Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[CShaveRR]

Sorry, guys...both daughters, both blondes, both spoken for!

(And as for the big one vs. the little one, the older one is littler.)

[vsmith]

Dont know if I posted this one yet, but if not.....

TWENTY-FIVE THINGS YOU SHOULD HAVE LEARNED..

1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all of your other parts feel so good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

15. No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

25. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.



#13 is my personal mantra...

[vsmith]

Broken English.

The English, don't you just love them............and their use of the
English language !

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES
WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE
BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE
DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT
BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY
CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE
BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET
LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE
BELL DOESN'T WORK)

That strange whirling sound is Oscar Wilde spinning in his grave!!!!

[Anonymous]

tee hee LOL

I'm not a BLOND!, Thats light Brown!!

Theres a diffrence!

does that mean i'm more stupider?

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

tee hee LOL

I'm not a BLOND!, Thats light Brown!!

Theres a diffrence!

does that mean i'm more stupider?

I think the correct phrase should be "does that mean I'm more stupid?"

And YES, there IS a difference between blond and light brown.[:)][:p]

[Mikeygaw]

ok, true story

I assume you all know about Jehovah's Witnesses...

Well, when they would come around to preach, my great-grandmother would invite them in and spend hours preaching to them and debating with them. They would have to be rescued from her by my grandmother

[CShaveRR]

Well, sometimes the light brown used to be blond.

I like to say that my wife's silver-blonde. She says my time will come (somehow I don't think it will be tonight!).

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

Well, sometimes the light brown used to be blond.

I like to say that my wife's silver-blonde. She says my time will come (somehow I don't think it will be tonight!).

Carl [:)]

I guess you plan on sleeping on the couch tonight. [}:)] [;)]

[Anonymous]

H U M P . D A Y . H E L P E R S . . . . . [:D]


Last Laugh

"Boss, I've got to have a raise," the salesman said to
his sales manager. "There are three other companies
after me."

"Is that a fact?" the manager asked. "What other
companies are after you?"

"The light company, the phone company, and the gas
company."


[;)] [:D] [:)] [:p] [}:)] [:o)]

[Anonymous]

I named this joke "Better Fu than sorry"...

Please xcuse the (implied) language. [:I]

Bu, Chu and Fu immigrated to the USA from China.
They decided to become American citizens, and "americanize" their names.
Bu called himself "Buck", Chu called himself "Chuck". Fu decided to return
to China. [:O][oops]

[:-^]

[Mookie]

smart move!

[vsmith]

Subject: Signs of the Times


On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"
**************************

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
**************************


Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************

At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************

On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.."
**************************

Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
**************************

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************

On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
**************************

At a Towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
**************************

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************

In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."
**************************

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."
**************************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
**************************

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up."
**************************

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************

At a Propane Filling Station,
"Thank heaven for little grills."
**************************

And don't forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak"
*************************

[CShaveRR]

We have a local shop specializing in window treatments: "Caution: Blind Man Driving".

And I saw a plumber's truck up in Michigan once: "A Flush Beats a Full House".

[locomutt]

Sign seen on A Very UPSCALE law firm

"Dewey,Cheatem & Howe Attys. of Law"

[rrnut282]

Now for everybody's favorite: Blonde jokes

If you don't like them, substitute something else for blonde.
> >
> > BLONDE MECHANIC
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells
> > the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is
> > idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap
> > in the carburetor." She asks, "How often do I have to do > that?"
> >
> >
> > SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks
> > her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I
> > wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away
> > my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
> >
> >(In honor of the Super Boowwlll thread starring Janet Jackson)
> > EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and
> > her right *** hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says,
> > "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?" She
> > says, "Why officer?" "Because your *** is hanging out," he says. She
> > looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
> >
> > RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and
> > sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How
> > can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then
> > down the river and shouts back, "You ARE on the other side."
> >
> > KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the
> > freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde
> > behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his
> > flashing lights and siren, he trooper cranked down his window, turned on
> > his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back,
> > "IT'S A SCARF!"
> >
> > BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one
> > day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said,
> > "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going
> > to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at
> > each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot!
> > You'll burn up! "said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're
> > not stupid, you know. We're going to go at night!"
> >
> >
> > IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her
> > turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her
> > question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can
> > you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
> >
> > FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination
> > that consists of yes/no type questions. She takes her seat in the
> > examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes and
> > then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a coin and
> > starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet: Yes, for Heads, and
> > No, for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of
> > the class is still sweating it out. During the last few minute's she is
> > seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The
> > moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I
> > finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
> >
> >
> > DOGS
A girl was visiting herblond friend who had acquired two new dogs,
> > and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that
> > one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever
> > heard of someone naming dogs like that?" "HelOOOooo," answered the
> > blond. "They're watch dogs!"
SWIMMING
A blonde walking down the road come upon another blonde sitting in a rowboat in a field. Getting angry over the other's obvious stupidity, she shouts, "it's blonds like you who give all blondes a bad name. And if I could swim, I'd come out there and give you the blackeye you deserve."

OLYMPIC SWIMMING
It's the time trials for the women's 100 meter ***-stroke. The gun goes off and the swimmers dive in. One swimmer in particular, a blonde, was moving much slower than the other competitors. Some minutes after everyone else had left the pool, the blonde finally finishes and runs to the judges' table crying, "FOUL, the other girls were using their arms!!"

COMPUTERS
How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer recently?
By all the white-out with letters on the screen.

My apologies if you've heard these before.

[Mookie]

The driver will have a good evening watching the snow and reading these!

[Mikeygaw]

http://sr20.net/bunny.jpg

something weird i got from a friend

[vsmith]

ANOTHER TO ADD TO THE BLONDE LIST...

Da Bull...

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In
order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a
bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide
to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she
wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and
says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a
bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and
drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,
"It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette
only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister
one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send her
the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever
going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck
and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just
the word "comfortable?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it
very slowly, com-for-da-bul."

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

Sign seen on A Very UPSCALE law firm

"Dewey,Cheatem & Howe Attys. of Law"

I did too. 3 of thier employee's were named ...

Moe, Larry, and Curly.[;)]

[Anonymous]

What the...
Bunny pancake thing

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Oliver Trzok

I named this joke "Better Fu than sorry"...

Please xcuse the (implied) language. [:I]

Bu, Chu and Fu immigrated to the USA from China.
They decided to become American citizens, and "americanize" their names.
Bu called himself "Buck", Chu called himself "Chuck". Fu decided to return
to China. [:O][oops]

[:-^]

Well, why did Fu move back?

[espeefoamer]

[:)] A bunny with a pancake on its head. Is that this weeks special at IHOP?[:)]

[cherokee woman]

Kevin, does Uncle Zardoz have to explain everything to you??

[Anonymous]

Time for the Thursday Edition . . . . . [8D]

Vic & Jim, you two should love these [;)] [:D]



Do You Know The Meaning of "Service"?

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on
the meaning of the word "service." "The act of doing
things for other people."

Then I heard the terms:

Internal Revenue Service

Postal Service

Telephone Service

Civil Service

City/County Public Service

Customer Service

Service Stations

And I became confused about the word "service." This
is not what I thought "service" meant.

Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of
them mentioned that he was having a bull over to
"service" a few of his cows.

SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand
what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

[locomutt]

AMEN, Jim You really hit the nail on the head with that one!

VS, I hope you didn't have to deal with the 3 on your sign.
Unfortunately, I did have to deal with mine.

[JoeKoh]

dry cleaner store
we clean everything but fish
stay safe
Joe

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

Kevin, does Uncle Zardoz have to explain everything to you??

Please Uncle Zardoz, Would you explain...

[Anonymous]

I'm kidding I get it.

So no more one word E-mails that say

F***!!

[zardoz]

Wow! Saved in the nick of time! Of course, that is just a guess, as I have no idea how long a "nick" is; or how long a "stitch" in time is, either. [;)]

[Puckdropper]

A few observations (I came up with them, but maybe someone's had the same idea...)

Work is the spice of life... Garlic to be exact. Good in small amounts, but stay away from too much!

---

Why it's cold in the morning:
Ever wonder why it's cold in the morning? Never mind what science says, the real reason it's cold in the morning is God wanted us to stay asleep. Sleep right on through the cold, and wake when it has warmed. That's also why it gets cold at night. When it starts to get cold, it's time to go to sleep. Cold snaps are just a reminder to get some rest!