Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

Finally Friday . . . . . . . [^] [:o)] [8D]


Some more "Corny" jokes. [:D] [;)] [:D]


While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a
display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty
pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought
my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked "Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in
one." [:0] [B)] [}:)]



Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation.

He said, "I did that by accident."

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."

He replied, "How did you know?"

She said, "Because you didn't say [censored] afterwards. [:0] [B)] [:p]

[cherokee woman]

Jim, am surprised you didn't have something ralating to APRIL FOOLS DAY!!!!

Your little funnies are cute (some of them, anyway) as well as being CORNY.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

jhhtrainsplanes,

Where do you get these? They are so corny!

Corny -- yes, but still good for a chuckle. [:p] [:)] [:D] [8D] [;)]

[zardoz]

jhhtrainsplanes,

Where do you get these? They are so corny!

[Anonymous]

Thursday's Humor Paper . . . [:)]


Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder

1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.



A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how
long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."

"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.




Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."




The investigation of Martha Stewart continues. Her recipe for
chicken casserole is quite efficient. First you boil the
chicken in water. And then you dump the stock.

[cherokee woman]

Vic, both of these are good!

[vsmith]

Male or Female???

You know how they say a boat is referred to as "She" and classified as female?
Well, I believe everything in this world actually does have a gender,
and here are some of them:

ZIPLOC BAGS are male, because they hold everything in, but you can always
see right through them.

SHOES are male, because they are usually unpolished, with their tongues
hanging out.

PHOTOCOPIERS are female, because once turned off, they take a while
to warm up.

TIRES are male, because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

HOT AIR BALLOONS are male, because to get them to go anywhere you
have to light a fire under them and, of course, there's the hot air part.

SPONGES are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

THE SUBWAY is male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

AN HOURGLASS is female, because over time, the weight shifts to the
bottom.

HAMMERS are male, because they haven't evolved much over the last
5,000 years, but they are handy to have around.

A REMOTE CONTROL is female .. Ha! You thought I'd say "male". But
consider this: it gives men pleasure, they'd be lost without it, and
while they don't always know the right buttons to push, they keep on trying.

[vsmith]

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, Jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob and Rebecca whisper for a second or two, then Jacob says to the pharmacist:

"We've decided we'd like to use this store for our Bridal Registry"!

[JoeKoh]

QUOTE: Originally posted by emory

Birdy, birdy in the sky,
Dropped a whitewash in my eye,
I'm not sad,
I don't cry,
I'm just glad
that cows don't fly!!

Unknown author.

played cow chip bingo before.I'll let the helpers double check the card.[:)]
stay safe
Joe

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by emory

Birdy, birdy in the sky,
Dropped a whitewash in my eye,
I'm not sad,
I don't cry,
I'm just glad
that cows don't fly!!

Unknown author.

just wait a few more years!

[Anonymous]

Birdy, birdy in the sky,
Dropped a whitewash in my eye,
I'm not sad,
I don't cry,
I'm just glad
that cows don't fly!!

Unknown author.

[Anonymous]

Opps it's past midnight Now i'm in a very deep tiredness

DOGGY

[CShaveRR]

Thank Goodness you posted this the night before...[i]after 7 PM![/!]

The danger is gone, right?

Oops, it's now after midnight...now I'm in really deep....!

[Anonymous]

I am going to start the Wednesday edition just a little early. [8D]

Hump Day Helpers [:)] [:p] [;)]


This from Top-Greeting.com


Chain Letters

To all my friends, thanks to you sending me chain letters in
2003:

* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good
for removing toilet stains.

* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle
infected with AIDS.

* I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because
they cause cancer.

* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and
sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that
someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.

* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me
to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from Hell
with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.

* I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the estrogens
they contain may turn me gay.

* I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are
nothing other than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or
feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonald's
can sell their Big Macs.

* I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I
will get sick from the rat *** and urine.

* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account, a sick
girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times.
Funny, that girl, she's been 7 since 1993...

* I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I made expecting the
$15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I
participated in their special e-mail program.

* My Ericcson phone never arrived and neither did the passes for
a paid vacation to Disneyland.

IMPORTANT NOTE:
Unless you tell 1,200 people in the next 10
seconds, a bird will crap on you today at 7 PM.

[locomutt]

That was a GOOD one Vic!!!!!!!

I'm still LMAO!!

[Rick Gates]

These are responses you may use when caught sleeping on the job:

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap a described in the management course you sent me."

"Whew! Guess I left the cap off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!"

"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

"I was doing Yoga excercises to relieve my work related stress."

"Darn! Why did you interupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken......"

"Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot....."

"......in Jesus' name. Amen." [angel]

[vsmith]

No comments, just read......


A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Unbeknownst to her, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball." The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that **** again"

[Anonymous]

Follow the yellow brick road ... ur link. [}:)] [;)]

This pic give new meaning to the term "BAD Hair Day". [:D]

http://www.funny-pet-pictures.com/pics/dogs/81.html

(I guess it would help to post the link . . . yes, Jim was blond in his earlier years.) [:)] [:p] [}:)] [8D] [;)]

[CShaveRR]

I just had the occasion a couple of weeks ago to pull a variation on that old line. My daughter accompanied her boyf...fiance! on a trip out to Ames, Iowa, to visit his cousin. Our main line goes through Ames, so naturally I asked her whether she had seen any trains.

"I saw the tracks."

"Well," says I, "there must have been one, then!"

She just rolled her eyes, but he enjoyed that one a lot[(-D]...must have led a sheltered life out in San Diego!

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Rick Gates

Here we go again.....
Two blonds were walking through the woods when they came upon some tracks.
"They are deer tracks," says one.
"I think they are bear tracks," says the other.
Suddenly, they are hit by a train!
I had to do it Mookie! [;)]

Brings up a true story from the Mookie - when I was first dating the driver, we used to take long drives in the country so he could get used to his new surroundings (or lack of). We found some railroad tracks and since he knew right up front I loved trains - he pointed them out to make sure I had seen them. I spoke right up and said "Yes, I saw them and there has been a train thru here very recently!"

He was so impressed with my knowledge on trains and was thinking this was going to be a good deal - a really smart companion. She can look at the tracks and tell by the shine on them that there has been a train!

So I smiled sweetly and batted my eyes and said "it left it's tracks!".

I guess I came very close to walking home that day!

Not quite as bad as 1st husband - just bought a brand new '65 Chevy Malibu - only a few miles on it. First date. He was smoker. Used matches cuz old car didn't have lighter. We are both so nervous we could hardly breathe. So trying to be very macho, pushes in lighter, cigarette in mouth - lights it, rolls down the window and throws the lighter out.....

I wasn't nervous after that - actually was in tears laughing!

Mookie

[Rick Gates]

Here we go again.....
Two blonds were walking through the woods when they came upon some tracks.
"They are deer tracks," says one.
"I think they are bear tracks," says the other.
Suddenly, they are hit by a train!
I had to do it Mookie! [;)]

[Anonymous]

Two For Tuesday . . . . . . . [:p] [:p]



Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a
husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men
increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once
you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor;
if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the
place, never to return.


A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some
husbands...


First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women
read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not
loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.


Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's
further up?"


Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,
"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.


Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,
are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic
streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us
further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.


Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove
that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we
hope you fall down the stairs."



Next Joke:


Years ago, when my daughter was expecting her second
baby, my husband and I traveled to the airforce base
where they were stationed so we would be able to take
care of their first daughter when the new baby was
born.

We arrived at their house in the evening and little
Jane was bathed and ready for bed. Her mother told her
to go tell everyone good night so she dutifully kissed
everyone, including her mother's tummy and told us all
goodnight and scampered down the hallway.

Suddenly she stopped and said, "Oh I forgot." Running
over to her grandpa she reached up and kissed his
rather portly stomach and announced quite matter of
factly, "I forgot to kiss grandpa's baby goodnight."

[Kozzie]

Hey crew, this one has American spelling, so you may have seen it, but it's really good...[:)] Kozzie

Why Parents Go Grey

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialled the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What's going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

[Rick Gates]

Another observation.
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.....you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison.......you get three meals a day.
At work..........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison.......you get time off for good behavior.
At work..........you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison.......a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
At work...........you must carry around a security card and unlock and open the doors
yourself.

In prison........you can watch TV and play games.
At work...........you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison........you get your own toilet.
At work...........you have to share.

In prison........they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work...........you cannot even speak to your family or friends.

In prison........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
At work...........you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison........you spend most of your life looking through bars and wanting to get
out.
At work............you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

In prison.........there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work............they are called managers. [:0]

[Anonymous]

Monday Madness . . . . . . . [:p]


Alex (Alaskaman) sent me these. [:o)]


TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, British
for Warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, French for
submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for
equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS
you have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead. You put the blame on
some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to
mankind you wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS
you have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS
you have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a
month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad cows.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS!
You have two cows. You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS
you have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS
you have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cute cartoon
cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
you have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest
anyone reporting the actual numbers.

IRANIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know economy.
You choose one of them as the leader of your country and the other
one as the president.

[Anonymous]

Sunday Funnies . . . . . . . [:)]

(Well it is almost Sunday . . . on the East Coast that is [:D] )


Here is a link that is perfect for a Sunday. [:)]

http://www.dobhran.com/humor/GRhumor56.htm

[JoeKoh]

Jim
People always say have fun at work.Now if work was fun wouldnt they call it Fun?
hmmmm
stay safe
Joe

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . . [:)]


These sound like something George Garlin would say. [:p]


And before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Can you set your laser printer on stun?

Is it truly possible to have a civil war?

Ah, but if all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Most car accidents occur within five miles of home... why, then doesn't everyone move 10 miles away?

And if one synchronized swimmer drowns, must the rest drown also?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

And if you are born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done?

Is it not so that Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse?

[Rick Gates]

Recieved this in an email from a friend. Where did the white man go wrong? An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation......smoking his pipe.....and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The chief nodded this was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied......"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." The chief then leaned back and smiled........"White man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that !" [%-)]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

QUOTE: Originally posted by macguy

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

This links too good not to share.....
Why Video-phones are a lousy idea..did you ever want to do this to someone?
http://clarkson.edu/~wirkusf/stfu.swf
PS this needs sound

...I didn't think her singing was that bad.... [%-)]

I looked up "annoying" in an on-line dictionary, and they showed that clip (minus the wallop)...[:D]

LOL VIC... hahahahah!

LMAO!!

it's so mean, but funny as hell!