Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

A linguistics professor was expounding upon the differences in positives and negatives in different languages. According to this professor:

1.) In the English language, a double negative makes something a positive.

2.) In Russian and some related languages, double negative remains a negative.

3.) And the professor asserted there is no language, however, in which a double positive makes a negative.

When he made this last statement someone in the back of the room piped up "Yeah, right."

[zardoz]

Baby Boomer Hit Songs Rewritten & Retitled to Reflect Current Feelings


Paul Simon — "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"
Carly Simon — "You're So Varicose Vein"
The Bee Gees — "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"
Roberta Flack — "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"
Johnny Nash — "I Can't See Clearly Now"
The Temptations — "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"
Nancy Sinatra — "These Boots Give Me Arthritis"
ABBA — "Denture Queen"
Leo Sayer — "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"
Commodores — "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"
Procol Harem — "A Whiter Shade of Hair"
The Beatles — "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"
Steely Dan — "Rikki Don't Lose Your Car Keys"
Herman's Hermits — "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"
The Rolling Stones — "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"
Credence Clearwater Revival — "Bad Prune Rising"
Marvin Gaye — "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"
The Who — "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication"
The Troggs — "Bald Thing"

[zardoz]

Really Bad Country Song Titles
-->

"I Gave Her My Heart and a Diamond, and She Clubbed Me With a Spade"

"How Did You Get so Ugly Overnight?"

"Mama Get the Hammer, There's a Fly on Papa's Head"

"I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night With You"

"I Would've Wrote You a Letter, But I Couldn't Spell "Yuck!"

"My Phone Ain't Been Ringin' So I Guess It Wasn't You"

"They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out"

For the complete list, see http://www.downstream.sk.ca/country.htm

[zardoz]

Subject: Booze


Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.


Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ***.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.


Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her. If she's interested, she'll send YOU a drink.


Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.


Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...this should be an easy target.


Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
totally drunk... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!


Drink: Tequila
No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.




THEN, there is the MALE addendum ----
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:


Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.


Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.


Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.


Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.


Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.


White Zinfandel: He's gay

[locomutt]

ZARDOZ
QUIT PLEASE?!
My wife is "BEATING THE HECK"out of me!
For some reason I resamble that remark!

[locomutt]

OH!
Did you hear about the mehcanic who worked on carburetor

He went on a low carb diet!

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Outside a small Macedonian village, close to the border between Greece and strife-torn Yugoslavia, a lone Catholic nun keeps a quiet watch over a silent convent. She is the last caretaker of a site of significant historic developments. The convent once served as a base for the army of Attila the Hun. In more ancient times, a Greek temple to Eros, the god of love, occupied the hilltop site.

The Huns are believed to have first collected and then destroyed a large gathering of Greek legal writs at the site. It is believed that Attila wanted to study the Greek legal system and had the writs and other documents brought to the temple.

When the Greek church took over the site in the 15th Century and the convent was built, church leaders ordered the pagan statue of Eros destroyed, so another ancient Greek treasure was lost. Today, there is only the lone sister, watching over the old Hun base.

And that's how it ends:

No Huns, no writs, no Eros, and nun left on base.

BOOOOOOOOO !!!!!!!

[xx(][%-)][D)][:-,][X-)]

[JoeKoh]

Eggs and tomatoes available please send check or money order to..........
stayin safe(duck matt)
Joe

[espeefoamer]

An electrician comes home late from work,actually early AM,and a bit tipsy.His wife asks,"wire you insulate"?Through bloodshot eyes he replies,"quishurbichen,I'm ohm ain't I"?

[louisnash]

I have never posted on this thread in all the time it has been here. I have read through quite a few and I can say they are good.

Brian (KY)



In the hospital

Anyone who has ever had a loved one in the hospital will enjoy this:

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to
the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out
if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and
room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing
very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is
fine, to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if
she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home
Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's
wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close
family member or a very close friend!"

"Neither! I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me crap."

[louisnash]

I found one more.

Brian (KY)


Subject: Lemons


An elderly retired Marine Fighter Pilot moved into a retirement
community where good looking eligible men were at a premium.
After he had been there for a week, he went to confession and said,
"Bless me Father for I have sinned. Last week I was with seven
different women."
The priest replied, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and
drink the juice without pausing."
"Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?"
"No," said the priest, "but it will wipe that ****-eatin' grin off your face."

[locomutt]

Brian
Go home and wipe that smile off your face![:D][swg][}:)]

[Anonymous]

Hump Day Helpers . . . . . . . [8D] [8D] [8D]

You all know I am a sucker for a tear jerking story. Grab a tissue, here we go. [;)]

http://www.dobhran.com/greetings/GRinspire437.htm

[locomutt]

Jim,
You've out done your self!

[louisnash]

Locomutt

How does that catfi***aste? I can get you some Frisch's tartar sauce and I can do the lemon juice.

Git-R-Done
Brian (KY)[:D]

[louisnash]

This may have been posted before, but here it goes for all us southern rednecks!!

Brian(KY)

REDNECK CHURCH
You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for
the purchase of a chandelier because none of the
members knows how to play one.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000,
whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what
bait was used to catch 'em.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help
take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole
it couldn't get out of."

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven
last names in the church directory.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
Baptism is referred to as "branding".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized washtub.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with
the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if..
the collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.

You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if...
the final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now! Ya' hear?

[cherokee woman]

[:D] [}:)] BRIAN, WIPE THAT SMILE OFF YOUR FACE!!

[Anonymous]

Thursday's Humor Paper . . . . . . . [:p] [:p] [:p]

(Stop talking about FOOD. [}:)] Yall are making me hungry. [:p] I have been having a powerful hankerin for fried catfi***oo, and of course, home made french fries, cole slaw, and some fried green maters. [;)] )


Today's joke reminded me of the forums. [8D]


My husband and I often spell words so that our small children won't understand what we're saying. I didn't realize what a habit this had become until one day when my husband and I were in the grocery store at the soup aisle.

An aggressive young woman banged into our cart, then nudged me over, blocking my access to the soup. Annoyed, I looked at my husband and said, "Boy, is she r-u-d-e!"

"Yeah," he replied, "but I'll bet she can s-p-e-l-l."

[Anonymous]

Finally Friday . . . . . . . [8D] [8D] [8D]

Hey, now this is funny. Perfect for those who sleep late. Let them have it. [}:)] [;)] [:D]


http://www.funnypop.com/pictures/showphoto.php?photo=307

[cherokee woman]

Jim, man oh man, is that bear in for a rude awakening, and the penguin is in for a
BIG surprise.

[louisnash]

Subject: Witch Doctor

After a few years of married life, a man finds himself unable to
perform. He goes to his doctor who tries several things but nothing
seems to work. As a last resort, the doctor then refers him to a witch
doctor.

The witch doctor says, "I can cure this." He furnishes the man with some
white powder and some instructions on its use, and all he has to do is
say is '123' and his manhood would rise for as long as he wishes.

The 'patient' then asks the witch doctor, "What happens when it's over
and I don't want to continue?"

The witch doctor says, "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and
it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for another
year!"

The man goes home all excited and that night he is ready to surprise his
wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most expensive shaving lotion.
After he gets into bed and he is lying next to his wife he says, "123"
and lo and behold, it rises just as the witch doctor had promised.

His wife was facing the other way and turns over towards him and says,
"What did you say '123' for?"

Brian (KY)

[JoeKoh]

Brian
good one :0)
stay safe
Joe

[locomutt]

Brian, that is REALLY good. Keep up the good work!!

Are you ready? 123!!!!!!!!! [}:)]

[Anonymous]

FOUR [}:)] [}:)] [}:)] [:D] [:D]

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . . . [8D] [:p] [:)]


How To Annoy The IRS (use only if you OWE money [}:)] [}:)] [}:)] )


How to annoy the IRS
1. Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

2. Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put them down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples on the right side.

3. If you send two checks, they'll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

4. If you're very unfortunate and have to pay taxes, send two or three party check. On top of paying with a third party check, pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.

5. Line the bottom of your envelope with Elmer's glue and let it dry before you put in you forms, so that the automated opener doesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

6. Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples, rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).

7. Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to be verified and then date stamped. These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do with the IRS. These methods are ONLY recommended when you OWE money.

8. When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZ form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

9. Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to be read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.

10. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on the back of a supermarket sack.

11. If they owe you money, being nice helps.



From Joke-Of-The-Day.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Finally Friday . . . . . . . [8D] [8D] [8D]

Hey, now this is funny. Perfect for those who sleep late. Let them have it. [}:)] [;)] [:D]


http://www.funnypop.com/pictures/showphoto.php?photo=307

Gotta love the way the "wife" penguin is waiting in the background with her handbag.....
now THAT is attention to detail.

[Anonymous]

Sunday Funnies . . . . . . . [:D] [:o)] [:D]


It's a Dog's Life . . . [:o)] [:o)] [;)]


http://www.debsfunpages.com/funpages/view.cfm/2578

[Mikeygaw]

http://www.superlaugh.com/1/drphil.htm

personalitiy test created by Dr. Phil... I got a 37...does describe me to a point

[Anonymous]

I got 44.. Describes me Perfectly!!

[Anonymous]

I got a 44 as well, but the description didn't sound much like me....