cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any
patience.

Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but I discovered that I
couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance
company, but the work was just too draining.

I then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't
fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job
as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job ws working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because
it was always the same old grind.

SO, I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB.

Author unknown

[zardoz]

Cherokee Woman--those are great.

It's nice that at least a few others contribute to this silly thread. Hopefully these sometimes makes someone laugh; the world needs more laughter.

[zardoz]

Pedro

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro. "George Bu***o the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the Teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little $hit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said,

"Oh $HIT, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003"

[Tharmeni]

What does any of this drivel have to do with railroading?

[Kathi Kube]

They're funny, and railroaders and railfans have a sense of humor. This thread was set up long ago, and set aside and specified as a non-rail-related place to post jokes and funny stories, so as not to "interfere" with other rail-related threads. If it's not your bag, then just ignore it. No biggie.

Kathi

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Tharmeni

What does any of this drivel have to do with railroading?

It has absolutely nothing to do with railroading.

I was not going to respond to your inane comment, because by doing so I thereby acknowledge your existence. However, since you choose to be insulting, I would like to point out that the title of the thread that YOU CHOSE TO OPEN indicates that it is a humor thread.

If you are such a miserable person that you do not or cannot appreciate the lighter side of life, then crawl back into your swamp and leave us alone.

[Tharmeni]

Wow, Zardoz...what are you so angry about?

My point is tht this is a RR board...there are hundreds of humor boards out there and none of this humor has anything to do with railroading....and there are a lot of good railroad jokes out there, so why aren't they here? Hmmm...although I was a railroader for years and most of the jokes couldn't go on a public board like this.

Hope my remarks didn't cause you to overreact and go out and shoot someone or something. Lighten up. Go do some work for a charity or something. Use your energy wisely.

[chad thomas]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

QUOTE: Originally posted by Tharmeni

What does any of this drivel have to do with railroading?

It has absolutely nothing to do with railroading.

I was not going to respond to your inane comment, because by doing so I thereby acknowledge your existence. However, since you choose to be insulting, I would like to point out that the title of the thread that YOU CHOSE TO OPEN indicates that it is a humor thread.

If you are such a miserable person that you do not or cannot appreciate the lighter side of life, then crawl back into your swamp and leave us alone.

Well said, I'll second that.

Get lost troll.

[Tharmeni]

Dear Chad:

I'll ask my prayer group to pray for you. Sorry about your anger.

[locomutt]

[#ditto] to chad's comment!!

Tharmeni,if you don't like it;DON'T read it !!

[chad thomas]

Don't include me in your prayers. In fact don't includeme in your anything. You are the angry little troll trying to cause problems. You need to get a life and quit being a nuisance in others.

[Tharmeni]

Oops, sorry. Just back from our meeting and we DID pray for you. I hope your anger fades with time. You obviously have serious issues.
So long, Chad. Have fun living your life on your joke board.

[chad thomas]

Tharmeni, You ever read the one about preaching to someone with a sliver in there eye while you got a log in your'se?

Don't flatter yourself. A troll like you could not possably have enough effect on me to make me angry. At best you are like an annoying little bug circling behind my head on a hot summers day.

Yes, I do have issues, one of them is aknowledging trolls like you. I really must quit doing this.

I will have fun in this forum. That's what it is for. Don't let the door hit you on the a$$ on your way out.

[Tharmeni]

Cable business a little slow, Chad?....or are you finally just unemployed?
You are one sorry sum***.

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Tharmeni

Cable business a little slow, Chad?....or are you finally just unemployed?
You are one sorry sum***.

There is absolutely no need to be calling anyone names on here. If you're
going to do that, take your name-calling somewhere else. The forum is
NOT the place for that!!

[Sterling1]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Local Business Looking For Office Help. The Sign In The Window Says:


HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the ***ed sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

What a way to pump air into or out of one's lungs . . .

Extremely amusing on a slow Thursday . . .

Matt

[Sterling1]

Can I change your muffler bearings?
(One from that originated from me Dad)

[Sterling1]

An in-house joke:
"Where's Ruth?"
"I don't know . . ."
"I guess we're ruthless!!!"

Matt

[Tharmeni]

I believe I was called several names leading up to this posting and I've had it with the loser from San Diego.

[chad thomas]

Before you go changing your muffler bearings you should make sure your not low on turn signal fluid.[;)][8D]

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Tharmeni

I believe I was called several names leading up to this posting and I've had it with the loser from San Diego.

Which one?

[Sterling1]

i sincerely happy to see abreak in the fighting . . . please . . . enough ere the entire thread is shut down . . .

[JoeKoh]

my wife wanted me to stop at a yard sale. I told her I have enough grass to mow thank you.(i know i know bad joke)
stay safe
Joe

[Sterling1]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Sterling1

i sincerely happy to see abreak in the fighting . . . please . . . enough ere the entire thread is shut down . . .

This was meant to be an in-house joke . . .

B/c I use proper American English rules . . .

But type with a lousy pace . . .

Makes no snese up above . . .

I don't why I can't spell sense . . .

Might as well stop and wait for tomorrow . . .

[Murphy Siding]

Dear Mr.Tharmeni : I frequent many forums, of many different interests. Someone like yourself usually shows up. What I can't seem to figure out is why? It would seem counter produtive. If you're on a forum, you must have something to say. If all you do is pick fights, it leads me to believe that a) you can't think of anything to talk about, or b) your best friend's name is Beavis. Being an optimist, I'm going to assume a). So.......your profile shows you're from Sarasota Springs, Florida. Where's that?, and what's the closest railroad to you?