From a site (http://laughlab.co.uk/) that did actual joke research (why certain cultures found certain types of humor funny):
Just for fun, they had the LaughLab computer count the number of words in every joke that people submitted. According to the data, jokes containing one hundred and three words are the funniest. Interestingly, the winning ‘hunters’ joke is 102 words long – almost the perfect length for a joke!
Many of the jokes submitted contained reference to animals. We found that jokes mentioning ducks were seen as funnier than other jokes. And so it’s official – ducks are the funniest comedy animals. Perhaps it’s because of their beaks, or webbed feet, or odd shape. Regardless, the implication is clear – if you are going to tell a joke involving an animal, make it a duck.
Our computers recorded the date and time that each person from the UK rated the jokes in LaughLab. Careful analysis of the data revealed that people found the jokes funniest on the 7th October at 6.03 in the evening. Perhaps we have scientifically discovered the funniest moment of the year.
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Top joke in UKA woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top joke in USAThe American data proved to be somewhat strange. Dave Barry is a well known humourist whose columns are syndicated in many American newspapers. In January 2002 he kindly devoted an entire column to LaughLab. At the end of the column he urged readers to submit jokes that simply ended with the punch line:‘There's a weasel chomping on my privates.’ Within just a few days we had received over 1500 ‘weasel chomping’ jokes. One weasel joke scored very highly in the USA and almost became the funniest joke in America. Here it is:At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil's wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.” “Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.” However, ignoring the weasels, the top American joke was…A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.” ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top joke in CanadaWhen NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top joke in AustraliaThis woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out. She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?” The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....” ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top joke in BelgiumWhy do ducks have webbed feet?To stamp out fires.Why do elephants have flat feet?To stamp out burning ducks.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top joke in GermanyA general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly. The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say: “That's not it” and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested. The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said: “That's it.”
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We also asked participants from the UK to tell us whether they were from Wales, Scotland, -England or Northern Ireland. Our data has revealed that the Welsh found the jokes funniest, followed by the English, then people from Northern Ireland and then the Scots.Here are the top jokes from the regions.Top Joke in EnglandTwo weasels are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!" The other says, "Go home dad you’re drunk."-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top Joke in WalesA turtle was walking down an alley in New York when he was mugged by a gang of snails. A police detective came to investigate and asked the turtle if he could explain what happened. The turtle looked at the detective with a confused look on his face and replied "I don't know, it all happened so fast."-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top Joke in ScotlandI want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like his passengers.-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------Top Joke in Northern IrelandA doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'.'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.
dmoore74 wrote: Trunk Monkeys Check out these ads for a car dealer. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8avOiTUcD4Y
Trunk Monkeys
Check out these ads for a car dealer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8avOiTUcD4Y
23 17 46 11
In 1905 there was a revolution of sorts taking place down in Mexico, and the leader of this so-called revolution was a Mexican bandit who's name was Pancho Villa. He was wanted by both the U.S. authorities and the Mexican Federalies.
One morning a detatchment of U.S. soldiers were out searching for Pancho Villa along the U.S./Mexican border when they came upon an old farmer who was riding his donkey to the nearby markets. They stopped the old man and they asked him if he had seen Pancho Villa. And this is what the old farmer had said to them;
"Si, Senores. Yesterday I was riding my donkey to the markets when I was confronted by this fierce looking hombre who was riding a white stallion. He pulled his gun out and he ordered me to get off my donkey. What could I do, Senores? He had a gun on me. So I got off my donkey. He then ordered me to get down and eat donkey poop. What could I do, Senores? He had a gun on me. So I got down and and I ate it. By this time he was laughing so hard that he dropped his gun, I grabbed it and I ordered him to get off his horse. What could he do, Senores? I had his gun on him. So he got off his horse. I then ordered him to get down and eat horse ockey. What could he do, Senores? I had his gun on him. So he got down and he ate it."
"And you are asking me if I had seen Pancho Villa?! Well hell, yesterday we had lunch together!!!"
CANADIANPACIFIC2816
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.He asked one man "Why are you eating grass?" "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass.""Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said. But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree." "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us also."The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!" "Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you." The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place - the grass is almost a foot high!"
It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast; eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All of this was just too wonderful for words", he said; "But what's the dollar for"? "Well", she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said; "Screw him. Give him a dollar". "The breakfast was my idea!!"
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute."Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again."Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.”To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.”
College Entrance Exam For Football Players
You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.1. What language is spoken in France?2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d)Swedish (e) Agnostic5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
A professor was wrapping up class and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death.
One smart-mouth student asked, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" and the whole classroom burst into laughter. After the laughter subsided, the prof glared at the student and said, "Not an excuse -- you can use your other hand to write".
zardoz wrote:Top 20 Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery 1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" 3. Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie. 4. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. 5. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? 6. There go the lights again... 7. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em." 8. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! 9. Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing my concentration off. 10. Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right? 11. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change? 12. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? 13. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? 14. What do you mean "You want a divorce!" 15. Fire! Fire! Everyone get out. 16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing. 17. Oh, look everyone. It's lunch time. 18. The foot bone's connected to the, leg bone... 19. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?! 20. Hey, if you pull on this it makes a funny noise.
1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
3. Hand me that...uh...that uh...thingie.
4. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
5. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
6. There go the lights again...
7. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys...and this guy's got two of 'em."
8. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
9. Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing my concentration off.
10. Sterile, schmerile. The floor's clean, right?
11. What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
12. This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
13. Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
14. What do you mean "You want a divorce!"
15. Fire! Fire! Everyone get out.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing.
17. Oh, look everyone. It's lunch time.
18. The foot bone's connected to the, leg bone...
19. That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
20. Hey, if you pull on this it makes a funny noise.
In the operating room, at the start of the C-section for our youngest son, the doctor turns to the nurse and says: "Can you get me another scalpel? This one is really dull!"
Thanks to Chris / CopCarSS for my avatar.
You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.
You have time to shave only one leg at a time.
You hide in the bathroom to be alone.
Your kid throws-up and you catch it.
Someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.
As you cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.
You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.
You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.
You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"
You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.
You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.
You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job", but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything".
1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
4. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
5. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
6. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
7. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one meter above the ground.
8. You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
9. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
10. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
11. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
12. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages but requires 6 pages for hockey.
13. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
14. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
15. Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
16. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
17. You head south to go to your cottage.
18. You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't prowl on your deck.
19. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
20. The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo it's sausage making.
21. You find -40C a little chilly.
22. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
23. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorels.
24. You can play road hockey on skates.
25. You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and Construction.
26. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
27. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
28. You perk up when you hear the theme from "Hockey Night in Canada
You Know You're Getting Old When:
Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bifocals.
You feel like the night after, and you haven't been anywhere.
Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
You get winded playing chess.
Your children begin to look middle aged.
You're still chasing women but can't remember why.
A dripping faucet causes an uncontrollable bladder urge.
You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
You look forward to a dull evening.
You walk with your head high trying to get used to your bifocals.
Your favorite part of the newspaper is "25 Years Ago Today..."
You turn out the light for economic reasons rather than romantic ones.
You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
You regret all those mistakes resisting temptation.
After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
Dialing long distance wears you out.
You're startled the first time you are addressed as an old timer.
You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
The best part of your day is over when your alarm clock goes off.
You burn the midnight oil until 9 pm.
Your back goes out more often than you do.
A fortune teller offers to read your face.
Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl go by.
The little grey haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
You have too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
* It's okay... I'm still billing the client.
* They told me at the blood bank this might happen.
* This is just a 15-minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.
* I was working smarter, not harder.
* Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.
* I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
* This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
* I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
* I'm in the management-training program.
* This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
* Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
* The coffee machine is broken....
* Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot.
* Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!
* It worked well for Reagan, didn't it?
* I was cross-training for telecommuting.
* Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
Instead of Astrological Signs, how about these .. What's Your Business Sign?
1) MARKETING You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2) SALES Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3)TECHNOLOGY Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4) ENGINEERING One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
5) ACCOUNTING The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumours concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6) HUMAN RESOURCES Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
7) MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8) SENIOR MANAGEMENT
(See above - Same sign, different title)
9) CUSTOMER SERVICE Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
10) CONSULTANT Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11)RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12)PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13) GOVERNMENT WORKER Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job...Thus the term "GO POSTAL"
1) The floor is considered an acceptable clothing storage location.
2) Never ask me to purchase feminine products. Assume that I will come home with the wrong thing.
3) When watching TV hugging is always fine because I can still see the screen. Kissing should only be done during timeouts and commercials. Questions should also be limited to this period as you stand a much better chance of getting an immediate response.
4) When we are watching your show and I change the channels during a commercial do not hassle me that they are over to change the channel back. I always know when the timing is right. Also, when we are channel surfing do not ask me to go back, there was a good reason why I skipped it.
5) If you need help with the laundry, I am more than willing to carry it from the bedroom to the washer. In my mind this is half the chore and I am now free to return to the couch.
6) If I mention that a male friend of mine is allowed to do something it is not necessary for you to call his wife/girlfriend to discuss it.
7) If you don't like the way I am driving close your eyes. And I would appreciate it if you would refrain from making that reverse inhaling alarmed noise. I haven't hit anything yet and if I do it will be your fault.
8) I go clothes shopping to buy, never to look.
9) Just tell me what you want me to wear before I get dressed. And remember that this takes me less than ten minutes no matter what the occasion is. After all I am getting dressed, not getting ready.
10) Don't ask me if I prefer one outfit over another or if a certain accessory should be worn or not. I consider this a no win situation and would rather just wait for you to get dressed while watching TV.
11) If you want me to put the seat down when I am finished then you should leave the seat up when you are finished. It's only fair. And stop giving me a hard time about missing the bowl. What do you expect from an organ that has a brain of its own.
12) I will cook anything as long as it is on the BBQ.
13) Yelling to me across the house sounds exactly like stadium crowd background noise to me. I am not ignoring you.
10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone, "Hell."
9. Your friends call to ask you how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Get off my back!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "in" box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't give a damn.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to pee.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You sleep more at work than at home.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase.
2. Your Day-Timer exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.
With Viagra such a hit, drug companies are bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented toward improving the performance of men in today's society.
Here's a list of what's on the drawing board:
DIRECTRA: A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop to ask directions when they got lost, compared to 0.2 percent of a control group.
PROJECTRA: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA: Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child care tasks - especially cleaning up spills and "little accidents."
COMPLIMENTRA: In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men who were given this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. It is currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA: Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweethearts expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: Whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorite store's return period.
NEGASPORTAGRA: This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
FLATULAGRA: This complex drug converts men's noxious intestinal gases back into food solids. Special bonus: Dosage can be doubled for long car rides.
FLYAGRA: This drug has been showing great promise in treating men with O.F.D. (Open Fly disorder). Especially useful for men on Viagra.
PRYAGRA: About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special prosecutors."
LIAGRA: This drug causes men to be less than truthful. Available in Regular, Grand Jury, and Presidential Strength versions.
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!
5. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
6. Sorry Officer, I was day dreaming.
7. Are we going to be on that TV show "COPS"?
8. Oh good, it just you. I thought it was that bounty hunter after me!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Do you know how stupid you look in that costume?
11. Look, I'm really in a hurry. I need to make it to the FBI building with this fertilizer and chemicals before it closes today.
12. Lets play "Cops & Robbers". I'm the Cop and your the Robber. Ok?
13. I pay your salary!
14. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
15. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
16. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
17. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around-that's how far ahead of me they are.
18. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
19. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
20. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody's home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter.
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