Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[tree68]

I didn't see any mention of him being blonde...[:D]

[Anonymous]

Monday Madness . . . . . [:)]


And Where Were You Last Night?

A good-OLE-boy staggered home late on New Years Eve
after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes
in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as
quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the
darkened entryway.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his
body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprang up, pulled down
his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding
cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway,
then managed to find a large full box of band aids
before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on
each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost
empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way
to bed.

Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and
butt to find his wife staring at him from across the
room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last
night!!!"

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly
at her and replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a
mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open,
the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of
blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot
eyes but, mostly....


...it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs
mirror!"

[Anonymous]

For some reason I just can't find a Bible where the verse reads as the priest read it. My reading of Psalm 129 says nothing of the sort. I guess when the monks were making hand copies a page blew in out of no where and really messed the poor monk up. I sure hope the priest doesn't read his copy during mass. He might get a few odd looks. [;)]

[rrnut282]

SOME CORPORATE LESSONS
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which
one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps
herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel
that you have on. "After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her
$800 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up
in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealth fully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Farther on while changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest Apologized, "Sorry, Sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, farther up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Corporate Lesson 3
Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has preference for Golf.
Moral: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

Corporate Lesson 4
A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 5
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?
"The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Corporate Lesson 6
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull, "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bull S--t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Corporate Lesson 7
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson:
1. Not everyone who s--t on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of s--t is your friend.
3. And when you're in deep s--t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[Nora]

QUOTE: Originally posted by JoeKoh

new product on the market
the Rick whirrly gig
add 2 children and spin him around
Matt and Jay give it 2 high fives

Only problems with this new product are:

There's only one of them, and it is prone to getting wobbly and falling down after about ten minutes. [:D]

Back to R&D...

--Nora

[Anonymous]

What Did the Chimney say to the ALco?





Stop Kid! Your going to make me unemployed!

[Anonymous]

Jim is secretly making fun of my spelling...

no..no.. thats fine jim, i'll remember that...


[:D]

[cherokee woman]

Yeah, I know: I need another pair of eyes so I can see where I'm trying to type, so I type in the correct place!!

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Sunday Funnies . . . . . . . [:)]


I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.


[:D][:p]Love the poem Jim; but I think your PC's spell checker needs a backup spellchecker[:0][}:)]

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

Love the poem Jim, it's cute.[:p] But I think your spell checker needs a spell checker[:0][}:)]

[JoeKoh]

new product on the market
the Rick whirrly gig
add 2 children and spin him around
Matt and Jay give it 2 high fives
stay safe
Joe

[Anonymous]

Sunday Funnies . . . . . . . [:)]


I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Puckdropper

There has been a lot of controversy in the Science world whether there was water on mars. Now, there's conclusive proof:
http://home.online.no/~feldt/wateronmars.jpg

I knew it all along and i can see that woithout a telescope!

[Puckdropper]

There has been a lot of controversy in the Science world whether there was water on mars. Now, there's conclusive proof:
http://home.online.no/~feldt/wateronmars.jpg

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . [:p]


From funbob.com


The Top 10 Songs for Folks Over Fifty


10. Let's Get A Physical

9. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough

8. Johnny B. Olde

7. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything

6. The Lack O' Motion

5. Hair Potion Number Nine

4. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)

3. To All the Girls I've Disappointed Before

2. A Hard Day's Nap

1. Knock Knock Knockin' On The Bathroom Door

[cherokee woman]

Unfortunately, quite a few times. And I'm not just talking about MY life. There are people all over the world that have this attitude.

[Anonymous]

Finally Friday . . . . . Thank God it is ! ! ! [;)]


Has this ever happened to you (or at least jumped to a conclusion), I hope not. [}:)] [;)]


Life Lessons


The woman arrived
At an airport one night
With several long hours
Before her flight.
She hunted for a book
In the airport shop,
Bought a bag of cookies
And found a place to drop.

She was engrossed in her book
But happened to see,
That the man sitting beside her,
As bold as could be,
Grabbed a cookie or two
From the bag in between,
Which she tried to ignore
To avoid a scene.

So she munched the cookies
And watched the clock,
As the gutsy cookie thief
Diminished her stock.

She was getting more irritated
As the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice,
I would blacken his eye."

With each cookie she took,
He took one too,
When only one was left,
She wondered what he would do.
With a smile on his face,
And a nervous laugh,
He took the last cookie
And broke it in half.

He offered her half,
As he ate the other,
She snatched it from him
And thought... ooh, brother!

This guy has some nerve
And he's also rude,
Why he didn't even show
Any gratitude!

She had never known
When she had been so galled,
And sighed with relief
When her flight was called.

She gathered her belongings
And headed to the gate,
Refusing to look back
At the thieving ingrate.

She boarded the plane,
And sank in her seat,
Then she sought her book,
Which was almost complete.

As she reached in her baggage,
She gasped with surprise,
There was her bag of cookies,
In front of her eyes.

If mine are here,
She moaned in despair,
The others were his,
And he tried to share.
Too late to apologize,
She realized with grief,
That she was the rude one,
The ingrate, the thief!

How many times have we absolutely known that something
was a certain way, only to discover later that what we
believed to be true...was not?

[Rick Gates]

I know a recovering alcoholic that was complaining of the weight he had gained since he stopped drinking. I pointed out that he probably wasn't getting as much exercise as he used to. He exclaimed that "I never exercised when I was drinking." So, I countered "The exercise program that you were on had a number of routines: Hitting the bottle - Bending the rules - Stretching the truth - Running into trouble - Jumping to conclusions - Stepping on toes - Dodging responsibilty - Pushing your luck - Carrying a grudge - Throwing fits - Picking up the pieces."

[cherokee woman]

First: Jim, loved your cats/dogs story for today;

Second, Dan, also loved your story on the Scotsman.

Third, Mookie: you're right about that being scary!!!!

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Jim - I love your cats and dogs one and Dan - the driver will like the blue ribbon one!

That's scary isn't it!

AYE

[Mookie]

Jim - I love your cats and dogs one and Dan - the driver will like the blue ribbon one!

That's scary isn't it!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

A few more, I needs some funnies today. [;)]

Seen in a John Deere sales office: The only machine we don't stand behind is our manure spreader.

Just for the non-farming types, some manure spreaders are side discharge. It really pays to determine wind speed and direction before spreading. If you know what I mean. [:o)] [;)] [:D]

[Anonymous]

A few more, I needs some funnies today. [;)]


One of the most successful inventors of all time was the man who invented the haybailing machine. Needless to say, he made a bundle.

What do you call a cow that plays the violin? "Fiddler on the Hoof"

Seen in a John Deere sales office: The only machine we don't stand behind is our manure spreader.

[dharmon]

I may have posted this one before .....who know's I'll blame memory loss on meds and old age......but since we are highlighting the Scots today....

A Scottish gent had been out drinking for most of the night. He decided that home was a wee farther than he desired to walk, so he picked a nice spot on the side of the road to lay down.

Early that morning to two school girls were on their way to class and saw him lying there. One said to the other "I wonder if it's true that they wear nothing under the kilts?"..

The other said "well let's check." So they did.

After they were done checking the first one said.."We should leave something here to let him know we were here..." So she took one of the blue ribbons from her hair and tied it around his _____. Then they went off to school....

A little while later the gent awoke, stood up and decided he needed to part company with some of the alcohol he had consumed the night before.......As he looked down, he saw the ribbon tied on......and said..

"I don't know where ya been lad, but ya won first prize"

ba dum ba

[Anonymous]

A few more thoughts for the day. [;)]


Dear Cats and Dogs,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not
switch positions with each other so there are still
two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my
food. Please note - placing a paw print in the middle
of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that
aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a
racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object.
Tripping me doesn't help, because I fall faster than
you can run.

I cannot buy anything larger than a king-sized bed. I
am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue
to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort.

Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can
actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to
sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the
fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking
tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the
other end to maximize space used is nothing but
sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the
bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and
manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to
claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw
under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must
exit trough the same door I entered. In addition, I
have been using bathrooms for years; canine or feline
attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is to kiss me, then go smell the
other dog's or cat's behind. I cannot stress this
enough. It would be such a simple change for you.

[Anonymous]

Time for the Thursday Edition . . . . . [:p]


Young Love And Its Price


A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding
hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently, then finally the girl looked
at the boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinking...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the
cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the
loch.

Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh I was thinking...perhaps its noo aboot time
for a wee cuddle."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a few seconds.
Then he blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your thoughts,
Angus." "Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot time you let me pewt
ma
hand on yer leg."

The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he
blushed. Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before
the girl spoke again.

"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus. "The young man glanced down
with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "My thoughts are a wee bit more
serious this time."

"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with
anticipation."Aye,"said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness,
began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the first
three pennies?"

[cherokee woman]

What a tragedy[:(] And with boating season starting before too long, let's hope that all
boaters remember AND practice SAFETY getting their boats in the water, and out of the
water. And also hope they remember life preservers, floating devices, etc. to keep them and all their passengers SAFE, WELL AND ALIVE!!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by talbanese

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Hump Day Helpers . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . [}:)] [}:)] [:D]
THE GRAND FINALE

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the
high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, Cal. some
folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No
matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their
brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in
almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was
applied.. After about an hour of trying to make it go,
they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there
could tell them what was wrong. A thorough top side
check revealed everything in perfect working
condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up
and down, and the propeller was the correct size and
pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water
to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he
was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE ..
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was
the trailer.

That's amazing!!

It wasn't the trailer causing the problem, it was the Ford Expidition attached it....

Speaking of boats, trailors, and vehicles attached to them . . . . . I just read an article about 2 days ago about 2 eight year old boys drowning while setting in the truck while their grandpa was finishing tieing the boat onto the trailor after a day of fishing. The truck rolled backward into the water and by standers tried uncessfully to rescue the two boys.

This is a true story. Very sad to hear of it, so don't let anyone in the vehicle until it is ready to pull safely forward and be out of danger.

Oh my God!! That's terrible!!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by talbanese

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Hump Day Helpers . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . [}:)] [}:)] [:D]
THE GRAND FINALE

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the
high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, Cal. some
folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No
matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their
brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in
almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was
applied.. After about an hour of trying to make it go,
they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there
could tell them what was wrong. A thorough top side
check revealed everything in perfect working
condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up
and down, and the propeller was the correct size and
pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water
to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he
was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE ..
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was
the trailer.

That's amazing!!

It wasn't the trailer causing the problem, it was the Ford Expidition attached it....

Speaking of boats, trailors, and vehicles attached to them . . . . . I just read an article about 2 days ago about 2 eight year old boys drowning while setting in the truck while their grandpa was finishing tieing the boat onto the trailor after a day of fishing. The truck rolled backward into the water and by standers tried uncessfully to rescue the two boys.

This is a true story. Very sad to hear of it, so don't let anyone in the vehicle until it is ready to pull safely forward and be out of danger.

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by talbanese

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Hump Day Helpers . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . [}:)] [}:)] [:D]
THE GRAND FINALE

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the
high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, Cal. some
folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No
matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their
brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in
almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was
applied.. After about an hour of trying to make it go,
they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there
could tell them what was wrong. A thorough top side
check revealed everything in perfect working
condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up
and down, and the propeller was the correct size and
pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water
to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he
was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE ..
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was
the trailer.

That's amazing!!

It wasn't the trailer causing the problem, it was the Ford Expidition attached it....

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Hump Day Helpers . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . .. . . [}:)] [}:)] [:D]
THE GRAND FINALE

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the
high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, Cal. some
folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No
matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their
brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in
almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was
applied.. After about an hour of trying to make it go,
they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there
could tell them what was wrong. A thorough top side
check revealed everything in perfect working
condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up
and down, and the propeller was the correct size and
pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water
to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he
was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE ..
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was
the trailer.

That's amazing!!