Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[cherokee woman]

First: Jim, loved your cats/dogs story for today;

Second, Dan, also loved your story on the Scotsman.

Third, Mookie: you're right about that being scary!!!!

[Rick Gates]

I know a recovering alcoholic that was complaining of the weight he had gained since he stopped drinking. I pointed out that he probably wasn't getting as much exercise as he used to. He exclaimed that "I never exercised when I was drinking." So, I countered "The exercise program that you were on had a number of routines: Hitting the bottle - Bending the rules - Stretching the truth - Running into trouble - Jumping to conclusions - Stepping on toes - Dodging responsibilty - Pushing your luck - Carrying a grudge - Throwing fits - Picking up the pieces."

[Anonymous]

Finally Friday . . . . . Thank God it is ! ! ! [;)]


Has this ever happened to you (or at least jumped to a conclusion), I hope not. [}:)] [;)]


Life Lessons


The woman arrived
At an airport one night
With several long hours
Before her flight.
She hunted for a book
In the airport shop,
Bought a bag of cookies
And found a place to drop.

She was engrossed in her book
But happened to see,
That the man sitting beside her,
As bold as could be,
Grabbed a cookie or two
From the bag in between,
Which she tried to ignore
To avoid a scene.

So she munched the cookies
And watched the clock,
As the gutsy cookie thief
Diminished her stock.

She was getting more irritated
As the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, "If I wasn't so nice,
I would blacken his eye."

With each cookie she took,
He took one too,
When only one was left,
She wondered what he would do.
With a smile on his face,
And a nervous laugh,
He took the last cookie
And broke it in half.

He offered her half,
As he ate the other,
She snatched it from him
And thought... ooh, brother!

This guy has some nerve
And he's also rude,
Why he didn't even show
Any gratitude!

She had never known
When she had been so galled,
And sighed with relief
When her flight was called.

She gathered her belongings
And headed to the gate,
Refusing to look back
At the thieving ingrate.

She boarded the plane,
And sank in her seat,
Then she sought her book,
Which was almost complete.

As she reached in her baggage,
She gasped with surprise,
There was her bag of cookies,
In front of her eyes.

If mine are here,
She moaned in despair,
The others were his,
And he tried to share.
Too late to apologize,
She realized with grief,
That she was the rude one,
The ingrate, the thief!

How many times have we absolutely known that something
was a certain way, only to discover later that what we
believed to be true...was not?

[cherokee woman]

Unfortunately, quite a few times. And I'm not just talking about MY life. There are people all over the world that have this attitude.

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . [:p]


From funbob.com


The Top 10 Songs for Folks Over Fifty


10. Let's Get A Physical

9. Ain't No Burrito Mild Enough

8. Johnny B. Olde

7. How Do You Mend a Broken Everything

6. The Lack O' Motion

5. Hair Potion Number Nine

4. Doctor My Eyes (And Ears and Joints and Back and...)

3. To All the Girls I've Disappointed Before

2. A Hard Day's Nap

1. Knock Knock Knockin' On The Bathroom Door

[Puckdropper]

There has been a lot of controversy in the Science world whether there was water on mars. Now, there's conclusive proof:
http://home.online.no/~feldt/wateronmars.jpg

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Puckdropper

There has been a lot of controversy in the Science world whether there was water on mars. Now, there's conclusive proof:
http://home.online.no/~feldt/wateronmars.jpg

I knew it all along and i can see that woithout a telescope!

[Anonymous]

Sunday Funnies . . . . . . . [:)]


I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

[JoeKoh]

new product on the market
the Rick whirrly gig
add 2 children and spin him around
Matt and Jay give it 2 high fives
stay safe
Joe

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Sunday Funnies . . . . . . . [:)]


I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.


[:D][:p]Love the poem Jim; but I think your PC's spell checker needs a backup spellchecker[:0][}:)]

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.

I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.

Love the poem Jim, it's cute.[:p] But I think your spell checker needs a spell checker[:0][}:)]

[cherokee woman]

Yeah, I know: I need another pair of eyes so I can see where I'm trying to type, so I type in the correct place!!

[Anonymous]

Jim is secretly making fun of my spelling...

no..no.. thats fine jim, i'll remember that...


[:D]

[Anonymous]

What Did the Chimney say to the ALco?





Stop Kid! Your going to make me unemployed!

[Nora]

QUOTE: Originally posted by JoeKoh

new product on the market
the Rick whirrly gig
add 2 children and spin him around
Matt and Jay give it 2 high fives

Only problems with this new product are:

There's only one of them, and it is prone to getting wobbly and falling down after about ten minutes. [:D]

Back to R&D...

--Nora

[rrnut282]

SOME CORPORATE LESSONS
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which
one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps
herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel
that you have on. "After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her
towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her
$800 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up
in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"
"It was Bob the next door neighbor," she replies.
"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Corporate Lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road; he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealth fully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Farther on while changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest Apologized, "Sorry, Sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, farther up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss a great opportunity!

Corporate Lesson 3
Usually the staff of the company play football. The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis. The top management usually has preference for Golf.
Moral: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls reduce in size.

Corporate Lesson 4
A sales rep, an administration clerk and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of story: Always let your boss have the first say.

Corporate Lesson 5
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?
"The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Corporate Lesson 6
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull, "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.Finally, after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson: Bull S--t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Corporate Lesson 7
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Lesson:
1. Not everyone who s--t on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of s--t is your friend.
3. And when you're in deep s--t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[Anonymous]

For some reason I just can't find a Bible where the verse reads as the priest read it. My reading of Psalm 129 says nothing of the sort. I guess when the monks were making hand copies a page blew in out of no where and really messed the poor monk up. I sure hope the priest doesn't read his copy during mass. He might get a few odd looks. [;)]

[Anonymous]

Monday Madness . . . . . [:)]


And Where Were You Last Night?

A good-OLE-boy staggered home late on New Years Eve
after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes
in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as
quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the
darkened entryway.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his
body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A
whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful.

Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprang up, pulled down
his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding
cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway,
then managed to find a large full box of band aids
before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on
each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost
empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way
to bed.

Morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and
butt to find his wife staring at him from across the
room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last
night!!!"

Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly
at her and replied: "Now Hon, why would you say such a
mean thing?"

"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open,
the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of
blood trailing through the house, and your bloodshot
eyes but, mostly....


...it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs
mirror!"

[tree68]

I didn't see any mention of him being blonde...[:D]

[CShaveRR]

No, but just think how drunk you have to get to be like a stereotypical blonde (or blond, in this case)!

[rrnut282]

Jim
I should have checked that reference b4 posting, but was too rushed. Maybe that's from the NIV (New Internet Version) of the Bible. [oops]

[Anonymous]

NOw i've never done ANYTHING like that in Jim's Story,

That should prove to you, Larry That i'm Not blonde.

[:D]

[Anonymous]

Two For Tuesday . . . . . [:p] [:p]


I think most of us can relate to the first joke. [;)]


Employee....."I'm sorry but I can't come into work due
to a condition called "Anal Glaucoma."

Boss............"Anal Glaucoma? What IS that?"

Employee....."I can't see my butt coming to work
today..."




Grammer 101

An Engli***eacher at Iowa State University spent a
lot of time marking grammatical errors in her
students' written work. She wasn't sure how much
impact she was having until one overly busy day when
she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again... "What
was the matter? What has been the matter? What might
have been the matter..."



Ed, MudChicken, Vic, Jim, get ready to explain that last one. You know Who, is bound to ask about it. lol [}:)] [:p] [;)]

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Two For Tuesday . . . . . [:p] [:p]


I think most of us can relate to the first joke. [;)]


Employee....."I'm sorry but I can't come into work due
to a condition called "Anal Glaucoma."

Boss............"Anal Glaucoma? What IS that?"

Employee....."I can't see my butt coming to work
today..."




Grammer 101

An Engli***eacher at Iowa State University spent a
lot of time marking grammatical errors in her
students' written work. She wasn't sure how much
impact she was having until one overly busy day when
she sat at her desk rubbing her temples.

A student asked, "What's the matter, Mrs. Sheridan?"

"Tense," she replied, describing her emotional state.

After a slight pause the student tried again... "What
was the matter? What has been the matter? What might
have been the matter..."



Ed, MudChicken, Vic, Jim, get ready to explain that last one. You know Who, is bound to ask about it. lol [}:)] [:p] [;)]


[?] Owl loose in here? Who?

[Anonymous]

Hump Day Helpers . . . . . . . [:p]


Questions for thought [:0]


Forty is the old age of youth; fifty is the youth of
old age.


"In elementary school, in case of fire you have to
line up quietly in a single file line from the
smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people
burn slower?" Warren Hutcherson

[cherokee woman]

They want the short ones in front so they know they got them out.

[tree68]

They're below the smoke, too, so they can see......

[vsmith]

As a Guiness drinker I particularly like this one...

It seems that there was a Beer Competition taking place in a Mid-Eastern city, one that drew contestants from all over the world. On the evening before the awards announcments, the presidents of the four largest beer brewers in the world got together for a night out on the town.

The president of Anheiser-Busch orders a Bud, loudly proclaim that he was drinking the best beer in the world; after all, "Bud is the king of beers."

The president of the Coors orders a Coors beer, also proclaiming it to be the best in the world. Ditto for the president of Miller Brewing company.

The only foreigner in the room was from the Guinness brewery. He orders a whiskey, neat. The others are all aghast at him - "What, you're not gonna order a Guinness?!"

"Naw" the Irishman says. "If you guys are not gonna have a beer, then I guess I won't have one either!!"

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

As a Guiness drinker I particularly like this one...

It seems that there was a Beer Competition taking place in a Mid-Eastern city, one that drew contestants from all over the world. On the evening before the awards announcments, the presidents of the four largest beer brewers in the world got together for a night out on the town.

The president of Anheiser-Busch orders a Bud, loudly proclaim that he was drinking the best beer in the world; after all, "Bud is the king of beers."

The president of the Coors orders a Coors beer, also proclaiming it to be the best in the world. Ditto for the president of Miller Brewing company.

The only foreigner in the room was from the Guinness brewery. He orders a whiskey, neat. The others are all aghast at him - "What, you're not gonna order a Guinness?!"

"Naw" the Irishman says. "If you guys are not gonna have a beer, then I guess I won't have one either!!"

Very good!![:p]

[Anonymous]

Thursday's Humor Paper . . . . . . . [:p]

This came to me from a guy at work. He said it came from Car Talk.


Husband 1.0


Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry application, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0 and NBA 3.6.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate


Credit: Darrell Knowles


In the Finally Friday's edition I will show the Tech Support reply. [}:)] [:p] [;)]

[Anonymous]

This is way toooo funny for words.

[:o)] [:D] [;)]

Nobody ever said that the common criminal was smart. [}:)] [:p]

Check this out. [:D]

http://www.bullguard.com/badnews/