I have read all 157 pages (3133 entries) and have had a good laugh several times... sometimes at the same jokes over and over again.... oh well, some jokes are worth repeating!
I have a couple of jokes that I don't remember reading here already...
Here is my favourite pun(s):
There was an old tribal chief named Goras Therom and all members of the tribe wanted to follow in his path.
Well, it seems he had three wives. A big stoutly one that slept on an Elk skin, a petite one that slept on a deer skin and a third one that was... well, she slept on a hippopotamus skin!
The first wife conceived and bare him a son, as did the second wife. But the third wife was barren. The first two wives really chided the third wife about that, which made her really mad and determined to show them up somehow.
As a part of the rites of passage the male members of this tribe had to perform some great feat and when these two sons had grown they were required to meet these rites.
The first son went out and killed a bear and brought it back to the village. The second son did the same thing.
The first two wives laid it on thick to the third wife. "Our sons have killed a bear... what has 'YOUR' son done??? Oh dear, you don't have a SON... do you???"
These words really burned in the third wife's ear and she determined to show that they were not so special. She went out one day and killed TWO bears and brought them both back to the village.
Thus, all those that wanted to follow in the "path of Goras Therom" knew that...
"The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
Semper Vaporo
Pkgs.
The Whistle.
Scene:
Away-From-Home Terminal high in the Mountains on a Wonderful Sunny Day with NO Wind, for a Change.
Large Gathering of Senior East and West Crews in the Glory? Days of Steam.
Newbie Trainman From Extra Board on First Paid Trip East Motor-Mouthing about the Splendor of the Mountains, the Glaciers, the Lakes, the Grades, the Curves, the Snowsheds, the Trestles and Tunnels all soon to be changed for the Worse by Winter and Thirty Below.
Hardship and Snow Slides around every Curve.
Newbie Trainman Says in Conclusion; "...AND!! the Engineer let me Blow the Whistle!!!!"
From far side of Room, Very Senior Red-Nose-with-Purple-Veins-that-had-seen-too-many-Years-Beers-and-Tears Conductor Retorts; "Hope you Din't Burn Your Lips!!!"
Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.'' "And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.
"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.
''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''
vsmith wrote: ZardozSome Dalek Humor....Daleks at home....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QxNJEBr_l0Ever wonder what became of the French Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail?http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfNfDiqAF9Q
Zardoz
Some Dalek Humor....
Daleks at home....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QxNJEBr_l0
Ever wonder what became of the French Knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GfNfDiqAF9Q
Vic:
Those were hilarious! Thanks.
My nephews did this to their cousin after seeing this one.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xMBJePzxiZs
Have fun with your trains
Remember: In South Carolina, North is southeast of Due West... HIOAg /Bill
Dare we go down the alley of Chuck Norris?
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes, Chuck has 72....and they're all poisonous.In some countries there are 13 months. The 13th month is Chuck Norris.
Dan
Another thing you would not know.
If there are 2 detectivesOne is white, the other blackOne is happily married, the other is divorced or separatedNeither one bleeds when in a fightChuck Norris can kick a bad guy in the face and not break a bone.
During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.
Most dogs are immortal.
If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St. Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets which reach up to the armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French Bread.
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No-one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do.
If your town is threatened by an imminent natural disaster or killer beast, the mayor's first concern will be the tourist trade or his forthcoming art exhibition.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
The Chief of Police is always black.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Interbreeding is genetically possible with any creature from elsewhere in the universe.
Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
Word processors never display a cursor on screen but will always say: Enter Password Now.
Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning even though their husband and children never have time to eat it.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective-or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of RFK Stadium.
Medieval peasants had perfect teeth.
It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
No-one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds - unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight year old child.
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
vsmith wrote: A Nun, a Priest, a Rabbi, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Italian, a Greek and a Blonde walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and asks, ''What is this, some kind of joke?"
A Nun, a Priest, a Rabbi, an Irishman, a Scotsman, an Italian, a Greek and a Blonde walk into a bar.
The bartender looks at them and asks, ''What is this, some kind of joke?"
you forgot the talking dog and a horse
Hu is the President of China?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ybj2FJ8iDCs&mode=related&search=
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside."What's going on?" she yells out the window."Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.Within five minutes, however, it stops again.The woman sees the same conductor walk again.She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
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A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."
Dear Father,$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you $oon.Love,Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.Dear Son, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. NOw I kNOw that NOwadays there are NOvel ways to communicate, so NOone need be out of touch for long. By the way, we received 8 inches of sNOw yesterday.Love,Dad
Married Life:
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------It may be true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.------------------------------------------------------------------------------------It's true that all men are born free and equal, but some of them get married!--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.Father: That happens everywhere, son, everywhere!
The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs on his chest. Worried that it might be a second incision the doctors hadn't told him about, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown down enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.
Taped firmly across his hairy chest were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily.
Written in large black letters on the tape was the sentence, "Get well quick... from the nurse you gave a ticket to last week."
10 Best Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping At Work
1. "They told me at the blood bank this might happen." 2. "This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to." 3. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!" 4. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm." 5. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance." 6. "I was doing a highly specific yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice yoga?" 7. "Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem." 8. "The coffee machine is broken ..." 9. "Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot ..."
AND THE BEST OF ALL:10. Raise your head from the desk and say " ... in Jesus' name. Amen."
There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 40 years, he happily retired.
Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines.
They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.
The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.
The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service.
They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:
"One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it $49,999".
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as others see it and not just as you think it looks.
Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration:
1. A site called 'Who Represents' where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity: www.whorepresents.com
2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.expertsexchange.com
3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: www.penisland.net
4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder: www.therapistfinder.com
5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company: www.powergenitalia.com
6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com
7. If you're looking for computer software: www.ipanywhere.com
8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church: www.cummingfirst.com
9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers: www.speedofart.com
10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? www.gotahoe.com
Tips for Rednecks
IN GENERAL1. Never take a beer to a job interview.2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
DINING OUT1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
PERSONAL HYGIENE1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family)1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the fillin' station bathroom wall two years ago."3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
THEATER ETIQUETTE1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
WEDDINGS1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.2. Unless you are the groom, kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
DRIVING ETIQUETTE1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
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