Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

Automobile Acronyms - What They Really Mean


AUDI
Accelerates Under Demonic Influence
Always Unsafe Designs Implemented

BMW
Beautiful Mechanical Wonder
Big Money Works
Bought My Wife
Brutal Money Waster

BUICK
Big Ugly Indestructable Car Killer

CHEVROLET
Can Hear Every Valve Rap On Long Extended Trips
Cheap, Hardly Efficient, Virtually Runs On Luck Every Time

DODGE
Darn Old Dirty Gas Eater
Drips Oil, Drops Grease Everywhere

FIAT
Failure in Italian Automotive Technology
Fix It All the Time
Fix it again, Tony!

FORD
backwards --> Driver Returns On Foot
First On Recall Day
First On Rust and Deterioration
Fix Or Repair Daily
Found On Road, Dead
Fault Of R&D
Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GM
General Maintenance

GMC
Garage Man`s Companion
Got A Mechanic Coming?

HONDA
Had One, Never Did Again
Happy Owners Never Drive Anything else

HYUNDAI
Hope You Understand Nothing`s Driveable And Inexpensive...

MAZDA
Most Always Zipping Dangerously Along

OLDSMOBILE
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Make Others Behind Infuriatingly Late
Everyday.
Overpriced, Leisurely Driven Sedan Made Of Buick`s Irregular Leftover
Equipment

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown.

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

[zardoz]

Fun Things To Do In An Elevator


Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering:
"Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

Whistle the first seven notes of "It`s a Small World" incessantly.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask:
"Got enough air in there?"

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours
upside-down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open,
then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm
handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open
until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the
bottom.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:
"I`ve got new socks on!"

Meow occasionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You`re one of
THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

Say "Ding!" at each floor.

Say "I wonder what all these do" and pu***he red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers that this is your "personal space."

Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

[rrnut282]

Well if we're going to answer the unanswerable questions, I'll bite on the end of the rainbow one. the answer is there is no pot of gold at the end because there is no end to a rainbow. When viewed from the side in the air, a rainbow is a circle. It just looks like an arch from the ground because the horizon blocks our view of the bottom half.

[Mikeygaw]

[quote

B I N G O [:D] [;)] [:)]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

QUOTE: Originally posted by Modelcar

....How far can you go into the woods....

Q [:D]

Since no one has attempted to answer your question I will. [:)]

You can only go half way into the woods.

Now I am going to stop there and give someone else a chance to finish it. Let's see how long it takes given that info. [}:)] [;)]

After you go halfway INTO the woods, you're working on going halfway OUT of the woods.

B I N G O [:D] [;)] [:)]

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

QUOTE: Originally posted by Modelcar

....How far can you go into the woods....

Q [:D]

Since no one has attempted to answer your question I will. [:)]

You can only go half way into the woods.

Now I am going to stop there and give someone else a chance to finish it. Let's see how long it takes given that info. [}:)] [;)]

After you go halfway INTO the woods, you're working on going halfway OUT of the woods.

[Anonymous]

I finally read that joke about Alaska on page 31. Funny[(-D][(-D]
But some part of it is true also. If you live in small town, the nearest neighbor can be 50 miles away, nearest hospital hundreds or even thousands away, and you might have to fly to Anchorage for your shopping, because food cost 3 or 4 times more near you. That is life in 49th state.

[Anonymous]

Vic [8D]


lol lol lol [;)] [:D]

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

The Sunday Funnies [:D] [;)] [^]



The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their
ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They
had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for
their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine
author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that
great-uncle George, who was executed in the
electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George
occupied a chair of applied electronics at an
important government institution, was attached to his
position by the strongest of ties, and his death came
as a great shock."

Who's been showing you the family tree???

[Anonymous]

If you have a joke or short story that you would like to see posted but don't want to post it yourself you are welcome to send it to me. Some already have. I will give you credit if you want me to, or keep it a secret between us. [}:)]

I only ask that whatever it is not violate the forum's standards of conduct and good taste. I like humor, but we must be civil about it. [:)]

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Modelcar

....How far can you go into the woods....

Q [:D]

Since no one has attempted to answer your question I will. [:)]

You can only go half way into the woods.

Now I am going to stop there and give someone else a chance to finish it. Let's see how long it takes given that info. [}:)] [;)]

[JoeKoh]

grandma trying to get matt to stop jumping on a jogging trampoline after she showed it to him.wheres the video camera?
stay safe
joe

[Anonymous]

The Sunday Funnies [:D] [;)] [^]



The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their
ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They
had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for
their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine
author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that
great-uncle George, who was executed in the
electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said "Great-uncle George
occupied a chair of applied electronics at an
important government institution, was attached to his
position by the strongest of ties, and his death came
as a great shock."

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by cherokee woman

Can anyone ever reach the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

Congrats on the new star [8D]

Number 2 Star just around the corner. [:)]

[Anonymous]

I did once, and it wound up to be fools gold.

Hey Cherokee woman, call me observant, call it obvious, But you just Earned your first star! Congradulations!

[cherokee woman]

Can anyone ever reach the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

[Modelcar]

....How far can you go into the woods....and how long is a piece of string....and yes, the freezer does have a light.

[Anonymous]

True dat, true dat.

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman




How does the snowplow driver get to work?

Why silly, he takes the train. [;)]

[Anonymous]

Why do people park in a Driveway and Drive on a parkway?


How does the snowplow driver get to work?

[Anonymous]

Time for . . . . . Saturday's Silly Season [:D]


Have you ever wondered about . . . . . . .

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I
think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and
drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken
there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta
it's bum."

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that
could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no
decent human being would eat?

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the
freezer?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a
song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the car pool
lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio
out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the
time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where
the bathroom is?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all
fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

If Wile E. Coyote from the Road Runner had enough
money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just
buy dinner?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is
made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality
come from morons?

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a
mouse?

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little
Star have the same tune?

Stop singing and read on . . .

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet
Soup?

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make
it arrive faster?

[JoeKoh]

Mcdonalds?forget the clown Matt wants the fries.
stay safe
Joe

[Kathi Kube]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes



Whyyyyyyy Kathiiiiiiii,

I don't have an accenttttttttttttttt. [;)]

Just ask John (Railpac, Jim T or some others), surely they will tell you I don'ttttttttttttttttttt. [:D] [;)]

Um, yeah. OK. go with thayyyyyyy-aaat thought.

And, as I think someone guessed, that line was from McDonald's.

[{(-_-)}] "Grab a bucket and mop,...blah, blah, blah, blah something or other...
[:-^]You deserve a break today, so get up and get away to McDonald's!" [dinner]

Y'all er nuts, ann ah luv ye te bits.

Kathi[:P]

[Anonymous]

LOL That was a good one, tee hee hee!

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

This is so bad I hesitate to post it! But my girlfriend didn't hesitate to send it to me!

Cardiologist's Funeral:

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry! I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist!"

At that point, the proctologist fainted!

So, If you were a fireman on a steam engine, would they roll you into the firebox at a roundhouse side memerial? Just a thought...

[CShaveRR]

Gee--they'd have to roll me down the hill into a 4-mph collision with other coffins going to the same place!

[JoeKoh]

OUch!!!!!
good one mookie
stay safe
Joe

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

This is so bad I hesitate to post it! But my girlfriend didn't hesitate to send it to me!

Cardiologist's Funeral:

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry! I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist!"

At that point, the proctologist fainted!

Mookie - good one. [:D]

[Mookie]

This is so bad I hesitate to post it! But my girlfriend didn't hesitate to send it to me!

Cardiologist's Funeral:

A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.

A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service. Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.

At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry! I was just thinking of my own funeral. I'm a gynecologist!"

At that point, the proctologist fainted!

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

Time for the . . . . Finally Friday edition of the paper . . . . [:D] [;)] [:o)]


Since I desire to see the sun rise today, today's humor is dedicated to NOONE, but everyone is allowed to read it and laugh. [:p]



An old lady came into her doctor's office and
confessed to an embarrassing problem: "I pass gas all
the time, Doctor Johnson, but it's soundless, and
without odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've
passed gas no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Barker. Take these pills
three times a day for seven days and come back and see
me in a week."

The next week, an upset Mrs. Barker marched into Dr.
Johnson's office: "Doc, I don't know what was in those
pills, but the problem is worse! I'm passing gas just
as much, and they're still soundless, but now
they smell terrible! What do you have to say for
yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Barker," said the doctor soothingly.
"Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your
hearing."

That was a good one. I sent that one off to my friends!!