Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Thursday Humor Paper . . . . . . . [:)]


Southernisms

1. Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

2. Only a true Southerner knows how much any fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess" (as in "a mess" of greens).

3. Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

4. Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly. (generally pronounced dreckly)

5. All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6. All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7. Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin')

8. Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far (pronounced "fur")piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

9. No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.


Hey I can relate to these.

They forgot the B B Q baked beans. And Southern Fried Catfish is "to die for".

And one last "item", any of you Yankees ever deep fried a biscuit or roll? [:D] [:D] [:D]

Man does fried chicken and banana puddin' sound GOOOOD: along with shelly beans
corn, and buttermilk cornbread!

[vsmith]

Dont forget the Banana's Foster for desert, Thank'yall

[Mikeygaw]

Murphy's Laws of Driving

1. You will be stuck on a one lane street behind a person who can barely see over the dash board who is goings 1/3 of the speed limit and in front someone who wants to go 3 times the speed limit.

2. The person in the left lane wants to make a right turn.

3. The person in the right lane wants to make a left turn.

4. The only person who uses a turn signal is the person who goes straight.

5. The roving construction crew sleeps until you are coming through

6. Every construction crew consists of a ratio of atleast 3:1 supervisors to workers

7. No one obeys speed limits... unless there's a cop around.

8. No one ever hears the sirens.

9. When you are in a hurry, you will get every red light. When you are not in a hurry, you will get every green light.

10. The worst drivers are always seem to be around you.

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

Dont forget the Banana's Foster for desert, Thank'yall

Boiled custard.

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mikeygaw


10. The worst drivers are always seem to be around you.

Shahhhh....like I live in California.....a car is nothing but a conveyance to move cell phones from one location to another sometimes with a person attached.

[Anonymous]

Finally Friday . . . . . . . [:p] [:p]

This one is good for Friday. You might want to "think" on this one for a while.

"Mother said read it or else." [;)] [:D]

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Finally Friday . . . . . . . [:p] [:p]

This one is good for Friday. You might want to "think" on this one for a while.

"Mother said read it or else." [;)] [:D]

Uhhh.....I think we're missing something here......

[locomutt]

zardoz,
just think about it for awhile;longer[:D]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Finally Friday . . . . . . . [:p] [:p]

This one is good for Friday. You might want to "think" on this one for a while.

"Mother said read it or else." [;)] [:D]

Uhhh.....I think we're missing something here......

Well I guess that is what I get for posting when I can't see or think straight. lol [B)]

Too tired for my own good early this morning. No wonder I overslept today.

http://www.funnypop.com/jokes/wisdom.html

OK, there we go. (I am somewhat awake now, and have had at least one cup of coffee.) [;)]

[zardoz]

jhhtrainsplanes--
thanks for reposting. Locomutt had me feeling extra-dumb today. I kept coming back to your original, thinking, "What the heck am I missing?" [%-)]

[locomutt]

zarzoz,
sorry if I made you feel that way. If that's the case,put me in the
same category. Think about that one for awhile.[:D]

I guess I just thought I knew what Jim posted.

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . . . [:p] [:p]

Well this is silly. [8D]

http://www.funnypop.com/pictures/showphoto.php?photo=37

[JoeKoh]

Jim
I'll give the dog a bone.
stay safe thanks
joe

[cherokee woman]

Now THAT'S what you call a BOXER

And Joe, please give the dog some food along with the bone.

[JoeKoh]

after I let it out "who let the dogs out?" matt says "woof woof woof"
stay safe
Joe

[Anonymous]

Sunday Funnies. . . . . . . [:D] [:p] [:)]

Anyone want to go for a hike, stopping at the McDonalds first of course? Don't forget the flashlight for finding the reflectors after dark, and for seeing all the spiders. And we don't want any trails that go up the mountain. [;)] [}:)] [:p]

http://www.lukol.com/A.py?R=20040408,19TK


(Zardoz, I remembered the link this time. [:p] [;)] [:D] )

[cherokee woman]

Good one Jim! Keep 'em comin'.

[tree68]

On the front of a T-shirt sent to me by my sister, a Colorado resident:

Pet the Elk
Feed the bears
Climb on the rocks
Pass on double yellow lines
Look at the scenery
instead of the road

We thank you for your support

Estes Park EMT

[Anonymous]

Hey!!!

Thats the Dog that stole my underware!

No. seriously...

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Hey!!!

Thats the Dog that stole my underware!

No. seriously...

. . . and his girlfriend got your yellow polka-dotted bikini [}:)] [:p] [;)]

[cherokee woman]

Darn it Jim, here I was hoping to see a picture of Kevin in the polka dotted bikini!!

[edblysard]

Pleeeease, I just ate dinner....

Ed

[Mikeygaw]

go dinner!

hey... i just realized i past 200 posts... which at the rate i post, that was like two weeks ago problalby... see how much i pay attention

[Anonymous]

Monday Madness . . . . . . . [:p] [:p] [:p]


This is a good story. Take it however you want to see it. You can go the distance or get off at any place in between. [:)]



I Made A 41
============

Perhaps the only test score that I remember is the 41.
I was in high school. The class was taught by one of the two
teachers that impacted me most, Mr. Bales. The other teacher
was Mrs. Drew from the seventh grade. It's amazing how I can
remember from over 30 years ago my two most impacting teachers.

The eighth grade. It was a time when I, like most, didn't know
what I was to be in life. The drama of that time of youth was
simply get through school and make the long walk home.

There are some things that will still be like the eighth grade
when you get to be eighty.

The test was the final for the class. I remember anxiously
waiting as Mr. Bales passed out test after test. It was a
rather difficult test. I didn't know how well I had done but I
knew there were things on it that I didn't know.

The air whooshed around the pages as it made a gentle sound
plopping down. It was a rhythm as each student received their
test - plop, plop, plop.

I heard groan after groan that accompanied the plops.
I could tell by the groans that the grades weren't looking good.

Mr. Bales dropped the stapled pages on my desk.

There in big red numbers, circled to draw attention,
was my grade.

41

Groan!!!

I moved my paper where it wasn't in plain view, a 41 is not
something that you wanted your classmates to see.

After the final plop, Mr. Bales stood behind the worn desk that
had stood guard over countless students before me. He addressed
the none too jubilant class.

"The grades were not very good, none of you passed, so I will
have to consider grading on a scale," Mr. Bales announced.

"The highest grade in the class was a 41, so all of you
flunked," were the final words that I remember.

A 41. That's me.

Suddenly my dismal looking final didn't look quite so bad.
There were at least 30 students in the class. I had the highest
grade. I felt a whole lot better.

I walked home that day with the low but high grade safely tucked
away in my book satchel. My mother knew that I had a big test
that day and asked me as soon as I got home, "how did you do on
your test."

"I made a 41," I said.

My mother's expression changed. A frown now stood where a smile
was a few seconds earlier. I knew that I had to explain and
explain fast. "But mother, I had the highest grade in the
class," I proudly stated.

I knew that statement would change things. I had the highest
grade in the class, that made a difference.

My mother said, "You flunked."

"But I had the highest grade in the class!" I replied.

"I don't care what everyone else had, you flunked. It doesn't
matter if everyone else flunked too, what matters is what you
do," my mother firmly answered.

For years, I thought that was a harsh judgment. My mother was
always that way. It didn't matter what the other kids did, it
only mattered what I did and that I did it excellently.

We often don't understand the wisdom of good parents until we
ourselves stand in the parenting shoes. My mother's philosophy
has carried me throughout life. Don't worry about what the
crowd does.

The crowd often goes the wrong way.

If you follow the crowd, you will go to the same destination as
the crowd. The path of the crowd is wide and it is crowded.
The path to pass the tests of life is narrow and there are very
few people on it.

The path up the mountain is narrow; it is not crowded.

The path to health is narrow; it is not crowded.

The path to harmony, peace and happiness with your spouse is
narrow; it is not crowded.

The path to peace with yourself and the world is narrow; it is
not crowded.

I made a 41 and was proud of it, but it would not have gotten me
through the real tests.

The majority of spouses are not faithful, it's the crowd, and
even though you may be the smoothest deceiver of the group, you
are on the road to failure; it's not a passing grade.

The crowd eats fattening unhealthy fast food. That food sends
you to an early appointment with the doctor and the funeral
director. It's the food of the crowd.

The crowd spends no special time in prayer and meditation each
day. That leads to an unhealthy spirit. It's the way of the
crowd.

Thirty years after my mother said that she didn't care if I was
the best failure in the class, I understand why.

"Wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to
destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate
and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it."

That's a quote that my mother lives by.

We often take comfort in the crowd; the only problem is that the
crowd is not comfortable.

PASS the class!


A MountainWings Original~


Well I hope you didn't get off at one of the "stops" in between. I plan on passing the test, and I KNOW the teacher. [;)] [:)]

[Anonymous]

Two For Tuesday . . . . . . . [:)] [:)]


Tonight I am tired so just read the following joke twice and laugh twice. [:D] [;)] [}:)]



Have you heard about the brown nosed duck?

He could fly just as fast as the other ducks but
couldn't stop as fast.


(Zardoz, you might have to explain this one to "you know who" lol. [;)] [}:)] [:D] )

[zardoz]

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted. A sandwich walks intoa bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"It's Not Unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.

An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

[zardoz]

2004 Version of You Might Be a Redneck if...


Your standard of living improves when you go camping.

Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.

You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.

You have a relative living in your garage.

Your neighbor has ever asked to borrow a quart of beer.

There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.

You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.

None of the tires on your van are the same size.

You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.

Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.

Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.

Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.

Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.

You've slow danced in the Waffle House.

Starting your car involves popping the hood.

Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.

You whistle at women in church.

You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.

You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.

You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the backseat.

[zardoz]

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions." How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life… you become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony… YOU BECOME 21… YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50… and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"



May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

[zardoz]

Outside a small Macedonian village, close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of a site of significant historic developments. The convent once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.

The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple.

When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.

And that's how it ends:

No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.

[zardoz]

Redneck medical sayings....

Artery............................The study of paintings
Benign.........................What you be after you be eight
Bacteria.......................Back door to cafeteria
Barium.........................What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section.....A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan......................Searching for Kitty
Cauterize....................Made eye contact with her
Colic............................A sheep dog
Coma..........................A punctuation mark
D&C............................Where Washington is
Dilate..........................To live long
Enema.......................Not a friend
Fester.........................Quicker than someone else
Fibula.........................A small lie
G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball
Hangnail...................What you hang your coat on
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain................Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff.............A Doctor's cane
Morbid........................A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates.....................Cheaper than day rates
Node..........................I knew it
Outpatient.................A person who has fainted
Pap Smear...............A fatherhood test
Pelvis........................Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative.........A letter carrier
Recovery Room.......Place to do upholstery
Rectum......................Darn near killed him
Secretion...................Hiding something
Seizure......................Roman emperor
Tablet.........................A small table
Terminal Illness.......Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................More than one
Urine..........................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by