Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Murphy Siding]

     A couple of years ago, some fine citizens of North Dakota said they wanted to shorten the name of their state.  They somehow thought the name gave outsiders a bad impression about the climate, and thought shortening the name would sound sexier.

     Some of the fine citizens of S.D. agreed.  They thought that other state's name should just be shortened to North.

    

[zardoz]

State Slogans, Part One:

Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
As Seen on TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
Without Atlanta we're Alabama

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Seven Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

     I see you're not up to S.D., yet, so I'll help you out-

South Dakota:

Thank God we're not North Dakota

Excellent. 

Anybody else out there have any good ones they'd like to share?

[Murphy Siding]

State Slogans, Part One:

Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
As Seen on TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
Without Atlanta we're Alabama

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Seven Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

     I see you're not up to S.D., yet, so I'll help you out-

South Dakota:

Thank God we're not North Dakota

[dmoore74]

Computer Trouble

 

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like  Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?  

 

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.  

 

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'
            
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T 

   
I used to like Eric............. 

[zardoz]

[clip] (Note All caps words are subbing for italics)
He read,"AYE should be sorry? AYE should apologize? YOU were right and AYE was wrong?"(and there was more but you get the point. LOL)

Actually, I don't get the point.  I even tried typing these words in italics - I still don't get it.  Would you be so kind as to explain to someone as clueless as I seem to be this afternoon ?  Thanks !

- Paul North.

Please refer to my recent posting in this thread titled "State Slogans".

[arkansasrailfan]

Ok, bad joke. it was supposed to be "I". IN the dumbster ya go.

[Murphy Siding]

Supposed real story.
Stalin had sent one of his enemies to Siberia, and he had recievied a letter of apology. He read the letter and a commoner shoutsed, "comrade Stalin, you did not read it right!" Stalin summoned him and told gim to read the letter. (Note All caps words are subbing for italics)
He read,"AYE should be sorry? AYE should apologize? YOU were right and AYE was wrong?"(and there was more but you get the point. LOL)

Zoom!!  Right over my head!!  Aye Aye?

[Paul_D_North_Jr]

[clip] (Note All caps words are subbing for italics)
He read,"AYE should be sorry? AYE should apologize? YOU were right and AYE was wrong?"(and there was more but you get the point. LOL)

Actually, I don't get the point.  I even tried typing these words in italics - I still don't get it.  Would you be so kind as to explain to someone as clueless as I seem to be this afternoon ?  Thanks !

- Paul North.

[arkansasrailfan]

Supposed real story.
Stalin had sent one of his enemies to Siberia, and he had recievied a letter of apology. He read the letter and a commoner shoutsed, "comrade Stalin, you did not read it right!" Stalin summoned him and told gim to read the letter. (Note All caps words are subbing for italics)
He read,"AYE should be sorry? AYE should apologize? YOU were right and AYE was wrong?"(and there was more but you get the point. LOL)

[zardoz]

Redneck Driver's License Application

Last name: ________________

First name (check appropriate box):

[_] Billy-Bob
[_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe
[_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray
[_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue
[_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae
[_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack
[_] Bobby-Beth-Ann

Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)

Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure

Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right

Occupation:

[_] Farmer
[_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed
[_] Dirty Politician

Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________
Lover's Name: ____________________________
2nd Lover's Name: __________________________

Relationship with spouse:

[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother
[_] Uncle
[_] Mother
[_] Son
[_] Father
[_] Daughter
[_] Cousin
[_] Pet

Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___

Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)

Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)

Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?

Vehicles you own and where you keep them:

___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks

Firearms you own and where you keep them:

____ truck
____ kitchen
____ bedroom
____ bathroom
____ shed

Model of your pickup: _____________
Year pickup produced: 19____

Do you have a gun rack?

[_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain:_________________________

Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:

[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] MAXIM
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun

___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO

How often do you bathe:

[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not Applicable

 

How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:

[_] Yellow
[_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown
[_] Black
[_] N/A

 

Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:

[_] Red-Man

How far is your home from a paved road?

[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don't know

[arkansasrailfan]

State Slogans, Part One:

Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
As Seen on TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
Without Atlanta we're Alabama

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Seven Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

ahem to the Arkansas one(but thats okay-many dont have 2 year degrees) Actually, my school is the best in the state. My grade uses laptops in class.(imagine how Im typing this at 905)

[zardoz]

State Slogans, Part One:

Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi

Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!

Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat

Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing

California:
As Seen on TV

Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character

Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water

Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia:
Without Atlanta we're Alabama

Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky:
Five Million People; Seven Last Names

Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine:
We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware

Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's

[arkansasrailfan]

Sadly, I am part of the 90s group. Sadly, even more is that many are (bad word for donkey) and

[trainfan1221]

And there are a lot more things that could be added!  Thanks for an occasionally needed dose of reality.

[locomutt]

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940's, 50's, 60's and 70's !! First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a tin, and didn't get tested for diabetes. Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright colored lead-based paints. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking . As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.   Riding in the back of a van - loose - was always great fun. We drank water from the garden hosepipe and NOT from a bottle.   We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.   We ate cakes, white bread and real butter and drank pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because..... .   WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!   We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.   No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K. We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem .. We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no text messaging, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms....... ..WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them! We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents .   We played with worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.   Made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not poke out any eyes. We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them! Local teams had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!   The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!   This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!   The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.   We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned   HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!   And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!   You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good.   and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.   Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?! PS -The BIG type is because your eyes are shot at your age

__._,_.__  

[Phoebe Vet]

Every night at bedtime my wife of more than 40 years gives me viagra with warm milk.

The warm milk helps me sleep and the Viagra keeps me from rolling out of bed.

[Lord Atmo]

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

I think that one applies to both genders too

Well as long as we're on the subject of dirty jokes, i have one that's not too bad I suppose:

A recent study shows that the most commonly used sexual position among married couples is doggy style:

-He sits up and begs
-She rolls over and plays dead

[zardoz]

On walking into the company, the new CEO noticed a young guy leaning against the wall, doing nothing. He approached the young man and calmly said to him, "How much do you earn?"

The young man was quite amazed that he was asked such a personal question, he replied, none the less, "I earn $2 000.00 a month, Sir. Why?" Without answering, the CEO took out his wallet and removed $6000.00 cash and gave it to the young man and said, "Around here I pay people
for working, not for standing around looking pretty! Here is 3 months' salary, now GET OUT and don't come back".

The young man turned around and was quickly out of sight. Noticing a few onlookers, the CEO said in a very upset manner, "And that applies for everybody in this company". He then approached one of the onlookers and asked him, "Who's the man that I just fired ?" To which an amazing reply came of, "He was the pizza delivery man!"

[zardoz]

Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.

Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?"

So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I smoke while I pray?"

The Priest replies, "No, my son, you may not! That's utter disrespect to our religion."

Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.

Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try."

And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Father, may I pray while I smoke?"

To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to."

**********
Moral of the story is... the reply you get depends on the question you ask.
**********

[zardoz]

A language instructor was explaining to her class that in French, nouns,unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine.

"House," in French, is feminine-"la maison." "Pencil," in French, is masculine-"le crayon."

One puzzled student asked, "What gender is computer?"

The teacher did not know, and the word wasn't in her French dictionary.
So for fun she split the class into two groups appropriately enough, by gender, and asked them to decide whether "computer" should be a masculine or feminine noun.

Both groups were required to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The men's group decided that computers should definitely be of the feminine gender ("la computer"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for possible later retrieval;
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay check on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("le computer"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you'd waited little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[arkansasrailfan]

3 funny train photos I photoshopped(course I would)

link:wyomingrailfan.webs.com/humor.htm

[trainfan1221]

Forgive me if this is a repeat... "If a man is in a forest and says something but no woman is around to hear it, is he still wrong?

[CShaveRR]

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES


If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.



EATING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike , Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.



MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.



BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathr oom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.



ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.



MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.



DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.



NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.



OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.



THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

[arkansasrailfan]

It is, because you can't beat someone who has their own action figure!

[Phoebe Vet]

I like the way she proudly told that original joke, as if she thought it was a compliment.

[vsmith]

Political jokes are aready hitting the streets...over heard at work:

Joe: "Sarah Palin asked whats the difference between a Hockey Mom and a Pitbull,...lipstick!"

Jack: "Yeah but no matter how much lipstick you put on a Pitbull, its still a dog."

[arkansasrailfan]

It's so gross I don't want to even think about.

[Phoebe Vet]

Nope.  In criminal terms that is a continuing single transaction provided everyone was present when it occurred.

3 times ... 74 people.

Now if it took several days, that is a different story.

[arkansasrailfan]

Wait, shouldn't that be 74 times!?!?!?!

[CShaveRR]

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

Martha replied, "Well, Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."

Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"

Martha said,  "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?" Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home.  But what about the second time?"

Martha asked, "Do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."

"I recall that," said Henry.  "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."

"All right," Martha said. "Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"