Homeland security system in South Carolina
Just for tough old hoggers
Which station covered that? I would have just laughed at him.
RJ
"Something hidden, Go and find it. Go and look behind the ranges, Something lost behind the ranges. Lost and waiting for you. Go." The Explorers - Rudyard Kipling
http://sweetwater-photography.com/
A little Cajun humor...
Boudreaux died and was on his way down to Hell. In anticipation, the Devil turned up the thermostat to make it extra warm for Boudreaux.
When Boudreaux arrived, the Devil asked, "Hey Boudreaux, how do you like the heat down here?"
Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's just fine. It reminds me of Bayou PonPon in July."
That made the Devil mad. That night, he turned the thermostat up all the way it could go. Man it was hot! When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "NOW how do you like it down here?"
Boudreaux says, "Mais, it's fine. It reminds me of August on Bayou Lafourche."
As you might expect, that made the Devil all the more mad. Well, that night, he turned the thermostat down all the way it could go! The whole place frosted over. Icicles started forming from the rafters. When Boudreaux woke up, the Devil asked him, "How you like it NOW, Boudreaux?"
Boudreaux, shivering, through blue lips, says, "Mais cher, I'm one happy Cajun!"
The Devil was infuriated! He yelled, "What do you mean you're one happy Cajun?!!"
Boudreaux, still shivering says, "The Saints done won the Superbowl!"
Ryan BoudreauxThe Piedmont Division Modeling The Southern Railway, Norfolk & Western & Norfolk Southern in HO during the merger eraCajun Chef Ryan
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ... He mated 50 times last year?... that's almost once a week. They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one." The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow." NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and the doctors say after months of rehab and a couple more surgeries he will likely be okay.
a guy is driving down the street in his truck.he stops for a stop sign. a blonde lady comes up knocks on his window and says hi I'm heather.you are losing your load from your truck.the guy just keeps driving.he then stops at a red light and sure enough heather is there knocking on his window."excuse me sir but your losing your load!" well he rolls his eyes and keeps going. he stops at another stop sign.quickly he gets out and taps on heathers car window before she can get back out.he says hi I'm kevin! its winter here in wisconsin and I'm putting salt down on the roads for your safety.
stay safe
joe
Deshler Ohio-crossroads of the B&O Matt eats your fries.YUM! Clinton st viaduct undefeated against too tall trucks!!!(voted to be called the "Clinton St. can opener").
Electric Trains
While working as a mall Santa, I had many children ask for electric trains. "If you get a train," I would tell each one, "you know your dad is going to want to play with it too. Is that okay?" The usual answer was a quick yes, but after I asked one boy this question, he became very quiet. Trying to move the conversation along, I asked what else he would like Santa to bring him. He promptly replied, "Another train."
Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!!
How to keep a healthy level of Insanity
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and mark it "IN."
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their coffee addiction, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
8. Dont use any punctuation marks (actually that drives Forum members crazy now)
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name: "Rock Hard Kim."
17. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream "I won! I won! Third time this week!!!"
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"
19. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."
And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.....
20. Send this list to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or asked you not to send them stuff like this...
Larry Resident Microferroequinologist (at least at my house) Everyone goes home; Safety begins with you My Opinion. Standard Disclaimers Apply. No Expiration Date Come ride the rails with me! There's one thing about humility - the moment you think you've got it, you've lost it...
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc. This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a pokey 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.
4.The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized Lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight. On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine. We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.
5. 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as space crafts reentering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each. In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second. Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.
In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now!
* The lowest managerial priority is customer service, but the highest priority is persecuting the workers.
* The only person who can get three days off in a week is the general manager.
* Being promoted to a supervisor is actually a demotion considering the fact that you just sold your soul.
* The arrogance level of any given member of management is inversely proportional to their intelligence quotient.
* Don't worry about management's stepping in to do workers' jobs during a strike. They can't run the place with us, so how can they run it without us?
* Don't ever get caught reading anything on the job; the management want to keep us as clueless as they are.
* All managers suffer from selective amnesia; they can only remember Union contract agreements when it benefits their cause.
* The amount of favoritism you receive from management is directly proportional to the amount of a** you kiss and inversely proportional to the quality of work you perform.
* Whenever management posts a letter of thanks to the workers, the employees will again be treated like crap within two minutes of the posting.
* The chances that an employee's idea will ever be implemented are inversely proportional to its ultimate good.
* A new supervisor who has worked for only two days is always construed to know more than workers who have worked in the company for years.
* As soon as a supervisor is promoted to a manager, an inexplicable, sudden drop of 50 IQ points will occur.
* The accountability of the workers is inversely proportional to the accountability of the supervisors and managers.
* If management accidentally discovers that an employee is smart, more work will be expected from that employee.
* Succeeding at the workplace is simply a matter of rising above everyone else's incompetence.
* The more a worker gets yelled at by a manager, the more that worker can take comfort in the fact that they are right.
* In the workplace, incompetence perpetuates itself.
* If a rule does not exist that supports the position of management, they will make one up on the spot.
* You will never get paid for any overtime or extra hours you work unless you catch the forthcoming error and report it to the same management who tried to get away with it in the first place.
* Whenever a new rule or procedure is implemented, the employees must be given either no notice or as little notice as possible.
* The greatest possible threat to any given manager is an employee who is smarter than they are.
* Whenever management comes out with a so-called "policy," it is merely an attempt on their part to circumvent a provision in the Union contract that they don't like.
* In the workplace, managerial incompetence flows from the top on down.
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you don't eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods (Milk Duds, Buttered Popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots, Tootsie Rolls, etc.) do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one's personal fuel.
7. Cookie pieces contain no fat-- the process of breaking causes fat leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. Examples are peanut butter on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate.
NOTE: Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
10. Foods that are frozen have no calories because calories are units of heat. Examples are ice cream, frozen pies, and Popsicles.
Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.
Umfriend: A sexual relationship between friends or a concealed intimate relationship, as in "This is Sarah, my...um...friend."
Yuppie Food Stamps: The ubiquitous $20 bills spewed out of ATMs everywhere. Often used when trying to split the bill after a meal: "We all owe $8 each, but all anybody's got is yuppie food stamps."
Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, shits over everything and then leaves
Blowing your buffer: Losing your train of thought.
Salmon day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed in the end.
Chainsaw consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the brass with clean hands.
Career-limiting move (CLM): Used among microserfs to describe ill-advised activity. Trashing your boss while he or she is within earshot is a serious CLM.
Depotphobia: Fear associated with entering a Home Depot because of how much money one might spend. Electronics geeks experience Shackophobia or Frysaphobia.
Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
Dilberted: To be exploited and oppressed by your boss. Derived from the experiences of Dilbert, the geek-in-hell comic strip character. "I've been dilberted again. The old man revised the specs for the fourth time this week."
Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave the company or department soon.
404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found", meaning that the requested document could not be located. "Don't bother asking him...he's 404."
Generica: Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, sub-divisions. Used as in "We were so lost in generica that I forgot what city we were in."
GOOD Job - A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job: A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
Keyboard Plaque: The disgusting buildup of dirt and crud found on computer keyboards.
Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake.
Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a "cube farm" (an office full of cubicles) and everyone's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
Telephone Number Salary : A salary (or project budget) that has seven digits.
1. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
2. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
3. There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
4. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
5. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
6. Sometimes too much to drink is not enough.
7. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
8. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
9. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
10. Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.
11. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
12. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
13. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
14. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
15. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
16. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
17. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
18. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
19. By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.
20. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
21. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
22. This is as bad as it can get, but don't count on it.
23. Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
24. The trouble with life is, you're halfway through it before you realize it's a do-it-yourself thing.
25. Youth and skill are no match for experience and treachery.
26. No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck.
27. Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing.
28. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it.
29. Never pass a snow plow on the right.
30. Morning people: "Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."
Night people: "Anybody who goes to bed the same day they got up is a quitter."
10. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
9. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
8. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
6. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
5. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
4. "This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better."
3. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
1. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
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