Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

oh and dknelson, congrats on your 4th star, it looks excellent!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

K K [:I] [:o)] [8)] [:X] [^] [:)] [:D]


I think you will get a "kick" out of these. [:)] [:D] [;)]

The teenage boys might not think they are too funny tho. [}:)]



SO YOU WANT TO DATE MY DAUGHTER


*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING* [Guys take note.]

Dan, I bet youre going to give your Daughters Boyfriend the 'ol I was in the core, and when you go to open the door and he offers to shake your hand.. your going to salute him and say.. "sorry, it's the memories of the core" Then when he calls you Sir.. your going to say, "Corprol Son..! Not Sir!"

You know how I know that happens... I have a Girlfriend and i had to meet her dad.. Oh boy, do i know these things happen..

what about you Ed.. what protective messures have you taken? [:D]

[zardoz]

(15 July 1999, Alabama) A 25-year-old soldier died of injuries sustained from a 3-story fall, precipitated by his attempt to spit farther than his buddy. His plan was to hurl himself towards a metal guardrail while expectorating, in order to add momentum to his saliva. In a tragic miscalculation, his momentum carried him right over the railing, which he caught hold of for a few moments before his grip slipped, sending him plummeting 24 feet to the cement below.

The military specialist had a blood alcohol content of 0.14%, impairing his judgment and paving the way for his opportunity to win a Darwin Award.

(11 August 1999) A 42-year-old man killed himself watching the eclipse while driving near Kaiserslautern, Germany. A witness driving behind him stated that the man was weaving back and forth as he concentrated on the partially occluded sun, when he suddenly accelerated and hit the bridge pier. He had apparently just donned his solar viewers, which are dark enough to totally obscure everything except the sun.

(25 May 1999, Ukraine) A fisherman in Kiev electrocuted himself while fishing in the river Tereblya. The 43-year-old man connected cables to the main power supply of his home, and trailed the end into the river. The electric shock killed the fish, which floated belly-up to the top of the water. The man waded in to collect his catch, neglecting to remove the live wire, and tragically suffered the same fate as the fish. In an ironic twist, the man was fishing for a mourning meal to commemorate the first anniversary of his mother-in-law's death.

(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.

(1991, Nicosia, Cypress) Under similar circumstances, an Iranian hunter was shot to death near Tehran by a snake that coiled around his shotgun as he pinned the reptile to the ground. Another hunter reported that that the victim, named Ali, tried to catch the snake alive by pressing the butt of his shotgun behind its head. The snake coiled around the butt and pulled the trigger, shooting Ali in the head.

(August 1999, Australia) Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits. A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from 1 point for beer to 8 points for hard liquor. Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236, (winners never quit!) which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0.353, 7 times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0.05%. After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence, the bathroom, Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within 1 hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0.41 to 0.43, but Allan had vomited several times after the drinking stopped. The cost paid by Allan was much higher than that of the hotel, which was fined the equivalent of $13,100 US dollars for not intervening. It is not known whether Allan required any further embalming.


(22 March 1999, Phnom Penh) Decades of armed strife has littered Cambodia with unexploded munitions and ordnance. Authorities warn citizens not to tamper with the devices. Three friends recently spent an evening sharing drinks and exchanging insults at a local cafe in the southeastern province of Svay Rieng. Their companionable arguing continued for hours, until one man pulled out a 25-year-old unexploded anti-tank mine found in his backyard. He tossed it under the table, and the three men began playing Russian roulette, each tossing down a drink and then stomping on the mine. The other villagers fled in terror. Minutes later, the explosive detonated with a tremendous boom, killing the three men in the bar. "Their wives could not even find their flesh because the blast destroyed everything," the Rasmei Kampuchea newspaper reported.



(5 September 1999, Jerusalem) The switch away from daylight savings time caused consternation among terrorist groups this year. At precisely 5:30 Israel time on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the untimely explosions.

Three days before, Israel had made a premature switch from daylight savings time to standard time in order to accommodate a week of Slihot, involving pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to "live on Zionist time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set on Daylight Savings time. The confused drivers had already switched to standard time. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering to the terrorists their well-deserved demise.

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

You know what this is?

The Big 9-0-0

Isn't there a steam locomotive neamed after me now?

I'm kidding.

Yeah it's an 0-0-0 .......


He shoots...he scores.....GOOOOOOOAAAAAALLLLLLL!

[:D]

[Anonymous]

Time for the Finally Friday editon of our paper . . . . . [8D]


I received these from Mookie. I tried to post them early this morning but the bed called and I just had to answer. So here they are for your viewing enjoyment.


Some of you may remember George from his glory days!

GEORGE CARLIN STRIKES AGAIN



1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those
little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a
peeing section in the swimming pool?
3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make
the Tennessee Titans?


4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea, does that mean that one
enjoys it?


5. There are three religious truths: a) Jews do not recognize Jesus
as the Messiah, b) Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of
The Christian faith, c) Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor
store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from
Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale
bread to begin with?

10. Why is a person, who plays the piano, called a pianist but a
person who drives a race car not called a racist?


11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?


12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it
follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys>deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners>depressed?


13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?


14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?


15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?



16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ?..they're cramming for

their final exam.


17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little
spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they
deliver the mail?

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly
are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.


21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't
zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

[Anonymous]

You know what this is?

The Big 9-0-0

Isn't there a steam locomotive neamed after me now?

I'm kidding.

[Anonymous]

You know what this is the BIG 8-9-9??

DARN!! see below

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

Didn't this thing resurface in India a year or so ago?

<ducking for cover with a wide grin for an umbrella>

If your referring to that mysterious nuclear engine that only ONE person has seen and of course, not a single photo, or train fan sighting, or proof other than his own word... No, The Big Joe wasn't that one, as I said it sank under its own titanic weight completely out of sight. The Rusky's filled in the sink hole and converted the military base to a Reindeer milk dairy.

Of Course... maybe the Ruskies sold the Indian Gov whatever schematic drawings that survived not being thrown into the Kremlin's heating boiler? Hmmmm.

[Mookie]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CShaveRR

Didn't this thing resurface in India a year or so ago?

<ducking for cover with a wide grin for an umbrella>

I remember that and I bet a few oldies on here will too! What a hoot!

[CShaveRR]

Didn't this thing resurface in India a year or so ago?

<ducking for cover with a wide grin for an umbrella>

[vsmith]

This came from a topic over on the Model RRing forum, where there's a great hoopla about who had the "biggest engine"

IOW, "Big Boy" vs "Allegenhy" vs PRR "S1" vs "Yellowstone" etc, etc.

Well I got a little fed up with all the "smoke and wind amounting to nothing" and decided to reveal the legend of the "Big Joe", a Russian cold war monster engine that exist now only in legend...told to me by the Grandfather of a friend in college who spoke sofetly and carefully, as if he was still being watched...

Since I know NONE of you will believe this story is true I'll post it here in the humor thread and you can take it as such....[;)]

"The Legend Of the "BIG JOE"

It’s a Little Known Fact that during the early 50's the Russians decided to claim the "Worlds Largest Locomotive" title by building the nuclear powered "Big Joe" a 4-12-12-0+0-12-12-0 monster engine built in super secret isolation at a secret military base located on the frozen Siberian tundra. Intended for the Moscow to Vladivostok Trans-Siberian run. The idea was to eliminate the need to stop for water or fuel so the train would run non-stop pulling trains up to ten-miles long.

The "Big Joe's" were apparently quite Amazing sight to behold. Imagine the largest articulated locomotive you've ever seen. A 4-12-12-0 in a cab-forward designation. The forward cab was 2 levels and looked more like a jet plane than a steam loco. Now take a second section 0-12-12-0 articulated with a secondary crew cab dormitory at the rear. Now imagine, straddling between these two monsters, pivoted mid-way on the articulated portions like a large square steel boiler section of a Bayers-Garret, looking much like a huge transformer, the Reactor Core, whose nuclear heart was the boilers heating source. To feed these steam monsters 3 huge water tenders trailing behind.

Once completed, it was rolled out of the train shed onto the tracks only to realize that it was too big to go through any tunnels and far too long for any curves, and while they were figuring out what to next, the heat from the nuclear reactor melted the permafrost under the engine, where upon it crashed thru the rails, the crews leaping from the two-story control cab, sinking under its own ocean liner weight, the heat of its atomic heart burning thru the soil to the center of the Earth, never to be seen again....

All records were destroyed to prevent word of this huge embarrassment from reaching Western ears, the crews and builders were dispatched to the gulag's were they were put to work perfecting the Trabant automobile. Stalin died soon after, some say the night he received word of the loss, and rumor has it, is buried with the only surviving photograph of the Big Joe in his coat pocket.

Accounts are only now coming to light as the old timers who survived the gulag's recount the story to their great grandchildren on cold Russian winter nights...they tell them, if you put your ear to the ground, you can still hear the whistle bellowing deep under the Earth...


Well there it is... Believe it, or ....whatever....

[Anonymous]

Keep sending me the jokes, and I will post the better ones. [;)]

Here are a few funnies. [:D]



Just to be different, a farmer in Holland decided to
plant wheat one year instead of tulips. While he was
planting his crop, he noticed water oozing from the
dam which kept his field from flooding.

Thinking it didn't amount to much, and that the water
might be needed by the wheat, he let the leak alone.

Many months later, when it was time to harvest his
crop, he awoke to find his house filled with rising
water. The trickle of water from the dam had become a
gusher, and his fields were completely flooded.

Luckily, the farmer was able to improvise a raft from
one of the doors and found a board to use as an oar.
He was able to escape just before the dam burst
completely and washed his house away.

The moral of the story: As ye seep, so shall ye row.




Daily Thoughts

"Husbands are awkward things to deal with; even
keeping them in hot water will not make them tender."
Mary Lorraine Buckley


When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that
the Fire Department uses water.


"Indecision is like a stepchild: if he does not wash
his hands, he is called dirty, if he does, he is
wasting water." African Proverb

[Kathi Kube]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

K K [:I] [:o)] [8)] [:X] [^] [:)] [:D]


I think you will get a "kick" out of these. [:)] [:D] [;)]

The teenage boys might not think they are too funny tho. [}:)]



SO YOU WANT TO DATE MY DAUGHTER


*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING* [Guys take note.]

You'd better believe it! Luckily for him, my daughter's boyfriend is a nice guy. He's also a guitarist and frequently shops at the music store where my husband teaches. The silly boy worships the ground my husband walks on, simply because he's a professional musician. It's a good thing.

Here's my Rule No. 12:

If you do anything at all that displeases my daughter in any way, know that I can take you out and you won't even see it coming.

My younger daughter's not allowed to date until she's 16, but she's taking Tae Kwon Do with me. She'll be able to handle herself just fine. [;)]

Kathi

[Anonymous]

Thursday Humor Paper . . . . . . [:D]


Arkansas Farm Humor [8D] [}:)] [:p] [;)]


An Arkansas farmer got in his pickup and drove to a
neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door.
A young boy about 12 opened the door. "Is yer paw
home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into
town."

"Well, said the farmer, is yer maw here?"

"No, sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town
with paw."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with maw and paw."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting
from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked
politely. "I knows where all the tools are, if you
want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message
fer paw."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really
wanted to talk to yer paw. It's about your brother
Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to
talk to Paw about that", he finally conceded.

"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for
the bull and $25 for the boar hog to mate, but I
really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

K K [:I] [:o)] [8)] [:X] [^] [:)] [:D]


I think you will get a "kick" out of these. [:)] [:D] [;)]

The teenage boys might not think they are too funny tho. [}:)]



SO YOU WANT TO DATE MY DAUGHTER


*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING* [Guys take note.]


Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking
anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything
below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands
off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys
of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that
they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't
take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose this
compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and
I will not object. However, in order to ensure that
your clothes do not, in fact come off during the
course of you date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can
kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am
the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get
to know each other, we should talk about sports,
politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter
safely back at my house, and the only word I need from
you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with
me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise,
once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished
with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do
not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the
movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer
than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
standing there, why don't you do something useful,
like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date
with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas,
or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where
there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to
wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka
-- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies
which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are
okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,
balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on
issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you
are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell
me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun. a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me
to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a
chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When
my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait
for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull
into the driveways you should exit the car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your
car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Rule 11: I too was once your age and therefore know of and have probably tried all of things that you are thinking about doing. Unless you you truly desire to experience first hand the life of a cra***est dummy, bani***hose thoughts you are harboring in your pea brain.

[Anonymous]

K K [:I] [:o)] [8)] [:X] [^] [:)] [:D]


I think you will get a "kick" out of these. [:)] [:D] [;)]

The teenage boys might not think they are too funny tho. [}:)]



SO YOU WANT TO DATE MY DAUGHTER


*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING* [Guys take note.]


Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
delivering a package, because you're sure not picking
anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may
glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything
below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands
off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys
of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that
they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't
take this as an insult, but you and all of your
friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair
and open minded about this issue, so I propose this
compromise: You may come to the door with your
underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and
I will not object. However, in order to ensure that
your clothes do not, in fact come off during the
course of you date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in
place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex
without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can
kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am
the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get
to know each other, we should talk about sports,
politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not
do this. The only information I require from you is an
indication of when you expect to have my daughter
safely back at my house, and the only word I need from
you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many
opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with
me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise,
once you have gone out with my little girl, you will
continue to date no one but her until she is finished
with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my
daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do
not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the
movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is
putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer
than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just
standing there, why don't you do something useful,
like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date
with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas,
or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where
there is darkness. Places where there is dancing,
holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient
temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to
wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka
-- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong
romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies
which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are
okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied,
balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on
issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing,
merciless God of your universe. If I ask you where you
are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell
me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the
truth. I have a shotgun. a shovel, and five acres
behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me
to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a
chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When
my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my
head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait
for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull
into the driveways you should exit the car with both
hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter home safely and early, then return to your
car -- there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[Anonymous]

Hump Day Helpers [:D] [;)] [:p]



Uncle Joe had to get a job. The city factory where he
had worked had gone out of business, so this time he
tried a local ranch. The rancher took pity on him and
decided to give him a chance.

"This," he said, showing my uncle a rope, "is a
lariat. We use it to catch cows."

"I see," said Uncle Joe, trying to seem knowledgeable
as he examined the riata, "And what do you use for
bait?"



Daily Thoughts

"Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with all
Microsoft products." Ferenc Mantfield

[espeefoamer]

[:p]Auto Acronyms part II.PONTIAC,Poor Old Nitwit Thinks It's A Caddilac.[8D]Chevrolet,Cheap Heap,Every Valve Rattles,Oil Leaks Every Time.[:p]

[Anonymous]

Hey mikey! How'd those Flyers do tonight?

tee hee hee

[zardoz]

vsmith--you're lucky number 777 on this post. Quick, get your lottery ticket.

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Automobile Acronyms - What They Really Mean


AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!

FORD
backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man`s Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One, Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing`s Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late
Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover
Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

Heres a couple more:

BMW = Break My Windows

GM = Garbage Makers

Izusu = no acronym, thats just the sound it makes when you try to start it...
Izusu-su-su-su-su-su-suu-suuu-suuuuu

[zardoz]

BTW-

The "Stupid Question" thread my have over 10,000 views, but here we're #1 with regards to posts!!!!

Way to go fellow humorians (I just made that up)!

[Anonymous]

Well, speaking of elevators, I accidently.. Ok well maybe accidently on purpose.. pu***he button with the Firemans hat on it, I wasn't quite sure what it did...

BUT I FOUND OUT!

Another one of Lifes mysteries solved!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

The following quiz is designed to measure the *** level of the public:

1. The most erotic experience a woman over 35 can have is:
a. having her knees rubbed with sour cream
b. simultaneously using the food processor, the blender, and the microwave
c. reading a sex quiz
d. shopping for shoes

2. When a businessman buys a red Mercedes, he is hoping to:
a. acquire a mistress
b. attract his neighbor's wife
c. preserve his youth
d. get a tax write-off

3. A marriage is in trouble when the husband brings home from the video
store:
a. Kitten with a Whip
b. Sex Slaves of New Haven
c. Emmanuelle II meets Rocky IV
d. The girl who works behind the counter

4. Condoms are not recommended for use:
a. before the 15th of the month
b. after the 15th of the month
c. immediately after sex
d. children under 10

5. Religious families generally have large families because:
a. they generally have more children
b. they just have natural rhythm
c. the Bible forbids television
d. they're just lucky

6. The Bible condemns homosexuals because:
a. they go to the theater a lot
b. they look too much like heterosexuals
c. they don't keep two sets of clothes
d. it's impossible to determine who should take out the garbage

7. After their 35th birthday, fewer than 10% of women ever achieve:
a. multiple orchids
b. a satisfactory weight-loss program
c. a job that pays as much as a man's
d. comfortable shoes

8. It is not uncommon for the average male to worry about the size of his:
a. bank account
b. piano
c. office
d. necktie

9. In addition to traditional methods, AIDS can also be transmitted by:
a. petting goldfish
b. handling chicken fat
c. kissing the family dog
d. bloody bar room brawls

10. Conception has been known to occur in:
a. the ovarian tubes
b. eustachian tubes
c. the Goodyear tube station
d. back seat of a Camaro

11. "Time of the month" refers to:
a. ovulation
b. undulation
c. a new moon
d. the weekend of AFC vs NFC championship

12. Testosterone is a kind of:
a. Italian ice cream
b. testimony given in an Italian court
c. umpire in an Italian cricket match
d. Italian chicken fat

13. An erogenous zone is an area where:
a. women tend to fall asleep
b. women tend to develop sudden headaches
c. men tend to laugh before the punchline
d. it is forbidden to park your rogenous

14. At least 50% of males suffer from premature:
a. emasculation
b. matriculation
c. baldness
d. laughter before the punchline

15. Judeo-Christian tradition frowns on:
a. premarital sex
b. post-marital sex
c. the opposite sex
d. sex

16. The average frequency of sexual relations is:
a. 78.8 megahertz
b. 92.3 kilohertz
c. 98.4 oyithertz
d. depends on how often your wife works late

17. Which is not considered erotic vocabulary:
a. doo-doo
b. thingamajig
c. doggie-woggie
d. ***-cat?

18. In your personal experience, sex is:
a. overrated but undersupplied
b. oversupplied but not overpriced
c. over there but not over here
d. over

LOL that was So good, I had to print it.!

[Anonymous]

The next edition of the Humor Thread Paper is here . . . . . . [;)] [:p] [:)]


A funny thing happened to me the other night. Here are the details.


Saturday nite, about 9:00 pm, I was driving down a
dimly lit street in one of the more seemy parts of . . .
well I better not say.


..All of a sudden, out of the darkness appeared a
scantily dressed young woman, waving at me. I
naturally assumed that she was in some sort of need
and distress, so I pulled over, rolled down the window
and asked if I could help.

She told me that she was okay, just wanted some money.
I told her that I wasn't in the habit of giving people
money for doin' nothing. She replied that she would do
anything for $50.00. I asked her if doing several
things was the same price. She said that that would be
another $25.00. I said that was just fine with me and
told her to get in the car.

I took her home and had her..... wash both cars, clean
out the gutters, seed and fertilize the lawn, wa***he
windows, caulk and paint my storage shed and reseal
the driveway.

Think I just might go back to the same area when I
need some more chores done, better than putting an ad
in the paper. [:D] [:D] [:D]

[zardoz]

The following quiz is designed to measure the *** level of the public:

1. The most erotic experience a woman over 35 can have is:
a. having her knees rubbed with sour cream
b. simultaneously using the food processor, the blender, and the microwave
c. reading a sex quiz
d. shopping for shoes

2. When a businessman buys a red Mercedes, he is hoping to:
a. acquire a mistress
b. attract his neighbor's wife
c. preserve his youth
d. get a tax write-off

3. A marriage is in trouble when the husband brings home from the video
store:
a. Kitten with a Whip
b. Sex Slaves of New Haven
c. Emmanuelle II meets Rocky IV
d. The girl who works behind the counter

4. Condoms are not recommended for use:
a. before the 15th of the month
b. after the 15th of the month
c. immediately after sex
d. children under 10

5. Religious families generally have large families because:
a. they generally have more children
b. they just have natural rhythm
c. the Bible forbids television
d. they're just lucky

6. The Bible condemns homosexuals because:
a. they go to the theater a lot
b. they look too much like heterosexuals
c. they don't keep two sets of clothes
d. it's impossible to determine who should take out the garbage

7. After their 35th birthday, fewer than 10% of women ever achieve:
a. multiple orchids
b. a satisfactory weight-loss program
c. a job that pays as much as a man's
d. comfortable shoes

8. It is not uncommon for the average male to worry about the size of his:
a. bank account
b. piano
c. office
d. necktie

9. In addition to traditional methods, AIDS can also be transmitted by:
a. petting goldfish
b. handling chicken fat
c. kissing the family dog
d. bloody bar room brawls

10. Conception has been known to occur in:
a. the ovarian tubes
b. eustachian tubes
c. the Goodyear tube station
d. back seat of a Camaro

11. "Time of the month" refers to:
a. ovulation
b. undulation
c. a new moon
d. the weekend of AFC vs NFC championship

12. Testosterone is a kind of:
a. Italian ice cream
b. testimony given in an Italian court
c. umpire in an Italian cricket match
d. Italian chicken fat

13. An erogenous zone is an area where:
a. women tend to fall asleep
b. women tend to develop sudden headaches
c. men tend to laugh before the punchline
d. it is forbidden to park your rogenous

14. At least 50% of males suffer from premature:
a. emasculation
b. matriculation
c. baldness
d. laughter before the punchline

15. Judeo-Christian tradition frowns on:
a. premarital sex
b. post-marital sex
c. the opposite sex
d. sex

16. The average frequency of sexual relations is:
a. 78.8 megahertz
b. 92.3 kilohertz
c. 98.4 oyithertz
d. depends on how often your wife works late

17. Which is not considered erotic vocabulary:
a. doo-doo
b. thingamajig
c. doggie-woggie
d. ***-cat?

18. In your personal experience, sex is:
a. overrated but undersupplied
b. oversupplied but not overpriced
c. over there but not over here
d. over

[zardoz]

Family Stress Test


Score 0 if the statement is never true, 1 if it is rarely true, 2 if it
is sometimes true, and 3 if it is always true.

1. ____ Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we
can talk".

2. ____ The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

3. ____ The cat is on Valium.

4. ____ People have trouble understanding your kids, because they
learned to speak through clenched teeth.

5. ____ You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaf.

6. ____ The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the
number of people in the family.

7. ____ No one has _time_ to wait for microwave TV dinners.

8. ____ "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement
officials.

9. ____ You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take
out the trash.

10.____ Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

Scoring:
30 - a perfect score. Welcome to the neighborhood!
20-29 - You are doing reasonably well, but still have too little
going on in your life. Crank it up.
10-19 - You have mastered some of the aspects of the stress-filled
life, but still have a long way to go. Have you considered
a parallel career path?
0-9 - Enjoying all that extra time? What do you _do_ anyway?

[Kathi Kube]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

*snip*

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Oh, man. I have SO got to try these!![(-D][(-D][(-D]

Mark? Bergie? How 'bout lunch? [swg] Let's take ... the elevator...[:-^][(-D][(-D]

Kathi

[Kathi Kube]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes


Have you ever wondered about . . . . . . .

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer?

Yes, I have!

QUOTE:


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio
out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

I definitely used to wonder about that not too many years ago.

QUOTE:


If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Eauwwwwww!!!! [xx(][xx(]

QUOTE:


Does pushing the elevator button more than once make
it arrive faster?

No, it definitely does not. Trust me. I keep trying to make it work that way at least twice everyday and it hasn't obeyed me yet. But I can tell it's getting weak. I will prevail...!

[;)]

Kathi

[zardoz]

Words To Live By


Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism

He who hesitates is probably right

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with

No one is listening until you make a mistake

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view

The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach

Two wrongs are only the beginning

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive

The problem with the gene pool is that there are no lifeguards

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines

A fool and his money are soon partying

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it

If you think no one cares about you, try missing a couple of payments

How many believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse. It will be a great trade

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Everybody repeat after me, "We are all individuals."

Death to fanatics!

Guests who kill talk show hosts - on the last Geraldo

Love may be blind, but marriage is an eye opener

Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back

Beware of geeks bearing gifts

Half the people you know are below average

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot

and finally....

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely is not for you