Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

Would you believe..... (a little train-related humor)

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. (They say the train was named after some wind, and that it was a Greek word, beginning with a "Z", and that it had several cars with some kind of funny glass cupolas on top of them, now this can definitely only be fiction, right? [;)])
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. [zzz]
At 2:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married."
"WOW! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. ([:P])
"Good," she replies. "Get up and get your own bloody blanket!" [:X]

Have fun & be gentle to each other.
Oliver

[dharmon]

or didn't know what to do with all the leftover parts.

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

The joke about Adam and Eve arrived here via a relative, ahead of the forum posting. So what if the Bible didn't use modern vernacular, and the joke didn't mention the serpent or go into the punishment? It was still funny...and if our God doesn't have a sense of humor, Heaven help us!

I dont know who said this first but...

..." the Platypus is proof that God has a sense of Humor..."

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by JoeKoh

KIds
been there! spoiled my neices and nephews and sent them home now its matt can have that chocolate um later!
stay safe
joe

Joe - !!!! Chocolate Um means Chocolate Cake! Missed out again!

Mookie

[Anonymous]

Tuesday's Humor paper . . . . [8D]


At the rate law schools are turning out lawyers by 2035 there will be more laywers than human beings.


Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional Courtesy.


What do you call 250 lawyers at the bottom of the sea.
A very good start.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Oliver Trzok

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
I have no children, but I like this:

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "Don't!" "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve, we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their lives teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day (or better yet, take care of you if they want any kind of inheritance).

AND FINALLY: If you have a lot of tension and get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

Quick, send this on to 10 people within the next five minutes.
Nothing will happen if you don't, but if you do, 10 people will be laughing.

Have fun,
Oliver

Very good and true in so many ways!!! I enjoyed this and have passed it on to others. Thank you!!

[CShaveRR]

The joke about Adam and Eve arrived here via a relative, ahead of the forum posting. So what if the Bible didn't use modern vernacular, and the joke didn't mention the serpent or go into the punishment? It was still funny...and if our God doesn't have a sense of humor, Heaven help us!

[JoeKoh]

KIds
been there! spoiled my neices and nephews and sent them home now its matt can have that chocolate um later!
stay safe
joe

[Anonymous]

Well, here is my Two cents,

I believe every subject in the world has a place on this forum.

I'm not to sure what happened above, because frankly I don't quite understand.

Look, I'm very religious person,and attend church every sunday, However, I'm a very liberal person, and i'm really hard to offend in matters such as that.

Not sure that has helped any, except for the fact this is helping my potsing numbers
[:D]

[Anonymous]

Actually religion and railroading, and politics and railroading go back longer than any of us in the forums, even as long as railroading itself. Years ago I remember seeing an article about "church cars" on the railroads. These cars held church services. And everyone knows that politics worms its way into everything one way or another. Amtrak--politics, mergers--politics, railroads foldings--politics, politics is behind everything in one form or fashion. Politics and religion will always surface given the correct set of events. We have seen very little religion here in the forums, we have certainly seen much more politics--especially in two very recent threads.

[Mookie]

Well, that's good to know - because my boss keeps having "come to Jesus" meetings with his boss, so we have enough religion in this department!

Moo

[dharmon]

Religion and politics ......here on this forum..never happen.....besides we got enough to fight over already.......taking the Canada out of CN or supporting the troops or whether the wind is out of the North Northwest or West Northwest., plain or peanuts........no time for religion or trains

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Hey all [:)]

Just for the record . . . . . Don't take too much "stock" in the Why God Invented Children joke. I know it is a joke but the facts are a little "off" from the events recorded in the Bible. Laugh at the joke if you want, but don't count it as "gospel".

PLEASE NO PREACHING ON THE FORUMS ! Or at least start a different thread for religious and / or political discussions.

My dad frequently said that the two best ways to get people to argue is to discuss either religion or politics. And considering the intensity some threads get when discussing something as mundane as 'which is better emd or ge', I can only imagine how heated other subjects could become.

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Heres a old one,

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo how it's done!

I know, boo hiss....
Ed

This ones way, way,way, way, older...

Why did the Chicken cross the raod?

To get away from Col. Sanders....




Oooucch! I can feel the pain from that one...[xx(]

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Who told you my boss was.... how do you say, elegantly rounded? [:I]

Elegantly rounded......I like that!
[:D]

[Anonymous]

Hey all [:)]

Just for the record . . . . . Don't take too much "stock" in the Why God Invented Children joke. I know it is a joke but the facts are a little "off" from the events recorded in the Bible. Laugh at the joke if you want, but don't count it as "gospel".

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Oliver Trzok

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

Sorry, Oliver, locomutt got me sidetracked, and I lost my train of thought.

Maybe find a HUGE potato fryer, and put the boss in it?

Hey Mook, can YOU think of anything?

Oh, it's OK, I guess if I really didn't like him that much, it would be wiser to turn away from the job than to try to turn anybody into vegetables. (Am I a philosopher, or what?[:o)])
But how do you know the fryer should be HUGE? Who told you my boss was.... how do you say, elegantly rounded? [:I]

Sorry Oliver,

I just figured since just about every other adult if taller than I am (4'7"), it would need to be a huge fryer. I had NO IDEA how tall, big around, or anything else your boss is[:D][:p][:p]

[Mookie]

Heard on the radio - "the only reason I took up excercise is to hear heavy breathing again!"

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

It seems there was an indian that stood on a street corner and every time a pretty lady
would go by, he'd say"Umm. Chance."

This went on for quite a while. Finally, a lady walked by and he said "Umm. Chance."
She turned and asked him, "How come you don't say 'how'?"

He looked back and said, "Me knowum how, me wantum chance."

reminds me of the old TV show F Troop, Sarg asks the Hekawee Chief Wild Eagle how the tribe got its name he tells him that many years ago while looking for a new home, after wandering the praries for several months the chief stepped forward and proclaimed, "we' the heck are we?"

Boy they cleaned up that old joke for TV. Thank goodness!

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Rick Gates

Ok Mookie.....I lied. Here's a few......[}:)] SHE WAS SOOOOO BLONDE...She thought a quarterback was a refund. She thought General Motors was in the army. She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. She thought Boyz ll Men was a day care center. At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote " Sagittarius." She Was Soooooooo Blonde.....She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept. She sent a fax with a stamp on it. Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked ON Phonics." She Was Soooooooooooo Blonde.....She tripped over a cordless phone. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate." She told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK" and "DON'T WALK." She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. She Was Sooooooooooo Blonde....She studied for a blood test. She sold her car for gas money. When she missed bus #44 she took bus#22 twice instead. When she went to the train station and saw a sign that said "Train Station Left," she turned around and went home. She Was Sooooooo Blonde...When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. She thought that if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front." She was Soooooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde....She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. [8]

Mookie is soooo glad she is not a blonde - altho as she gets older, some of her hair is coming in "blonde". [V]

[Anonymous]

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
I have no children, but I like this:

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "Don't!" "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve, we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their lives teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day (or better yet, take care of you if they want any kind of inheritance).

AND FINALLY: If you have a lot of tension and get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

Quick, send this on to 10 people within the next five minutes.
Nothing will happen if you don't, but if you do, 10 people will be laughing.

Have fun,
Oliver

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

Sorry, Oliver, locomutt got me sidetracked, and I lost my train of thought.

Maybe find a HUGE potato fryer, and put the boss in it?

Hey Mook, can YOU think of anything?

Oh, it's OK, I guess if I really didn't like him that much, it would be wiser to turn away from the job than to try to turn anybody into vegetables. (Am I a philosopher, or what?[:o)])
But how do you know the fryer should be HUGE? Who told you my boss was.... how do you say, elegantly rounded? [:I]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

Find Him a Couch,a remote,a ball game and a beer[8][}:)]

Thanks for the suggestion, locomutt, but I'm afraid some couch potatoes still have the ability to boss people around [sigh]

[Anonymous]

It is past midnight on the east coast so that means only one thing. . . . . that it is past midnight on the east coast. [;)] [:D] [}:)]

Time for Monday Madness . . . . [:D] [8D] [:o)]


I think we have seen this one. It came to me tonight in a slightly remodeled form. But hey, we can still laugh (or cry) over it. [}:)] [;)]



NEW ELEMENT - GOVERMENTIUM


A major research institution (MRI) has recently
announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical
element yet known to science. The new element has
been tentatively named Governmentium.

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons,
75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces
called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities
of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected as it impedes every
reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute
amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take
over four days to complete when it would normally take
less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years;
it does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact,
governmentium's mass will actually increase over time,
since each reorganization will cause some morons to
become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some
scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred
to as Critical Morass.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Heres a old one,

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo how it's done!

I know, boo hiss....
Ed

That's quite the Texas culinary treat when he don't make it cross ......'Diller on the half shell

And if the car happens to get both of them...then we got us surf and turf..bring a date!

And for the appetizer . . . . . Turtle soup... from the river . . . to the gunny sack . . . to the pot.

Down home knee slapping good. [;)]

[Anonymous]

The Road Kill grill is alive (dead) and cookin!!

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Heres a old one,

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo how it's done!

I know, boo hiss....
Ed

That's quite the Texas culinary treat when he don't make it cross ......'Diller on the half shell

And if the car happens to get both of them...then we got us surf and turf..bring a date!

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Heres a old one,

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo how it's done!

I know, boo hiss....
Ed

That's quite the Texas culinary treat when he don't make it cross ......'Diller on the half shell

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Heres a old one,

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo how it's done!

I know, boo hiss....
Ed

Well in all my Years, I never heard of that one before

The one Kevin says, although i'm not sure how it goes

Why did the chicken cross the road, and the answer involves a few metals from the periodic table and The derivative of Kai Square...

puts you to sleep after hearing it...

Here's a math Question for you all, one of Kev's favorite

If everyhting times Zero is Zero, and everyhting times infiniti is infiniti...

what's Zero times infiniti?

-Christa

[Anonymous]

Ed, here's another--"what's goin' on?--Nunya, nunya biznis!" Be safe Ed!!"