Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

You'll Know It's a No-Frills Airline If:

1. They don't sell tickets, they sell chances.
   
   
2. All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.
   
   
3. Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.
   
   
4. If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back.
   
   
5. You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.
   
   
6. Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.
   
   
7. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.
   
   
8. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.
   
   
9. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.
   
   
10. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he sez, "Just once."
    
    
11. No movie. Don't need one.
    
    
12. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.
    
    
13. You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane.
    
    
14. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.
    

[zardoz]

The Top Twenty Bad Flight Advertising Slogans

1. BadAir: When you just can't wait for the world to come to you.

2. BadAir: We're Amtrak with wings.

3. Join our frequent near-miss program.

4. On flights, every section is a smoking section.

5. Ask about our out-of-court settlements.

6. Our staff has had lots of experience counseling next-of-kin.

7. Are our jet engines too noisy? Don't worry. We'll turn them off.

8. Complimentary champagne during free-fall.

9. Enjoy the in-flight movie in the plane next to you.

10. The kids will love our inflatable slides.

11. If you think it's so easy, get your own plane!

12. Which will fall faster, our stock price or our planes?

13. Our pilots are all terminally ill and have nothing to lose.

14. BadAir: We may be landing on your street.

15. BadAir: Terrorists are afraid to fly with us.

16. Bring a bathing suit.

17. Some airlines are content to fly thousands of feet over landmarks. We try to get
as close as possible for the best view.

18. That guy who crashed into the White House was one of our best pilots.

19. Fly BadAir and enjoy a free two-week hospital stay on us.

20. BadAir: A real man lands where he wants to.

[zardoz]

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls "And get me another whisky you idiot". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick you".

The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says "For someone who can't fly, you complain too much!"

[Datafever]

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws


Light travels faster than sound.
This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

[spokyone]

My neighbor lady loves the AAA premium GOLD service.

[underworld]

QUOTE: Originally posted by kevinstheRRman

Hey what is a vesectomy anyways??

Kevin, Try it you'll like it. [:0]

Just kidding

Now who remembers THAT commercial. (And will show your age by admitting it.)

That has been running occaisionally on TV Land....so some young folks have seen it too!!!

 

underworld 

[spokyone]

(#99 reaches down and picks up #18.) Well, Mr. Manning. Lovey sends his regards.

[Railfan1]

[zardoz]

Shoulda held off till Monday, then the punch line would be " Da Bears von da Superbowl!"

That is NOT! going to happen.THE COLTS ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!

AHh Nope!

Sorry but the Colts are going to shoed and saddled, given cute frilly pink reigns and made to give pony rides to little girls

No one rides a Bear, not even Grizzly Adams

Keeping this for posterity!

[CNW 6000]

Shouldn't the proper answer be:

Who'd win the Super Bowl between the Colts and the Bears?
Chuck Norris!

[vsmith]

Shoulda held off till Monday, then the punch line would be " Da Bears von da Superbowl!"

That is NOT! going to happen.THE COLTS ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!

[espeefoamer]

Shoulda held off till Monday, then the punch line would be " Da Bears von da Superbowl!"

That is NOT! going to happen.THE COLTS ARE GOING TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL!!!

[Railfan1]

Why can't engineers be electrocuted?  Because their not couductors.

[vsmith]

Shoulda held off till Monday, then the punch line would be " Da Bears von da Superbowl!"

[zardoz]

Ole and Sven die and wake up in hell.  The devil stops in and sees them dressed in parkas and mittens, warming  themselves around the fire. The devil asks  them, "What are you doing?   Isn't it hot enough for you?"

Ole replies, "Vell, you know, ve're from nordern Visconsin, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance to varm up a little bit,  you know."

Later when the devil returns to the room of the two guys from Wisconsin he finds them in T-shirts, grilling walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves."  

Sven replies, "Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather back home in Visconsin, so ve've got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice."

The devil is so furious he can't see straight. Finally, he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives.  So, the devil decides to turn off all the heat in hell. The next morning, the temperature is 40 below zero.  Every person living in hell is shivering something awful.  Icicles are hanging everywhere. The devil smiles and heads for the room where Ole and Sven are living and finds them back in their parka and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.  The devil is dumbfounded.  "I can't understand.  When I turn up the heat you're happy.  Now it's freezing cold and you're still happy.  What's wrong with you two?" 

Ole and Sven looked at the devil in surprise and say, "Vell, don't ya know?  The Bears are going to the superbowl."

[Railfan1]

And on a HIGH note, this is post # 3000 for this thread!

Who knew there was so many of us Railfan/Comedians?

 

BTW, this is post #3001!

[Railfan1]

And on a HIGH note, this is post # 3000 for this thread!

Who knew there was so many of us Railfan/Comedians?

[vsmith]

And on a HIGH note, this is post # 3000 for this thread!

A man walks into a doctor's office and says,

"I've got a strawberry stuck up my butt." 

And the doctor says, "I've got some cream for that."

[vsmith]

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children started to discuss the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one youngster.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

Then a third child brought the argument to a close...

"They use the dog," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrant."

[vsmith]

Chris and John went duck hunting for the first time. They took decoys, shotguns, and camouflage hunting suits. Before they left,  a friend suggested that they bring a "dog to get the ducks."  They took his advice and off they went.

As noon time rolled around, the other hunters on the lake were heading back with boats filled with ducks, while Chris and John had not a single duck.

Chris asked "What do you think we're doing wrong?"

John replied "Maybe we're not throwing the dog high enough".

[vsmith]

Two Irishmen were in a lifeboat after their craft sank in a storm. After hours of floating aimlessly, one spotted an old lamp in the boat. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the amazement of the castaways, a genie appeared. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.   Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!"

[vsmith]

Stupid Joke: The Italian Tomato Garden

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.
Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love Vinnie

[vsmith]

Guy walks into a bar, sees a another guy standing at the bar with a car's steering wheel attached to his crotch, he asks "whats with the steering wheel?"..."Oh! I just hate it, its driving me nuts!"

[Datafever]

Quote of the day:

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

[JoeKoh]

overheard on paul harvey the other day...

did you hear the headline for the athiest in the paper? the headline in the obituary?

local athiest all dressed up and nowhere to go.

good day!

stay safe

joe

[miniwyo]

This is the transcript of a radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a Collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: This is the aircraft carrier USS Lincoln, the second largest ship in the United States' Atlantic fleet. We are accompanied by three destroyers, three cruisers and numerous support vessels. I demand that YOU change your course 15 degrees north, that's one five degrees north, or countermeasures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[miniwyo]

A Wyoming cowboy was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.

One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.

After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.

That evening, the man introduced Hillary to the evening beach ritual.

It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get "those feelings"again.

He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to Hillary, cautiously, and whispered in her ear....."Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?

[Datafever]

One nice thing about egotists ... they don't talk about other people.

[vsmith]

Tax time is near

Late-Night Jokes About Income Taxes and Tax Cuts

"Your taxes are due a week from today. You can make out your check directly to Halliburton. Or you can do what I'm going to do. I'm filing my first joint return. No, I'm not getting married, I'm sending the IRS an actual joint with a note that says, 'If you think I'm paying for this war, you must be high.'" --Bill Maher

"It's tax time and President Bush is saving a lot on taxes this year. He's writing off his entire second term." --David Letterman

"Vice President Dick Cheney's getting a tax refund of $1.9 million. How do you get a $1.9 million refund when your salary is $205,000 a year? How does that work? ... Apparently, he's writing off the guns and ammo as business expenses." --Jay Leno

"While [President Bush] was doing his taxes, under dependents he listed Scooter Libby, Tom DeLay and Jack Abramoff. Then he caught himself, 'Dependents? Oh, I thought it said defendants.'" --Jay Leno

"Last night in his speech, President Bush called for a complete overhaul of the tax code. He said he was shocked to find out that some millionaires in this country were still paying taxes." --Jay Leno

"65% of people say that cheating on your income tax is worse than cheating on your spouse. The other 35% were women." --Jay Leno

"President Bush's tax returns are a little different. He claimed the Christian Right as dependents, he declared the 2000 election as a gift, and he tried to write off all the mileage he got from 9/11." --Bill Maher

"Alan Greenspan, our Fed chairman, said that Bush's budget is such a mess that we're going to have to either cut spending, raise taxes or start a national sales tax. You know what that means -- war with Syria." --Bill Maher

"President Bush says he's going to simplify the tax code. Only the states that are blue will have to pay." --David Letterman

"President Bush said yesterday it doesn't make any sense to raise taxes on the rich because rich people can figure out how to dodge taxes. Then Dick Cheney said 'Shut up! You're ruining everything.'" --Jay Leno

"This week, President Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney released their tax returns. Cheney made more money than the president. When asked about it, the president said, 'That's true, but he also made more decisions.'" -Conan O'Brien

"The IRS said today anyone with a refund coming from their 2001 taxes will lose it if they don't pick it up by April 15th. If it is more then three years they will just keep it. How come it doesn't work that way with back taxes?" -Jay Leno

"We ought to thank President Bush. He made it a lot easier for people to do taxes this year. No job, no income tax this year." -Jay Leno

"Earlier today, the White House released President Bush's tax return. Not surprisingly, under dependents, the president listed Iraq." -Conan O'Brien

"President Bush released his tax returns yesterday. He listed the economy as a liability. He gets to write that off." -Jay Leno

"Technically, you're not paying taxes. According to the Bush administration, your bank account is being liberated." -Jay Leno

"Today the IRS gave some guidelines on how to avoid getting audited. Number one, don't list deductions that will raise a red flag. Number two, make sure you file on time. Number three, don't make any stupid anti-war speech at the Academy Awards." -Jay Leno

"The IRS now says you can deduct weight loss plans off your taxes. You can write it off because the government has officially declared obesity a disease. And it's a disease, you can deduct medical expenses. That shows what a difference an administration can make. See under Bush, obesity is a disease. Under Clinton it was just sexy." -Jay Leno

"At last night's debate, Democrats attacked President Bush saying his tax cuts for the rich bankrupt the middle class. And Bush said 'Hey, thanks for the new slogan.'" -Craig Kilborn

"Monday, April 15th, taxes are due. I just don't pay them. Yeah, this year Arthur Anderson did my taxes, I'm getting $6 billion back." -Conan O'Brien

"Yesterday the IRS announced that obese Americans are entitled to certain tax breaks. Apparently, under the new rules, you're allowed to claim two or more chins as dependents." -Conan O'Brien

"If your accountant is Arthur Anderson ... today is the last day you could have your tax documents shredded by April 15th." -David Letterman

"I hate to be the one to remind you, but just pretty soon it is going to be April 15th, it is going to be tax time. You know what I am saying? Are you ready? Well you know when something like this happens New Yorkers always try to put the best face they can on a situation. For example the hookers in Times Square, for an extra $50 they will handle your extension." -David Letterman

[Datafever]

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.