Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

How do Chineese parents name their kids??


Throw pots and pans down the stairs!!



LOL AHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!



please note: Chinese people really don't do that, I was not insinuating they do, merely stating it for joke purposes. We all know they don't..

[espeefoamer]

Since my car is in the shop today,I thought of this one.If cars aren't contually having litters,why do we have to get them fixed?[?][;)]

[bnsfkline]

This is the first post to reach over 1,000 posts...HAPPY 1,000 "Would you Beleive....A little humor"

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Rick Gates

A drunk strolled into a bank, presented the teller with a check, and asked him to cash it. The teller explained to the woman that she would have to identify herself before he could cash it. So the woman pulled a mirror from her purse, looked at it closely, and confirmed, "Yes, sir. It's me all right."

This joke should go stand in the dumb blonde line...[:)]

Mook

[Rick Gates]

A drunk strolled into a bank, presented the teller with a check, and asked him to cash it. The teller explained to the woman that she would have to identify herself before he could cash it. So the woman pulled a mirror from her purse, looked at it closely, and confirmed, "Yes, sir. It's me all right."

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by JoeKoh

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Thursday's Edition . . . . . [8D]

An oldie from . . . . . who knows where. [:)]


Mike and Joe were talking. Joe says to Mike, "Hey Mike, did you hear that Willie Nelson was just run over by a truck?"

"No", Mike said.

Joe replied, "Yeah, he was playing on the road again."


I can see the rotten eggs and tomatoes coming now. [}:)] Duck [:D]

no watermelon jello!
stay safe
joe

Watermelon jello actually sounds good right about now, especially if it comes with a nice large helping of cottage cheese. [:D]

[JoeKoh]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Thursday's Edition . . . . . [8D]

An oldie from . . . . . who knows where. [:)]


Mike and Joe were talking. Joe says to Mike, "Hey Mike, did you hear that Willie Nelson was just run over by a truck?"

"No", Mike said.

Joe replied, "Yeah, he was playing on the road again."


I can see the rotten eggs and tomatoes coming now. [}:)] Duck [:D]

no watermelon jello!
stay safe
joe

[Anonymous]

Sorry about that last one!![V][V][:)][:D][8D]Welcome to 1000!

[Anonymous]

2 Aggies come ridin' into town on an elephant. All the townsfolk come out and witness the scene. The aggies get thirsty and decide to stop at a bar.

After a couple of beers, they're ready to go. They step into the parking lot and it is full of elephants.

One aggie says "how we gonna find our elephant?"
"Easy,"says the other aggie.

The second aggie starts lifting elephants tails.

The first aggie asks, "what are you doing?"

"Well, when we rode into town, I heard someone say "look @ those 2 *ssH***s on that elephant!"

[Anonymous]

What does Coke taste like? Stale Pepsi!

[Anonymous]

Thursday's Edition . . . . . [8D]

An oldie from . . . . . who knows where. [:)]


Mike and Joe were talking. Joe says to Mike, "Hey Mike, did you hear that Willie Nelson was just run over by a truck?"

"No", Mike said.

Joe replied, "Yeah, he was playing on the road again."


I can see the rotten eggs and tomatoes coming now. [}:)] Duck [:D]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by raakone

Idiot at a ticket counter in Toronto: "I'd like to go to New York City!"
Agent: "Would you like to go by Buffalo?"
Idiot: "No you idiot, I'd like to go by TRAIN!"

Yes! let's smash people from Toronto!
I really like doing that [:D]

Why can't the Toronto Maple leafs connect to the interent?

They can't seem to line 3 W's in a row!!

OHHOOHOHOH!! AHAHAHAAHAAH!!

[rixflix]

what about burning the trash in the back of the yard on a summer evening? Calling all kids!!! In the trash burning barrel was always a good hiding place for hide-and-go seek.
before the fire of course.
And whiffleball until dark!!!

[JoeKoh]

Could ride your big wheel around the block and nothing happened.And we used to play a game called kick the can! Supper was at 6 not on the run.Yes those were the days!
stay safe
joe

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Ah yes - Howdy Doody and one cowboy movie and then they signed off for the afternoon!

We played outside a lot!

Mook

They didn't sign off - Mom just wanted you to think they did. She was watching her soaps!

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Ah yes - Howdy Doody and one cowboy movie and then they signed off for the afternoon!

We played outside a lot!

Mook

it must of been rough growing up back then.....there wasn't even any color in the world until what..the forties.....everthing was balck and white....

[Mookie]

Ah yes - Howdy Doody and one cowboy movie and then they signed off for the afternoon!

We played outside a lot!

Mook

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Yea, Jim, I don't know how we survived it all.

And the house had only ONE tv-usually b&w, with NO REMOTE. HORRORS!!

Who needed a remote? You only had three channels to watch, anyhow!!!! (Maybe Less...)

[bnsfkline]

Bill Clinton, Hillary and Al Gore die in a plane crash and go to heaven
they appear before god....
....God Asks Al
"Well Al Gore, why should I let you into heaven?"
"Oh mighty god, even though I won the popular vote, you did not want me to be president, so thats why I did not become president, I am at your Mercy"
"Wow, You are humble indeed" Said God "Now, Mr. Clinton, Why should I let you in heaven?"
"Even though I had alot of scandels in my term, I could tell you had faith in me, so I am at your Mercy"
"Welcome to heaven, Mr. Clinton, Now Hillary, what about you"
Well, Hillary looks around for a few seconds, and thinks for a moment, and then says "Because I think you are in MY chair!"



Clinton had been telling the truth when he said "I did not have sexual relations with that woman!" He had not been having sex with Hillary

[zardoz]

Yea, Jim, I don't know how we survived it all.

And how about those horribly violent cartoons like Bugs Bunny & Roadrunner, Tom & Jerry, Woody Woodpecker, & such that we were exposed to. Amazing that by now most of us "old folks" have not gone on at least one killing spree by now!

And the house had only ONE tv-usually b&w, with NO REMOTE. HORRORS!!

Of course, the younger ones reading this will think that us old-timers ought to just give up the reminissing and stop comparing then to now. Little do they realize that thirty years from now they WILL be doing the same thing to their 'next generation'. I can hear it all now:
"Can you beleive that back in the early part of the century we actually had to steer our cars, and they only travelled on the ground!!"
"Can you imagine how primitive their two-dimentional video systems were!"
"There used to be a time when people did not have their Federal ID number chip embedded in their skin, and there was not camera surveilance everywhere, and you could actually turn off your computer and not have your house constantly monitored by the government!!"
"How ever did they survive?"

Truly, the old values are crumbling.

[Anonymous]

Hump Day Helpers [:)]



Although this was written by someone else, seems to
apply to many of us from the "early" days. Many
children of today don't have the advantages we had as
kids, with vacant lots to play ball, the need to
improvise to play games with the neighbors and the
abilities to use our imaginations to keep ourselves
occupied.

HOW DID WE SURVIVE

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo
on the same cutting board with the same knife and no
bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I
used to eat it raw sometimes too, but I can't remember
getting E-coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in
the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about
boring).

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in
a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury
with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym)
instead of having cross-training athletic shoes
with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.
I can't recall any injuries but they must have
happened because they tell us how much safer we are
now. Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid
kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Every year, someone taught the whole school a lesson
by running in the halls with leather soles on linoleum
tile and hitting the wet spot. How much better off
would we be today if we only knew we could have sued
the school system.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the
national anthem and staying in detention after school
caught all sorts of negative attention. We must
have had horribly damaged psyches. I can't understand
it.

Schools didn't offer 14 year olds an abortion or
condoms (we wouldn't have known what either was
anyway) but they did give us a couple of baby aspirin
and cough syrup if we started getting the sniffles.
What an archaic health system we had then. Remember
school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something
before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without
computers, PlayStation, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital
cable stations.

I must be repressing that memory as I try to
rationalize through the denial of the dangers could
have befallen us as we trekked off each day about a
mile down the road to some guy's vacant 20, built
forts out of branches and pieces of plywood, made
trails, and fought over who got to be the Lone Ranger.
What was that property owner thinking, letting us play
on that lot? He should have
been locked up for not putting up a fence around the
property, complete with a self-closing gate and an
infrared intruder alarm.

Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and
sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could
have been killed!

We played king of the hill on piles of gravel left on
vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mom
pulled out the 48 cent bottle of Mercurochrome
and then we got our butt spanked. Now it's a trip to
the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49
bottle of antibiotics and then Mom calls the
attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly
vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either
because if we did, we got our butt spanked (physical
abuse) here too . and then we got butt spanked again
when we got home.

Mom invited the door to door salesman inside for
coffee.

Kids choked down the dust from the gravel driveway
while playing with Tonka trucks (Remember why Tonka
trucks were made tough...it wasn't so that they
could take the rough Berber in the family room), and
Dad drove a car with leaded
gas.

Our music had to be left inside when we went out to
play and I am sure that I nearly exhausted my
imagination a couple of times when we went on two week
vacations.

I should probably sue the folks now for the danger
they put us in when we all slept in campgrounds in the
family tent.

Summers were spent behind the push lawn mower and I
didn't even know that mowers came with motors until I
was 13 and we got one without an automatic blade-stop
or an auto- drive. How sick were my parents?

Of course my parents weren't the only psychos. I
recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and
doing his tricks on the front stoop just before he
fell off. Little did his Mom know that she could have
owned our house. Instead she picked him up and swatted
him for being such a goof. It was a Neighborhood run
amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever
been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.
How could we possibly have known that? We needed
to get into group therapy and anger management
classes? We were obviously so duped by so many
societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the
entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we survive?

[Anonymous]

Idiot at a ticket counter in Toronto: "I'd like to go to New York City!"
Agent: "Would you like to go by Buffalo?"
Idiot: "No you idiot, I'd like to go by TRAIN!"

[CShaveRR]

Obviously you aren't a senior citizen yet!

My memory's getting about as short as my...as my...as my...

[Anonymous]

Here's one for ya:

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. A young jogger approaches him and asks him what's the matter.
The old man says, "I'm a multimillionaire, I have a great big house, the fastest car in the world, and I just married a beautiful blonde bombshell " (sob, sob)

The young jogger says, "Man, you have everything I have ever dreamed for! What could be so wrong in your life that you are sitting here in the park crying?"

The old man says, "I can't remember where I live!"

[oX)]

[dharmon]

Nice one Mr Gates..Rick if I may. Welcome to the forums.....we all have a past. Dan

[Rick Gates]

Just my 2 cents...... A little boy asks his Mom one day, " How Old are you? " His mother replies, " Well, son it is not proper to be asking a lady her age! " A bit frustrated, the little boy pushes on and asks, "How old are you then?" Again his mother tells him that this is another question you just don't ask a lady. With tenacity, the little boy says, " Well, you and Dad have been arguing alot lately. Are you getting a divorce?" Whereas, Mother says, "Son, that's between your father and I however; we both love you very much!" The Little boy tells his buddy of this on the way to school the next day and his buddy tells him "Yeah, My mom's like that too! So just do what I did. Look in her purse and check-out her drivers licence. Then you can figure out all that stuff!" So, the little boy goes home and does this. When his mom enters the room he announces, " Mom, I know how old you are! You're !*# " His mother tells him how smart he is getting and he goes on, " Well, Mom I know how much you weigh! You weigh #**@!" Whereby, his mother exclaims that he may be getting a little too smart! He pushes on and announces, " And I know why you and Dad may be splitting up!" Mom asks, " And why do you think that is?" Whereas, he states, "Because you got an "F" in sex!" Rick

[Anonymous]

THIS IS FUNNY

[Anonymous]

Tuesday's edition . . . . . [8D]



Last Laugh

Jon went to dinner at a new friend's house. While they
ate, the new friend's small son kept staring at the
guest.

Finally, Jon asked, "Why are you staring at me like
that, young fellow?"

The kid says, "Daddy told me you were a self made
man."

"I am."

"Well, why did you make yourself like that?"

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Time for the Sunday Funnies . . . . [:D]



Actual Newspaper Headlines #8211;

4. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

No reward, though...

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

Anybody can boil water: you just have to remember NOT to let the pan boil DRY.
Otherwise, you've got a burnt pan on hand. And burnt pans are HARD AS h*** to clean.[8] It has happened to me before[:(]

When I was in Jr High School one of the Home Ec classes (pretty much exclusively girls then) managed to "burn" water. Not only did the pot boil dry, but it was an aluminum pot, which melted.