Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . . . [:p]

Job interviews [8D]

http://www.top-greetings.com/A.py?R=20040330,19E2

[Anonymous]

Very nice!!! Ever tried calling someone @ UP's Customer Service Center?? Not alot of "people persons" there!!! Especially now that Omaha looms in their near future. Won't even mention UP Dispatchers--did I say that out loud??

[pmsteamman]

This is a TRUE story only the names have been changed to protect the stupid people.
My first grade crossing accident involved a woman in a lexus who drove around 5 cars to beat the train. We both made it there at the same time ( I won). Luckly I was in a 10mph speed restriction and hit the passengers side of the car so nobody was hurt.
The police show up and ask me what happended, I tell them and pointed to the women during the explation. She sees me point and RUNS over and starts yelling at me telling the officer how I pulled out in front of her causing the accident and I should be taken in for DWI or something. The cop looks at her and says "mam you have to be the dumbist person I have ever meet". I lost it, i had to go back on the loco and sit down because i did not want anyone to see my crying from laughter. He gave her the riot act for another 45 minutes before my road formen finally asked him if we could move the car and stop delaying the train. I called my father that night and he didnt believe me. As a wise man once said "Heres your sign".

[tree68]

This would be more amusing if it wasn't true:

OBITUARY
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense
who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired
for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Give condoms to boys at school as boys will be boys.

Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still know him pass this on,
if not join the majority and do nothing.

[locomutt]

"AMEN" Larry

[CShaveRR]

Nobody gave a correrct (or precise!) answer to my question on the preceding page (about the map), so you'll all have to suffer through...


THE YOOPER CREATION STORY


In da beginnin' dere was nuttin'.

Den on da first day God created da U.P.

On da second day He created da partridge, da deer, da bear, da fish, and da ducks.

On da third day He said, "Let dere be Yoopers to roam da U.P."

On da fourth day He created da udder world down below.

On da fifth day He said "Let there be trolls to live in da world down below."

On the sixth day He created "Da Bridge" so the trolls would have a way to get to Heaven.

God saw it was good.

On da seventh day He went huntin'!

[Anonymous]

Sunday Funnies . . . . . . . [:)]


The True Story Of Easter


http://www.dobhran.com/greetings/GReaster3.htm

[cherokee woman]

Amen, He is arisen TODAY!

[Nora]

QUOTE: Originally posted by pmsteamman

My first grade crossing accident involved...

What I want to know is who the hell is letting first graders run trains?!

[:-^]

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Nora

QUOTE: Originally posted by pmsteamman

My first grade crossing accident involved...

What I want to know is who the hell is letting first graders run trains?!

[:-^]

[:0][}:)][:D][:p]

AMEN to that, Nora[:D][:D]

Wonder if those first graders could teach some lessons to some on the forum[?][:0][:p]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

This would be more amusing if it wasn't true:

OBITUARY
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense
who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having cultivated such value lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm and that life isn't always fair.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not kids, are in charge).

His health began to rapidly deteriorate when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired
for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer aspirin to a student; but, could not inform the parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Give condoms to boys at school as boys will be boys.

Finally, Common sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment
than their victims.

Common Sense finally gave up the ghost after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilled a bit in her lap, and was awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by two stepbrothers; My Rights and Ima Whiner. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still know him pass this on,
if not join the majority and do nothing.

Larry, your an hour late and a dollar short.

check page 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31 for this joke.

someone beat you to the chop!

[Anonymous]

My Girlfriend came up to me yesturday, and wanted to know who this "general failure" was and why he was readiong our hard drive.

GET IT??

some women...[:-^][:-^][:-^]

[Anonymous]

Monday Madness . . . . . . . [:)]

(Sorry folks, I am running a little late this morning [:(] )


Some good lessons for life. [;)]

http://refer.flowgo.com/refer/redir_ng.cfm?p=111765&d=04-05-04&id=ibobyndgosonxrzySifvDoba

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68

This would be more amusing if it wasn't true:

OBITUARY
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend by the name of Common Sense
who has been with us for many years.

<<SNIP>>

Larry, your an hour late and a dollar short.

check page 2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12,13,14,15,16,17,18,19,20,21,22,23,24,25,26,27,28,29,30,31 for this joke.

someone beat you to the chop!

True enough, still, never hurts to honor the dead...

[Anonymous]

Two For Tuesday . . . . . . . [:)] [:)]


I have seen this one before, but I don't remember if I posted it before [}:)] [;)] . <No I am not going back and looking at every post to see if I have posted it before, so there. [;)] >


One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex was staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. It was covered with names, and small American flags were mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, "Good morning, Alex."

"Good morning, Pastor," replied the young man, still focused on the plaque.

"Pastor, what is this?"

"Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service."

Soberly, they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Little Alex's voice was barely audible, trembling with fear, when he asked, "Which service, the 8 or the 11?"




This one has been around before also. The names change but its still funny. And once again I can't remember if I posted it here or not. <ditto on previous thoughts [}:)] [;)] >


LETTER FROM A FARM KID WHO RECENTLY JOINED THE SERVICE


Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer
the Marine Corps beats working for old man Hall by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till
nearly 6a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.

Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your
cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash
to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.
Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs,
bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak,
fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and
Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on
coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get
fed again.

It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route
marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to
harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different.
A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home.
Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.
The country is nice but awful flat.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot.
The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride
around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep
getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye
is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't
shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to
do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load
your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training.
You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real
careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting
with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this
except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. I only beat
him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6"
and 130 pounds, and he's 6'2" and weighs near 250 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other
fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Jill

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Two For Tuesday . . . . . . . [:)] [:)]


I have seen this one before, but I don't remember if I posted it before [}:)] [;)] . <No I am not going back and looking at every post to see if I have posted it before, so there. [;)] >

That's telling him!!

[Kozzie]

Here's one for cat owners.....excerpts from two diaries....

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DAILY DIARY

8:00 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
9:30 a.m.Oh, boy! A car ride! My favorite!
9:40 a.m.Oh, boy! A walk! My favorite!
10:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Getting rubbed and petted! My favorite!
11:30 a.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
Noon - Oh, boy! The beach! My favorite!
1:30 p.m.Oh, boy! A bath! My favorite!
4:00 p.m.Oh, boy! To the back yard! My favorite!
5:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Dog food! My favorite!
6:00 p.m.Oh, boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
6:30 p.m.Oh, boy! Watching TV with my master! My favorite!
8:30 p.m Oh, boy! Sleeping in master's bed! My favorite!



EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DAILY DIARY:

Day 183 of My Captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre
little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am
forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the
hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional
piece of furniture.

Tomorrow I may eat another house plant. Today my attempt to kill my
captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost
succeeded; must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to
disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself
to vomit on their favorite chair, must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt
to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear
into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good
little cat I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in
solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the
noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my
confinement was due to my power of "allergies." Must learn what this
is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The
dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is
obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an
informant, he speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the high metal room, his
safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time ....

[UPTRAIN]

I LOVE THESE KEEP EM COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [:D][:-,][tup][yeah][wow][}:)][:O][:)][:P][;)][bow][bow][bow][^][:D][8D][8D][swg]

[Kozzie]

Warning to all men!


A moral all men should pay attention to ...

A woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said
to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes."

The woman freed the frog and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. That whatever you wish
for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!"

The woman said, "That would be okay," and for her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to." The woman replied, "That will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me."

So, KAZAM - she's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world and he
will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine."

So, KAZAM she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish,

and she answered,


...wait for it.......





"I'd like a mild heart attack."


[(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D]

Kozzie

[vsmith]

OUCH!

[Anonymous]

Hump Day Helpers . . . . . . . [:p] [:p]


Subject: idiot



Number One Idiot of 2003

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.





Number Two Idiots of 2003

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was honing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.



Number Three Idiot of 2003

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So
he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.



(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote.)!!!!!

I will post some more of these Friday, I have something else to post tomorrow. [;)]

[Anonymous]

Ahhahahahahaha

I used to eat ants when i was little, and look at me!

Ants are rich in Mercury (HG) you see,

Good for the...uhhh....ummm...[%-)][%-)]

[CShaveRR]

If you're loading yourself up with antie-bodies, you should be perfectly healthy!

[Anonymous]

LOL LOL LOL

My Antie fed them to me!

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Ahhahahahahaha

I used to eat ants when i was little, and look at me!

Ants are rich in Mercury (HG) you see,

Good for the...uhhh....ummm...[%-)][%-)]

How can we look at you, when we don't know what you look like?? (hint hint: post your picture, Kev.)

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Ahhahahahahaha

I used to eat ants when i was little, and look at me!

Ants are rich in Mercury (HG) you see,

Good for the...uhhh....ummm...[%-)][%-)]

How can we look at you, when we don't know what you look like?? (hint hint: post your picture, Kev.)

Paula [:)]

Do you really want to see Kevin in a polka-dotted string bikini? [:D] [;)] [:)]

[Anonymous]

Thursday's Humor Paper . . . . . . . [8D] [8D]


Alzheimer's Test

Count the "F's" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RESULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTIFIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS.

If you want to you can post your "count". Tomorrow I will post the answer and the "why" for it.

I will also post some more Idiot stories. [;)] [}:)] [:p]

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Ahhahahahahaha

I used to eat ants when i was little, and look at me!

Ants are rich in Mercury (HG) you see,

Good for the...uhhh....ummm...[%-)][%-)]

How can we look at you, when we don't know what you look like?? (hint hint: post your picture, Kev.)

Paula [:)]

Do you really want to see Kevin in a polka-dotted string bikini? [:D] [;)] [:)]

Jim, h---fire NO!! But it would be nice to know what his actual face looks like: never know
if we've seen him somewhere before.

After all, we've seen your picture and Mookie's on the forum, plus a couple of other rail
fans. It might be wise to know what we all look like, just in case any of us are profiled
on AMERICA'S MOST WANTED!!!!

[CShaveRR]

Jim, I count twelve.

Okay, now that I'm awake and my eyes have uncrossed, six.

Paula, I tried adding the photo with no success last year. Maybe we'll have better luck in a month or so.

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Thursday's Humor Paper . . . . . . . [8D] [8D]


Alzheimer's Test

Count the "F's" in the following text:

1(F)INISHED 2(F)ILES ARE THE RESULT O 3 (F) YEARS O4 (F) SCIENTI 5(F) IC
STUDY COMBINED WITH THE EXPERIENCE O 6(F) YEARS.

If you want to you can post your "count". Tomorrow I will post the answer and the "why" for it.

I will also post some more Idiot stories. [;)] [}:)] [:p]

Maybe I'll be in one of the idiot stories tomarrow, but I count only 4 F's![(-D]

....kinda like my elementary school report cards I rediscovered recently! [D)]

ACK! you right! 6 !!!!!! [%-)][D)][%-)][D)]

Wow, the caffine doesnt kick in till after lunch! [banghead]