Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[tree68]

Excuse me while I clean the cranberry relish out of my nose.....

[Murphy Siding]

TO: Dmoore74

Thanks! I don't think I've laughed like that since Dr. Bob Hartley (& friends) contrived to cook the Christmas turkey...

/Bill

 

 

Or Mr. Carlson and Herb Tarlek dropping the turkeys on the shopping center while Les Nessman reported the event live on WKRP.  ("As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.") 

"Oh the humanity!"

[Murphy Siding]

TO: Dmoore74

Thanks! I don't think I've laughed like that since Dr. Bob Hartley (& friends) contrived to cook the Christmas turkey...

/Bill

 

 

Or Mr. Carlson and Herb Tarlek dropping the turkeys on the shopping center while Les Nessman reported the event live on WKRP.  ("As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.") 

"Oh the humanity!"

[ChuckCobleigh]

TO: Dmoore74

Thanks! I don't think I've laughed like that since Dr. Bob Hartley (& friends) contrived to cook the Christmas turkey...

/Bill

 

 

Or Mr. Carlson and Herb Tarlek dropping the turkeys on the shopping center while Les Nessman reported the event live on WKRP.  ("As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.") 

[lonewoof]

TO: Dmoore74

Thanks! I don't think I've laughed like that since Dr. Bob Hartley (& friends) contrived to cook the Christmas turkey...

/Bill

 

 

[dmoore74]

All I Want For Christmas Is.......

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of pantyhose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty and grew increasingly threadbare. One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and a fake beard and went in search of an inflatable love doll. Of course, they don't sell those things at Wal-mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown. If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there almost three hours saying things like, "What does this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who owns that?" "Do you have their phone number?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section. I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll suitable for a night of romance that could also substitute as a passenger in my car so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour. I'm not sure what a complicated doll is. Perhaps one that is subject to wild mood shifts and using a French accent for no reason at all. (That also describes a few ex-boyfriends.) Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I figured the "vibro-motion" was a feature Jay could live without, so I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination. On Christmas Eve, with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life. My sister-in-law was in on the plan and cleverly left the front door key hidden under the mat. In the wee morning hours, long after Santa had come and gone, I sneaked into the house and filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. Then I let myself out, went home, and giggled for a couple of hours. The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. He would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more. I suggested he purchase an inflatable Lassie to set Rover straight. We also agreed that Louise should remain in her pantyhose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner. It seemed like a great idea, except that we forgot that Grandma and Grandpa would be there. My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked. My brother quickly explained. "It's a doll." "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued. I hadn't seen any in the box, but I kept this information to myself. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, trying to steer her into the dining room. But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?" Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, Hang on!" My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said," Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?" I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home. The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise that sounded a lot like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the pantyhose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. The cat screamed, I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth to mouth resuscitation. My brother wet his pants and Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car. It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember. Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh. Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health. Louise went on to star in several bachelor party movies. I think Grandpa still calls her whenever he can get out of the house.

[vsmith]

I think Mommy is Santa!

Merry Christmas! This is very funny...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=zmQDt7jVdXQ

Enjoy!

[locomutt]

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols. He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him. The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing........ "Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!"

[spokyone]

A man walks into a pub and says, "Give me three pints of Guinness, please."

So the bartender brings him three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third until they're gone.

He then orders three more and the bartender says, "Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one and I'll bring you a fresh one as soon as you're low."

The man says, "You don't understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we'd still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too and we're drinking together."

The bartender thinks it's a wonderful tradition and every week he sets up the guy's three beers as soon as he enters in the bar. Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them, then orders two more. The bartender sadly says, "Knowing your tradition, I'd just like to just say that I'm sorry that one of your brothers died."

The man replies, "Oh, my brothers are fine - I just quit drinking."

[vsmith]

                     Just a little redneck humor, ala "My Name Is Earl"

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch. The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself." The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself." The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."
        The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."
The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."
"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."

I think this may be the 3rd time I've put this in here, but in the same vein...

Alabama Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that that was enough. So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in 'Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "Ah may not be the smartest man, but Ah cain't hardly see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to mah ear is gon' ta he'p me." So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion. The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10. Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherrybomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1, 2, 3, 4, 5 . . . . ", at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand. . . .

[zardoz]

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.
Yogi Berra

I am not young enough to know everything.
Oscar Wilde

It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
Dan Quayle

I have opinions of my own - strong opinions - but I don't always agree with them.
George Bush

It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.
Erma Bombeck

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.
Steve Wright

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
Albert Einstein

[zardoz]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog "the sign says you have to be good with a computer". The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at the manager calmly and said, "Meow!"

[zardoz]

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"

[spokyone]

                     Just a little redneck humor, ala "My Name Is Earl"

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch. The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself." The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself." The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."
        The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."
The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."
"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."

[CNW 6000]

Subject: Wal-Mart Cat

A  blonde was weed-eating her yard and 
accidentally cut off the tail of her cat 
which  was hiding in the grass. 
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over 
to WALMART! 

 

Why WALMART??? 

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!! 

O

M

G

LOL!

[dmoore74]

Subject: Wal-Mart Cat

A  blonde was weed-eating her yard and 
accidentally cut off the tail of her cat 
which  was hiding in the grass. 
She rushed her cat, along with the tail over 
to WALMART! 

 

Why WALMART??? 

WALMART is the largest re-tailer in the world!!! 

[locomutt]

And on a lighter note:  Michael Vick was sentenced to 3 years today.

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.......

He will serve his term playing for the St. Louis Rams

Are you sure they said that, or was it the Cincinnati Bengals?! 

[CNW 6000]

At least it's not with the Packers....or maybe it should be!

[spokyone]

And on a lighter note:  Michael Vick was sentenced to 3 years today.

.....

.....

 

 .....

.....

 

.......

He will serve his term playing for the St. Louis Rams

[spokyone]

Are you right-brain dominant or left-brain?

http://www.news.com.au/perthnow/story/0,21598,22492511-5005375,00.html

 

Czech this out. I saw ccw with left eye and cw with right eye.

[zardoz]

Are you right-brain dominant or left-brain?

http://www.news.com.au/perthnow/story/0,21598,22492511-5005375,00.html

 

[CNW 6000]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both 
married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping 
room on a transcontinental train. 
  
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were 
both very tired and fell asleep quickly ... he in the upper bunk and she in 
the lower. 
  
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman 
saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to 
reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." 
  
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's 
pretend that we' re married". 
  
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he 
exclaimed. 
  
"Good," she replied. "Get your own darn blanket!" 
  
After a moment of silence, he farted. 

[zardoz]

Here is the Washington Post's Mensa invitational which once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

The winners are:

1. cashtration : the act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. ignoranus: a person who's both stupid and an ______.

3. intaxication: euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. reintarnation: coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. bozone: the substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. the bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. foreploy: any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. giraffiti: vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. sarchasm: the gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. inoculatte: to take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. hipatitis: terminal coolness.

11. osteopornosis: a degenerate disease. 

12. karmageddon: it's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the earth explodes, and it's a serious bummer.

13. decafalon: the grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you

14. glibido: all talk and no action.

15. dopeler effect: the tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. arachnoleptic fit: the frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. beelzebug: Satan, in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. caterpallor: the color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

[zardoz]

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

[Tharmeni]

 

Mookie won't bring herself to mention Ronald Reagan, but I will in relating this quote from our late, former president:

"I have always wondered what would have happened if Moses had to run the 10 Commandents past Congress..."

[zardoz]

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him. "What's the story this time, Jones?" he asked sarcastically. "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

Jones sighed, "Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river -- look, my suit's still damp -- ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson's helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes."

"You'll have to do better than that, Jones," said the boss, obviously disappointed. "No woman can get ready in ten minutes."

 

No offense intended, Ms. Mook

[zardoz]

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat. When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam war...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son", Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the first time in years. The second man, who wore very thick glasses and had a hard time reading and driving, asked if Jesus could do anything about his eyesight. Jesus smiled, removed the man's glasses and tossed them in the lake. When they hit the water, the man's eyes cleared and he could see everything distinctly.

When Jesus turned to heal the union worker, the guy put his hands up and cried defensively, "Don't touch me! I'm on long term disability."

[zardoz]

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver. "I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his old man. "Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit back here and kick the back of your seat while you drive, just like you have been doing to me for sixteen years."

[zardoz]

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you morons who want to get off, get the heck off now, because this is the last stop! All of you idiots that are getting on, get your butts in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are upset with the two hour delay , please see the grouch in the kitchen."

[zardoz]

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"