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Would you believe..... (a little humor) Locked

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Posted by arkansasrailfan on Friday, August 29, 2008 3:14 PM
oh oops i forgot they merged. As steve Martin would say, "weeeellll excusssseeee meeee!!!!!"

From his live version of King Tut, get on itunes
EDIT: NEW JOKES.

How to reporting marks in southern. (from one, but I don't think I say it quite like this)
UP-yoo pae
CN-say an
CSX-say es ex
BNSF-bae an es af
NS-an es
CP-say pae

Once there was a guy that had the worst car in the world that even the desperate man didn't want it.

Question: What is the longest running gag in a movie?(Hint, transporation, from the 70's comedy, and no it is not Silver Steak!!!!!)
And the answer is on Monday or Tuesday
-Michael It's baaaacccckkkk!!!!!! www.youtube.com/user/wyomingrailfan
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Posted by traisessive1 on Friday, August 29, 2008 3:05 PM

 wyomingrailfan wrote:
What would the reporting marks of UP and IC be if they merged?

Answer('scuse me): ICUP(no translation needed)

What if CN, IC, and DTI merged, but the TI was IT?

ICNDIT(I can do it)

 

Since the CN, IC and DTI are all one ... it seems that they CAN'T do it haha.

10000 feet and no dynamics? Today is going to be a good day ... 

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Posted by CANADIANPACIFIC2816 on Thursday, August 28, 2008 7:25 PM

In my neck of the woods, the Dakotas and Minnesota, we are in the habit of telling stories about Norwegians.

Ole and Lars had gone fishing and the two of them were sitting in the boat when Lars felt an urge to light up and smoke a cigarrette. He asked Ole if he had a lighter or a book of matches on hand and Ole reaches into his tackle box and he pulls out this huge Bic lighter, the thing is a foot long!

Lars says to Ole, yesus, Ole, where da heck did ya get that huge Bic lighter? I've never seen a monster like dat before!!

Ole responds by saying, I've got a genie in my tool box. Go ahead and rub my tool box's lid and maybe he vil come out and grant you a vish.

Lars rubs the lid of Ole's tool box and "POOF", a genie appeared from out of nowhere. The genie says to Lars, "I will grant you one wish, so wish for anything you want." Lars goes "Oh boy!!" "Genie, I vish for a million bucks!" The genie says to him, you've got it, your wish is my command!" And in an instant the sky above Lars and Ole is blackened with hundreds of thousands of mallard ducks.

Lars looks at Ole with a disgusted look on his face and says, "Hey Ole, I tink your stupid genie is a little hard of hearing!" Ole's response was, "Vell Yeah, how do you tink I got dis foot long Bic?!"

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

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Posted by arkansasrailfan on Thursday, August 28, 2008 5:52 PM
What would the reporting marks of UP and IC be if they merged?

Answer('scuse me): ICUP(no translation needed)

What if CN, IC, and DTI merged, but the TI was IT?

ICNDIT(I can do it)
-Michael It's baaaacccckkkk!!!!!! www.youtube.com/user/wyomingrailfan
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Posted by tree68 on Tuesday, August 26, 2008 7:19 AM

Good Ole Boys go ice fishing

Billy and Tommy were two good ole boys who just loved to fish. One day, they were sitting on the couch together, whittling and letting the shavings fall off the front porch, when they overheard someone walking down the street talking about "Ahs Fishin up in Canader". Well, they didn't know what an "Ahs fish" looked like, but they were willing to try anything once, so they asked how they could get to this "Canader". Well this "city fella" told them it was "up north" several hundred miles.

Next thing you know, Billy and Tommy are in the truck on their way to "Canader". After they crossed the border, and saw the sign saying "Entering Canada" they stopped at the first bait shop they could find. They asked for directions to the closest place they could do that there "Ahs fishin", and got directions. Then they got some beer (naturally). Then they asked if there was anything special they needed for "ahs fishin". The shop owner informed them they would need an ice pick, so they got one.

About two hours later, Tommy was back at the shop and said, "We're gone need anudder ten o'dem ahs picks." Well, the fellow in the shop wanted to ask some questions, but he didn't. He sold him the picks, and the old boy left.

In about an hour, he was back, saying "We're gone need all th'ahs picks y'all got."

This really made the shop owner curious. "By the way," he asked, "how are you fellows doing?"

"Not sa good," he said. "We ain't even got the boat in the water yet."

LarryWhistling
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Posted by spokyone on Monday, August 25, 2008 9:12 PM
The late Foster Brooks said he went ice fishing. He caught 100 pounds. When he tried to fry it, he almost drowned.
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Posted by vsmith on Monday, August 25, 2008 5:39 PM
 dmoore74 wrote:


John McCain replied, 'Rick, you're not going to believe this, but

he's cutting holes in the ice!'

Laugh [(-D]Whadaheck is a Arizonion gonta know aboot Icefishin dontcha know!Laugh [(-D]

   Have fun with your trains

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Posted by gardendance on Sunday, August 24, 2008 12:00 AM
 Texas Chief wrote:

 trainfan1221 wrote:
 blhanel wrote:
You can move your cursor over the text to be copied while holding down the select button, which highlights the text.  Then, press Ctrl-C to copy it.  Open up a text editor such as Windows Notepad or Microsoft Word, and press Ctrl-V.  Voila!
Hey that was funny!  Oh, wait.. that wasn't a joke?  Sorry.

On the contrary, it may have been a joke since it didn't work for me.

Dick

Texas Chief

did you ever get it to work? It's standard Microsoft Windows procedure. Fill us in on what happened, since "it didn't work" could cover a whole lot of scenarios.

Also one variation is instead of "move your coursor over the text while holding down the select button", press Ctrl-A, which will highlight All text in the window. Then back to the instructions: Ctrl-C to copy, open a text editor such as notepad, Ctrl-V to paste. That will probably paste more than you want, but then you can just edit the notepad to throw away the extra stuff. I find that's usually easier than trying to move the cursor and hold down the mouse button at the same time to fine tune the original selection, especially if I wanted most of the page in the first place.

Patrick Boylan

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Posted by dmoore74 on Saturday, August 23, 2008 4:29 PM

Fishing contest


The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the

Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough

votes to win.. There was much talk about ballot recounting,

court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition

seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate

that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the

election.

Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing

contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.

After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that

the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern

Minnesota

There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be

sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M.

with their catch for counting and verification by a team of

neutral parties. At the end of the first day, Obama

returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.

Soon, John McCain  returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he

was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and

hopefully, he would catch up the next day.

At the end of the 2nd day Obama came in with 20 fish and 

McCain came in again with none.

That evening, Rick Davis got together secretly with John McCain and

said, 'John, I think Obama is a low-life, cheatin'

son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even

bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just how he is

cheating.'

The next night (after Obama returns with 50 fish), Rick

said to John McCain, 'Well, tell me, how is Obama. cheating?' 

John McCain replied, 'Rick, you're not going to believe this, but

he's cutting holes in the ice!'

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Posted by CNW 6000 on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 4:07 PM
Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.   So when Bubba's 21st birthday came a round, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.   Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. 'Grandma,' he asked, 'it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my pappy, his father, and his father before him?'   Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, 'Because your father,  your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake is frozen, and you were born in July, you frickin' idiot.'

Dan

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Posted by spokyone on Wednesday, August 13, 2008 7:56 AM
A young woman joined 3 guys at the club for a round of golf. At the 15th hole, her ball was on the fringe at the bottom of a two tiered green. As she was lining up with her putter, one of the guys said, "If you make this one, I'll buy you lunch." She said, "If I make this putt, I'll go to lunch with you, and spend the afternoon doing whatever you would like." The guy walks over and picks up her ball and says, " That's a gimme if I ever saw one."
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Posted by dmoore74 on Tuesday, August 12, 2008 8:07 PM
> The Power of Beer
>
>  
> A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor
> comes in and informs
> the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs.
> The son is just a
> head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as
> he can, with love
> and compassion.
>

> After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first
> drink.  Dad takes
> him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him
> and orders up the
> biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the  bar
> patrons looking on
> curiously and the bartender shaking his  head in disbelief,
> the boy takes
> his first sip of alcohol.
>  
>
> Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent;
> then bursts into
> whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to  drink
> again. The
> patrons chant 'Take another drink!'


> The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay.
> Swoooosh! Plip!  Plop!!
> Two arms pop out.
>
>  
> The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his
> son  to drink
> again. The patrons chant, 'Take another drink! Take
> another drink!!' The
> bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to
> polishing glasses,
> shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing
> scenes.

>  
> By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he
> reaches down,
> grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!!
> Two legs pop out.
> The bar is in chaos.

>  
> The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The
> boy stands up on
> his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the
> right through the
> front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him
> and kills him
> instantly The bar falls silent.


> The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says,
>
> *

> *

> *
>
> *
>
>
> (Wait for it)
>
> *

> *

> *

> *

> (It's coming)
>
> *

> *

> *
>
> *

> (Ya ready?)
>
> *

> *

> *

> *

> (Don't hate me)
>
> *

> *

> *

> *
>
>  (Ya gonna hate me)
>
> *

> *
>
> *
>
> *
>
>
> (Take a deep breath)
>
> *

> *

> *

> *
>
>
> 'He should've quit while he was a head!'

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Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, August 5, 2008 1:27 PM
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror 
as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the
next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands 
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll
around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began 
to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist
and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his
hands at his groin.
At her insistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently 
took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants
and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments 
and asked, "How does that feel"?
He replied: "It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken!"
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A little Butler humor
Posted by da Milwaukee beerNut on Friday, July 11, 2008 11:42 AM

The butler did it on the on the air (25 25) with a microphone:

Anybody hear me out there? If you can - nod loudly. (yardmaster @ 20:38 7/10 - Butler Wi USA)

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Posted by Anonymous on Thursday, July 10, 2008 10:17 PM
 locomutt wrote:

 

3 men - 3 wishes

 

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an ALABAMA GENTLEMAN are all
working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the
Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to
be forever fertile in Canada .'

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile
for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine ,
Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our
precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around
those countries.

The Alabama Gentleman says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this
wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo f eet thick and
completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually
impenetrable.'

The Alabamian sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,smiles and
says, 'Fill it with water.'

 

(Actually, Ray-CPR2816 should get credit for this one; Thanks Ray!)

the line I heard was a mexican, a texan and an okie. the okie said fill it(with the organic material that it disposed of in a toilet)

Rgds ign

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Posted by CANADIANPACIFIC2816 on Thursday, July 3, 2008 5:19 AM

 chad thomas wrote:
Laugh [(-D] Good one Walt !!!Thumbs Up [tup]

Walt got this one from me. I in turn, got it from one of my brothers who lives in St. Paul, Minnesota. And like Walt said to me, it is a shame that this kind of scenario will NEVER happen!!

Banged Head [banghead]

Ray

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Posted by chad thomas on Thursday, July 3, 2008 1:20 AM
Laugh [(-D] Good one Walt !!!Thumbs Up [tup]
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Posted by locomutt on Thursday, July 3, 2008 12:07 AM

 

3 men - 3 wishes

 

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and an ALABAMA GENTLEMAN are all
working together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total', says the
Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to
be forever fertile in Canada .'

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile
for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine ,
Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our
precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around
those countries.

The Alabama Gentleman says, 'I am very curious. Please tell me more about this
wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo f eet thick and
completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually
impenetrable.'

The Alabamian sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar,smiles and
says, 'Fill it with water.'

 

(Actually, Ray-CPR2816 should get credit for this one; Thanks Ray!)

Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!!

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Posted by Texas Chief on Wednesday, July 2, 2008 11:42 PM

 trainfan1221 wrote:
 blhanel wrote:
You can move your cursor over the text to be copied while holding down the select button, which highlights the text.  Then, press Ctrl-C to copy it.  Open up a text editor such as Windows Notepad or Microsoft Word, and press Ctrl-V.  Voila!
Hey that was funny!  Oh, wait.. that wasn't a joke?  Sorry.

On the contrary, it may have been a joke since it didn't work for me.

Dick

Texas Chief

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Posted by Phoebe Vet on Wednesday, July 2, 2008 7:16 AM

 zardoz wrote:
Well, Mookie, I get up at 0400 CDT, and start work at 0500. But I usually have too much work to do for the first few hours. By the time I can do the web, its usually around 0900.

SOME of us have actual work to do Wink [;)]Big Smile [:D]


The early bird may get the worm, but it's the SECOND mouse who gets the cheese.

Dave

Lackawanna Route of the Phoebe Snow

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Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, July 2, 2008 6:41 AM

How to load a passenger train to capacity: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ODpjm1SzMl4

 

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Posted by spokyone on Monday, June 30, 2008 9:25 PM

NEW AIRLINE RULES
 
 Attendant: Welcome aboard Ala Carte Air, sir. May I see your ticket?
 Passenger: Sure.
 Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!
 Passenger: What for?
 Attendant: For telling you where to sit.
 Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.
 Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5.
 It's the airline's new policy.
 Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.
  Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?
  Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.
  Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would
 you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?
 Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.
  Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.
 Passenger: What?
 Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.
 Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.
 Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit,
 and fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But,
 first I need that $10.
 Passenger: No way!
 Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air
 marshal. And you really don't want me to do that.
 Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?
 Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.
  Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.
 Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else
 I can do for you?
 Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem
 to work. Can you fix it?
 Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two
 quarters into the overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.
 Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?
 Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of
 charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.
 Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?
 Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!
 Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.
 Attendant: Yes, there's a change making fee of 25 cents.
  Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter?
 What the heck can I do with this?
 Attendant: Hang onto it. You'll need it later for the lavatory.

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Posted by grampaw pettibone on Monday, June 30, 2008 1:48 PM
Just heard on the news that the president tripped and fell over Barney. They called the chopper and rushed him to Bethesda Navel hospital. They examined him, said his navel was OK and sent him back to the white House.

Tom

COAST LINE FOREVER

It is better to dwell in the corner of a roof than to share a house with a contentious woman! (Solomon)

A contentious woman is like a constant dripping! (Solomon)

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, June 30, 2008 11:59 AM

A video of Darwin Award recipients.  Nothing political, nothing about people getting hit by trains (although there are a few cool train vids).  Just some fine examples of behavior which might cause one to wonder how the genes for such stupidity survive to be passed along.

Many humorous moments. http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=31364

 

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Posted by trainfan1221 on Tuesday, May 13, 2008 5:04 PM
 dmoore74 wrote:

Breaking News

  
Breaking News:

CNN reports that gas stations will start showing "porn" movies on the
screens at the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at
the same time you do!!  

Yeah, I had someone text me that one.  On a related note...

A woman tells her man, "you better take me out someplace expensive".  So he takes her to the gas station.

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Posted by inch53 on Tuesday, May 13, 2008 9:38 AM

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance."

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

http://www.trainboard.com/railimages/showgallery.php/cat/500/ppuser/4309

DISCLAIMER-- This post does not clam anything posted here as fact or truth, but it may be just plain funny
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Posted by al-in-chgo on Monday, May 12, 2008 10:41 PM
 dmoore74 wrote:

Breaking News

  
Breaking News:

CNN reports that gas stations will start showing "porn" movies on the
screens at the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at
the same time you do!!  

 

Does that mean that "getting hosed" will have two different meanings??  - al

 

al-in-chgo
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Posted by dmoore74 on Monday, May 12, 2008 8:07 PM

Breaking News

  
Breaking News:

CNN reports that gas stations will start showing "porn" movies on the
screens at the pumps so that you can see someone else get screwed at
the same time you do!!  

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Posted by trainfan1221 on Monday, May 12, 2008 3:51 PM
 blhanel wrote:
You can move your cursor over the text to be copied while holding down the select button, which highlights the text.  Then, press Ctrl-C to copy it.  Open up a text editor such as Windows Notepad or Microsoft Word, and press Ctrl-V.  Voila!
Hey that was funny!  Oh, wait.. that wasn't a joke?  Sorry.
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Posted by blhanel on Monday, May 12, 2008 3:26 PM
You can move your cursor over the text to be copied while holding down the select button, which highlights the text.  Then, press Ctrl-C to copy it.  Open up a text editor such as Windows Notepad or Microsoft Word, and press Ctrl-V.  Voila!

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