Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[cherokee woman]

Give me time: the litttle Indian's thinking. Walt's been wondering why he smells smoke and neither of us have a cigarette lit. He's wondering who I'm sending smoke signals to.

He told me this is the INTERNET, not the INTERBLANKET[:0][:p]

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Oliver Trzok

Could y'all be serious for a moment and tell me how to turn my boss into a potato? [dinner]

Sorry, Oliver, locomutt got me sidetracked, and I lost my train of thought.

Maybe find a HUGE potato fryer, and put the boss in it?

Hey Mook, can YOU think of anything?

[Mookie]

I have heard of turning into a gas station and a grocery store, but never into a potato.

And you have that backwards - you want to turn a potato into a boss, which shouldn't be too hard considering some bosses aren't as smart as some potatoes!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

Sorry, Oliver, locomutt got me sidetracked, and I lost my train of thought.

Isn't the proper term... "Derailed my Train of thought?"

[:D]

[locomutt]

Kevin, have you been emailing locomutt and conspiring with him? That's just about the same words HE used!!

cherokee woman

[cherokee woman]

It seems there was an indian that stood on a street corner and every time a pretty lady
would go by, he'd say"Umm. Chance."

This went on for quite a while. Finally, a lady walked by and he said "Umm. Chance."
She turned and asked him, "How come you don't say 'how'?"

He looked back and said, "Me knowum how, me wantum chance."

[Granny74]

Kevin; We have just received a message from the International Society for the Protection of Mr. Potato Heads and they tell us they are on the way to your place to protest your treatment of your Mr. Potato Head! They probably will have pickets up shortly with signs, "Kevin--unfair to Mr. Potato Head.
AND ED,-- the second message from the scociety says that they will be by your place to reassure you thAt ---Yes, Ed, Mr. Potato Head IS a Real Pet, so take good care of him!
nance69

[Rick Gates]

Ok Mookie.....I lied. Here's a few......[}:)] SHE WAS SOOOOO BLONDE...She thought a quarterback was a refund. She thought General Motors was in the army. She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. She thought Boyz ll Men was a day care center. At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote " Sagittarius." She Was Soooooooo Blonde.....She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept. She sent a fax with a stamp on it. Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked ON Phonics." She Was Soooooooooooo Blonde.....She tripped over a cordless phone. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate." She told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK" and "DON'T WALK." She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. She Was Sooooooooooo Blonde....She studied for a blood test. She sold her car for gas money. When she missed bus #44 she took bus#22 twice instead. When she went to the train station and saw a sign that said "Train Station Left," she turned around and went home. She Was Sooooooo Blonde...When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. She thought that if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front." She was Soooooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde....She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. [8]

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season . . . . . [8D]



ACTUAL NEWSPAPER HEADLINES


Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy

British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half

Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing

Steals Clock, Faces Time

Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni

Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board

Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors

Some Pieces Of Rock Hudson Sold At Auction

Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Police Discovered Potted Plants Were Really Cannabis

Headless Body Found In Topless Bar

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by nance69

Kevin; We have just received a message from the International Society for the Protection of Mr. Potato Heads and they tell us they are on the way to your place to protest your treatment of your Mr. Potato Head! They probably will have pickets up shortly with signs, "Kevin--unfair to Mr. Potato Head.
AND ED,-- the second message from the scociety says that they will be by your place to reassure you thAt ---Yes, Ed, Mr. Potato Head IS a Real Pet, so take good care of him!
nance69

Yeah, your right, I should be nicer to the poor fellow. Anyone know where to get one of those Bop toys you punch and they spring back up, they are filled qwiht air and the bootom has some sort of weight attatched to them.. they were popular many years ago, the dotors office still has them for little kids...

I really don't want my Potato head to call Potato head protection service on me

I take it all back... [:D]

[JoeKoh]

Jim Usually posts one for Sunday but heres one my sister in law sent.
to you
If god had a refrigerator your picture would be on it
if he had a wallet your pic would be in it
he sends flowers every spring
and a sunrise everymorning
whenever you want to talk he listens
he could live anywhere in the universe but chose you heart
face it freinds he is crazy about us!God didnt promise us days without pain,laughter without sorrow,sun without rain.but he did promise strength for the day,comfort for the tears,and a light for the way.
stay safe
Joe

[Anonymous]

Sunday Funnies . . . . . [:o)] [:D]


Dictionary for Yankees (To know what we Southerners are saying) [:D] [}:)] [;)]


HEIDI: (noun) Greeting.

HIRE YEW: (complete sentence) Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi, hire yew?"

BARD: (verb) Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH: (noun) The state north of Florida. Capital is
Lanner. Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup
truck."

BAMMER: (noun) The state west of Jawjuh. Capital is
Berminhayum. Usage: "A tornader jes went through
Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."

MUNTS: (noun) A calendar division. Usage: "My brother
from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd
from him in munts."

THANK: (verb) Cognitive process. Usage: "Ah thank
ah'll have a Coke."

RANCH: (noun) A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage:
"I thank I leff my ranch in the back of that pickup
truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL: (noun) A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: "I
sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup
truck."

FAR: (noun) A conflagration. Usage: "If my brother
from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck,
that thing's gonna catch far."

TAR: (noun) A rubber wheel. Usage: "I hope that
brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my
pickup truck."

TIRE: (noun) A tall monument. Usage: "Lord willin' and
the creek don't rise, Ah sure hope to see that Eiffel
Tire in Pars sometime."

RETARD: (verb) To stop working. Usage: "My grampaw
retard at age 65."

FARN: (adjective) Not domestic. Usage: "I cuddint
unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn
country."

DID: (adjective) Not alive. Usage: "He's did, Jim."

ARE: (noun) A colorless, odorless gas; oxygen. Usage:
"He cain't breathe ... give 'im some ARE!"

BOB WAR: (noun) A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: "Boy,
stay away from that bob war fence."

[cherokee woman]

Those are really good, Jim: got anymore for our northern friends to learn?

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

It seems there was an indian that stood on a street corner and every time a pretty lady
would go by, he'd say"Umm. Chance."

This went on for quite a while. Finally, a lady walked by and he said "Umm. Chance."
She turned and asked him, "How come you don't say 'how'?"

He looked back and said, "Me knowum how, me wantum chance."

reminds me of the old TV show F Troop, Sarg asks the Hekawee Chief Wild Eagle how the tribe got its name he tells him that many years ago while looking for a new home, after wandering the praries for several months the chief stepped forward and proclaimed, "we' the heck are we?"

[Anonymous]

LOL JIM

Is that what your Teacher learned you in Schoo...?

1-1-0-0

[CShaveRR]

Yeah, but the capital of 'Bammer is really Montgomery!

Also, I retard every day I work, so when I'm retard, I won't retard any more. Hmmm...

[edblysard]

He forgot a few...
like
Ouch,
often used along with
Yonder,
as in
"He's ouch younder, by tree". (he is out there by the tree)

And "rat"
As in,
"I'll be rat back" or "I'll be back rat sun" (I will be right back, or I will be back right soon)

And we use "earl" as a way to describe the black gold that comes out of the ground around these parts...

Ed

[edblysard]

Heres a old one,

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo how it's done!

I know, boo hiss....
Ed

[Anonymous]

Ed, here's another--"what's goin' on?--Nunya, nunya biznis!" Be safe Ed!!"

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Heres a old one,

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo how it's done!

I know, boo hiss....
Ed

Well in all my Years, I never heard of that one before

The one Kevin says, although i'm not sure how it goes

Why did the chicken cross the road, and the answer involves a few metals from the periodic table and The derivative of Kai Square...

puts you to sleep after hearing it...

Here's a math Question for you all, one of Kev's favorite

If everyhting times Zero is Zero, and everyhting times infiniti is infiniti...

what's Zero times infiniti?

-Christa

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Heres a old one,

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo how it's done!

I know, boo hiss....
Ed

That's quite the Texas culinary treat when he don't make it cross ......'Diller on the half shell

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Heres a old one,

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo how it's done!

I know, boo hiss....
Ed

That's quite the Texas culinary treat when he don't make it cross ......'Diller on the half shell

And if the car happens to get both of them...then we got us surf and turf..bring a date!

[Anonymous]

The Road Kill grill is alive (dead) and cookin!!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by dharmon

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Heres a old one,

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the armadillo how it's done!

I know, boo hiss....
Ed

That's quite the Texas culinary treat when he don't make it cross ......'Diller on the half shell

And if the car happens to get both of them...then we got us surf and turf..bring a date!

And for the appetizer . . . . . Turtle soup... from the river . . . to the gunny sack . . . to the pot.

Down home knee slapping good. [;)]

[Anonymous]

It is past midnight on the east coast so that means only one thing. . . . . that it is past midnight on the east coast. [;)] [:D] [}:)]

Time for Monday Madness . . . . [:D] [8D] [:o)]


I think we have seen this one. It came to me tonight in a slightly remodeled form. But hey, we can still laugh (or cry) over it. [}:)] [;)]



NEW ELEMENT - GOVERMENTIUM


A major research institution (MRI) has recently
announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical
element yet known to science. The new element has
been tentatively named Governmentium.

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons,
75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons,
giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces
called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities
of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since governmentium has no electrons, it is inert.
However, it can be detected as it impedes every
reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute
amount of governmentium causes one reaction to take
over four days to complete when it would normally take
less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of three years;
it does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact,
governmentium's mass will actually increase over time,
since each reorganization will cause some morons to
become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some
scientists to speculate that governmentium is formed
whenever morons reach a certain quantity in
concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred
to as Critical Morass.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

Find Him a Couch,a remote,a ball game and a beer[8][}:)]

Thanks for the suggestion, locomutt, but I'm afraid some couch potatoes still have the ability to boss people around [sigh]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

Sorry, Oliver, locomutt got me sidetracked, and I lost my train of thought.

Maybe find a HUGE potato fryer, and put the boss in it?

Hey Mook, can YOU think of anything?

Oh, it's OK, I guess if I really didn't like him that much, it would be wiser to turn away from the job than to try to turn anybody into vegetables. (Am I a philosopher, or what?[:o)])
But how do you know the fryer should be HUGE? Who told you my boss was.... how do you say, elegantly rounded? [:I]

[Anonymous]

WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
I have no children, but I like this:

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students...here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was "Don't!" "Don't what?" Adam replied. "Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said. "Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve, we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"
"No way!"
"Yes way!"
"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.
"Why?"
"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.
"Uh huh," Adam replied.
"Then why did you?" said the Father.
"I don't know," said Eve.
"She started it!" Adam said
"Did not!"
"Did too!"
"DID NOT!"
Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!

1. You spend the first two years of their lives teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day (or better yet, take care of you if they want any kind of inheritance).

AND FINALLY: If you have a lot of tension and get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children."

Quick, send this on to 10 people within the next five minutes.
Nothing will happen if you don't, but if you do, 10 people will be laughing.

Have fun,
Oliver

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Rick Gates

Ok Mookie.....I lied. Here's a few......[}:)] SHE WAS SOOOOO BLONDE...She thought a quarterback was a refund. She thought General Motors was in the army. She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. She thought Boyz ll Men was a day care center. At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote " Sagittarius." She Was Soooooooo Blonde.....She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept. She sent a fax with a stamp on it. Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked ON Phonics." She Was Soooooooooooo Blonde.....She tripped over a cordless phone. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate." She told me to meet her at the corner of 'WALK" and "DON'T WALK." She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. She Was Sooooooooooo Blonde....She studied for a blood test. She sold her car for gas money. When she missed bus #44 she took bus#22 twice instead. When she went to the train station and saw a sign that said "Train Station Left," she turned around and went home. She Was Sooooooo Blonde...When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. She thought that if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front." She was Soooooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde....She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. [8]

Mookie is soooo glad she is not a blonde - altho as she gets older, some of her hair is coming in "blonde". [V]

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

It seems there was an indian that stood on a street corner and every time a pretty lady
would go by, he'd say"Umm. Chance."

This went on for quite a while. Finally, a lady walked by and he said "Umm. Chance."
She turned and asked him, "How come you don't say 'how'?"

He looked back and said, "Me knowum how, me wantum chance."

reminds me of the old TV show F Troop, Sarg asks the Hekawee Chief Wild Eagle how the tribe got its name he tells him that many years ago while looking for a new home, after wandering the praries for several months the chief stepped forward and proclaimed, "we' the heck are we?"

Boy they cleaned up that old joke for TV. Thank goodness!