Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

Monday Madness . . . . . [:)]


The following joke is perfect for Monday Madness. [;)]



The Ranch Hand

One day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand,
"You have done a really good job and the ranch looks
great. You should go into town and kick up your
heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into
town one Saturday night.

However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two
o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around
two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by
the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks." He did.
"Now take off my skirt." He did.
"Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he
did as he was told.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly
pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my
clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

[Anonymous]

Time for the Sunday Funnies . . . . [:D]



Actual Newspaper Headlines #8211;

1. Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told

2. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

3. Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant

4. Stolen Painting Found By Tree

5. Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies

6. Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout
Counter

7. Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years


8. Never Withhold Herpes Infection From Loved One

9. Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84

10. War Dims Hope For Peace

11. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a
While

12. Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

13. Enfield#8217;s Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

14. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

15. Deer Kill 17,000

16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

17. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

18. New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

19. Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft

20. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks



I like # 20. (Jim doing his best impression of W. C. Fileds) Auuuu Yes, I like children . . . . . . fried.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, i'll pretty much drink to that, Mikey.

[Mikeygaw]

if i can't stick it in the microwave, i can't cook it

[Anonymous]

About 2 weeks ago I started a pan of water on the stove and got on the computer. My how times flies when you are on the computer. [:0] Naturally I forgot about the pan until I smelled something "hot". Now I have a pan that is not the same color as the rest of the set. [B)]

Lesson of the Day:

Don't type (computer) and cook. [}:)] [;)]

[cherokee woman]

Anybody can boil water: you just have to remember NOT to let the pan boil DRY.
Otherwise, you've got a burnt pan on hand. And burnt pans are HARD AS h*** to clean.[8] It has happened to me before[:(]

[Anonymous]

And Jim...

I can't even boil water either

Well i can, But the fire department is starting to chrage for appearences now...

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season [:o)]


Today's issue (lol) deals with cooking. Sometimes I have issues with cooking. [:D]
I had an aunt in St. Louis who said she couldn't even boil water. Can you say KFC? [:)]





"Economists report that a college education adds many
thousands of dollars to a man's lifetime income #8212;
which he then spends sending his son or daughter to
college." Bill Vaughan



Straganoff Anyone?

The daughter of a friend of ours is attending college
several hundred miles from home and neither she nor
her roommate are very good cooks.

One night she called her mother because they were
planning to make beef stroganoff but the recipe called
for sour cream and they didn't have any#8212;they wanted to
know if it would work ok if they used yogurt. Her
mother said they were very similar and it would
probably be okay.

A few days later she was talking to her daughter again
and asked her how the stroganoff was and she said not
very good, it tasted sort of strawberry.




Cooking Lesson # 1

Upon going away to college, my former brother-in-law
received a hand mixer from his mother because of his
fondness for mashed potatoes. Later that semester, she
asked him how the mixer was working for him.

"Not very good," Terry said, "the potatoes keep flying
all over the kitchen."

After a perplexed pause, his mother asked, "Terry, did
you cook the potatoes first?"

To which a suprized Terry responded, "You have to cook
the potatoes first?"

To this day, I still get a chuckle thinking about
Terry chasing potatoes around his kitchen with a hand
mixer.

~Martin P.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Ok now i have one... it's kinda bad.. but oh well

[#dots]
Your Family's dead.

Hmmmmm... Perverse, yet somehow appropriate for Friday the 13th...

GRRR Wong tong soup! I KNEW I should have saved it until tommorow to tell that one...

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Ok now i have one... it's kinda bad.. but oh well

[#dots]
Your Family's dead.

Hmmmmm... Perverse, yet somehow appropriate for Friday the 13th...

[Anonymous]

Ok now i have one... it's kinda bad.. but oh well

A telegram man arrives at a persons house, the sleepy man answers the door, to which the telegraph man sais, i'm Sorry sir... this telegram-

The sleepy guy cuts him off and says, YES! i've always wanted a singing telegram!

The telegram man responds, well this isn't a singing tellegram

The sleepy man now angry told the guy.. your Going to sing my damn tellegram now!!!

So sarcasticly the telegram man starts... clapping and going Da-da-da-da-da

he goes on for about a minute

da-da-da-da-da-da clapping and whistlting ..da..da.da..da..da..d.a.d.a..da.aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Your Family's dead.

[Anonymous]

One more joke for today.



Today's Story

My father-in-law had asked for a telephone on several
occasions after the phone companies began
concentrating on servicing the rural areas in the mid
to late 50's, but on each occasion his name and
address had been taken and placed on the telephone
companies waiting list for the very next phone when an
opening became available. After a couple of years of
waiting for a phone he told his wife one day he was
going to town and get a phone.

While he was in town on this particular day he went by
the phone company and was again told he would be
placed on their list for the very next available phone
in his area. On this day my father-in-law told the
phone company employee he was going to make an opening
when he returned home.

Naturally, the phone company employee wanted to know
how my father-in-law thought he could make an opening,
when they did not have an opening.

The reply from my father-in-law was, Well you know
those twelve to fifteen telephone poles which go
across my cotton field that I have been plowing around
for the past many years, when I get home I intend to
cut them down and burn them so I can plow straight
rows of cotton in the future.

The phone company service person was installing a new
telephone at his home when my father-in-law returned
from town that afternoon.

~ James N.

[Anonymous]

I mine as well join Ed and Vic... So I might be next to get kicked out..

George and Laura Bush were on a private jet en route to a public speaking in Florida.

After staring out the window with a curious look on his face he turns to Laura and says, "Hey Laura, how about I throw a $100 bill out of the airplane and make a person happy?"

Laura replies, "Well, why don''t you just throw two $50 bills out of the airplane and make two people happy?"

George W. thinks about this and replies again with excitement, "I know what I'll do! I'll throw five $20 bills out of the airplane and make five people happy!"

The pilot of the jet turns around with frustration and says, "Why don't you both jump out of the airplane and make the whole damn world happy?!"

[Anonymous]

Vic and Ed, I think alll of your jokes wewre vey good!!

LOL

Your gonna die!!!

LOL

[Mookie]

A very wise husband!

[Anonymous]

Finally Friday [:D]


>
> > You know, I've never been much for shopping
> > In fact I try to stay away from town
> > Except when shipping time comes,
> > I ain't easily found.
> >
> > But the day came when I had to go
> > And I left the kids with ma
> > But before I left she asked me,
> > "Would you pick me up a bra?"
> >
> > Without thinkin' I said "sure,"
> > How tough could that job be?
> > I bent down and kissed her
> > And said, "I'll be back by three."
> >
> > Well, when I done the things I needed
> > I started to regret
> > Ever offering to buy that thing,
> > I was working up a sweat.
> >
> > I crossed the street to the ladies shop
> > With my hat pulled over my eyes,
> > I wasn't takin' any chances
> > On bein' recognized.
> >
> > I walked right up to the sales clerk
> > I didn't hem or haw
> > I told the lady right straight out,
> > "Ma'am, I'm here to buy a bra."
> >
> > From behind I heard some snickers
> > So I turned around to see
> > At least fifteen women in the store
> > And they's all gawkin' at me!
> >
> > "What kind would you be looking for?"
> > "Well," I just scratched my head
> > I'd only seen one kind before
> > "Thought bras was bras," I said.
> >
> > She gives me a disgusted look
> > "Well sir, that's where you're wrong.
Come with me," I heard her say,
> > And like a dog, I tagged along.
> >
> > She took me down this alley
> > Where bras was on display
> > Well I thought my jaw'd hit the floor
> > When I seen that lingerie.
> >
> > They had all these different styles
> > That I'd not seen before
> > I thought that I'd go crazy
> > 'fore I left that women's store.
> >
> > They had bras you wear for eighteen hours
> > And bras that cross your heart
> > There was bras that lift and separate,
> > And that was just the start.
> >
> > They had bras that made you feel
> > Like you weren't wearing one at all
> > And bras that you can train in
> > When you start off when you're small.
> >
> > Well I finally make my mind up
> > Picked a black and lacy one
> > I told the lady,
> > "Bag it up," And figured I was done.
> >
> > But then she asked me for the size.
> > I didn't hesitate.
> > I knew them measurements by heart,
> > "Six and seven eighths."
> >
> > "Six and seven eighths, well sir,
> > That really isn't right."
> > "Oh yes ma'am, I'm positive,
> > I just measured them last night."
> >
> > I thought that she'd go into shock,
> > Musta took her by surprise
> > When I told her that my wife's bust
> > Was the same as my hat size.
> >
> > "That's what I use to measure with,
> > I figured it was fair
> > But If I'm wrong I'm sorry ma'am."
> > This drew another stare.
> >
> > By now a crowd had gathered
> > And they's all crackin' up
> > When the lady asked to see my hat,
> > To measure for the cup.
> >
> > When she finally had it figured
> > I gave the gal her pay
> > I turned to leave the store,
> > Tipped my hat and said, "Good day."
> >
> > My wife heard the whole story
> > 'fore I ever made it home
> > She'd talked to fifteen women
> > Who'd called her on the phone.
> >
> > She was still a-laughin'
> > But by then I didn't care
> > Now she don't ask and I don't shop
> > For no more women's underwear.


Folks, I usually clean up the ">", but I am just too tired this morning. Sorry. [B)]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Thursday's Humor Paper [}:)]


Today I am going to post a link that was emailed to me. I don't have time now to take a long look at the site but just a short look seems interesting to me.

I hope this is a site where you can email soldiers in the field and let them know how much you support them. I thought about making this a seperate thread but was afraid it would turn political. I believe we could all use a little break from the "political field" since several of the threads lately have turned into free for alls over politics.

If you would like to email our soldiers then check out the site and see what it says it do. I will, but it will be later when I can get to it. This is something I have wanted to do for a while but I just didn't know how to go about it.

Please forget about the politics and remembers the soldiers are our brother sand sisters, fathers and mothers, aunts and uncles, counsins, friends, etc. I am sure a little encouragement from home would make them feel wanted and welcome.

http://www.adoptaplatoon.org/

Jim,

Pretty cool. There is a lady who lives down the street from me who started a project to help the troops. Her son wanted an Air Conditioner so his mom sent one (to Iraq). He loved it so much he asked for more (joking) she took it and ran with it. She got Home Depot involved and the local community and sent more back to the troops. She has since expanded the items. Pretty cool stuff.

Attached below is a link to the website showing what they are doing and how you can help.

http://www.operationac.com/dw_pages/shipping.htm

[Anonymous]

Kev Mac Man [:p] (or some of our other Canadian Friends) [:)]

Hey, sometime in the near future would you check into what military units the Canadians have serving with the efforts overseas to restore freedome. I personally would like to send them something too to show my support and thankfulness for their help. Hopefully some others will do.

If someone can provide a link like the one I listed for the American troops but for the Canadian troops it would be helpful. THANKS [:)]

[tree68]

And, to get things back on a lighter note, an oldie-but-goodie:

Ontario's best known annual event is the Shakespearean Festival held in Stratford. Even the hotels go all out naming rooms after the Bard of Avon's plays.
A bride refused to spend her wedding nite in a suite called "Taming of the Shrew." The hotel staff showed the couple to another (as yet unnamed) suite.

The following morning, the blushing bride found she had spent the nite in the "Much Ado About Nothing" suite.

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Thursday's Humor Paper [}:)]


Today I am going to post a link that was emailed to me. I don't have time now to take a long look at the site but just a short look seems interesting to me.

I hope this is a site where you can email soldiers in the field and let them know how much you support them. I thought about making this a seperate thread but was afraid it would turn political. I believe we could all use a little break from the "political field" since several of the threads lately have turned into free for alls over politics.

If you would like to email our soldiers then check out the site and see what it says it do. I will, but it will be later when I can get to it. This is something I have wanted to do for a while but I just didn't know how to go about it.

Please forget about the politics and remembers the soldiers are our brothers and sisters, fathers and mothers, aunts and uncles, counsins, friends, etc. I am sure a little encouragement from home would make them feel wanted and welcome.

http://www.adoptaplatoon.org/

I didn't spend a lot of time on the site, either, but my contact with Adopt-a-Platoon has been much more than just email. In fact, some of the platoons simply don't have email - they are too far foward.

I work on a military installation, one from which a large number of troops are deployed to both Iraq and Afghanistan. The installation has a fairly active Adopt-a-Platoon program, My (civilian) organization has adopted a couple of platoons in the past several years, and I can tell you without question that the troops appreciate the support.

With the significant amount of NG and Reserve units being sent "over", it shouldn't be hard to find a local platoon to adopt. Check with your local National Guard and Reserve public affairs people, or, of course, the public affairs office at any military installation you may be near. If they don't have anyone deployed, they can probably point you to someone that does.

It's really best if a group adopts. That gives you more resources to obtain the stuff you send in the "Care" packages. What to send? Magazines (keep 'em clean - culture clash), phone cards, treats (except chocolate - it doesn't do well in the heat), cards and other games. Get a good rapport going with your unit and they'll tell you what they can use. It might be frivolous, it might be toothbrushes.

And don't underestimate community support of your group's efforts. A collection box in a local store (with a wish list) can be very productive.

Regardless of your politics, the troops need and deserve our support.

[Anonymous]

Thursday's Humor Paper [}:)]


Today I am going to post a link that was emailed to me. I don't have time now to take a long look at the site but just a short look seems interesting to me.

I hope this is a site where you can email soldiers in the field and let them know how much you support them. I thought about making this a seperate thread but was afraid it would turn political. I believe we could all use a little break from the "political field" since several of the threads lately have turned into free for alls over politics.

If you would like to email our soldiers then check out the site and see what it says it do. I will, but it will be later when I can get to it. This is something I have wanted to do for a while but I just didn't know how to go about it.

Please forget about the politics and remembers the soldiers are our brother sand sisters, fathers and mothers, aunts and uncles, counsins, friends, etc. I am sure a little encouragement from home would make them feel wanted and welcome.

http://www.adoptaplatoon.org/

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Oliver Trzok



A question for Vic (vsmith) - do you like the fabulous furry Freak Brothers comics? I saw you mention them in the MR forum. I think they're great! I have one of them in my computer (6 pages, each a 140KB .jpg image - I can email it to you if you wish?)

Best regards,
Oliver

Sure, I dig the underground comics from the 70's some of the most creative stuff ever penned. The Freak Bro's, Mr Natural, Fritz the Cat, I even have a copy of "Air Pirates" which Disney's Stormtrooper Lawyers sued the pants of the artist for copyright violations.

I look forward to seeing them, maybe a new desktop for my computer, eh? If you havent had a chance to see some movies on some of the comic artists, I can recommend some good movies.

[#offtopic]

"Comic Book Confidential" is very hard to find but its the single best movie on the subject, a history of comic book from William Gaines father who invented the comic book to the graphic novels of today. with interviews with all of the artists and almost all of the underground artists from the Haight -Ashbury era. Very good stuff, probably the best of this list.

"Crumb" about R.Crumb is a very good movie but a hard movie emotionally to watch, his life was pretty screwed up with his family and the movie captures it and his art . But definetly worth seeing.

"American Splendor" just out his year is a terrific film about Harvey Pikar, a VA file clerk who was a friend of R. Crumb, who liked his stories about his daily life and work and took his stories and drew the comics around them. Pikar's life was also pretty screwed up and the movie really catches it too through actors, interviews, and drawings. another very good film, its up for a Oscar, but I forget the catagory.

Later, Vic

PS I guess my telling the untellable joke didnt go over so well, Oh Well, I thought it was a hoot...Maybe I spoiled the mystery.

[zardoz]

Oliver-

I would like it very much if you emailed the Freak Bros to me; I used to really like them!!

ps--your joke was great! I love that kind of humor.

[JoeKoh]

Mookie
I was talking about one you could pet(unless you want one from the middle of the road)
and me has a Name?
Welcome to the Forums Christa!!!!
stay safe
joe

[Mookie]

[Mookie]

Ed - did anyone get any candy on Halloween - or just small rodents! I have a healty respect for anything that low to the ground and if one of them was at my door on Halloween - I am not sure I would give out candy. Maybe just throw it out in the yard!

I did "pet" Julius Squeezer one time - I think his name says it all - and found out something about the anatomy of a snake. And that's all I'm gonna say!

[Anonymous]

If this joke isn't 'working', don't blame the translator [angel]

An American tourist is driving (rent-a-car, OK?) through the Croatian woods, headed for the beautiful Adriatic coast, when suddenly he spots something rather unusual. Under a large oak tree near the road in the middle of nowhere, a man and a bear are sitting at a table, playing chess! He pulls over, takes out his digital camera, and says: "Good afternoon, sir! I hope you don't mind me taking some pictures of you and your incredibly smart bear playing chess?" "Him 'incredibly smart'?!" exclaims the man, " And how come then that I'm leading 5:3?!" [:I]

A question for Vic (vsmith) - do you like the fabulous furry Freak Brothers comics? I saw you mention them in the MR forum. I think they're great! I have one of them in my computer (6 pages, each a 140KB .jpg image - I can email it to you if you wish?)

Best regards,
Oliver

[Anonymous]

Now if my previous two posts weren't enought help, it is time for Hump Day Helpers.



Daily Thoughts


Shopping is a woman thing. It's a contact sport like
football. Women enjoy the scrimmage, the noisy crowds,
the danger of being trampled to death, and the ecstasy
of the purchase.




To my neighbors who let their dog use my yard as a
bathroom: "I'm gonna do the same thing to your yard,
and I don't have a dog!" [}:)] [:D] [;)]

[Anonymous]

I was at Home Depot today and the lady running the cash register had a little figure setting on the register. I asked her if that was Mr. Home Depot. She told me it was Mr. Wonderful. OK, I know I don't get out to the mall very often (it takes a team of wild mules to get me there, and then keeping me there is another story--I HATE shopping) so I am a little behind on the latest "things".

But Mr. Wonderul is a little guy (man) figure that says things that a women would absolutely love to hear from her guy. Sorta like this, "I don't want to watch the game today dear, I just want to be with you." Or, "Honey, let's cuddle." LOL, now I know that women think differently then men. So guys, this might be a "nice" gift this Valentine's Day IN ADDITION to the roses and candy and dinner. Just a little helpful thought from one guy to another. [;)]

Oh KEVIN, I hope you read this 3 times. [:)] [:p] [:D]

<Kevin, you will not get a snake for Christa.>

<Kevin, Christa wants Roses, and a wonderful Dinner at a nice restaurant.>

<Kevin, you are getting sleepy.>

<Kevin, when you awake, you will forget all about snakes.>

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Anyone got any Fake sankes for immediate Post to Canada, Ie. my place?

Some people will never learn . . . . . [}:)]

Hey Ed, what that saying about . . . . . buy their books and send them to school? lol

Something tells me it will be better NOT to be in Montreal this Valentine's Day. [;)]

Kevin, a word to the wise, NO SNAKES , read my lips (or post) NO SNAKES.

There is another old saying about Hell has no furry like a scorned women. Kevin, if you know what is good for you, stay away from snakes, live, frozen, plastic or otherwise. You just made 1000 posts, we would all like to have you around for at least another 1000. And don't get any ideas about rats in the icebox either. Be a little old fashioned for one day of the year and buy Christa (such a beautiful name) a nice box of chocolate in a lovely red heart shaped box and a dozen red roses. Trust me, you will fair much better with these than with SOMETHING ELSE. [:D] [;)]