Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Blue Flamer]

A good old Canadian joke.

 

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

 

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they had never spoken before, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load".

 

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again  and continues down the street.

 

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up and knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down his window again. Again she says, "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!".

 

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of his truck and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says...

 

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Calgary and I'm driving the    SALT TRUCK!"

 

 

Blue Flamer.

[Blue Flamer]

A Harp Seal walks  into a bar in St Johns Nfld.

Bartender   "what`ll you have"?

Harp Seal  "Anything but a Canadian Club".

 

I`ll go to my room now. :-) 

Now that's funny. But you may have to be a Canuck to get it.

Blue Flamer. 

[CNW 6000]

That's just...wow...

[vsmith]

Insert your own joke.

[CShaveRR]

True story, from my cousin:

Her daughter is pregnant with their second grandchild.  Son-in-law, known for having a wacky sense of humor, is also a doctor.  They had an ultrasound done on the fetus.  Son-in-low points out the umbilical cord, and says, "WOW! That's my boy--look at the size of that thing!"

The ultrasound technician, who's probably heard this a hundred times before, coldly remarks that that is in fact the umbilical cord, and that it's too early to conclusively determine the gender anyway.

Whereupon cousin's daughter says, "I know it's a girl--I could see the brain!"

[CNW 6000]

Life Explained

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 
"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who
comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty
years."  
 
The dog said:
"That's a long time to be barking. How about only
ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"  
 
So God agreed. 
 
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:  
"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this,
I'll give you a twenty-year life span."  
 
The monkey said:
"Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a
pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog
did?"  
 
And God agreed. 
 
On the third day, God created the cow and said:  
"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and
suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's
family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."  
 
The cow said:
"That's kind of a tough life you want me to live
for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'" 
 
And God agreed again. 
 
On the fourth day, God created humans and said:
"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll
give you twenty years."  
 
But the human said:
"Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"  
 
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."  
 
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play
and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to
support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to
entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the
front porch and bark at everyone. 
 
Life has now been explained to you.

[Clutch Cargo]

A Harp Seal walks  into a bar in St Johns Nfld.

Bartender   "what`ll you have"?

Harp Seal  "Anything but a Canadian Club".

 

I`ll go to my room now. :-) 

[zardoz]

Top Ten Reasons You Know You Just Bid In The Wrong Yard Job

10. The Yardmaster radios your Foreman telling him to be sure and pull the Rips, the Foreman replies: "Only if you come down here and pull my finger first!"

9. The Foreman and the Engineer are both from Alabama, after work they invite you to come on up for a little "Snipe Hunting."

8. The Engineer is wearing a "Talledega 500" T-shirt and muttering to himself, "No brake, only RUN 8."

7. You beg the Yardmaster to let you spot the Slaughter House, because the smell on the pit helps masks your Foreman's cologne.

6. The Yardmaster on duty used to be a clerk.

5. The Foreman on the job is actually a 'Planner' that just got bumped.

4. You just learned that the Foreman and Engineer have loaded up with over $5,000 worth of job insurance and they announce: "It's time for some Kamikaze Switching!"

3. Your helper shows up for work with an umbrella instead of a rain suit.

2. Your Engineer insists on loosening his suspenders, taking off his shoes, and eating a whole fried chicken before moving the locomotive.

1. Your boots have been on the railroad longer than the new Trainmaster.

 

[zardoz]

Q. In what kind of railroad car would you expect to find:

1. A rabbit
2. Othello
3. A deflated tire
4. An armored vehicle
5. Marijuana
6. A broker
7. Vince Lombardi
8. A chiropractor
9. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolf, and Olive

A. Answers

1. Hopper car
2. Gondola
3. Flat car
4. Tank car
5. Reefer
6. Stock car
7. Coach
8. Spine car
9. Tende(e)r

 

[zardoz]

Two small-town men were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference for work.
     There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, both men staggered outside. One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.
     When the first guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs. "Where ya been?" he asked.
     "I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

[zardoz]

Q: How many railfans does it take to change a lightbulb ?

A: Three. One to change it, one to write its number down, and one to take pictures.

[zardoz]

Up in the Ozarks, there was a mountaineer that was reputed to have the best hunting dog ever by the name of Conductor. Three city folks went up in the mountains and wanted to rent him.
     
"Good hunting dog, gonna cost ya $50.00 a day." They agreed, and three days later came back with the limit.

The next year they came back. "Conductor got better, gonna cost ya $75.00 a day," said the mountaineer. Again they agreed, and two days later came back with the limit.
     
The third year they came back and told the mountaineer they had to have Conductor, even it cost $100.00 a day.
     
"You can have the worthless mutt for $5.00 a day, and I'm overcharging you $4.00."
     
"But we don't understand, what happened to him?" asked the group. "Well, a crew from that there Dallas come up and rented him. One of those idiots called him Engineer, and since then he's just been sittin' on his rear end barkin' ever since!!!"

[zardoz]

Scientists were shocked to find what is believed to be the first known female railfan. "This destroys every theory we've had about the species," said one anthropologist. The woman, a swimsuit model and avid train watcher, was found lurking around Amtrak's Beach Cove maintenance shops with a camera and notepad. One witness heard her quoting from The Diesel Spotter's Guide.

     Anthropologists having discovered a living female railfan, apparently the first ever, Cherry Allen, 21. She was at first suspected of being a clever fake. Extensive clinical testing proved her to be an actual genetic female and a timetable-carrying member of the railfan community. Ms. Allen was able to answer a series of complex questions concerning the motive power roster of the Pennsylvania Railroad prior to 1950.

She is also tall, slender and very attractive. When not out railfanning or working as a swimsuit model, Ms. Allen enjoys watching sports on TV and building super-detailed O Scale locomotives. In a recent interview, this blue-eyed blond from the sunny beaches of Las Vegas confessed she is "still looking for that special someone." Who is her ideal man? "Well," she said, "A guy who loves spending afternoons lounging in the hot tub and reading old issues of Trains magazine."

     The discovery has stunned many. One man expressed surprise, commenting, "This means I have a chance at finding a girlfriend who won't make fun of me and my trains. An admittedly pretty small chance, but still..."

[zardoz]

A man is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming.
     He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking!"
     Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND swearing!"
     Still nothing... and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one last time, "God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, swearing, and smoking too!!!"
     Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed! He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said... "Thanks anyway God, I got it myself."

[arkansasrailfan]

MNA- May nothing arrive

EMD-Eternal Mechanical Difficulties

EOCK-End Of Caboose Killer

[Lord Atmo]

-                    what  do  you  call  10  republicans tied  to  the  botom  of  the  ocean  -  A  GOOD  START

fixed

[dmoore74]

The Cat

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party.

> We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered

> our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

> 

>We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived

>and we opened the front door to leave the house.

> 

>The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't

>want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

> 

>My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The

>cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife

>doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the

>night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

> 

>"He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

> 

>A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I

>said, as we drove away. "That stupid female dog was hiding under the bed. I

>had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to

>take off, so I grabbed her by the neck.  Then, I had to wrap her in a

>blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat

>*** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

> 

>The cab driver hit a parked car!

[vsmith]

OT/NT Just for fun, perhaps the greatest short film ever made.

The Crimson Permanent Assurance, sailing the high seas of international finance!

Perhaps the best parody of classic pirate movies ever filmed...

part 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KX61PUZ3xkI
part 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iakR7sB0skw

In two parts for lenth

Terry Gilliam made this as part of "Meaning of Life", one can see Gilliams truely twisted sense of reality in this film. I cannot help but laugh almost uncontrollably whenever I see it. 

Look in the film for Micheal Palin and Terry Gilliam as window washers as well as Max Headroom's Matt Frewer (sp?) as an executive.

[dmoore74]

Blonde Joke 

A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep,husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. Blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

[Anonymous]

talking  about  northerners.                              -                    what  do  you  call  10  democrats  tied  to  the  botom  of  the  ocean  -  A  GOOD  START

[spokyone]

One morning, three Southerners and three Yankees were in a ticket counter line at a train station. The three Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the three Southerners bought just one ticket.  "How are the three of  you going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the Yankees. 

"Watch and learn," answered one of the boys from the South.  All six boarded the train where the three Yankees sat down, but the three Southerners crammed into a toilet together and closed the door. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets. He knocked on the toilet door and said,  "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. 

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.   Indeed, so clever they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.  That afternoon when they got back to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip and watched, while to their astonishment, the three Southerners didn't buy even one ticket.   "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees.  "Watch and learn," answered the three Southern boys in unison. 

When they boarded the train, the three Northerners crammed themselves into a toilet and the three Southerners crammed into another toilet just down the way.  Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their toilet and walked over to the toilet in which the Yankees were hiding.  The Southerner knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please." 

There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war.

[zardoz]

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man:

"Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?"

So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man.

"Are you stupid or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't, so I want my money back!"

While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him:

Man 1: "Look at this guy! He is mad!"

Man 2: "Yeah! He's almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim."

[zardoz]

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" she yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The woman sees the same conductor walk again.

She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow?"

[nscaler711]

on the UPS truck it says upos which pos stands for piece of s***

it was an odd lil joke but i dont know if you understand it now.... 

[Railfan1]

  How did you get my list?

[Railway Man]

I've been doing that already!

RWM 

[cherokee woman]

Have you broken your last New Year's Resolutions?
Well, here's a rather crazy list that you can keep.

1. Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.

2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.

3. Read less. Makes you think.

4. Watch more TV. You've been missing some good stuff.

5. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.

6. Stop bringing lunch from home: Eat out more.

7. Get in a whole NEW rut!

8. Spend your summer vacation in Cyberspace.

9. Don't eat cloned meat.

10. Create loose ends.

11. Get more toys.

12. Get further in debt.

13. Don't believe politicians.

14. Break at least one traffic law.

15. Avoid airplanes that spontaneously drop 1000 feet.

16. Don't swim with piranhas or sharks.

17. Associate with even worse business clients.

18. Spread out priorities beyond ability to keep track of them.

19. Wait around for opportunity.

20. Focus on the faults of others.

21. Mope about faults.

22. Never make New Year's resolutions again.


Thank you for inviting MountainWings in your mailbox.
See you tomorrow.

[CNW 6000]

Is this what UPS thinks of us theyre customers?
or is it what we think of them?

[nscaler711]

Is this what UPS thinks of us theyre customers?
or is it what we think of them?

 

 

 

 

[locomutt]

Total Control

A guy named Bob is travelling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to him.

He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very long time heavily criticizing the president, the war, corruption, unemployment, etc.

So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep, tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely punished.

This didn't have any effect on those guys, moreover they just laughed at Bob, and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the government.

Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train conductor.

Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly 3:00 a.m.

He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that talkative guys could hear him:

"If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are speaking too loudly about some political issues and won't let me sleep."

The guys continue talking.

Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob the water and some sleeping pills.

The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to fall asleep...

When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found.

Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that there shouldn't have been any stops at night).

The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and arrested those guys.

Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not arrested.

The conductor answers that he doesn't have a clue but one of the guys in black suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob's joke about the water and pills.