Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

A Microsoft Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To [e-mail] -
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.

[Anonymous]

Mortal: What is a million years like to you?

God: Like one second.

Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you?

God: Like one penny.

Mortal: Can I have a penny?

God: Just a second...

[Anonymous]

Young Charlie is having trouble with his first grade addition homework, so his father decides to help. He teaches the Charlie how to add small numbers by counting on his fingers. Eventually, the little boy becomes quite good. "But remember," the father says, "you can't use your fingers in school -- you'll have to do it in your head."

The next day at school, the teacher calls on Charlie and asks him "what is five plus five?" Charlie starts to raise his hands, but remembering what his father said, hides them in his pockets. After a few seconds of counting, Charlie announces "Eleven!"

[CNW 6000]

Hijacked from Fuzzy's forum oops, 3um:

(Original Poster Unknown)

How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

11 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

4 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

5 more to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs. 

6 to flame the spell checkers. 

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

Six to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb"

5 to cite their experience in the lighting industry and give the correct spelling.

4 to post that this group is not about light bulbs; please take this dim discussion to a lightbulb/light bulb forum.

9 to defend the post: "We all use light bulbs; therefore the posts are relevant to this group."

7 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best & what brands are faulty.

1 to post URLs where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

http://www.fuzzyworld3.com/3um/viewtopic.php?t=1348&start=15
http://www.lampsplus.com/htmls/track.asp

http://www.fuzzyworld3.com/3um/viewtopic.php?t=1348&start=16
http://www.louielighting.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lighting
http://www.fuzzyworld3.com/3um/viewtopic.php?t=1311&start=10

http://www.electricskies.com.au/
http://www.fuzzyworld3.com/3um/viewtopic.php?t=1192&start=13

1 to note some URLs were fuzzy; re-cycling said enlightened URLs saved energy. 

3 to post links to URLs that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

2 to ask about the inherent "GE lamps in an EMD Loco" controversy.

4 to suggest "Try a #$&^*^$ Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs!" 

3 to relate a funny story about their short cat and a light bulb.

1 company photographer posting a photo of a randy squirrel doing unnatural things to a lightbulb. 

5 to vote for said squirrel as ENLIGHTENER of the week!

AND

One group newbie to unearth to the thread 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[snagletooth]

Now, is there a word for people who have the patientce to figure these things out????

Yeah, BORING!!!

[Semper Vaporo]

Yes, but that kind of language is not welcome in public forum.

 

[JSGreen]

Now, is there a word for people who have the patientce to figure these things out????

[Anonymous]

The longest common (i.e., likely to appear in an unabridged dictionary) word:
pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis

Words which contain all five (or six, if you append "ly") vowels in alphabetical order:
"facetious", "abstemious", "annelidous", "arsenious".

Words which contain all five vowels in reverse alphabetical order:
"duoliteral", "subcontinental", "uncomplimentary".

Words which contain the longest strings of consonants:"bergschrund", "borschts", "eschscholtzia", "latchstring", "weltschmerz".

Longest word with no repeated letters: "uncopyrightable".

Sentence containing seven spellings of the [i] ("ee") sound:
"He believed Caesar could see people seizing the seas."

Longest words typeable on a qwerty keyboard with left hand: "desegregated", "desegregates", "reverberated", "reverberates", "stewardesses", "watercresses", "aftereffects", "decerebrated", "decerebrates", "extravastate", "gazetteerage", "reasseverate", "terracewards", and "tessaradecad", "aftercataract", "devertebrated", and "tesseradecade".

Longest word typeable on a qwerty keyboard with right hand: "homophony", "homophyly", "nonillion", "pollinium", "polyonomy", "polyphony", "hypophyllium", "miminypiminy", "phyllophyllin".

Longest words typeable on a qwerty keyboard with alternating hands: "dismantlement", "antiendowment", "antisudorific", "autotoxicosis", "neurotoxicity".

And now for one which will be of the most use:
Word describing the shape of the bubbles in beer foam: "orthotetrachidecahedrons".

[spokyone]

A farmer got pulled over by a State Trooper
for speeding.  The trooper started to lecture
the farmer about his
speeding, and in general
began to throw his weight around to try to make the
farmer feel uncomfortable.
 
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the
ticket. As h e was doing
that, he kept swatting at some flies that were
buzzing around his head.
 
The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle
flies there, are ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said,
"Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
 
So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common
on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always
found circling around the back end of a horse."
 
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the
ticket. After a minute, he stops and says, "Are you trying to call
me a horse's ***?"
 
The farmer says, "Oh no, of ficer. I have too much
respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about
calling you a horse's< /SPAN> ***."

 

The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing,"
and goes back to writing the ticket.
 
After a long pause, the farmer says,

"Hard to fool them flies though."

[CNW 6000]

Friends:

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil
Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood!
Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs,
But he's hidin' it there."
   
"Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next
day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's House.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
   
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood,
but find no marijuana.
   
They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly afterward, the phone
rings at Virgil's house.
   
"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff
come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep!"

"Happy Birthday, buddy!"


(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

[CNW 6000]

We're off to see The Wizard!

 

Presidents Carter, Nixon, Bush Jr., and Clinton get caught up in a tornado
and are whirled to the land of OZ.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and go to find the Great Wizard

He asked "What brings the four of you before the great Wizard of Oz?"

Jimmy Carter stepped forward timidly:

"I've come for some courage."

"No Problem!" said the Wizard, "Who's next?"

Richard Nixon stepped forward, and said: "Well, I think I need a heart."

"Done!" said the Wizard.

"Who comes next before the Great and Powerful Oz?"

Up stepped Bush and said,

"The American people say that I need a brain."

"No problem!" said the Wizard, "Consider it done."

Then there is a great silence in the hall.
Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around,
but he doesn't say a word.
Irritated, the Wizard finally asks,

"Well, what do YOU want?"

"Is Dorothy here?"

 

[morseman]

further to my previous post

The longest word in the english language with only one vowel is   STRENGTH

The only word in the english language that uses all vowels in their proper order is

FACETIOUSLY.

 

[morseman]

the word typewriter can be written with only the top line of your keyboard

[ChuckCobleigh]

Are you serious?  G is the last letter- doG.  They're all there.  If you're pulling our legs, I don't get it.

  I didn't get it either.  Then I realized it was a humor thread!  It made as much sense as some of the recent barn-burner threads.

Kind of like the old grammer school joke about the little boy asked to recite the alphabet before he could go to the bathroom, who replied, "A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O-Q-R-S-T-U-V-W-X-Y-Z." 

The teacher's question about where the missing letter was led to his reply, "Running down my leg, teacher."

[CNW 6000]

My nephew in Dallas rear ended a car at a traffic light. As he got out to look at the damages, he saw the other driver was a midget. The guy looked at his damaged car and said, " I'm not happy" My nephew said, " If you're not happy, then which one are you?"
   That's when the other driver kicked him in the shin.

[spokyone]

My nephew in Dallas rear ended a car at a traffic light. As he got out to look at the damages, he saw the other driver was a midget. The guy looked at his damaged car and said, " I'm not happy" My nephew said, " If you're not happy, then which one are you?"
   That's when the other driver kicked him in the shin.

[Murphy Siding]

Are you serious?  G is the last letter- doG.  They're all there.  If you're pulling our legs, I don't get it.

  I didn't get it either.  Then I realized it was a humor thread!  It made as much sense as some of the recent barn-burner threads.

[rrnut282]

Uh, E and H are in THE (first word).  F is for FOX.  Look again, they're in there.  I remember using this sentence (or something similar) in my high-school typing class.

[blhanel]

Are you serious?  G is the last letter- doG.  They're all there.  If you're pulling our legs, I don't get it.

[espeefoamer]

No G either.

[CNW 6000]

The second letter in the word over.  No E, F, or H tho...

[StillGrande]

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog." uses every letter of the alphabet.

Where is the "v"?

[blhanel]

A little levity, courtesy of some MIT students...

http://people.csail.mit.edu/rahimi/helmet/

Props to da Milwaukee beerNut for posting on fuzzybroken's forum!

 

[Anonymous]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.


Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment: "Legs."


Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."


Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."


Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong......

[nscaler711]

well i dont have AAADD But i have ADD and to tell you the truth it jus plain SUCKS!

that stuff always happens to me. like today

i meant to take out the trash.....i forgot

I meant to fix my bike...i got stuck chatting online (which reminds me....what do i need to do hmmm.....well ill figure it out later )

and now i dont even remember what i was suposed to do later today.  

[CNW 6000]

DO YOU HAVE AAADD?   I was diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.   I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.   I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.   So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.   But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.   I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.   I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.   I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.   I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.   I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.   So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.   At the end of the day: -the driveway is flooded, -the garden is parched, -the car isn't washed, -the bills aren't paid, -there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, -there is still only one check in my check book, -I can't find the remote, -I can't find my glasses, -and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.   Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.   I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

[CNW 6000]

Norwegian Fire Department

One dark night outside a small town in Wisconsin, a fire started inside the
local chemical plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.  The
alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company
president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are
in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give
$50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments
had to be called in as the situation became desperate.  As the firemen
arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the
fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.


From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck
came
into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire
company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these
Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the
plant.....and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and
began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norsk old timers had extinguished the fire and
saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a
superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to
personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norsk fire fighters.


The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on  film
asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing ve do
is fix da brakes on dat durn truck!"

[nscaler711]

this stuff is Hilarious!!! i hope you guys dont mind but im going to send some of the jokes made here to some friends of mine.

[zardoz]

Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."

Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

[zardoz]

This is the story of four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was asked to do it. Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it. Somebody got angry about that, because it was Everybody's job. Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it. Consequently, it wound up that Nobody told Anybody, so Everybody blamed Somebody.