Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by rrnut282

An American teenager was in the
hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an
oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad
told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get
his head to a moving train before he was hit.

I think this guy must be related to that moron who got dragged to death after he threw the rope at a passing train.

[vsmith]

WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get catgut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

All done? Check your answers below!











ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert

8) What color is a purple finch?
*Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.

What do you mean you failed?!
Pass this on to some other brilliant friends.[:D]

[rrnut282]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

You would guess that he shoveled the snow from in front of his own house. Right?
And then someone come and takes "his" spot. As was said on one of the Star Wars movies, "Revenge is a dish best served cold." I wonder just how cold it was? lol [}:)] [;)]

Anyone remember the movie, Fried Green Tomatoes. I might be mixed up but wasn't that the movie where the middle aged lady waits on a parking spot only to have some little sports car zip in front of her and take the spot she was waiting on to park. Then remember what she did? [:p] She took her larger car and bashed the little car numerous times. [:D] [:D] [:D]

B T W, I drive a truck. Don't try to get MY spot. [;)] [}:)] [:D]

You're right about "Fried Green Tomatoes", but the revenge quote is from "Star Trek II 'The Rath of Kahn'" [8D]

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes



Stig Skaar and his family in western Norway found a slightly dented but intact Coca-Cola can inside the stomach of the fish, media reported Friday.

Now if we can get it to eat a little mayo, mustard and relish and some bread, we could drop the whole fish into the ole Bassomatic that they used to advertise on SNL and we'd be good to go..... sandwich and a drink.

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by rrnut282

not official:

A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.

Yes, she does deserve an honorable mention...

[Anonymous]

Did Amtrak have Enron Stock? no wonder their so much bledding CASH

[Anonymous]

Two For Tuesday . . . . [:)]


I may get "hosed" for this one from my fellow firefighters and train forum members but here goes.


From AOL News . . . .

MELBOURNE, Fla. (March 8) - Firefighters responding to emergencies here were in such a ru***hat they forgot to turn off a fryer in their kitchen. So the next emergency call involved a fire that started at their own station.

No one was injured in the blaze Thursday, because all four firefighters working at the time were out responding to several calls.

A Cocoa Beach firefighter was driving past and saw smoke escaping from the firehouse and called 911.

The firefighters from Station 72 then returned to fight the fire at their own station.

The building suffered a combination of smoke and fire damage, and the battalion chief has asked the city for a live-in trailer for the firefighters. He said the fire was accidental and no one would be reprimanded.


This sounds like something I would do. [;)]


Another strange story. Also from AOL News.


Let's Go Fishing

OSLO, Norway (Feb. 20) - Things probably would have gone better without Coke for a codfi***hat swallowed a soda can.

Stig Skaar and his family in western Norway found a slightly dented but intact Coca-Cola can inside the stomach of the fish, media reported Friday.

''I could see something wasn't right,'' Skaar was quoted as saying by his local newspaper, Marsteinen, in the western Norway town of Austevoll, some 185 miles west of Oslo.

The fish, caught in the waters off Norway's western coast, was long and skinny and weighed just a few pounds - far less than the 22 pounds a healthy cod of that length should weigh.

The empty soda can filled the fish's entire stomach, leaving no room for real food.

''It's completely unbelievable that he got the whole thing down,'' Skaar said.

Bergens Tidende, the newspaper in the nearby city of Bergen, reported that cod are notorious for their voracious and indiscriminate appetites.

For example, cods in Norwegian waters have swallowed an 11-pound otter and six frozen hamburger patties, the paper said.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by rrnut282

not official:

Yes, Folks, the wait is over! It's the 2003 Darwin Awards

The 2003 Darwin Award Winner:


And now, the honorable mentions:


A man who shoveled snow for an hour
to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned
with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.

That makes perfect sense to me.

You would guess that he shoveled the snow from in front of his own house. Right?
And then someone come and takes "his" spot. As was said on one of the Star Wars movies, "Revenge is a dish best served cold." I wonder just how cold it was? lol [}:)] [;)]

Anyone remember the movie, Fried Green Tomatoes. I might be mixed up but wasn't that the movie where the middle aged lady waits on a parking spot only to have some little sports car zip in front of her and take the spot she was waiting on to park. Then remember what she did? [:p] She took her larger car and bashed the little car numerous times. [:D] [:D] [:D]

B T W, I drive a truck. Don't try to get MY spot. [;)] [}:)] [:D]

[rrnut282]

not official:

Yes, Folks, the wait is over! It's the 2003 Darwin Awards
> >
> > The 2003 Darwin Award Winner:
> >
> > When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim
> > during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James
> > Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down
> > the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....
> >
> > And now, the honorable mentions:
> >
> > The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
> > machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his
> > insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one
> > of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and
> > lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.
> >
> > ****************************** A man who shoveled snow for an hour
> > to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned
> > with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
> > Understandably, he shot her.
> >
> > ***************************** After stopping for drinks at an
> > illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental
> > patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to the
> > beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the
> > driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there
> > a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental
> > hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable
> > and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for
> > 3 days.
> >
> > ****************************** An American teenager was in the
> > hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an
> > oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad
> > told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get
> > his head to a moving train before he was hit.
> >
> > ****************************** A man walked into a Louisiana
> > Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When
> > the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for
> > all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided.
> > The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill
> > on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the
> > drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money,
> > is a crime
>committed?)
> >
> > ****************************** A thief burst into a Florida bank one
> > day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the
> > guard, the thief yelled, "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A
> > ****-UP!" For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers
> > started. The security guard completely lost it and doubled over
> > laughing. It probably saved his life, because he'd been about to
> > draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and fired before the thief got
> > him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the
> > event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the
> > words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a ****-up!".
> >
> > **************************** Seems an Arkansas guy wanted a drink
> > pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinderblock through
> > a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the
> > cinderblock and heaved it over his head at the window. The
> > cinderblock bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head,
> > knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of
> > Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
> >
> > ****************************** As a female shopper exited a New York
> > convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk
> > called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a
> > detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police
> > apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to
> > the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to
> > stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer,
> > that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."
> >
> > ****************************** The Ann Arbor News crime column
> > reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti,
> > Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk
> > turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register
> > without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk
> > said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated,
> > walked away.
> >
> > ****************************** A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
> > When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on
> > a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police
> > arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a
> > motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the
> > man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose
> > into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the
> > vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh
> > he'd ever had.
> >
> >
> >

[Anonymous]

Seasons Geetings:

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass.

Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.

“Shawn,” said Pat, “can you hear me?”

Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.”

Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”

”Yes, I do Patty,” Shawn strained.

“And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?” said Pat.

“Yes Patty, I do,” whispered Shawn.

''It's a very ‘old’ bottle now, you know,” urged Pat.

“And what are you gettin' at Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.

“Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?”

From: Jokes.com

[zardoz]

What actually surprised me was that, judging by the article, that the trains flush directly on to the ground, rather than using a chemical toilet.

[vsmith]

Well at least its not as gross as one of the earlier posts about the guy getting his arm stuck in the toilet....[(-D]

[CShaveRR]

I can think of several definitions of "flush" that could be used in retelling this story!

[zardoz]

Another comical (except for the passenger) railroad-related event.


AMSTERDAM (Reuters) - A German train passenger on his way to buy a car in the Netherlands, unwittingly dumped 11,000 euros ($13,530) down the train toilet, Dutch police said on Saturday. "While using the loo, his 11,000 euros fell out of his clothes and disappeared down the toilet landing on the railway track," police spokesman Peter van Raaij said.
The man, 38, alerted railway police and the next train stopped so that the ticket collector could retrieve the cash.

He found only 4,000 euros. "Several passengers helped the conductor when the train stopped, but they 'forgot' to return the money, and some had probably blown away," Van Raaij said.

http://news.myway.com/odd/article/id/391228|oddlyenough|03-15-2004::08:54|reuters.html

[Anonymous]

Monday Madness [:D]

Here is a link to a joke. Walter email this to me. [:)]

There are several morals to be learned from this joke. I think you will be able to understand them without my help. [;)]

http://www.top-greetings.com/A.py?R=20040313,18KG

Enjoy the story, just don't eat the cake. [:D]

[Rick Gates]

On with the show.........A preacher dies, and goes to heaven, he sees an Amtrak engineer who has more crowns. He says to an angel, "I don't get it. I devoted my whole life to my congregation." The angel says, "We reward results. Did your congregation always pay attention when you gave a sermon?" The preacher says, "Once in a while someone fell asleep." The angel says, "Right. And when people rode this guy's train, they not only stayed awake, but they usually prayed!" [angel]

[cherokee woman]

Congratulations Zardoz.

This is a good thread, and I think EVERYONE loves reading it. ALSO:

Thank you, Jim, for all the funny jokes.

[Anonymous]

Yes, Zardoz, Good creation, your likely to beat Frankenstein very soon!

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Sunday Edition [:)]

No joke today. [:(]

But I just noticed (and was waiting for) this thread now has over 12,000 views. Isn't that amazing. [:)]

Everyone gets credit for reading and posting in this year. It is the most popular thread in this forum. I am not sure about all the other forums but this is an accomplishment for this forum. [8D]

Special thanks to zardoz for starting this thread. [:)]

Special thanks to everyone who reads or posts in this thread. [;)]

I am looking forward to the next 12,000 views.

So bring on the jokes, stories, links, and whatever. [:o)] [:I] [;)]

Thanks, Jim. And kudos to you for being a regualar contributor to this thread. [tup] Your "today's funnies" are something I look for each time I log on.

And I would also like to thank everyone for their many contributions over these last 5½ months. (do you realize this thread averages 73 views per day!)[bow]

When I began this thread I had no idea I was creating a monster [;)]

WE'RE #1

[Anonymous]

Today's Dilbert was a real good one in the Sunday Province...

I'll explain it best I can...

An employee comes up to ask the boss for a day off so she can go to her twin sisters funeral.....

The boss says why do you want the whole day off to visit a funeral that will only last 15 minutes!!

The employee says that it was her twin!

The boss says, yeah but you weren't identical twins....

The employee says how could you possibly be any more insensitive!

The boss says, ok let's make a deal, you can have the whole day off, if you take my gerbil, who's on his last legs, and put him in the coffin, so I don't have to bury him myself.

The employee says how much longer is he going to live?

The boss says...............depends how much your sister weighs.



OOOOHHHHH, haha [:D]

[Anonymous]

Sunday Edition [:)]

No joke today. [:(]

But I just noticed (and was waiting for) this thread now has over 12,000 views. Isn't that amazing. [:)]

Everyone gets credit for reading and posting in this year. It is the most popular thread in this forum. I am not sure about all the other forums but this is an accomplishment for this forum. [8D]

Special thanks to zardoz for starting this thread. [:)]

Special thanks to everyone who reads or posts in this thread. [;)]

I am looking forward to the next 12,000 views.

So bring on the jokes, stories, links, and whatever. [:o)] [:I] [;)]

[Rick Gates]

Yes! We have our winning historian! Live. From above ground, it's Nora! [:D]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

Jim,

You must've played with that excuse thingy for awhile,my eyes are still spinning
from earlier. I never did find the firetruck.

Actually I only did it about 5 or 6 times and got "firetruck" about 3 times. It was in the last window.

[edblysard]

Yeah Kevin,
Its a real pain when live people keep showing up....
Ed

[Anonymous]

I forogt to factor in they were still Alive

[Anonymous]

OH i get it!!!

[locomutt]

Jim,

You must've played with that excuse thingy for awhile,my eyes are still spinning
from earlier. I never did find the firetruck.

Nora,I believe you are quite right,since you don't bury living people.

[Anonymous]

What's the Riddle part?

[Nora]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Rick Gates

More of a riddle.......Can any of our historians name the 6 American Presidents that were not buried on American soil? [:-,]

Could it be Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush, Clinton and Bush? [:D]

--Nora

[Rick Gates]

More of a riddle.......Can any of our historians name the 6 American Presidents that were not buried on American soil? [:-,]