Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

Hump Day Helpers . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . [}:)] [}:)] [:D]



WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a
motorist and forced him to drive to two different
automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
accounts.


THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and
asked for all the money in the cash drawer.
Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the
store clerk and worked the counter himself for three
hours until police showed up and grabbed him.


DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a
line-up. When detectives asked each man in the line-up
to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll
shoot," the man shouted, "that's not what I said!"


NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!

In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was
arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America
branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a
finger to simulate! a gun, but unfortunately, he
failed to keep his hand in his pocket.


THE GRAND FINALE

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the
high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, Cal. some
folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No
matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their
brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in
almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was
applied.. After about an hour of trying to make it go,
they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there
could tell them what was wrong. A thorough top side
check revealed everything in perfect working
condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up
and down, and the propeller was the correct size and
pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water
to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he
was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE ..
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was
the trailer.

[locomutt]

Almost every guy has one of these (sorry gals)[}:)]

Go to: http://www.humoraddict.com/Jokes/jokes129.shtml

I don't make them, but I damn sure have one!

[Anonymous]

Two For Tuesday . . . . [:)]


A grey goose walks into a bar and says" I'd like a scotch on the rocks." The bartender looks at the goose funny, but goes to get him his drink anyway. The bartender continues to look at the goose so the goose asks, " Hey, what's your deal? Why do you keep looking at me like that?" The bartender says, "Besides the fact that you are a talking goose? Well I actually have a drink named after you? The grey goose replies, "You have a drink named Ron?



Open Mouth . . . . . Insert Foot


A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come inpacks of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, ''I''ve been seeing this girl for a while and she''s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight''s ''the'' night. We''re having dinner with her parents, and then we''re going out.

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He replies, "You never told me your dad owned the drug store".

[vsmith]

The Texas preacher rose with an angry red face.

"Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan!
This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. "

Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

No one moved.

The preacher continued,

"Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke.

"Reverend! There has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klan...

I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets!"





Running away now from the rampaging villagers and their torches and pitchforks...Vic

[Anonymous]

Monday Madness . . . . [:p]


This one is a hoot [:D] [;)] [:D]


Kindergarten Lecture

Attorney General Ashcroft was visiting an elementary school.
After the typical civics presentation, he announced, "All right, boys and
girls, you can ask me questions now."

A little boy named Bobby raised his hand and said, "Mr. Ashcroft, I have
three questions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than
Gore? Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans'
civil liberties? And third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet?"

Just then the bell sounded and all the kids ran out to the playground.

After lunch the kids were back in class and Attorney General Ashcroft said,
"I'm sorry we were interrupted by the bell. Now, you can ask me questions."

A little girl raised her hand and said, "Mr. Ashcroft, I have five
questions. First, how did Bush win the election with fewer votes than Gore?
Second, why are you using the USA Patriot Act to limit Americans' civil
liberties? Third, why hasn't the U.S. caught Osama Bin Laden yet? Fourth,
why did the bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, where's Bobby?"

[Anonymous]

Sunday Funnies . . . . [:D]


Today's Joke

I saw my coworker Joe on Monday morning. I was about
to ask him how his weekend went when I noticed his
black eye, a real shiner, bruises on his arms and a
small cut over the other eye..

"What in the world happened to you? Were you
mugged?", I asked. "Worse" Joe said painfully.

"Suzie and I went to up to that bed and breakfast in
Mendicino this weekend. We met Liz and Kevin there."
He said.

"Well, Sunday morning we were seated at the table with
Liz and Kevin and a couple on their honeymoon. We were
all having breakfast together. "That honeymoon couple
looked at each other with love in their eyes, when he
turned to his new bride and asks 'Would you please
pass the sugar, sugar'.

"We all smiled and Suzie had that look, you know the
'isn't that romantic' look women get. Then Kevin said
to Liz 'please pass the honey, honey.'

Suzie gave a heavy sigh and looked at me.

"The last thing I remember before waking up in the
emergency room was turning to Suzie and saying
'Please pass the tea-bag'."

[Anonymous]

A blonde calls her boyfriend to come over and help her with a puzzle. "What is this the puzzle supposed to be?" asks the the boyfriend. "A tiger" replies the blonde.

The boyfriend arrives and sees a mess on a table. "This puzzle is impossible!"

He then sweeps the "Frosted Flakes" back into the box.

[Rick Gates]

Here goes again......A cowboy in an old west saloon finishes his drink and walks out to leave only to discover that his horse is gone. Furious, he burst open the saloon doors, twirls his six guns and fires a few into the air. Having everyone's attention he exclaims, "Some low down, dirty vermin stole my horse! Now I'm a gonna go has me one more drink, and when I'm finished, my horse better be back outside!" " If it isn't ," he says through his teeth, "I'm gonna have to do what I did in Texas! And I don't want to have to do what I did in Texas!" With that, he steps back to the bar and orders and downs another drink and goes back outside. His horse is back, and he starts to mount, when the bartender comes scurrying out and says, "Mr., I'm, sure glad you got your horse back and all, but; I just gotta know. What happened in Texas?" Our cowboy replies, "Aww, I had to walk home." Better stop there. See Nora's boys by the flashing red lights! Don't want to cross there! lol

[Nora]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Rick Gates

"And by the way," the drunk adds, "it's not a Porch; it's a Lexus." Say good night Nora.......

Okay...Good night Nora.

Liked the joke, keep them coming...

--Nora

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . [;)]


Today's Joke

Differences Between You and Your Boss...

When you take a long time, you're slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough.

When you don't do it, you're lazy.
When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy.

When you make a mistake, you're an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human.

When doing something without being told, you're
overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative.

When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he's being firm.

When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being
rude.
When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original.

When you please your boss, you're apple polishing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he's being
co-operative.

When you're out of the office, you're wandering
around.
When your boss is out of the office, he's on business.

When you're on a day off sick, "you're always sick".
When your boss is a day off sick, "he must be very
ill".

When you apply for leave, you must be going for an
interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's
overworked.

[Anonymous]

Rick [8D]

I liked that one. [:D]

[Rick Gates]

Dharmon- Congrats on those Stars! Since Mookie has us running in circles with that Pi r sq stuff.....Let's try another........ IN NEED OF MONEY FOR HIS BREW, the town drunk decides to hire himself out as a handy-man and starts canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood. He goes up to the front door of the first house and asks the owner whether she has any jobs for him to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," says the owner. "How much do you charge?" "How about fifty dollars?" the drunk replies. The woman agrees and explains that the paint is in the garage. But when she goes inside, her husband, who's overheard the conversation, says, "Does he realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" says the wife. "You're right," the husband admits. "I guess I am being too cynical. He can probably handle it." A Short time later, the drunk comes to the door to collect his money. "You're finished already?" the owner of the house asks. "Yes," says the drunk, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the woman gets her wallet and pays the drunk his fity dollars. "And by the way," the drunk adds, "it's not a Porch; it's a Lexus." Say good night Nora.......

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

I just wanted to make sure it happened, here in the area I spend most of my time.

[bday][bday][bday]

Way to go, those 4 stars look good!

Congradulations on reaching 4 burners on the cooktop!

[JoeKoh]

dharmon
1000 posts!
good job!
stay safe
Joe

[dharmon]

I just wanted to make sure it happened, here in the area I spend most of my time.

[Anonymous]

Finally Friday . . . . Thank God it is finally here. [:)]


I ran across this one at a joke site.


Total immersion geologists: Are you totally obsessed with geology? If so, then you are a total immersion geologist. Here are a few warning signs:

1. You judge a restaurant by the type of decorative building stone they use rather than their food.

2. You manage to turn any conversation into a discussion of geology, as in: "What did you think of that Superbowl game last night?" "I must have missed that conference. Who sponsored it? Geological Society of America?"

3. You refuse to let nightfall stop your field excursions and continue looking at the outcrops using the headlights of your field vehicle.

4. You like rock music only because it's called "rock" music.

5. You will try to claw through the water flowing in a stream to get a better look at the bedrock at the base of the channel.

6. You will walk across eight lanes of freeway traffic to see if the outcrop on the other side of the highway is the same type of rock as the side you're parked on.

7. You name your children after rocks and minerals.

8. You're not sure if you have children.

9. You view non-geologists as subhuman.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

You know - it is really funny if you knew the people involved!

I really can't say I knew them, but I knew who they were. Some of them do fit in the "were" catagory and some fit in the "are" catagory. [}:)] [;)] [:p]

[dharmon]

wee......sorry ...oui, cset vous ples

[Anonymous]

Would you like Fries with that cheeseburger?

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Dan, how can you Quote silent Bob if he's silent?

excellent point Mon ami....(it's french but I have no idea what it means..I could be ording a cheeseburger......or proposing to Kevin for all I know....)

To quote Jay, from the movie Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, ....."The Internet...what the%^&$ is the Internet???"

I stand corrected.

[Anonymous]

Dan, how can you Quote silent Bob if he's silent?

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

Roy..?

...Rodgers?

...Campinella?

It was Roy Clark...BTW I found out on the internet, not by having seen the show...

To quote Jay and Silent Bob.."The Internet...what the%^&$ is the Internet???"

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

That's the one....thank you

[:D]Anytime; glad to be of help.

[vsmith]

Roy..?

...Rodgers?

...Campinella?

It was Roy Clark...BTW I found out on the internet, not by having seen the show...

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Actually, the answer is 42.


vsmith will confirm this.

"I checked The Answer carefully and it is most defintely 42 !,
.....I think the problem was that you never actually knew what the Question was...?"

Super Computer Deep Thought, THHGTTG

[dharmon]

Wasn't it Buck Owens and Roy, Roy.......ahhhh I can't remember?

[edblysard]

Uh Huh,
But who was picking,
and who was grinning?

Ed

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Is this like the engineer can tell the speed of his loco by counting the telephone poles, pi r square the total and divide by 2?

And if any of you take me seriously - think about it!

I do not know about the "pie our square" part, but before the days of a speedometer required in each lead locomotive, that is how we used to calculate our speed....that and mileposts.

[dharmon]

That's the one....thank you

[cherokee woman]

"Where, o where are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over,
and thought I'd found true love,
She met another, and
pluppppth she was gone."