Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Texas Chief]

How does a body go about printing some of these posts? Some of these are real works of art.

Dick

Texas Chief

[fifedog]

Thanks for your humorous posts, Mr DOZ.  I enjoy them with my coffee.

[zardoz]

100,000 !!!!

[zardoz]

As I write this, this thread has 99,946 views.  Who's going to be the lucky 100,000 viewer?  I wonder if the thread will get a gold star or something. 

Well, I gotta go now and re-view this thread another 53 times tonite.

I know this wasn't my funniest post, but I just felt that I had to point this out.

[zardoz]

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

7. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

8. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

16. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

17. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

18. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

19. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

20. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

21. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

22. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

23. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

24. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk bout other people.

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have a "S" in it?

30. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

[tree68]

Isn't that the French national anthem?

 

 

 

 

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

I like to refer to mayonnaise as "Chairman Mao" because it is a communist invention! And the person who invented it SHOULD have been on board the Titanic.

[locomutt]

Happy May 5th!

 

 

Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo. WHAT!!!!  You expected something educational?

[spokyone]

This thread was 10 pages back. My sister sent me this after her Amtrak episode last night.

Once upon a time...

 

One day, long, long ago...there lived a woman who did NOT

     Whine,  female dog, or Nag.

 

But this was a long time ago...

                                               and it was just that one day.

The End

[blhanel]

Yep, that's what I thought...

[al-in-chgo]

It was signed, "God Almighty, S.J." 

I've got a suspicion of what that means, but I'm not sure- explanation for us Protestants, please?

Sorry. "S.J." means Society of Jesus, more commonly called Jesuits.  - al

 

[Murphy Siding]

It was signed, "God Almighty, S.J." 

I've got a suspicion of what that means, but I'm not sure- explanation for us Protestants, please?

Um....and us Catholics as well?

[blhanel]

It was signed, "God Almighty, S.J." 

I've got a suspicion of what that means, but I'm not sure- explanation for us Protestants, please?

[al-in-chgo]

A Dominican monk and a Franciscan monk got to arguing about which order God liked better.  Said one to the other, "We're getting nowhere arguing about the subject.  We're spiritual men; let's pray individually for guidance and awakening."

So they each went down on their knees and prayed. 

After a few minutes one said to the other, "Anything come to you?" 

"No, oh well," came the answer and both monks got to their feet. 

Just then a little slip of paper fell down from the heavens. 

It contained a short note:  "My dear children of faith, I love you both equally."

It was signed, "God Almighty, S.J." 

 

[dmoore74]

A NONPARTISAN JOKE THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES! NOT ONLY
THAT, it is POLITICALLY CORRECT!! ... and so timely!

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter . 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'

'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.

'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'

'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.

'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

'Now it's time to visit heaven.'

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 ho urs have gone by and St. Peter returns.

'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'

The senator reflects for a minute, then answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'

The devil looks at him, smiles and says.......

'Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted.'

[zardoz]

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. 

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" 

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

[zardoz]

A man comes into a bar with a pet alligator on a leash. He asks the bartender "Do you serve lawyers? The bartender quickly answers "Of course Sir, we serve everyone". The man then responds "Fine, then I'll have a draft and a lawyer for the gator".

[zardoz]

Father Norton woke up one beautiful Sunday morning and decided that it was a perfect day for golf, so he told the Pastor he was sick and asked him to say mass for him. The Pastor agreed and just as mass was beginning, Father Norton snuck off to the golf course, where he had the whole course to himself because all of his parishioners were in church.

While this was happening, St. Peter and God were looking down from heaven. St. Peter said, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you? Playing golf while everyone else is in church?" God said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit his first tee shot. It was an incredible drive that landed right on the green, took 2 bounces and 'plunk' - landed right in the hole. A 420 yard hole-in-one!

St. Peter was astonished. He turned to God and said, "Why did you let him do that?" God smiled and said, "Who's he gonna tell?!"

[zardoz]

And for those of us who are sick of the man-bashing jokes, it's her turn now:

Women think they already know everything, but wait...training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before

2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits

3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits

4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game

5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His

7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First.

8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking

9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging

10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire

11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up

12. Introduction to Parking

13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space

14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat

15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter

16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption

17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People

18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully

19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His

20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To

21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have

22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice

23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together

24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both

25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

[zardoz]

THE TOP 27 THINGS YOU WISH YOU COULD SAY AT WORK

1.  I can see your point, but I still think you're full of BS.
2.  I have plenty of talent and vision.  I just don't give a hoot.
3.  How about "never"?  Is "never" good for you? 
4.  It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
5.  I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
6.  Ahhh, I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
7.  You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
8.  I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
9.  The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
10.  Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
11.  I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12.  I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
13.  Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
14.  I like you.  You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
15.  What am I?  Flypaper for freaks!?
16.  I'm not being rude.  You're just insignificant.
17.  Thank you.  We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
18.  It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
19.  Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
20.  No, my powers can only be used for good.
21.  I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
22.  You sound reasonable......time to up my medication.
23.  I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
24.  I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
25.  I don't work here.  I'm a consultant.
26.  Who me?  I just wander from room to room.
27.  My toys!  My toys!  I can't do this job without my toys!

And now Useful Expressions for those HIGH STRESS days
1.  Well, aren't we just a ray of bloody sunshine?
2.  Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3.  Do I look like a freakin' people person?
4.  This isn't an office.  It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
6.  I pretend to work.  They pretend to pay me.
7.  You!  Off my planet!!
8.  Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
9.  I like cats too.  Let's exchange recipes.
10.  Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
11.  And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be...?
12.  How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
13.  Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego ?
14.  How do I set a laser printer to stun?
15.  I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
16.  When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.
17.  Earth is full, Go home.

[zardoz]

What Women Want in a Man, Original List (Age 22)
1.   Handsome
2.   Charming
3.   Financially successful
4.   A caring listener
5.   Witty
6.   In good shape
7.   Dresses with style
8.   Appreciates finer things
9.   Full of thoughtful surprises

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (Age 32)
1.   Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2.   Opens car doors, holds chairs
3.   Has enough money for a nice dinner
4.   Listens more than talks
5.   Laughs at my jokes
6.   Carries bags of groceries with ease
7.   Owns at least one tie
8.   Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9.   Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (Age 42)
1.   Not too ugly (bald head okay)
2.   Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3.   Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4.   Nods head when I'm talking
5.   Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6.   Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7.   Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8.   Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9.   Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (Age 52)
1.   Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2.   Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3.   Doesn't borrow money too often
4.   Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5.   Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6.   Is in good enough shape to get off the couch on weekends
7.  Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8.   Appreciates a good TV dinner
9.   Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (Age 62)
1.   Doesn't scare small children
2.   Remembers where the bathroom is
3.   Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4.   Only snores lightly when asleep
5.   Remembers why he's laughing
6.   Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7.   Usually wears some clothes
8.   Likes soft foods
9.   Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What Women Want in a Man, Revised List (Age 72)
1.   Breathing
2.   Doesn't miss the toilet

[zardoz]

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.  Later that morning, he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:  "I'm the Boss!"  He then attached it to his office door. 

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

[tree68]

Outsourcing the President

I love it!  Although it will likely annoy many, some (at least one) of us got quite the chuckle out of it.

I know some folks I should definitely not send it to....

Oh, go ahead and send it if only for the irritation factor.

Nah - I value their friendship, even if I don't like their politics.

[dmoore74]

Outsourcing the President

I love it!  Although it will likely annoy many, some (at least one) of us got quite the chuckle out of it.

I know some folks I should definitely not send it to....

Oh, go ahead and send it if only for the irritation factor.

[tree68]

Outsourcing the President

I love it!  Although it will likely annoy many, some (at least one) of us got quite the chuckle out of it.

I know some folks I should definitely not send it to....

[MStLfan]

Smart Ahmed

Old Mustafa has been living in New York for 40 years. He wants to plant potatoes in his garden but he is old and alone and his son lives in Irak. He writes an email to his son: 'Dear Ahmed. I am very sad because I can not plant potatoes in my garden. I know for sure that you would have helped me turn the sods if you were here. I love you. Your father.' The son immediately emails back: 'Dear father. Please don't touch anything in the garden! I have hidden "the stuff" there. Love you too. Ahmed.' Not even 2 hours later Homeland Security, the US Army, the Marines, FBI and CIA are in front of the house. They turn every square inch of the garden upside down but find nothing. Disappointed they go home. The same evening the old man gets an email from his son: 'Dear father. Most probably your garden has now been completely dug up and you can plant your potatoes. That's all I could do for you from this distance. I love you. Ahmed.'

greetings,

Marc Immeker

[zardoz]

Outsourcing the President

I love it!  Although it will likely annoy many, some (at least one) of us got quite the chuckle out of it.

[dmoore74]

Outsourcing the President

Washington, DC -- Congress today announced that the office of President

of the United States of America will be outsourced to India as of March

28, 2008 .

The move is being made in order to save the President's $500,000 yearly

salary, and also a record $521 billion in deficit expenditures and

related overhead that his office has incurred during the last 7 years.

It is anticipated that $231 billion can be saved to the end of the

President's term.

'We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge,'

stated Congressman Thomas Reynolds (R-WA).

'We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level

of cash outlay,' Reynolds noted. Mr. Bush was informed by e-mail this

morning of his termination.

Preparations for the job move have been underway for some time.

Gurvinder Singh of Indus Tel eservices, Mumbai , India will assume the

office of President as of March 21, 2008 . Mr. Singh was born in the

United States while his Indian parents were vacationing at Niagara

Falls, NY, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a

salary of $320 (USD) a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job

responsibilities without a support staff.

Due to the time difference between the US and India , he will be working

primarily at night.

'Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer

call center,' stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. 'I am excited

about this position. I always hoped I would be President. '

A Congressional spokesperson noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully

aware of all the issues involved in the office of President, this should

not be a problem as President Bush had never been familiar with the

issues either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond

effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he

can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying

issue at all. 'We know these scripting tools work,' stated the

spokesperson.

'President Bush has used them successfully for years, with the result

that some people actually thought he knew what he was talking about.'

Bush will receive health coverage, expenses, and salary until his final

day of employment. Following a two-week waiting period, he will be

eligible for $140 a week unemployment for 26 weeks. Unfortunately he

will not be eligible for Medicaid, as his unemployment benefits will

exceed the allowed limit.

Mr. Bush has been provided with the outplacement services of Manpower,

Inc. to help him write a resume and prepare for his upcoming job

transition. According to Manpower, Mr. Bush may have difficulties in

securing a new position due to a lack of any successful work experience

during his lifetime. A greeter position at Wal-Mart was suggested.

[zardoz]

Subject: A cowboy named Bubba

 A cowboy named Bubba was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, Will you give me a calf?"  
    
Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, " Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
 
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.  
   
Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
 
"You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.
    
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"  
  
"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about what you are getting involved in.

This is a herd of sheep......now give me back my dog.

[CNW 6000]

Not sure if this was on here or not...but it's good! 

7 Degrees of Blonde

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife answered, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead.
Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!! "
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead and ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman.