Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Mookie]

Is this like the engineer can tell the speed of his loco by counting the telephone poles, pi r square the total and divide by 2?

And if any of you take me seriously - think about it!

[Anonymous]

You guys have added an entirely new definition of permissive signaling to my vast warehouse of railroad arcana. P on signals indeed...

Just remember.... void where prohibited and you face arrest in Alabama for urinating in public.

Which reminds me, now that EMD and GE (who brings good things to life- attention, Dr. Frankenstein, your locomotive works are calling) are environmentally friendly...when a locomotive gets serviced, do the crew comfort retaining tanks get pissed off? If it gets done wrong, does the poor hostler get pissed on? If the railroad puts off servicing, does this mean the locomotive is in deep s**t?

I think we have a UTU negotiating point here....

[CShaveRR]

Forty-two is correct (as a matter of fact, my daughter's alias on one web site is Forty-two for that very reason).

[Anonymous]

Mookie [:o)]

You Yankees may have square pies, but down South our pies are round. [:D] [}:)] [;)]

[Mookie]

Youse Guys been hangin' around Dharmon again? Youse is all startin' to soun' like hem!

[Anonymous]

Thursday's Edition of the Humor Paper . . . [:)]


Bar Phrases



"You get this one, next round is on me."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

"I'll get this one, next round is on you."
(Happy hour is about to end...beers are now a dollar, but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop, sucker.)

"Hey, where is that friend of yours?"
(I have no interest in talking to you, but I want to get your attractive friend in a compromising position.)

"What do you have on tap?"
(What's cheap?)

"I'll have a glass of house white." (Female)
(I'm easy.)

"I'll have a glass of house white." (Male)
(I'm gay.)

"I'll have an amaretto & OJ." (Female)
(I'm really easy.)

"I'll have an amaretto & OJ." (Male)
(I'm really gay.)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (Female)
(You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.)

"I don't feel well, let's go home." (Male)
(I'm horny.)

"Excuse me." (Male To Male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

"Excuse me." (Male To Female)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)

"Excuse me." (Female To Male)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out of my way.)

"Excuse me." (Female To Female)
(Move your fat a**. Who do you think you are anyway? You're certainly not all that, missy, coming in here dressed like a hooker...And get your eyes off my man, or I'll slap you like the "beach" that you are!)

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Youse Guys been hangin' around Dharmon again? Youse is all startin' to soun' like hem!

I, for one and I am sure there are others, would be HONORED to "hang" with Dan. It would be a time and talk of trains, history, military, the South, California Crazies, and what I did on my "Tempory Duty Assignment". [:D] [;)] [8D]

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Youse Guys been hangin' around Dharmon again? Youse is all startin' to soun' like hem!

I, for one and I am sure there are others, would be HONORED to "hang" with Dan. It would be a time and talk of trains, history, military, the South, California Crazies, and what I did on my "Tempory Duty Assignment". [:D] [;)] [8D]

Thanks Jim...I'm kinda blushing now[:I] Most of those however probably couldn't be discussed in this family forum or anywhere where my wife my accidently get wind of.......or my next post could be "eligible batchelor looking for cute girl who likes trains and broke men. "[}:)]

However speaking of the Peoples Republic....we are having the annual winter rain fest....which apparently catches the entire region off guard becasue it happens the same time every year. Southern CalIfornIansare not particularlt adept drivers to begin with..add some water and let the fun begin.......lessons from today water driving:

1. Poor weather handling of your vehicle does not improve with price.
2. " " " " " " with how good you think you look.
3. Keep whoever you are talking on the cell phone to on the line..they can call CHP for you after you hit the guardrail.
4. Pricey 4wds don't perform any better on wet concrete than Geo Metros
5. The puddle of water you just hit and made your car pull to one side...guess what the next will do the same....don't let consistancy continually surprise you.
6. Big SUVs and 4wd Pickups due to greater weight, hold the road well in wet conditions ..until a change in direction or braking is required...SLOW DOWN ......See Newton's Laws for more.....

Did I mention that with any luck I get be released from confinment here in 2.5 years? [8D]

[Mookie]

Old Hollywood Squares TV Show - remember it?

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: (Paul Lyne) If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A: (Charlie Weaver) Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or False? A pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: (George Gobel) Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: (Don Knotts) That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmopolitan Magazine, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it ok to come out and ask him if he is married?
A: (Rose Marie) No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: (Charley Weaver) My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than 3 words to say "I Love You"?
A: (Vincent Price) No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty dollar bill.

Q: What are: "Do It", "I Can Help", and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A: (George Gobel) I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: Paul, Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: (Paul Lynde) Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A: (Charley Weaver) Of course not! I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: (Rose Marie) Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at a nudist camp. One is politics, what is the other?
A: (Paul Lynde) Tape measures.

Q: Can a boy join the Campfire Girls?
A: (Marty Allen) Only after the lights are out.

Q: When you pat a dog on his head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: (Paul Lynde) Make him bark?

Q: Back in the old days, when Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: (George Gobel) Get it in his mouth.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body. What is it?
A: (Paul Lynde) Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: (Charley Weaver) I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least 2 occasions. What are they?
A: (Charley Weaver) His feet.

Q: According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A: (Paul Lynde) Point and Laugh

[dharmon]

Bravo Madame la Mouque'

[Mookie]

You know - it is really funny if you knew the people involved!

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Youse Guys been hangin' around Dharmon again? Youse is all startin' to soun' like hem!

I, for one and I am sure there are others, would be HONORED to "hang" with Dan. It would be a time and talk of trains, history, military, the South, California Crazies, and what I did on my "Tempory Duty Assignment". [:D] [;)] [8D]

Thanks Jim...I'm kinda blushing now[:I] Most of those however probably couldn't be discussed in this family forum or anywhere where my wife my accidently get wind of.......or my next post could be "eligible batchelor looking for cute girl who likes trains and broke men. "[}:)]

However speaking of the Peoples Republic....we are having the annual winter rain fest....which apparently catches the entire region off guard becasue it happens the same time every year. Southern CalIfornIansare not particularlt adept drivers to begin with..add some water and let the fun begin.......lessons from today water driving:

1. Poor weather handling of your vehicle does not improve with price.
2. " " " " " " with how good you think you look.
3. Keep whoever you are talking on the cell phone to on the line..they can call CHP for you after you hit the guardrail.
4. Pricey 4wds don't perform any better on wet concrete than Geo Metros
5. The puddle of water you just hit and made your car pull to one side...guess what the next will do the same....don't let consistancy continually surprise you.
6. Big SUVs and 4wd Pickups due to greater weight, hold the road well in wet conditions ..until a change in direction or braking is required...SLOW DOWN ......See Newton's Laws for more.....

Did I mention that with any luck I get be released from confinment here in 2.5 years? [8D]

How'd ya like that rainstorm TV coverage we just had..I particularly like the TV reporters standing in a downpour, soaked to the bone saying "Well, its really raining hard here..." Then an hour later they go back to same soaked reporter in the same location, there even wetter, and telling us again, "Well, its really raining hard here..." Then at 11pm they go back to the SAME reporter who by now looks like a drowned rat, saying "Well, its really raining hard here..."

For those of you outside Kalifoonia (our official new name) this is a common occurance everytime we are faced with that perplexing dilema of trying to figure out why there are all these tiny water droplets falling out of the sky?

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

You know - it is really funny if you knew the people involved!

Well I don't know any of them personally

But I do remember watching the show with them as guests on it.

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

You know - it is really funny if you knew the people involved!

Added that list to my Permanent Collection..[:D]

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

You know - it is really funny if you knew the people involved!

Added that list to my Permanent Collection..[:D]

That would be the in the Would You Believe A Little Humor (sponsored by Enron) Permanent Collection in the Vic Smith Library of Archetecture, Humor and other Harmless Pursuits at the UCSLA (University of California Smoggy Los Angeles).

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Old Hollywood Squares TV Show - remember it?

Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: (Paul Lyne) If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A: (Charlie Weaver) Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q: True or False? A pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: (George Gobel) Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A: (Don Knotts) That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q: According to Cosmopolitan Magazine, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it ok to come out and ask him if he is married?
A: (Rose Marie) No, wait until morning.

Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: (Charley Weaver) My sense of decency.

Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than 3 words to say "I Love You"?
A: (Vincent Price) No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty dollar bill.

Q: What are: "Do It", "I Can Help", and "I Can't Get Enough"?
A: (George Gobel) I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q: Paul, Why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: (Paul Lynde) Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q: Charley, you've decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A: (Charley Weaver) Of course not! I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: (Rose Marie) Ralph, the pin boy.

Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at a nudist camp. One is politics, what is the other?
A: (Paul Lynde) Tape measures.

Q: Can a boy join the Campfire Girls?
A: (Marty Allen) Only after the lights are out.

Q: When you pat a dog on his head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A: (Paul Lynde) Make him bark?

Q: Back in the old days, when Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A: (George Gobel) Get it in his mouth.

Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body. What is it?
A: (Paul Lynde) Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected!

Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A: (Charley Weaver) I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least 2 occasions. What are they?
A: (Charley Weaver) His feet.

Q: According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A: (Paul Lynde) Point and Laugh

Mook, you made my day with this post! I always loved Hollywood Squares, and ocassionally, Walt & I watch the new version: This week is TV Cops Week. A few of the guests this week are Martin Milner, Kent McCord, Robert Culp, Dennis Weaver, and Erik Estrada. Sure has been good to watch![8D]

[Mookie]

do you know that those SUV rules also apply to snow? I have seen it with my own two little hazels.

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

do you know that those SUV rules also apply to snow? I have seen it with my own two little hazels.

Yep....we're a three truck/SUV family...haven't had a car since 99....Maine winters give you a healthy respect for Mom Nature......As Dirt Harry said... "A man's got to know his limitations"


Now more importantly.....how does that song from Hee Haw go???.....

....."I searched the world over and thought I'd found true love, she broke my heart?, and plupppppth she was gone."

[cherokee woman]

"Where, o where are you tonight?
Why did you leave me here all alone?
I searched the world over,
and thought I'd found true love,
She met another, and
pluppppth she was gone."

[dharmon]

That's the one....thank you

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Is this like the engineer can tell the speed of his loco by counting the telephone poles, pi r square the total and divide by 2?

And if any of you take me seriously - think about it!

I do not know about the "pie our square" part, but before the days of a speedometer required in each lead locomotive, that is how we used to calculate our speed....that and mileposts.

[edblysard]

Uh Huh,
But who was picking,
and who was grinning?

Ed

[dharmon]

Wasn't it Buck Owens and Roy, Roy.......ahhhh I can't remember?

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Actually, the answer is 42.


vsmith will confirm this.

"I checked The Answer carefully and it is most defintely 42 !,
.....I think the problem was that you never actually knew what the Question was...?"

Super Computer Deep Thought, THHGTTG

[vsmith]

Roy..?

...Rodgers?

...Campinella?

It was Roy Clark...BTW I found out on the internet, not by having seen the show...

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

That's the one....thank you

[:D]Anytime; glad to be of help.

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

Roy..?

...Rodgers?

...Campinella?

It was Roy Clark...BTW I found out on the internet, not by having seen the show...

To quote Jay and Silent Bob.."The Internet...what the%^&$ is the Internet???"

[Anonymous]

Dan, how can you Quote silent Bob if he's silent?

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Dan, how can you Quote silent Bob if he's silent?

excellent point Mon ami....(it's french but I have no idea what it means..I could be ording a cheeseburger......or proposing to Kevin for all I know....)

To quote Jay, from the movie Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, ....."The Internet...what the%^&$ is the Internet???"

I stand corrected.

[Anonymous]

Would you like Fries with that cheeseburger?