Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[cypriano]

A stitch in Time holds the magazine together.

[Anonymous]

AAAAAAAAuuuuuu Yessssssss, . . . Finally Friday. . . . .[:)]


This must be an Engish joke, a biscuit box is the same
as a cookie tin....

Today's Joke

A man walked into a bar with a duck and a biscuit box.
He set the duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar
and the duck began dancing.

The bartender found this rather interesting as did the
rest of the customers in the pub. They all came round
the duck and watched it for hours, and while doing so,
bought more and more drink.

By the end of the night the bar was full of people
watching this amazing duck, still dancing and giving
the odd quack now and again. The bar tender realized
that he hadn't seen business this good in a long time.
It was so good that he offered to buy the duck from
the man to which the man agrees to sell for $500. The
bartender thinks it is a bit expensive but agrees to
buy it anyhow. On selling the duck, the man went home,
leaving a crowded bar watching his dancing duck.

Later that night, the man got a telephone call; it was
the bartender and he exclaimed that the duck was a
great success and that he earned his money back in the
amount of drinks he sold, but he inquired, "There is
one thing... How do you get the duck to stop dancing?"


"Oh simple; just take the lid off the biscuit box and
blow out the candle."

[Mookie]

I am so glad it is Friday - after that one!

[JoeKoh]

Auntie Mook
you know one of matts favorite snacks is quackers and milk![:)]
stay safe(dodging snowballs)
Joe and Matt

[Anonymous]

LOL Joe...

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cypriano

A stitch in Time holds the magazine together.

Good one![:D]

[Mookie]

Duck is good - tastes just like chicken.....

[Anonymous]

Duck is bad.. Kevin no like.

the worst is Duck liver Paté, tastes like pre-eaten vomit.

[rixflix]

John and Mary were
asleep, snug and warm in their little bungalow but outside it was storming and raining to beat the band. They were suddenly awakened by loud knocking on the door. "Who would be out there in this weather knocking on our door" he grumbled as he put on his slippers He cracked the door open and asked a soaking wet man the same question. "Yes, it's pretty bad out here but I really need a push.", the man said. John looked over the man's shoulder at the rain and thinking quickly said "Well, this weather has got my arthritis going and I don't think I'd be much help, but there's a 7-11 down the road a little. Maybe someone there could help." After he watched the stranger walk away, he returned to bed and related the story to Mary. Mary reproached him, saying "Shame on you John. Remember our honeymoon and those people who helped us when we broke down?" So John pulled on his pants and went out on the porch. He yelled "Hey buddy, I'll give you a hand!' A voice came back from the darkness "I'm over here!" John peered through the rain and hollered back "Where?"
The answer came back "On your swingset!!!"

Blessed be Jean Shepard and all His works
captain vidio aka rixflix
over and out

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Duck is bad.. Kevin no like.

the worst is Duck liver Paté, tastes like pre-eaten vomit.

Kevin !!!!! How would you possibly know that?

[Anonymous]

Saturday's Silly Season [:D]


Redneck High Tech Lingo


Backup: what you do when you run across a skunk in the
woods

Bug: the reason you give for calling in sick

Byte: what your pit bull done to cousin Jethro

Chip: pasture muffins that you try not to step in

Crash: when you go to Junior's party uninvited

Digital: the art of counting on your fingers

Diskette: female Disco dancer

Fax: what you lie about to the IRS

Hacker: Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

Hardcopy: picture looked at when selecting tattoos

Internet: where cafeteria workers put their hair

Keyboard: where you hang the keys to the John Deere

Mac: Big Bubba's favorite fast food

Megahertz: how your head feels after 17 beers

Modem: what you do when the grass gets too high

Mouse Pad: where Mickey and Minnie live

Network: scooping up a big fish before it breaks the
line

ROM: where the pope lives

Screen: keeps mosquitoes off the porch

Serial Port: a red wine you drink with breakfast?

Superconductor: Amtrak's Employee of the Year

SCSI (pronounced scuzzi): what you call your week-old
underwear

Terminal: time to call the undertaker

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Duck is bad.. Kevin no like.

the worst is Duck liver Paté, tastes like pre-eaten vomit.

Kevin !!!!! How would you possibly know that?

LOL see thats the joke...

All vomit is pre-eaten food.

I always say "duck don't say Cluck and is therfore bad."

[Anonymous]

Sunday Funnies . . . . . [:)]




Actual Newspaper Headlines

1. Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
2. Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
3. Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be
Belted
4. Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case
5. Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6. Farmer Bill Dies In House
7. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8. Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
9. Stud Tires Out
10. Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
11. Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over
12. Soviet Virgin Lands Short Of Goal Again
13. British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
14. Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
15. Eye Drops Off Shelf
16. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17. President Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18. Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
19. Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20. Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax


Number 17 is "right on the money" for our current president. And that is a not so funny joke, but true. [:(]

[Anonymous]

You know what the problem with sunday jokes are?

Monday is tommorow.

[Anonymous]

Nothing like having to do your post for a second time. [:(!]

The first one is floating around in internet hyperspace SOMEWHERE. [V]


Time for Monday Madness. [:o)]

Yes I know it is a little early for Monday but like the country song says, "It's 5 o'clock somewhere" only we need to say, it's midnight somewhere. lol [:D]


These links are perfect for the Monday Madness edition of the paper. If you found these "things" around your house I am sure it would be nothing but madness. That is unless you live with Ed, but even Ed might not want these hanging around.

You all know what they say about beauty being in the eye of the beholder. Well I be holding an elephant gun should I find what is behind link # 2 around my house. And as far as link # 1 goes, just give me a good old fashioned World War II issue flame thrower.


If someone has a lot of time on their hands Monday, try counting the number of "things" in link 1 and give us a count. btw, Does anyone know how to cook chicken? Some of you will get that after you see the picture. (Don't forget the flame thrower. [}:)] [:D] )

Nuff said, now for the links, (I would say "enjoy" but the shoe could be on the other foot, or should I say, in the other mouth.) [}:)] [:p] [;)] [:0]


Link # 1

http://www.departmentofmysteries.com/jhhtrainsplanes/image002.jpg


Link # 2

http://www.departmentofmysteries.com/jhhtrainsplanes/image001.jpg


Special Thanks to Nora for hosting the links. [;)]

[edblysard]

Actually Jim,

We do have a few around here, just not as house pets.

Boas, yes, vipers, no.

Without seeing an entire snake, a guess would be a barrel full of western
Diamondback rattlesnakes at one of those stupid rattlesnake round-ups.

Species: Crotalus atrox.

Family: Viperidae (vipers and pit vipers)

Their habitat most often is desert, scrubs and rocky places, but due to human encroachment, they can be found in almost any west and southwestern city and town from the Mississippi river to California's coast.

Their kissing cousin, the Eastern Timber rattlesnake, is bigger, and more lethal.
He lives east of the Mississippi to the Atlantic seaboard, all the way up to Maine.

Both snakes give live birth, between 4 and 21 young per clutch.

The rattle is not a good way to tell their age, the rings are added every time they shed, and some shed four or five times a year, depending on the amount of food they have access to.

Prey for both are birds and mammals, rodents, mice and rats.

The adult diamondback averages between 3 1/2 feet to 5 feet, adult timber rattlers average 6 to 6 1/2 feet.

The Timber rattler is bigger, hence delivers more venom per bite, its venom is no more toxic than other vipers.

And the Timber rattler is even better at blending into it habitat than most, its coloring almost matches the appearence of a old, dead tree limb.

Rattlesnake venom is both a hemotoxin and a neurotoxin, meaning it attacks both the nervous systen, and the tissues.
It is a modified form of saliva, that paralyzes the prey, and begins the digestive process.

Contray to popular myth, snake venom can not be sucked out of a bite, think about it the next time your doctor gives you a injection, try sucking it out.

Prompt medical attention is a absolute if bitten, even though the majority of bites are dry, because the snake dosnt wastes it venom unless it feels threatened, it takes two days or more to produce more venom, that two days without eating.

But even dry snake bites can become septic if not attended to quickly.

Eyesight beyond three feet is poor, although the jacobson organ in most vipers is very well developed.

If threatened, anything within that three feet will be bitten.

The rattlesnake has well developed heat pits, often mistaken as nostrils on its nose, which help it pinpoint its prey.

When you see a snake flicking it's tongue in and out, it is really tasting the air.
It flicks the tongue out, collecting molocules of air, then inserts the tip of the tongue in the jacobson organ located in the roof of the mouth.

This organ can discriminate between 1/2 degree of heat, direction the scent came from, and what it is smelling, sorta like a super set of sinues, adnoids and heavy duty tastebuds combined.

All snakes have this organ, and their tongues are split, so they can "taste" the air with each side, and locate which side their prey is on.

Again, without seeing a entire specimen, this may also be a group of Crotalus durissus, commonly know as the tropical rattlesnake.

Almost identical in appearence to the diamondback, this species has a pair of dark stripes running down the upper portion of its neck, but may have the same diamond pattern as it big brother.

Only a little bit smaller at a average of 3 feet, this one can be found in the lower parts of Mexico, and through Central and South America.

Rattlesnakes are active at night, and den or hide during daylight.

They often emerge late in the afternoon to sun themselves, as reptiles, they are coldblooded, and generate no body heat themselves.

Because they are primarly a night time hunter, the majority of human bites is due to the human disturbing the resting snake durning the day, and when frightened, they will rattle and adopt the coiled up posture in prepration to strike.

Another myth, that they allways rattle before they strike.
Step on one, and find out how fast they bite first, rattle later.

If you hear one rattleing, and dont leave, and do come withing their limited range of eyesight, they will bite in self defense.

Leave these guy to the pros, and leave them alone, they are excellent rodent control, and will eat several large rats per night.

Most railroaders will have a least one rattlesnake story, because the track ballast seems to be a favorite place to sun themselves, and switchstands are excellent hideing places.
Not to mention the grain trains, and the elevators they service are prime rat attractors, and therefore rattlesnakes find them excellent places to live and hunt.

And just to calm your nerves, more people are struck and killed by lightning strikes than die from snake bites in the US.

As for the jumbo Croc, dont belive that looney Aussie, Crocs are just flat out hungry and mean.

Stay Frosty,
Ed[swg]

[CShaveRR]

Aw, Gee, Ed, you just spoiled my one snake joke.

I couldn't have put it here, anyway, but you may know it already: it's the one where the punchline is, "The doctor says you're gonna die!".

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

Aw, Gee, Ed, you just spoiled my one snake joke.

I couldn't have put it here, anyway, but you may know it already: it's the one where the punchline is, "The doctor says you're gonna die!".

Carl [:)]

Yes, I remember that one hahahahahaha lol lol. [:D] [:D] [:D]

[Anonymous]

This was sent to me on 1 -31 04. These fun pages take a while to load and because they are so slow I many times don't open them until the weekend. This one is not funny but I believe it does offer a message that many of us will agree with. I really try to not be too political (you really would agree if you had seen the post I almost posted about 2 days ago, but because the thread starter is a 7 th grader I chose not to hurt him and turn his thread into a political rucus so I deleted all but one line of my intended post). Meanwhile back at the ranch life goes on, good for some, not so good for others, as the link will point out.


http://www.debsfunpages.com/attackappalachia.htm

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

Aw, Gee, Ed, you just spoiled my one snake joke.

I couldn't have put it here, anyway, but you may know it already: it's the one where the punchline is, "The doctor says you're gonna die!".

Brother Carl - even your big sister has heard this one! It is funny!

[edblysard]

Jim,
Now that was truly funny, and yet, at the same time not so funny, but very true.

And yeah, Carl, "the doc says your gonna die!"
I doubt there is anyway to clean it up enough to post here, but still a funny joke.
Ed

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by edblysard

Jim,
Now that was truly funny, and yet, at the same time not so funny, but very true.

And yeah, Carl, "the doc says your gonna die!"
I doubt there is anyway to clean it up enough to post here, but still a funny joke.
Ed

That is a very old joke. Good but old. And if you tried to clean it up to post,
it wouldn't be funny anymore[:D]

Now, did you hear the one about.....................[?]

[Anonymous]

Well, at least we know the rattlesnake joke has pretty much made it around the country. lol

Ok, now we will switch animals and go to dogs. Walt send me this e-card today. It has a very good message. It just shows that "how you see things" maybe different from how other people see things. And this is good for our GE vs EMD war that always seems to spring back up just when we finally get it laid to rest (we think). I don't know about you but I would love to bury it for good.

Anyway, click on the link and view the story.


http://www.funbab.com/1/puppy.htm

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

Aw, Gee, Ed, you just spoiled my one snake joke.

I couldn't have put it here, anyway, but you may know it already: it's the one where the punchline is, "The doctor says you're gonna die!".

OK Someone tell me that joke... It sounds funny!

I don't know it..
Hey Ed, you got any spare snakes that would make great valentines gifts?

The thought of seeing my GF shreak then faint kind of amuses me.

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

Aw, Gee, Ed, you just spoiled my one snake joke.

I couldn't have put it here, anyway, but you may know it already: it's the one where the punchline is, "The doctor says you're gonna die!".

OK Someone tell me that joke... It sounds funny!

I don't know it..
Hey Ed, you got any spare snakes that would make great valentines gifts?

The thought of seeing my GF shreak then faint kind of amuses me.

Kevin, Girlfriend (when she regained consciousness) wouldn't even bother with a level swing, she'd flat out kill you probably, if you did that. Shame on you[:(]

[locomutt]

Kev,
If you want that joke send me an e-mail and I'll give it to you.
And I really agree with CW, if you did that to GF,your "LIFE" as you knew it;
wouldn't be!

[edblysard]

CW,
Two stars already!!!
Funny, but the snakes we raise belong to my wife, Aimee.
Seems for some reason, either women love the silly things, or hate them with a passion.
Might have to do with the Adam and Eve thing, who knows.
But we have 7 boas, and one Texas rat snake.
The momma boa is 6'8" and weighs in around 45lbs.
My wife and daughters love Halloween, they all dress up as witches, and each carries one of the snakes.
Sorta brings a new twist to the trick part of trick or treat!

Again, congrats on your 2nd star...
Ed

[JoeKoh]

A fake rat in your mother in laws refrigerator only hurts for a littlewhile.
stay safe
Joe

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by JoeKoh

A fake rat in your mother in laws refrigerator only hurts for a littlewhile.
stay safe
Joe

Speaking of refridgerators...

Once when we were having a stint of food dissapearing from the office fridge, I decided to see if i could smoke out the thief. Being in the construction trade we usually have a lot of material samples laying around. I found a floor tile sample , about 3 inches square that looked exactly like a chocolate fudge brownie, I placed it on a paper plate with a napkin over it and put it in the fridge...Sure enough about mid afternoon we hear..."Hey who put this $%#^ tile in the fridge!" the food thief was fingered.

No broken teeth but a bit embarrased, to make ammends,the thief ended up buying lunch for all of us.[:D]

[vsmith]

This jokes a little risque but as they say "no risque, no gain"

Texas Midget

There was a midget down in Texas who complained to his buddy that his privates ached almost all the time.

As he was always complaining about his problem, his friend finally suggested that he go to a doctor to see what could be done to relieve the problem.

The midget took his advice and went to the doctor and told him what the problem was.

The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look.

The midget dropped his pants. The doctor put him up onto the examining table, and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under the left side and told the midget to turn his head and cough - the usual method to check for a hernia.

"Aha!" said the doc, and putting his finger under the right side, he asked the midget to cough again.

"Aha!" said the doctor and reached for his surgical scissors.

Snip, snip, snip, snip on the right side then snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip, snip on the left side.

The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt.

The doctor then told the midget to get dressed and see if they still ached.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around the doc's office and discovered his privates were no longer aching.

"Gee, what did you do, Doc?" he asked.

The doc replied,

"I cut two inches off the tops of your cowboy boots."