Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[passengerfan]

THE GOOD HUSBAND

 Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of wateron the side table.. And next to them, a single red rose!! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him and that its all cleaned and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in in lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian'.

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His 16 year old son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, 'Son... what happened last night?'

"Well you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So why is everything in such perfect order and and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??'.

His son replies, "Oh THAT... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, leave me alone, I'm married!!'.

Broken Coffee Table $239.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time;

PRICELESS

[passengerfan]

A few minutes before church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly Satan appeared at the front off the church

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in the pew without moving seemingly unaware of the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the elderly man and said, 'do you know who I am'?

The man replied "Yep,sure do.'

"Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope sure ain't.' said the man.'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute.' returned the old man in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

"Yep,' was the calm reply.

"And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

"Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed. Satan asked, Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

 

 

[arkansasrailfan]

HOW TO TELL AN IDIOT HE IS AN IDIOT

1."Go look in the mirror and you will see him."

2.Tape his stupid actions and post them on youtube

3.Or you can go, "Dee dee dee!"

 

[CShaveRR]

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...


Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license, please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you, but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers, please?

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags
in the trunk, if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs
away to his car and calls for backup. Within minutes, five police cars
circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his
half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle, please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem, sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you
have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you open the trunk of the car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but the empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a
clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you, ma'am, one of my officers
told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you
murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too!

Moral:
Don't Mess With Old Ladies!   

[arkansasrailfan]

Dictionary definition of a railfan-
Railfan(noun)-(rale-fhan)1.a person who likes trains and knows much about them
2.a person who like trains and knows much about them but really doesn't, and gives railfans a bad name

[zardoz]

Made Where?

John started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA.....

[zardoz]

Ticket Training

Three Southerners and three Yankees are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three Yankees each buy a train ticket and watch as the three Southerners buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks a Yankee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Southerners.

They all board the train. The Yankees take their respective seats but all three Southerners cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.

The conductor takes it and moves on.

The Yankees see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Yankees decide to copy the Southerners on the return trip and save some money (being tight with money, and all that).

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Southerners don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asks one perplexed Yankee.

"Watch and you'll see," answers a Southerner.

When they board the train, the three Yankees cram into a restroom and the three Southerners cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the Southerners leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Yankees are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please..."

 

[zardoz]

A professional juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.

"What are you doing with these matches and lighter fluid in your car?" asks the police officer.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah? Let's see you do it," says the officer.

So the juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches
masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his
wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

[zardoz]

Dogs and cats are better than children because they:

Eat less.

Usually come when called.

Are easier to train.

Don't ask for money all the time.

Don't drink or smoke.

Don't hang out with friends who use drugs.

Never ask to drive the car.

Don't have to have the latest fashions.

Don't want to wear your clothes.

Don't need a gazillion dollars for college.

If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.

[zardoz]

Rene Descartes sits down for a meal at a Parisian restaurant. The waiter asks for his order and he orders a hamburger.

The waiter asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

Descartes says, "I think not," and instantly disappears.

==================================================================

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"How much for the beer?" the neutron asks the bartender.

"For you?" replies the bartender,"no charge."

==================================================================

A hydrogen atom is walking down the street with a friend when he suddenly stops.

The friend says, "What's wrong?"

The hydrogen atom replys, "I lost my electron!"

The friend says, "Are you sure?"

The hydrogen atom exclaims, "Yes, I'm positive."

The friend laments, "Oh, I thought you were just being negative again."

[zardoz]

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[zardoz]

A couple in their nineties were having trouble remembering things so they went to their doctor for checkups. The doctor told them that they were both physically fine and advised them to write things down to help them remember.

Later that evening while watching television, the husband got up from his chair to go to the kitchen for a snack. He asked his wife if she wanted anything.

"Could you bring me a bowl of ice cream?" she asked.

"Sure," he replied.

"Do you think you should write that down to remember it?" she asked.

"No, I can remember that," he said.

"I'd like some strawberries on it, too. Do you need to write that down?" she said.

"No, I can remember that, too. Ice cream with strawberries," he said, becoming a little irritated.

"I'd like some whipped cream on it, too. Can you remember all that? The doctor said you should write things down," she said.

"For goodness sakes, I can remember that. I don't need to write it down. A bowl of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream," he said, now more than a little irritated.

Off he went to the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he returned with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife stared at it for a moment and said, "Where's my toast?"

[zardoz]

Perks Of Being Over The Hill

• There is nothing left anymore to learn the hard way.   
  
  
• Things that you buy now won't wear out.
  
  
• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
  
  
• You no longer think of the speed limit as a challenge.
  
  
• Your investment in health insurance is finally paying off.
  
  
• You can quit trying to hold in your stomach no matter who walks into the room.
  
  
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them anyway.
  
  
• You can sing along with elevator music.
  
  
• Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the guy on the television.
  
  
• Your eyes won't get too much worse.
  
  
• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  
  
• People call you at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you???? "
  
  
• You can get into a heated argument about pension plans.
  
  
• You can eat dinner at 4:00 in the afternoon.
  
  
• In a hostage situation you are the most likely to be released first.
  
  
• No one expects you to run -- anywhere. You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.
  
  
• You are no longer viewed as a hypochondriac.

[zardoz]

Differences Between Man and Women

Names

If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.

Eating Out

When the bill arrives, John, Brad, Tony and Daniel will each throw in $20, even though the total is only $34.25. None of them will have any smaller bills and none will admit they want change back.

When Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money

A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.

Bathrooms man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, razor, shaving cream, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Motel 6.

The average number of items in a woman's bathroom is 328. The average man would not be able to identify most of them.

Arguments

Women always have the last word in an argument. Anything a man adds after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Future

A woman worries about the future -- until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future -- until he gets a wife.

Success

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.

A successful woman is one who can find that a man.

Marriage

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Dressing Up

A woman will dress up when she goes shopping, empties the garbage, answers the phone, waters the plants, gets the mail and reads a book.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural

Men wake up looking as good as when they went to bed.

Women will somehow deteriorate during the night.

Children

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about their best friends, romances, secret hopes and dreams, favorite foods, fears and dental appointments.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Thought for the Day

Married men should forget their mistakes. There is no need for two people to remember the same thing.

[ArtOfRuin]

My little sister told me this one a while ago. It's still one of my favorites. 

An immigrant who knew no English came to the United States. He was eager to learn the language, so he figures if he visits different places around town, he will pick up the language easily.

He first walks into a music school ,where he learns to sing, "Mimimimimimi!"

The immigrant next walks into a restaurant, where he learns to say, "Forks and knives, forks and knives!"

He finally walks into a candy store, where he learns to say,  "Goody, goody, gumdrops!"

As the immigrant walked to the next store, he came across a freshly mutilated dead body. A police officer arrived on the scene and even this grizzly old veteran was shocked.He said, "Of all my years on the force, I've never seen any murder as bad as this!" He then turned to the immigrant standing nearby and asked, "Who could have done something like this?"

The immigrant had no idea what he was saying, but he wanted to show off his newfound English skills to the nice officer. So he sang "Mimimimimimi!"

The officer was horrified. "How could you do such a thing?!"

"Forks and knives, forks and knives."

"That's it! I'm placing you under arrest!"

"Goody, goody, gumdrops!"

[CNW 6000]

For those on here who may not like to exercise...I present to you:

A WEEK AT THE GYM
(One woman's story)

Dear Diary,

For my 50^th birthday my husband purchased a week of personal training at the local gym for me.  Although I am still in great shape since playing on my college tennis team 30 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservation with a personal trainer named Joe.  He's a 26 year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swimwear.  My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The gym encourages clients to keep a diary to chart how well we're progressing.  This will be great!

MONDAY
Started my day at 6:00 AM.  Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the gym to find Joe waiting for me.  He's something of a Greek god-blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling smile.

Woo Hoo!

Joe gave me a tour and showed me the machines.  He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill and was alarmed that it was so fast already.  I attributed it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit.  I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he led his aerobics class after my session with him today.  Very inspiring!  Joey was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already hurting from holding it the whole time when he was around.  This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!

TUESDAY
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.  Joe made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air...then he put weights on it!  My legs were a bit wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.  Joey's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.  I feel GREAT!

It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.  I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.  Driving was ok as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.  I parked on top of a Geo in the parking lot.  Joe was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other people working out in the gym. 

His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is very annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Joe put me on the stair monster.  Why the hell would anyone invent a machine that simulates an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Joe told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.  He said some other "motivational" crap too.

THURSDAY
Joe was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.  I couldn't help being half an hour late!  It took me that long to tie my shoes.

Joe took me to work out with dumbbells.  When he wasn't looking I ran and hid in the bathroom.  He sent Muffy to find me.  Then, as punishment he put me on the rowing machine, which I sank.

FRIDAY
I hate that jerk, Joe, more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.  Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader!  If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.  Joe wanted me to work on my triceps.  I don't have any triceps!  Also, if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the stupid barbells or anything heavier than a sandwich.  The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.  Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY
Joe left me a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today.  Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner.  However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY
I'm having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.  I will also pray that next year my husband chooses a gift that's more fun...like a root canal!

[zardoz]

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing.

St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green.

Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It's in the hole.

Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. "Are you gonna play golf?" he asks "Or are you just gonna fool around?"

[dmoore74]

>>                          A Bikers Story
>>
>>
>>
>> A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little
>> girl leaning into
>> the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the
>> cuff of her jacket
>> and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under
>> the eyes of her
>> screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs
>> to the cage and
>> hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful
>> punch. Whimpering from
>> the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl,
>> and the biker
>> brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him
>> endlessly.
>>
>>
>> A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing
>> the biker, says,
>> " Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw
>> a man do in my
>> whole life. "
>>
>>
>> "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind
>> bars. I just saw this
>> little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right. "
>>
>>
>> "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a
>> journalist, you
>> know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the
>> first page. What
>> motorcycle do you ride?
>>
>>
>> "A Harley Davidson."
>>
>>
>> The journalist leaves.   The following morning the
>> biker buys the paper
>> to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and
>> reads, on first
>> page:
>>
>>
>> BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND
>> STEALS HIS LUNCH.
>>
>>

[arkansasrailfan]

... the husband (who is something of a wise guy) exclaimed "But doctor, he doesn't have a talleywhacker!... "

 

 

what is that? I really laugh at that humor.
More pet humor from the internet.
If you want someone who will eat whatever
You put in front of him and never says its
Not quite as good as his mother made it
If you want someone always willing to go
Out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want
Then buy a dog.
If you want someone who will never
Touch the remote, doesn't care about
Football, and can sit next to you as
You watch romantic movies
Then buy a dog.
If you want someone who is content
To get up on your bed just to warm
Your feet and whom you can push off
If he snores .
Then buy a dog
If you want someone who never
Criticizes what you do, doesn't
Care if you are pretty or ugly, fat
Or thin, young or old, who acts as
If every word you say is especi ally
Worthy of listening to, and loves
You unconditionally, perpetually
Then buy a dog
But, on the other hand, if you want
Someone who will never come when
You call, ignores you totally when
You come home, leaves hair all over
The place, walks all over you, runs
Around all night and only comes home
To eat and sleep, and acts as if your
Entire existence is solely to ensure
His happiness
Then buy a cat!

[ChuckCobleigh]

A true story from a number of years ago.  Names changed because I don't remember who they were.  West coast, though.

Two rival colleges (Podunk and State) had a football game coming up.  Several State students travel to Podunk U, and in the guise of reporters, interview the director of the card section - the place where they hold up cards to make designs and stuff.  The director proudly tells them about it, and even shows them some of the materials for the upcoming big game - instruction sheets, etc, for the students who will hold the cards.

That evening the "reporters" return to the office and purloin the file with the instructions.  Working feverishly, they revise the sheets and have the files back in place by the next morning.

On the day of the big game the director of the card section calls for the first display - a big Podunk "P".  The crowd erupts when an "S" appears instead.  Frustrated and confused, the director calls for the next pattern instead, a representation of Podunk's proud Prairie Dog.  The State crowd cheers as their lion mascot appears. 

Hoping for the best, the director calls for one more try - this time "GO DOGS."  Instead, "GO LIONS" appears.  The card section collapses in disarray, not to be heard from again during the game...

 

 I seem to remember Cal Poly at San Luis Opbispo was the guilty party...dont recall who the victum was.  

Actually, the perps were Cal Tech students and the venue was the 1961 Rose Bowl.  

The story is told on the Cal Tech web site.  Basically, they swapped the instruction sheets in the University of Washington card sections so that the Washington Huskie morphed into a beaver and the finale spelled out "CAL TECH" in block letters.

Nothing like bright kids with nothing better to do over Christmas break. 

[lonewoof]

True story -- related by a lady I used to work with:

When she was pregnant, they had an ultrasound test done, so they knew the baby was a girl. The husband was in the delivery room; when the baby came out, the husband (who is something of a wise guy) exclaimed "But doctor, he doesn't have a talleywhacker!" The doctor had apparently heard this kind of humor before, and immediately responded "No, but if you wait about 18 years, that will be a good place to put one!"

 

 

[JSGreen]

A true story from a number of years ago.  Names changed because I don't remember who they were.  West coast, though.

Two rival colleges (Podunk and State) had a football game coming up.  Several State students travel to Podunk U, and in the guise of reporters, interview the director of the card section - the place where they hold up cards to make designs and stuff.  The director proudly tells them about it, and even shows them some of the materials for the upcoming big game - instruction sheets, etc, for the students who will hold the cards.

That evening the "reporters" return to the office and purloin the file with the instructions.  Working feverishly, they revise the sheets and have the files back in place by the next morning.

On the day of the big game the director of the card section calls for the first display - a big Podunk "P".  The crowd erupts when an "S" appears instead.  Frustrated and confused, the director calls for the next pattern instead, a representation of Podunk's proud Prairie Dog.  The State crowd cheers as their lion mascot appears. 

Hoping for the best, the director calls for one more try - this time "GO DOGS."  Instead, "GO LIONS" appears.  The card section collapses in disarray, not to be heard from again during the game...

 

 I seem to remember Cal Poly at San Luis Opbispo was the guilty party...dont recall who the victum was.  

[tree68]

A true story from a number of years ago.  Names changed because I don't remember who they were.  West coast, though.

Two rival colleges (Podunk and State) had a football game coming up.  Several State students travel to Podunk U, and in the guise of reporters, interview the director of the card section - the place where they hold up cards to make designs and stuff.  The director proudly tells them about it, and even shows them some of the materials for the upcoming big game - instruction sheets, etc, for the students who will hold the cards.

That evening the "reporters" return to the office and purloin the file with the instructions.  Working feverishly, they revise the sheets and have the files back in place by the next morning.

On the day of the big game the director of the card section calls for the first display - a big Podunk "P".  The crowd erupts when an "S" appears instead.  Frustrated and confused, the director calls for the next pattern instead, a representation of Podunk's proud Prairie Dog.  The State crowd cheers as their lion mascot appears. 

Hoping for the best, the director calls for one more try - this time "GO DOGS."  Instead, "GO LIONS" appears.  The card section collapses in disarray, not to be heard from again during the game...

 

[vsmith]

Thomas the Tank Engine meets The Young Ones 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fd_2xz-lEdE

These vids are just plain twisted, soundtrack is from "The Young Ones" but video is from "Thomas"

Check out the other vids as well, these are hilarious!  8)

[tree68]

I think it was Dick Van *** who did a routine about cats and dogs.  I don't have it in my collection, and can't remember the whole thing, but a couple of highlights:

Dogs - When caught misbehaving and punished, spend the next several days contritely sidling around the edges of rooms, with an "I'm sorry, I won't do it again" look.

Cats - When caught on the table after Thanksgiving dinner, getting into the turkey, grab a couple more quick bites and flee just before you get to the table to swat them.

[arkansasrailfan]

A little quote from Mythbusters, Hindenburg mystery. "next on Discovery: the worlds deadliest pinata, which refers to the superdope, hydrogen filled blimp they had, plus two others, one like the real one, and one with out hydrogen. of course, they all burned up .
A little pet diary humor (not created by me- I DIDNT MAKE IT)
DOG DIARY:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite th ing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on t he bed! My favorite thing!

CAT DIARY:

Day 983 of my captivity. My captors continue to taunt me with
Bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat,
while
The other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I
nevertheless
Must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The on ly thing
that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today
I decapitated a mouse and
dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike
fear
into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable
of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a
'good little hunter' I am. Morons!(edit cuss word-replace with other word)
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I
Was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event.
However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that
my
confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn
what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving
around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again to morrow --
but
at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and
snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -
And seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

[zardoz]

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. 
You'll want to be the first at your corporation to make a 
contribution to this great man's legacy.

[dmoore74]

The George W. Bush Presidential Library

The George W Bush Presidential Library is now in the planning stages. 
You'll want to be the first at your corporation to make a 
contribution to this great man's legacy.

The Library will include:

The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.

The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you can't remember anything.

The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't have to even show up.

The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.

The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.

The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room (which no one has been able to 
find).

The Iraq War Room. After you complete your first tour, they make you 
to go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.

The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete 
with shooting gallery.

Plans also include: The K-Street Project Gift Shop - where you can 
buy (or just steal) an election

The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite 
Republican Senators.

Last, but not least, there will be an entire floor devoted to a 7/8 
scale model of the President's ego.

To highlight the President's accomplishments, the museum will have an 
electron microscope to help you locate them.

When asked, President Bush said that he didn't care so much about the 
individual exhibits as long as his museum was better than his father's.

[arkansasrailfan]

A blonde, a redhead, and burnette are stuck in heaven. An angel says,"jump off the bridge and wish to be something so you can live."

the readhead jumps and says"owl"

the brunette jumps and says"fish"

but the blonde jumps and forgets to wish and says"Oh crap!"

GE-general evil

ALco-Alco lost and conkered out.

EMD-eternal mechanical difficulty

Illinois Central and Union Pacific- IC&UP

[morseman]

In Edmonton, Alberta, Canada  last week there was a terrific snow storm and visibility was very poor.    This was the third day of the storm,    The mother had run out of formula and only a few diapers on hand.      She phoned her husband who was out of town.    "Don't worry, get in the car and soon as a snow plow passes by just follow it".     Sure enough, half an hour later she was following a snow plow through the blinding storm,     Half an hour later, still following the plow.      The truck stopped and the snowplow driver got out and asked, "Why are you following me?"     Well the lady replied,   "My husband said if the driving was bad I was to follow a snowplow.     "Well, thats ok then," he said "I've just finished clearing the Home Depot parking lot, and now I'm off to clear Clairridge University lot,  Then off to clear Montrose Hospital lot & you're welcome to follow me."