Everyone has a photographic memory.
Some just don't have film.
Bumper sticker:
VISUALIZE WHIRLED PEAS
A day without sunshine is like... night.
On the subject of work...
Tools and their REAL uses DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Yeou $hit...." ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age. SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short. PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. The most often the tool used by lawyer bikers. BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or ½ socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes. TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a car to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel spokes. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use. CUTOFF SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work. TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Lawyers excel at using this tool. STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Ford, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Lawyers primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures, which is rarely. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons from DHL delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use. DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMMIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Dan
A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
"Yes, I was a salesman in the country" said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up."
The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?"
"One," said the young salesman.
"Only one," blurted the boss, "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?"
"Three hundred thousand dollars," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss.
"Well," said the salesman "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser."
The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?"
"No," answered the salesman "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing.'"
More Workplace Definitions
AssmosisThe process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss.BlamestormingSitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.Seagull ManagerA manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, dumps over everything and then leaves.Salmon dayThe experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.Chainsaw consultantAn outside expert brought in to reduce the employee head count, leaving the brass with clean hands.CLMCareer Limiting Move - Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM. (Also known as CLB - Career Limiting Behavior)DilbertedTo be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."Flight RiskUsed to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.404Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him . . . he's 404, man."Percussive MaintenanceThe fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
The language of Work
Looking for a job, or between jobs? Here are some interpretations of some words you will likely encounter in your career search:
"COMPETITIVE SALARY"We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors."JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM"We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED"You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY"Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED"Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON"If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE"You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
"PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST"You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
"REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS"You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
"GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS"Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
What's Your Business Sign?
1) MARKETINGYou are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least >>compatible with Sales.
2) SALESLaziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3) TECHNOLOGYUnable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4) ENGINEERINGOne of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
5) ACCOUNTINGThe only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6) HUMAN RESOURCESIronically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENTCatty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT(See above - Same sign, different title)
9) CUSTOMER SERVICEBright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions.
10) CONSULTANTLacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11) RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER"As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12) PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEOYou are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
Top Ten Signs You Work in the 00's
10.You lecture the neighborhood kids selling lemonade on ways to improve their process.
9. You get all excited when it's Saturday because you can wear sweats to work.
8. You refer to the tomatoes growing in your garden as "deliverables".
7. You find you really need PowerPoint to explain what you do for a living.
6. You normally eat out of vending machines and at the best restaurant in town in the same week.
5. You think that "progressing an action plan" and "calendarizing a project" are acceptable English phrases.
4. You know the people at the airport hotels better than your next-door neighbors.
3. You ask your friends to "think out of the box" when making plans for Friday night.
2. You think Einstein would have been more effective if he had put his ideas into a matrix. And the number one sign you work in the 'Nineties:
1. You think a "half day" means leaving at 5 o'clock (even if you work at home).
A guy goes into a bar. He's sitting on the stool, enjoying his drink when he hears, "You look great!" He looks around - there's nobody near him. He hears the voice again, "No really, you look terrific." The guy looks around again. Nobody. He hears, "Is that a new shirt or something? Because you are absolutely glowing!"
He then realizes that the voice is coming from a dish of nuts on the bar. "Hey," the guy calls to the bartender, "What's with the nuts?" "Oh," the bartender answers, "They're complimentary."
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
Datafever wrote:One day during practice, the percussion section was particularly rowdy. Seeing this, the conductor spoke up. "Gentlemen! When a musician can't play an instrument, they give him two sticks, and make him a percussionist!" Then, in a low whisper, one of the drummers murmered "....and when you can't do that, they take one stick away, and make you stand out front!"
One day during practice, the percussion section was particularly rowdy.
Seeing this, the conductor spoke up. "Gentlemen! When a musician can't play an instrument, they give him two sticks, and make him a percussionist!"
Then, in a low whisper, one of the drummers murmered "....and when you can't do that, they take one stick away, and make you stand out front!"
OMG LMAO!
That describes our drumline perfectly!
Mechanical Department "No no that's fine shove that 20 pound set all around the yard... those shoes aren't hell and a half to change..."
The Missabe Road: Safety First
Datafever wrote:Did you hear about the two cement mixers that fell in love?Now they have a little sidewalk running around the house.
Pour...really pour!
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"The dying man said nothing.The priest repeated his advice. Still the dying man said nothing.The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"
Look closely - yes, this is a painted hand (or fist as the case may be).
Why was Cinderella kicked off the basketball squad?
She ran away from the ball.
Have you ever noticed when you use your computer first thing in the morning, the icons appear to be in a different place than when you left? Have you sensed that something goes on if you leave your computer on overnight? Well, when you go to bed at night and forget to shut down your computer, I think you ought to know what actually goes on. For the first time, someone has captured what takes place after you leave the room. Click here to check out why..... http://www.xs4all.nl/~jvdkuyp/flash/see.htm
vsmith wrote: Locating the vanishing point
Hmmm... NSFW? I can't access this site, and it's not my company's firewall that's stopping me, either!
Brian (IA) http://blhanel.rrpicturearchives.net.
Have fun with your trains
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