Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Mikeygaw]

now that is something i'd classify as "so bad that it's actually funny"

[tree68]

Speaking of phones:

George calls his wife from work, for whatever reason. She’s a little PO’d when she finally answers the phone – he got her out of the shower and she didn’t even have time to grab a towel and she’s dripping all over the floor. They discuss whatever he called about and hang up. George immediately calls over a co-worker, quietly tells him something, dials his home number again, and hands the phone to the co-worker.

The thoroughly miffed wife answers the phone and hears, “Hello, is George there? Oh! Look at you! And all wet, too!”

Scream. Clunk.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

This links too good not to share.....

Why Video-phones are a lousy idea..did you ever want to do this to someone?

http://clarkson.edu/~wirkusf/stfu.swf

PS this needs sound

That's the funnest thing I have seen since MXC on Spike TV.

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

LMAO!!!!!!!!!

me2

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

Speaking of phones:

George calls his wife from work, for whatever reason. She’s a little PO’d when she finally answers the phone – he got her out of the shower and she didn’t even have time to grab a towel and she’s dripping all over the floor. They discuss whatever he called about and hang up. George immediately calls over a co-worker, quietly tells him something, dials his home number again, and hands the phone to the co-worker.

The thoroughly miffed wife answers the phone and hears, “Hello, is George there? Oh! Look at you! And all wet, too!”

Scream. Clunk.

This sounds like my first husband .....

He is no longer with us!

[Anonymous]

My sound card doesn't work right now. I was told she is singing and singing very badly. [B)]

My question is:

Was the guy prosecuted for assault [B)] [:0]

OR

Given a medal for public service. [:p] [}:)] [;)] [?]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Marriage turns passion into sleeping with a relative!

And just what exactly is wrong with that? My my ex-wife is still my favorite cousin.

Dan, Dan Dan!

I am of course kidding. I am still married to my first wife. She's from Oklahoma..but she cleans up good....and wears a purty dress every now and then.

Woha Woha Time-out, Madame Mook, Attendez une minute! (wait a minute) SO your saying it's NOT alright to go to Family Reunions to pick up women?

NOW what do I do with my Girlfriend?

Feed her to the wolves?

[Rick Gates]

On with the show (and mindful there's no webcam here)! ONE DAY TWO FACTORY WORKERS start talking on the job. It's still pretty early in the morning, but one of them is totally looped. "I think I'll take some time off work," says the straight guy. "How are you going to do that?" asks the drunk. The straight guy proceeds to demonstrate --- by climbing up to the rafters and hanging upside down. The boss walks in, sees the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asks him what on earth he is doing. "I'm a light bulb," the guy answers. "I think you need some time off," says the boss. With that, the man jumps down and walks out of the factory. The drunk begins walking out, too. "Hey!" calls the boss. "Where do you think you're going?" The drunk hiccoughs and answers, "Home. I can't work in the dark." [8]

[Anonymous]

quote:
On with the show (and mindful there's no webcam here)! ONE DAY TWO FACTORY WORKERS start talking on the job. It's still pretty early in the morning, but one of them is totally looped. "I think I'll take some time off work," says the straight guy. "How are you going to do that?" asks the drunk. The straight guy proceeds to demonstrate --- by climbing up to the rafters and hanging upside down. The boss walks in, sees the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asks him what on earth he is doing. "I'm a light bulb," the guy answers. "I think you need some time off," says the boss. With that, the man jumps down and walks out of the factory. The drunk begins walking out, too. "Hey!" calls the boss. "Where do you think you're going?" The drunk hiccoughs and answers, "Home. I can't work in the dark."


CLASSIC !!!

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Marriage turns passion into sleeping with a relative!

And just what exactly is wrong with that? My my ex-wife is still my favorite cousin.

Dan, Dan Dan!

I am of course kidding. I am still married to my first wife. She's from Oklahoma..but she cleans up good....and wears a purty dress every now and then.

Woha Woha Time-out, Madame Mook, Attendez une minute! (wait a minute) SO your saying it's NOT alright to go to Family Reunions to pick up women?

NOW what do I do with my Girlfriend?

Feed her to the wolves?

Kevin - you got wolves?

[Anonymous]

Thursday's Paper [:o)]



"I have read your essay about your horse," scowled the teacher, "and it's exact the same as your sister's from last year."

"Well, duh!" says the student, "It's the same horse."





This guy has been working as a bag boy in a supermarket for five years.

One day the supermarket gets new orange juice machines, and the bag boy is realexcited and asks the manager if he can work the juice machines.

The manager says no.

The bagger says, "But I've been working here for 5 years, why can't I run the juice machines?"

The manager goes, "I'm sorry, son, but, baggers can't be juicers."





A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other battie buddies smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly flapped around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good," said the first bat, "Because I DIDN'T!"







One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."



These are from the ArcaMax Joke site. [:D]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

This links too good not to share.....

Why Video-phones are a lousy idea..did you ever want to do this to someone?

http://clarkson.edu/~wirkusf/stfu.swf

PS this needs sound

...I didn't think her singing was that bad.... [%-)]

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by macguy

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

This links too good not to share.....
Why Video-phones are a lousy idea..did you ever want to do this to someone?
http://clarkson.edu/~wirkusf/stfu.swf
PS this needs sound

...I didn't think her singing was that bad.... [%-)]

I looked up "annoying" in an on-line dictionary, and they showed that clip (minus the wallop)...[:D]

[Rick Gates]

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A.1 You need 250 lawyers just to lobby for the research grant. A.2 It takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb. A.3 You won't find a lawyer to change a light bulb. Now, if you are looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb.......... A.4 Whereas the party of the first part, also known a "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, eludication, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entranceway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by aforementioned agreement between the parties. [zzz]

[Anonymous]

A question (again): what does LMAO mean?
My guess is "laughing my a.. off" [%-)]

Thanks, regards & have a nice weekend everyone!!!

[Anonymous]

Finally Friday . . . . . . . . . . [:)] [:p] [:D]

(Oliver . . . . . BINGO you win the booby prize. [;)] )


Here is a cute group of pics. If you look at more than the first one you might want to skip the 3rd one. [B)]


http://www.funny-pet-pictures.com/pics/cats/89.html


Mookie will like most of them. [8D]

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Finally Friday . . . . . . . . . . [:)] [:p] [:D]

(Oliver . . . . . BINGO you win the booby prize. [;)] )


Here is a cute group of pics. If you look at more than the first one you might want to skip the 3rd one. [B)]


http://www.funny-pet-pictures.com/pics/cats/89.html


Mookie will like most of them. [8D]

Did you notice Mookie isn't in any of them? Otherwise - Awwww

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Marriage turns passion into sleeping with a relative!

And just what exactly is wrong with that? My my ex-wife is still my favorite cousin.

Dan, Dan Dan!

I am of course kidding. I am still married to my first wife. She's from Oklahoma..but she cleans up good....and wears a purty dress every now and then.

Woha Woha Time-out, Madame Mook, Attendez une minute! (wait a minute) SO your saying it's NOT alright to go to Family Reunions to pick up women?

NOW what do I do with my Girlfriend?

Feed her to the wolves?

Kevin - you got wolves?

I can find some if Worse comes to worse.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

QUOTE: Originally posted by macguy

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

This links too good not to share.....
Why Video-phones are a lousy idea..did you ever want to do this to someone?
http://clarkson.edu/~wirkusf/stfu.swf
PS this needs sound

...I didn't think her singing was that bad.... [%-)]

I looked up "annoying" in an on-line dictionary, and they showed that clip (minus the wallop)...[:D]

LOL VIC... hahahahah!

LMAO!!

it's so mean, but funny as hell!

[Rick Gates]

Recieved this in an email from a friend. Where did the white man go wrong? An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation......smoking his pipe.....and eyeing two U.S. government officials sent to interview him. "Chief Two Eagles," asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You have seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done." The chief nodded this was so. The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?" The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied......"When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex." The chief then leaned back and smiled........"White man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that !" [%-)]

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . . [:)]


These sound like something George Garlin would say. [:p]


And before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Can you set your laser printer on stun?

Is it truly possible to have a civil war?

Ah, but if all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Most car accidents occur within five miles of home... why, then doesn't everyone move 10 miles away?

And if one synchronized swimmer drowns, must the rest drown also?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

And if you are born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

If you try to fail, and succeed, what have you done?

Is it not so that Disney World is a people trap operated by a mouse?

[JoeKoh]

Jim
People always say have fun at work.Now if work was fun wouldnt they call it Fun?
hmmmm
stay safe
Joe

[Anonymous]

Sunday Funnies . . . . . . . [:)]

(Well it is almost Sunday . . . on the East Coast that is [:D] )


Here is a link that is perfect for a Sunday. [:)]

http://www.dobhran.com/humor/GRhumor56.htm

[Anonymous]

Monday Madness . . . . . . . [:p]


Alex (Alaskaman) sent me these. [:o)]


TRADITIONAL ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies and the economy grows.
You retire on the income.

INDIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You worship them.

PAKISTAN ECONOMICS
You don't have any cows.
You claim that the Indian cows belong to you.
You ask the US for financial aid, China for military aid, British
for Warplanes, Italy for machines, Germany for technology, French for
submarines, Switzerland for loans, Russia for drugs and Japan for
equipment.
You buy the cows with all this and claim of exploitation by the world.

AMERICAN ECONOMICS
you have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
You profess surprise when the cow drops dead. You put the blame on
some nation with cows & naturally that nation will be a danger to
mankind you wage a war to save the world and grab the cows.

FRENCH ECONOMICS
you have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.

GERMAN ECONOMICS
you have two cows.
You reengineer them so that they live for 100 years, eat once a
month and milk themselves.

BRITISH ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
They are both mad cows.

ITALIAN ECONOMICS!
You have two cows. You don't know where they are.
You break for lunch.

SWISS ECONOMICS
you have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you.
You charge others for storing them.

JAPANESE ECONOMICS
you have two cows.
You redesign them so that they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create cute cartoon
cow images called Cowkimon and market them worldwide.

RUSSIAN ECONOMICS
you have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 17 cows.
You give up counting and open another bottle of vodka.

CHINESE ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim full employment, high bovine productivity and arrest
anyone reporting the actual numbers.

IRANIAN ECONOMICS
You have two cows.
You don't know economy.
You choose one of them as the leader of your country and the other
one as the president.

[Rick Gates]

Another observation.
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.....you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

In prison.......you get three meals a day.
At work..........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

In prison.......you get time off for good behavior.
At work..........you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

In prison.......a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
At work...........you must carry around a security card and unlock and open the doors
yourself.

In prison........you can watch TV and play games.
At work...........you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

In prison........you get your own toilet.
At work...........you have to share.

In prison........they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work...........you cannot even speak to your family or friends.

In prison........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
At work...........you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

In prison........you spend most of your life looking through bars and wanting to get
out.
At work............you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

In prison.........there are wardens who are often sadistic.
At work............they are called managers. [:0]

[Kozzie]

Hey crew, this one has American spelling, so you may have seen it, but it's really good...[:)] Kozzie

Why Parents Go Grey

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialled the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper "Hello."

"Is your daddy home?" he asked

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your
mommy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What's going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned, and even more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:

"ME."

[Anonymous]

Two For Tuesday . . . . . . . [:p] [:p]



Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a
husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men
increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once
you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor;
if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the
place, never to return.


A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some
husbands...


First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women
read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not
loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.


Second floor

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are
extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's
further up?"


Third floor

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women,
"Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.


Fourth floor

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,
are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic
streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us
further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.


Fifth floor

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove
that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we
hope you fall down the stairs."



Next Joke:


Years ago, when my daughter was expecting her second
baby, my husband and I traveled to the airforce base
where they were stationed so we would be able to take
care of their first daughter when the new baby was
born.

We arrived at their house in the evening and little
Jane was bathed and ready for bed. Her mother told her
to go tell everyone good night so she dutifully kissed
everyone, including her mother's tummy and told us all
goodnight and scampered down the hallway.

Suddenly she stopped and said, "Oh I forgot." Running
over to her grandpa she reached up and kissed his
rather portly stomach and announced quite matter of
factly, "I forgot to kiss grandpa's baby goodnight."

[Rick Gates]

Here we go again.....
Two blonds were walking through the woods when they came upon some tracks.
"They are deer tracks," says one.
"I think they are bear tracks," says the other.
Suddenly, they are hit by a train!
I had to do it Mookie! [;)]

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Rick Gates

Here we go again.....
Two blonds were walking through the woods when they came upon some tracks.
"They are deer tracks," says one.
"I think they are bear tracks," says the other.
Suddenly, they are hit by a train!
I had to do it Mookie! [;)]

Brings up a true story from the Mookie - when I was first dating the driver, we used to take long drives in the country so he could get used to his new surroundings (or lack of). We found some railroad tracks and since he knew right up front I loved trains - he pointed them out to make sure I had seen them. I spoke right up and said "Yes, I saw them and there has been a train thru here very recently!"

He was so impressed with my knowledge on trains and was thinking this was going to be a good deal - a really smart companion. She can look at the tracks and tell by the shine on them that there has been a train!

So I smiled sweetly and batted my eyes and said "it left it's tracks!".

I guess I came very close to walking home that day!

Not quite as bad as 1st husband - just bought a brand new '65 Chevy Malibu - only a few miles on it. First date. He was smoker. Used matches cuz old car didn't have lighter. We are both so nervous we could hardly breathe. So trying to be very macho, pushes in lighter, cigarette in mouth - lights it, rolls down the window and throws the lighter out.....

I wasn't nervous after that - actually was in tears laughing!

Mookie

[CShaveRR]

I just had the occasion a couple of weeks ago to pull a variation on that old line. My daughter accompanied her boyf...fiance! on a trip out to Ames, Iowa, to visit his cousin. Our main line goes through Ames, so naturally I asked her whether she had seen any trains.

"I saw the tracks."

"Well," says I, "there must have been one, then!"

She just rolled her eyes, but he enjoyed that one a lot[(-D]...must have led a sheltered life out in San Diego!