Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[CShaveRR]

More convinced than ever that you're part of the family, Kiddo!

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Marriage turns passion into sleeping with a relative!

And just what exactly is wrong with that? My my ex-wife is still my favorite cousin.

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by JoeKoh

Early to bed
early to rise
fish like heck
and prepare the lies
stay safe
joe

or flies! Have a whole houseful of tied flies, to go with my non-fishing skills!

[JoeKoh]

Early to bed
early to rise
fish like heck
and prepare the lies
stay safe
joe

[Mookie]

Since you mentioned Thingies - (my department) - must tell you that if you ever want a side-splitting experience - take the Mookie fishing. The driver finally gave up!

Been known to fish in trees and weeds alike!

Sit in a directors chair and lean over to get bait and end up on the ground - (a la Artie Johnson - Laugh in - he rode a small tricycle and came to a complete halt and just fell over sideways!)

Sunburn easily, so have clothes that cover ever inch of exposed skin and then hold an umbrella for shade. Darn near caused a wreck over that one.

Can't swim, so stay way back from edge of water and let driver untangle line, retrieve line and help get fish out of water. I can take fish off hook, just can't throw it back into water in front of me - lots ended up in dirt behind me - still don't know how I did that!

Casting is a science unto itself. Haven't made a lake big enough for me to cast and get it where I want! Usually ends up across someone's line not even close to me! See above weeds and trees. But then, I don't bowl or play pool for the same reasons!

But - I did hear two funnies - at least I thought they were -

I don't do drugs any more! Now I can get the same result just standing up!

Marriage turns passion into sleeping with a relative!

[Anonymous]

Two for Tuesday . . . . . [:)] [:p]


Heard on a Florida public bus...


"When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your
head and watch your step."

"If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower
your voice and watch your language. Thank you."



Fishing and Red/White "Thingees"

Debbie had never been fishing in her entire life, but
she wasn't about to tell her new rich boyfriend that.
"What? And look like an idiot?" she said to her
girlfriend Rhonda.

After about an hour aboard his yacht, she turned to
her new boyfriend and said, "Umm, those little red and
white thingees? How much do they cost?"

Rick looked at her a little funny, shrugged, and said,
"The float? I guess they're about a dollar. Why do you
ask?"

"I owe you a dollar then. Mine just sank."

(Kinda makes you wonder about hair color, doesn't it?" [8D]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . [:)]


People Who Should've Won This Years Nobel Prize


1. Britney Spears & Eminem
Who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read. [:0]

2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw
Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

3. America''s Oil Companies
For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don''t mix. (Well I wi***hey would stop trying to mix the two, my truck doesn't like their current mixture--too much water [:(!] )

4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon
For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.

5. Bill Gates
For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

6. The Editors of Maxim
For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models. (I wonder if THIS is Kev's fav mag. No probally not, I think I remember him memtioning Playboy a while back [}:)] [;)] )

7. Jared
Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

8. Jennifer Lopez
Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her [censored] caboose. [:D] [:D] [:D]

9. That 300 Pound Guy
Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights. (Well the seats are made for "bulimic teens anyway [:(] )

10. Glaxo
Who has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces. (hmmm, thank God I don't use it [:p] )


These came from www.jokes.com [:)] With Jim adding the additional comments [:D]

HEY!

I have no Subscription Nor have I even Glanced at a Playboy once, thank you very much..

Now Maxim on the other hand, I did have a suscription for.

But i couldn't be bothered to renew it simply because they seemed to be peddaling the same syuff over and over, Girls and beer, Girls in Bikinis and Beer, Girls in Bikinis Giving beer to homless people.. Beer in Bikinis Giving girls to... You get my drift.

So it ALL boils down to..

Should i renew?
[:D]

I;m very split brain on this.

[Mookie]

Vic - this is so funny!

[vsmith]

Architects Engineers and Contractors

An Architect is someone who starts out knowing very little about many things and goes on learning less and less about more and more until they know nothing about everything.

An Engineer is someone who starts out knowing a great deal about very little and goes on learning more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing.

A Contractor is someone who starts off knowing everything about anything but ends up knowing nothing about anything due to his continued association with Architects and Engineers.

[vsmith]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an
hour ago, but I don't know where I am"

The man below says: "Yes you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above
this field between 40 & 41 deg latitude and 120 and 124 deg West longitude.

"You must be an Architect" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man."How did you know?"

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of absolutely no use to me and I still don't know where I am."

The man below says, "You must be a contractor."

"Well yes" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "You don't know where you are, or where you're going and you've made a promises that you can't keep but now you expect me to solve your problem; you're basically in the same position as you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

[Anonymous]

Monday Madness . . . . . [8D]


HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE? Part 2


FIVE - Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day
she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing
paper. "What do I do, just use copier machine paper" the secretary told her.
With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it
on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.

SIX - I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was
towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair
and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in Twister." I asked the
manager what had happened.
He told me that The driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in
the back to make a sandwich.

SEVEN - My neighbor works in the operations department in the central
office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems
with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the
branch banks who had this question: I've got smoke coming from the back of
my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

EIGHT - Police in Radnor , Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a
metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy
machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police
pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling
the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

"Life is tough. It's tougher if you are stupid" ! ! ! [:0] [:p] [}:)] [;)] [:D]

[Anonymous]

Sunday Funnies . . . . . [:p]


These are making the ciber circuit. [8D]


HOW DO THESE PEOPLE SURVIVE? [?] [?] [?]


ONE - Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could
have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets I asked for a half dozen nuggets.
"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter.
"You don't?" I replied.
"We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply.
"So, I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?"
"That's right."
So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.

TWO - The paragraph above doesn't amaze me because of what happened a
couple of months ago. I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few
items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I
picked up one of those "Dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it
between our things so they wouldn't get! mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "Divider" looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?"
I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK" and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.

THREE - A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive
and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing,
she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit
card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."

FOUR - I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
"Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing ! to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm too?" I asked.
"No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to
me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you
drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."



I will post 4 more of these tomorrow. Now you have something to look forward to and laugh at tomorrow. [:)]

[vsmith]

Awesome joke Rick!

[Rick Gates]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flu***oilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flu***oilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next. God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?" [}:)]

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . [:)]


People Who Should've Won This Years Nobel Prize


1. Britney Spears & Eminem
Who, combined, have written more books than they''ve read. [:0]

2. Dr. Phil Mcgraw
Who has managed to convince millions of women to buy his self-help books, despite the fact that his most hight-profile patient, Oprah Winfrey, is an overweight woman with serious commitment issues.

3. America''s Oil Companies
For a lifetime body of work proving that oil and water don''t mix. (Well I wi***hey would stop trying to mix the two, my truck doesn't like their current mixture--too much water [:(!] )

4. Yasser Arafat & Ariel Sharon
For those 2 consecutive days last March when no Israelis or Palestinians killed each other.

5. Bill Gates
For creating the X-Box and convincing Americans that their children need a $200 video game system during a recession.

6. The Editors of Maxim
For managing to create 300 magazine pages a month using no other subjects besides beer and models. (I wonder if THIS is Kev's fav mag. No probally not, I think I remember him memtioning Playboy a while back [}:)] [;)] )

7. Jared
Of the Subway Sandwich fame, whose claim of losing hundreds of pounds and achieving optimum health by eating nothing but oversized, greasy heroes was questioned by no one.

8. Jennifer Lopez
Who, in conjunction with DuPont, developed a synthetic fabric capable of containing her [censored] caboose. [:D] [:D] [:D]

9. That 300 Pound Guy
Who always manages to jam himself into the coach seat right next to yours on coast to coast flights. (Well the seats are made for "bulimic teens anyway [:(] )

10. Glaxo
Who has managed to make "loose stools" a side effect of every one of the drugs it produces. (hmmm, thank God I don't use it [:p] )


These came from www.jokes.com [:)] With Jim adding the additional comments [:D]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Finally Friday . . . . (and none toooo soon) . . . . [:0] [:)]

It is illegal to kill "any living creature".

No wonder we have so many idiots around here. Some of the potential Darwin award winners shouldn't be allowed to drive. [:(!]

Just 2 days ago I was in the middle lane and one of the potential "winners" went from the inside lane, into my lane, to the outside lane, and then took the exit causing cars to slam on their brakes to not hit him. Such driving around here is a daily event. [:(!]

Trust me, I have life insurance. [:p] (Of course it doesn't do ME alot of good, but several people will talk fondly of me when I am gone. lol. ) [}:)] [8D]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Finally Friday . . . . (and none toooo soon) . . . . [:0] [:)]

The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.

If the water is THAT high then Little Rock, North Little Rock, and UP RR are all in B I G trouble. [:0]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Rick Gates

Did you hear about the Railfans. Let's call them, uh, Mikey and Jeff. They attended a local meeting of Raifans each week to exchange sightings, info, pics, stories, etc. They were so delighted with this fellowship of kindred spirits and, became such close friends, that they made a pact with each other to answer the question if there are railroads in heaven. The pact? Whoever dies first, must attempt to communicate with the other and let him know. Years pass, and Mikey passes on. After a week, his spirit appears to Jeff. Jeff says excitedly, "You kept the promise Mikey! Tell me, are there railroads in heaven! Mikey's spirit replys, "Jeff, my friend, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there are railroads in heaven and we have great meetings all the time about them." Jeff says, "That's terrific! What's the bad news?" Mikey's spirit replies, " Well, you're leading tomorrow's meeting!" [:-^]

I was having a heart attack there for a minute!

I thought the bad news was going to be.. there's no women!

Hold on while I retrain my heart to beat.

[Anonymous]

Finally Friday . . . . (and none toooo soon) . . . . [:0] [:)]


From the ArcaMax joke site:


To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chick Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied it with an appraising eye. "We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said finally.

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."



lol, just MY luck. [;)] [:D]


I don't know if the following is true or not but some of the following are funny.


Arkansas Laws (supposedly, these are accurate)

A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.

Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.

The Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.

Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw"

A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot.

Fayetteville: Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.

It is illegal to kill "any living creature".

It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday.

No person shall sound the horn on a vechicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M., according to Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54

Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.

[Anonymous]

Hey, I "knew" them. [}:)] [:p] [;)]

[Rick Gates]

Did you hear about the Railfans. Let's call them, uh, Mikey and Jeff. They attended a local meeting of Raifans each week to exchange sightings, info, pics, stories, etc. They were so delighted with this fellowship of kindred spirits and, became such close friends, that they made a pact with each other to answer the question if there are railroads in heaven. The pact? Whoever dies first, must attempt to communicate with the other and let him know. Years pass, and Mikey passes on. After a week, his spirit appears to Jeff. Jeff says excitedly, "You kept the promise Mikey! Tell me, are there railroads in heaven! Mikey's spirit replys, "Jeff, my friend, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, there are railroads in heaven and we have great meetings all the time about them." Jeff says, "That's terrific! What's the bad news?" Mikey's spirit replies, " Well, you're leading tomorrow's meeting!" [:-^]

[Anonymous]

Since nobody will want to follow that one I guess I will. [:p]

Thursday's Hunor Paper [:)]

Walter emailed me this link. [8D]

http://www.top-greetings.com/A.py?R=20040315,18N3

Exactly what we all wanted to know . . . . . What You Can Do With . . . . . Vodka [:0]

Funny, drinking it is not suggested. [}:)] [;)] [:D]

[Anonymous]

Vic [:D] [:D] [:D]

LMAO

I guess you can "get" too much of a good thing.[}:)][;)]

I have to give your joke "two thumbs up".

And add to that the "5 Stars". [;)]

[vsmith]

Well since were on a religious bent today...

>The Preacher's Salary
>
>There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The preacher went to
>the congregation and asked for a raise. After much consideration and
>discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family
>expanded,
>so would his paycheck. After six children, this started to get expensive
>and
>the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's
>salary. There was much yelling and bickering about how much the clergyman's
>additional children were costing the church.
>
>Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd. "Having children is an
>act of God!" Silence fell upon the congregation. No one dare challenge the
>thought.
>
>In the back of the room a little old lady stood up and in her frail voice
>said: "Snow and rain are also acts of God, but when we get too much, we
>wear
>rubbers!"

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

Once a Baptist - Always a Baptist

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

Being Presbyterian - I am in the minority here at work - this is funny - to me at least!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by espeefoamer

Did you hear about the two gay Irishmen,Patrick Fitzhenery & Henery Fitzpatrick?[}:)]

It took about 3 seconds and this one finally hit home. [B)]

Can't say I laughed though. More of a cringe. [:0]

[CShaveRR]

Once a Baptist - Always a Baptist

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John, he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn't take it anymore.

They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, "You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic."

The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year's Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was setting down to their tuna fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill.

The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent.

The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, "You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish."

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes



Happy St. Patrick's Day to one and all.

Don't eat tooooo much corn beef and green potatoes.

Don't drink toooo much green beer. [}:)] [:p] [;)]

Thanks on behalf of Clan Collin's on my Irish side and Clan Deas on the Scottish side of my family.

I'm wearing my kilt at work today, bit breeezy in cubeville!

So being a scot and irish......would that make you a cheap drunk?

naaa Dan, it means Half of him wants to get drunk, and theres no way in hell the other half will pay for it!

Funny, I dont remember ever seeing you at my pub?

Well your Prices aren't on my "to brag about" list

Your prices have to reange from FREE to FREE.

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes



Happy St. Patrick's Day to one and all.

Don't eat tooooo much corn beef and green potatoes.

Don't drink toooo much green beer. [}:)] [:p] [;)]

Thanks on behalf of Clan Collin's on my Irish side and Clan Deas on the Scottish side of my family.

I'm wearing my kilt at work today, bit breeezy in cubeville!

So being a scot and irish......would that make you a cheap drunk?

I'm actually Scotch-Irish-English and Swedish, I hate myself, the left hand always wants to fight the right hand, I like bad food, a peculier fondess for fish (swedish side?), but have impecable tastebuds for alcohol, and yes, I have a cheap streak, I say i'm Shrewd. I wont buy something because its cheap, I try to get that expensive stuff for the lowest price possible, how about a $180 LGB locomotive for $40?[:0] $150 Piko building for $50?[;)]

Sounds like me...my family's been kicked out of some of the finest countries in Europe. I think the German-Irish part has got the best of me..every time I tie one on I have this overwhelming desire to overrun Poland.......and then there's the French side of my wife's family.....hmmmm the song "there were three german's who crossed the rhine' comes to mind........

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes



Happy St. Patrick's Day to one and all.

Don't eat tooooo much corn beef and green potatoes.

Don't drink toooo much green beer. [}:)] [:p] [;)]

Thanks on behalf of Clan Collin's on my Irish side and Clan Deas on the Scottish side of my family.

I'm wearing my kilt at work today, bit breeezy in cubeville!

So being a scot and irish......would that make you a cheap drunk?

naaa Dan, it means Half of him wants to get drunk, and theres no way in hell the other half will pay for it!

Funny, I dont remember ever seeing you at my pub?