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Posted by Big90mack on Wednesday, February 21, 2007 12:16 AM
Smile [:)]
Jesse C. If at first you don't succed get a bigger hammer !!!!
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Posted by Datafever on Wednesday, February 21, 2007 12:09 AM

Everyone has a photographic memory.

Some just don't have film.

"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Wednesday, February 21, 2007 12:07 AM

Bumper sticker:

VISUALIZE WHIRLED PEAS 

"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Tuesday, February 20, 2007 6:14 PM

A day without sunshine is like...  night.

"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by CNW 6000 on Monday, February 19, 2007 12:44 PM

On the subject of work...

Tools and their REAL uses 
  
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
  flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
  chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against
that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying. 
  
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
  under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it
takes you to say, "Yeou $hit...." 
  
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
  holes until you die of old age. 
  
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. 
  
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the
  creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by lawyer
bikers. 
  
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert
  minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. 
  
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
   principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
   motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
  dismal your future becomes. 
  
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off
  bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
  transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 
  
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the
  conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. 
  
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
  flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease
inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. 
  
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
   motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or
½ socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes. 
  
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
  wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. 
  
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after
  you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle
firmly under the bumper. 
  
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off
  of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. 
  
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel spokes. 
  
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any
  known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any
  possible future use. 
  
CUTOFF SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most
  shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. 
  
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
  strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. 
  
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that
   inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end
   opposite the handle. 
  
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. 
  
TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes
  called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
  vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
  benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about
the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the
first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its
name is somewhat misleading. 
  
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
  lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing
oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip
out  Phillips screw heads. Lawyers excel at using this tool. 
  
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
  to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. 
  
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
  coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
compressed  air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips
  rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at
  Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap
off  lug nuts. 
  
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
  bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. 
  
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. 
  
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
  is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts
  adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Lawyers primarily use it to
make  gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures, which is rarely. 
  
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
  cardboard cartons from DHL delivered to your front door; works
  particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts.
   Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. 
  
DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
  garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also,
most often, the next tool that you will need.

Dan

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 19, 2007 12:16 PM

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"

"One," said the young salesman.

"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"

"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.

"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.

"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"

"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 19, 2007 12:13 PM

More Workplace Definitions 

 

Assmosis
The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.

Blamestorming
Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

Seagull Manager
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, dumps over everything and then leaves.

Salmon day
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

Chainsaw consultant
An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.

CLM
Career Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB - Career Limiting Behavior)


Dilberted
To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again.  The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."

Flight Risk
Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.

404
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found,"  meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."

Percussive Maintenance
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 19, 2007 12:07 PM

The language of Work

Has Leadership Qualities   -   Is tall or has a loud voice
Loyal   -   Can't get a job anywhere else
Expresses Themselves Well   -   Speaks English
Independent Worker   -   Nobody knows what he/she does
Quick Thinking   -   Offers plausible excuses
Good Communication Skills   -   Spends lots of time on phone
Work Is First Priority   -   Too ugly to get a date
Meticulous Attention To Detail   -   A nit picker
Great Presentation Skills   -   Able to bullshit
Exceptionally Well Qualified   -   Made no major blunders yet
Careful Thinker   -   Won't make a decision
Active Socially   -   Drinks a lot
Family Is Active Socially   -   Spouse drinks, too
Keen Sense Of Humor   -   Knows a lot of dirty jokes
Exceptionally Good Judgment   -   Lucky
Uses Logic On Difficult Jobs   -   Gets someone else to do it
Average Employee   -   Not too bright
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Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 19, 2007 11:49 AM

Looking for a job, or between jobs?  Here are some interpretations of some words you will likely encounter in your career search:

 

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 19, 2007 11:41 AM

What's Your Business Sign?

1) MARKETING
You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least >>compatible with Sales.

2) SALES
Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3) TECHNOLOGY
Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.

4) ENGINEERING
One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5) ACCOUNTING
The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6) HUMAN RESOURCES
Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.

7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT
Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)

9) CUSTOMER SERVICE
Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions.

10) CONSULTANT
Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"
As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO
You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 19, 2007 11:39 AM

Top Ten Signs You Work in the 00's

10.You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.

9. You get all excited when it's Saturday because you can wear sweats to work.

8. You refer to the tomatoes growing in your garden as "deliverables".

7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.

6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the best restaurant in town in the same week.

5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.

4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.

3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making plans for Friday night.

2. You think Einstein would have been more effective if he had put his ideas into a matrix. And the number one sign you work in the 'Nineties:

1. You think a "half day" means leaving at 5 o'clock (even if you work at home).

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 19, 2007 11:30 AM

A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific." The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!"

He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?" "Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."

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Posted by zardoz on Monday, February 19, 2007 11:12 AM
What is a zebra?
  26 sizes larger than an "A" bra. 
How do you get holy water?
  Boil the hell out of it.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
  Polaroids.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
  Frostbite.
How do crazy people go through the forest?
  They take the psycho path.
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
  A stick.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
  The taste.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
  Ugly sheep.
Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
  They're trying to get away from the noise.
What do you call Santa's helpers?
  Subordinate Clauses.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
  Because they have big fingers.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
  Cell phones.
 
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
  Anyone can roast beef.
What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
  Quatro sinko.
What do you get from a pampered cow?
  Spoiled milk.
What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
  A pool table.
Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?
  They all have phones.
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Posted by CShaveRR on Sunday, February 18, 2007 9:07 PM
I had a daughter who was a drummer percussionist in high school, too.  She and her girlfriend (both non-stereotypical intelligent blondes) became notorious as "ringleaders" at summer music camps, and honors bands around the district.  All I had to do was mention her first name, and I'd get back, "Is she the kind of girl who would take a picture of her face in the Xerox machine?"  They knew her, all right!  Then there was the year they both dyed their hair black, or the performance where the right note on the timp was sounded from across the room by a well-thrown shoe...

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

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Posted by coborn35 on Sunday, February 18, 2007 8:14 PM
 Datafever wrote:

One day during practice, the percussion section was particularly rowdy.

Seeing this, the conductor spoke up. "Gentlemen! When a musician can't play an instrument, they give him two sticks, and make him a percussionist!"

Then, in a low whisper, one of the drummers murmered "....and when you can't do that, they take one stick away, and make you stand out front!"

OMG LMAO!

That describes our drumline perfectly! 

Mechanical Department  "No no that's fine shove that 20 pound set all around the yard... those shoes aren't hell and a half to change..."

The Missabe Road: Safety First

 

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Posted by CShaveRR on Sunday, February 18, 2007 8:09 PM

 Datafever wrote:
Did you hear about the two cement mixers that fell in love?
Now they have a little sidewalk running around the house.

Pour...really pour!

Carl

Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)

CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)

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Posted by Datafever on Saturday, February 17, 2007 9:12 PM

One day during practice, the percussion section was particularly rowdy.

Seeing this, the conductor spoke up. "Gentlemen! When a musician can't play an instrument, they give him two sticks, and make him a percussionist!"

Then, in a low whisper, one of the drummers murmered "....and when you can't do that, they take one stick away, and make you stand out front!"

"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Saturday, February 17, 2007 9:10 PM
Did you hear about the two cement mixers that fell in love?
Now they have a little sidewalk running around the house.
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Saturday, February 17, 2007 9:01 PM
Ralph, age 72, is visiting London for the first time. He decides to skip the afternoon tour and explore the city on his own.

He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness.

After a while, he finds himself in a very high-class neighborhood. Big, stately residences ... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all ... no public restrooms.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinness beers and all that trouble with his prostate.

Ralph finds a narrow side street with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby (policeman), who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies Ralph, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the bobby, "Just follow me."

He leads him to a back delivery alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobbie. "Whiz away, anywhere you want."

Ralph enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. There are manicured lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British hospitality'?"

"No sir," replied the bobbie, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Saturday, February 17, 2007 8:58 PM

The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.

Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.

The priest repeated his advice. Still the dying man said nothing.

The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Saturday, February 17, 2007 1:04 AM
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Saturday, February 17, 2007 1:00 AM
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Thursday, February 15, 2007 2:02 AM
"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by Datafever on Thursday, February 15, 2007 1:55 AM

Look closely - yes, this is a painted hand (or fist as the case may be).

 

"I'm sittin' in a railway station, Got a ticket for my destination..."
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Posted by spokyone on Wednesday, February 14, 2007 10:08 AM
Another blonde story. This one is true. From AP wire service
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws and
while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.

        Later, several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.


        One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and
walked over to the car He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she
looked very strange He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd
been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over
an hour.

        The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors
were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they
finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of
her head.

        A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud
noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of
her head.

        When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and
thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and
tried to hold her brains in for over an hour unti l someone noticed and came to
her aid.

        Linda is a blonde and a Democrat, but I'm certain that's irrelevant.    
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Posted by espeefoamer on Tuesday, February 13, 2007 8:06 PM

Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball squad?

She ran away from the ball.

Ride Amtrak. Cats Rule, Dogs Drool.
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Posted by espeefoamer on Tuesday, February 13, 2007 8:04 PM
Is this boxcar white? Aer there shackles inside?Pirate [oX)]
Ride Amtrak. Cats Rule, Dogs Drool.
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Posted by JSGreen on Tuesday, February 13, 2007 2:50 PM

Have you ever noticed when you use your computer first thing in the morning, the icons appear to be in a different place than when you left?
 
Have you sensed that something goes on if you leave your computer on overnight?
 
Well, when you go to bed at night and forget to shut down your computer, I think you ought to know what actually goes on. For the first time, someone has captured what takes place after you leave the room.
 
Click here to check out why....
.
 
http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm

...I may have a one track mind, but at least it's not Narrow (gauge) Wink.....
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Posted by blhanel on Tuesday, February 13, 2007 12:40 PM
 vsmith wrote:
Locating the vanishing point

Hmmm... NSFW?  I can't access this site, and it's not my company's firewall that's stopping me, either!

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Posted by vsmith on Tuesday, February 13, 2007 12:36 PM
Locating the vanishing point

   Have fun with your trains

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