Morris the loudmouth mechanic was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car when he spotted the famous heart surgeon Dr. Michael DeBakey, who was standing off to the side, waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his Mercedes.
Morris shouted across the garage, "Hey DeBakey! Is dat you? Come on ova' here a minute."
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to where Morris the mechanic was working on the car. Morris straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked argumentatively, "So Mr. Fancy Doctor, look at dis here work. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind 'em, put in new parts, and when I finish dis baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get da big bucks, when you an' me is doing basically da same work?"
Dr. DeBakey leaned over and whispered to Morris the loudmouth mechanic.
"Try doing it with the engine running."
Ole and Lena lived out on a farm and Lena was pregnant. When it came time for Lena to have her baby, Ole went out to the barn and fired up his John Deere tractor and took Lena into town to the hospital. Ole was in the delivery room with Ole and the doctor and when the child was delivered, the doctor turned to Ole and said, "Congratulations, Ole! You and Lena now have a little boy!" "But wait, there's another one on the way!" Pretty soon the doctor turns to Ole and says to him, "Congratulations Ole, this time you've got a little girl!" Ole is beside himself with joy and doesn't quite know what to think of this situation, when all of a sudden, the doctor tells him that onother child is on it's way to being born, and this time it's another boy.
Lena spends a couple days in the hospital just recovering from the ordeal of giving birth to three children. Ole goes out to the barn and he fires up the John Deere combine to make the trip into town to the hospital to fetch Lena and his three new children. On the way home, he tells Lena that he can't believe that they are the proud parents of three babies, let alone one! Lena says to Ole, "Ole, ya remember dat time vhen ve vere makin' love and I didn't have any lubricant? Ya remember dat you vent out to da shop and you got dat 3-in-One oil?" Ole's response was, "Ya! Good Heavens! It's a good ting I didn't grab da WD-40!!!"
CANADIANPACIFIC2816
"There's a train down at the station, it's come to carry my bones away. With two engines on, twenty-one coaches long. End to end, twenty-one coaches bend. If I wait for the right moment, you can bet I'll climb aboard unseen, I've done it before, you know I can do it in my sleep. The watchman's out, kicking the bums about, the watchman's out, kicking your dreams about. It's like a song, knowing the watchman's gone. Gordon Lightfoot
Moses, Jesus, and another player were out playing golf one day.
Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. It landed in the fairway but rolled directly toward a water trap. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.
Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water trap. It landed directly in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped it up onto the green.
The other player got up and sort of randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into on-coming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there it bounced onto the roof of a nearby shack and rolled down into the gutter, down the downspout, out onto the fairway and right toward the same pond. On the way to the pond, it hit a little stone and bounced out over the water, onto a lily pad where it rested quietly. Suddenly, a very large bullfrog jumped up on the lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they pass over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the hole for a beautiful hole in one.
Moses then turned to Jesus and said, "I hate playing with your Dad."
The differences between men & women.
A guy named Ron is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts and they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither of them is seeing anyone else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine. Without really thinking, she says it aloud, "Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
And then there is silence in the car.
To Elaine it seemed like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself,"Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Ron is thinking, "Gosh. Six months."
Then Elaine is thinking, "But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward. I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?"
And Ron is thinking, "So that means it was...let's see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer, which means...lemme check the odometer. Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here."
Elaine is thinking, "He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment -- maybe he has sensed - even before I sensed it - that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected."
And Roger is thinking, And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they'd better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves six hundred dollars."
And Elaine is thinking, "He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. I feel so guilty putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure."
And Ron is thinking, "They'll probably say it's only a ninety-day warranty. Scumbags."
And Elaine is thinking, "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right here next to a perfectly good person, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy."
And Ron is thinking, "Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their..."
"Ron," Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Ron, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. "Maybe I never should have. Oh God, I feel so." (She breaks down, sobbing.)
"What?" says Ron.
"I'm such a fool," Elaine sobs. "I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse."
"There's no horse?" says Ron.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" Elaine says.
"No!" says Ron, glad to finally know the correct answer.
"It's just that...it's that I. I need some time," Elaine says.
(There is a fifteen-second pause while Ron, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes," he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.) "Oh, Ron, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Ron.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Ron. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Ron," she says.
"Thank you," says Ron.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed -- a conflicted, tortured soul -- and weeps until dawn.
Ron gets back to his place, opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he just doesn't think about it.
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, every expression, every gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it either.
Meanwhile, Ron, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown and say, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is the difference between men and women.
RJ
"Something hidden, Go and find it. Go and look behind the ranges, Something lost behind the ranges. Lost and waiting for you. Go." The Explorers - Rudyard Kipling
http://sweetwater-photography.com/
"Da Finkers"
Ole vas working at the fish plant up nort in Dulut, Minnesota vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in da Clinik and vhen he got dere, da old Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said to him, "Let's have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do." Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."Vhat do you mean you haven't got da finkers?", da doctor said. "Lord, it's 2006! Ve's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible, new tecniques. I could haf put da finkers back on and made you like brand new! Vhy didn't you brink da finkers??"
Ole's response was, "How was I supposed to pick dem up?"
"There was a time in this fair land when the railroad did not run, when the wild majestic mountains stood alone against the sun, long before the white man and long before the wheel, when the green, dark forest was too silent to be real." Gordon Lightfoot
When Johnny was little, he and his parents lived next to a gentleman who happened to be an old cowboy. This old cowboy would often join Johnny and his folks for breakfast. One morning Johnny and the old cowboy were having breakfast together when the cowboy looked at Johnny and said to him, "Johnny, if you want to grow up as big and strong as I am, you should sprinkle a little bit of gun powder on your oatmeal every morning.
Johnny took the old cowboy's advice and he did this every day for the rest of his life. Johnny lived to the ripe old age of 102, and when he died, he left behind his 14 children, 36 grand children, 12 great-grand children, and a 12 foot hole in the wall of the funeral home's crematorium!!!
Zardoz,
Still causing many a chuckle I see. Thank you, Long may you and the others continue the same.
From one of our television programmes -
A boat sinks way off the coast. The 5 men and one woman board are saved by holding onto a flimsy rope suspended from a helicopter.
The woman volunteers to sacrifice herself, "because women always do that for men".
The 5 men all applaud her. Guess who's saved !
Germanium.
Are you aware that Jeff Foxworthy is now picking on Michigan? Read on. (pretty funny and accurate)....Makes me miss home!!If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Michigan.If you're proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Michigan.If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Michigan.If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of the year, you might live in Michigan.If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don't work there, you might live in Michigan.If your dad's suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, you might live in Michigan.If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time, you might live in Michigan.If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Michigan.If you have had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you might live in Michigan.
Part 2 - You know you're a true Michigander when...
1. "Vacation" means going up north on I-75.2. You measure distance in hours.3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.4. You often switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching.6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.9. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.10. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.11. You know all four seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.12. You can identify a southern or eastern accent.13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.14. You were unaware that there is a legal drinking age.15. Down South to you means Ohio.16. A brat is something you eat.17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.19. Your Fourth of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.20. You have more miles on your snow blower than on your car.21. You find 0 degrees "a little chilly."22. You drink pop and bake with soda.23. Your doctor tells you to drink Vernors and you know it's not medicine.24. You can actually drink Vernors without coughing25. You know what a Yooper is.26. You think owning a Honda is Un-American.27. You know that UP is a place, not a direction.28. You know it's possible to live in a thumb.29. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing to wear is a Kevlar vest.30. You actually understand these jokes, and you forward them to all your Michigan friends.
Carl
Railroader Emeritus (practiced railroading for 46 years--and in 2010 I finally got it right!)
CAACSCOCOM--I don't want to behave improperly, so I just won't behave at all. (SM)
Sad news...Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
We must polish the Polish furniture.
He could lead if he would get the lead out.
The farm was used to produce produce.
The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
This was a good time to present the present.
A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
I did not object to the object.
The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
The bandage was wound around the wound.
There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
They were too close to the door to close it.
The buck does funny things when the does are present.
They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.
To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
After a number of injections my jaw got number.
Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.
I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
She could not live with a live mouse in the house.
It was just a minute *** and over in a minute.
His mistake was putting his left foot forward while putting.
We would probably read more Shakespeare if we understood what we read.
There was a bow tied in the ropes on the bow of the ship.
You should spring that on us next spring!
Welcome to Chicago!
First, you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Chi-caw-go, or Cha-ca-ga, depending on if you live North or South of Roosevelt Rd.Next, if your road map is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If you are in Naperville and your map is one day old, then it is already obsolete.Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Chicago has its own version of traffic rules... "Hold on and pray."
There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Chicago. We all drive like that.
All directions start with, "I-94"... which has no beginning and no end.
The morning rush hour is from 4am to 10am. The afternoon rush hour is from 10am to 3pm.The evening rush hour is from 3pm to 2am. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out and, if you happen to be on the south side, possibly shot. When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic but be prepared to hear the horns from all the cars behind you because you didn't immediately start moving.
Construction on Northwest Tollway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooooo much fun with that we have added Elgin O'Hare and the I-355 to the mix, as well as the Dan Ryan (I55).
All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Cicero!"If someone actually has their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators.All old ladies with blue hair in Mercedes have the right of way. Period!
First Ave, LaGrange Rd, Pulaski, NW Highway...all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections.
If you are asking directions in Cicero you must have knowledge of Spanish. In Bridgeport, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on the West or South side, you'd better be armed.
A trip across town (east to west) will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75.The minimum acceptable speed on the Dan Ryan is 85. Anything less is considered downright sissy.
The wrought iron on windows near Englewood and Austin is NOT ornamental.
The Eisenhower Expressway is our daily version of NASCAR.The Dan Ryan is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."
If it's 100 degrees, it's Taste of Chicago time. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, it's opening day at Sox Park. If it has rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Western open Golf Classic is in the second round. If you go to Wrigley Field, pay the $25 to park in the "Cubs Lot". Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, etc. If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard', run over him.
(We don't know if this stuff is really true or not, but it sure sounds good ...)
Next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be...
Here are some facts from the 1500's
Most people got married in June, because they took their yearly bath in May and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, next all the other sons and men, next the women and finally the children; last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it; hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water".
Houses had thatched roofs (thick straw) piled high, with no wood beneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof; hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs".
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really mess up a bed. A bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection; hence canopy beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt, and only the wealthy had something other than dirt; hence the saying "dirt poor".
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entryway; hence a "threshold".
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while; hence the rhyme, "peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot - nine days old".
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon". They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat".
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leak onto the food causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top or the "upper crust".
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days, and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up; hence the custom of "holding a wake".
England is old and small, and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside, and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin, up through the ground, and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night on the "graveyard shift" to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer".
And that's the real truth...
Whoever said that History was boring?!
1 Tsp. Sugar1 or 2 Quarts of Rum1 Cup Dried FruitBrown Sugar1 Tsp. Soda1 Cup Butter2 Large Eggs1 Cup Baking Powder3 Juiced Lemons1 Cup of Nuts
Before starting, sample rum to check quality. Good, isn't it? Now proceed.
Select large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc.
Check rum again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of proper quality, pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat.
With electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 seaspoon of thusar and beat again.
Meanwhile, make sure rum is still alrighty. Try another cup. Open second quart if necessary.
Add leggs, 2 cups of fried druit and beat til high. If druit gets stuck in beaters, pry loose with drewscriber.
Sample rum again, checking for tonscisticity.
Next, sift 3 cups pepper or salt (really doesn't matter).
Sample rum.
Sift 1/2 pint lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add 1 bablespoon of brown sugar-or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven. Turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Pour mess into boven and ake.
Check run again and bo to ged.
..ADN HALPIE HOLIGLAZE TWO YA'ALL!
The following diet is designed to help you cope with the stress, paranoia, depression and delusion that builds during the holidays...
Breakfast:
RULES FOR THIS DIET:
STRESSED spelled backwards=DESSERTS
THEN: Long Hair NOW: Longing for hair.
THEN: The perfect high. NOW: The perfect high yield mutual fund.
THEN: Keg. NOW: EKG.
THEN: Acid Rock. NOW: Acid Reflux.
THEN: Moving to California because it's cool. NOW: Moving to California because it's warm.
THEN: You're growing pot. NOW: Your growing pot belly.
THEN: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
NOW: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.
THEN: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
NOW: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
THEN: Seeds and stems. NOW: Roughage.
THEN: Popping pills, smoking joints. NOW: Popping joints.
THEN: Our president's struggle with Fidel. NOW: Our president's struggle with fidelity.
THEN: Paar. NOW: AARP.
THEN: Being caught with Hustler magazine. NOW: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
THEN: Killer weed. NOW: Weed killer.
THEN: Hoping for a BMW. NOW: Hoping for a BM.
THEN: The Grateful Dead. NOW: Dr. Kevorkian.
THEN: Going out to a new, hip joint. NOW: Getting a new hip joint.
THEN: Rolling Stones. NOW: Kidney stones.
THEN: Being called into the principal's office. NOW: Calling the principal's office.
THEN: Screw the system! NOW: Upgrade the system.
THEN: Peace sign. NOW: Mercedes logo.
THEN: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
NOW: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
THEN: Taking acid. NOW: Taking antacid.
THEN: Passing the driver's test. NOW: Passing the vision test.
THEN: Swanson's Mushy chicken in an aluminum platter.
NOW: Lean Cuisine's Mushy chicken in a plastic bag.
THEN: "Whatever" NOW: "Depends"
You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
You can live without sex but not without glasses.
Your back goes out more than you do.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
You are proud of your lawn mower.
Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.
You call Olan Mills before they call you.
Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
You sing along with the elevator music.
You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
You make an appointment to see the dentist.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
Neighbors borrow your tools
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"
You answer a question with, "because I said so!"
You send money to PBS.
The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
You take a metal detector to the beach.
You wear black socks with sandals.
You know what the word "equity" means.
You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.
Your ears are hairier than your head.
You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
You got cable for the weather channel.
You can go bowling without drinking.
You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
As Tim Chgo9 indicates; truth can be stranger than fiction.
I OWE MY MOTHER, (Who was always ahead of her time!)
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don 't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!" 4. My mother taught me LOGIC. " Because I said so, that's why." 5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me." 6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident." 7. My mother taught me IRONY.. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about." 8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper." 9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!" 10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone." 11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it." 12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!" 13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out." 14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!" 15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do." 16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home." 17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when you get home !" 18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way." 19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me." 21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up." 22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father." 23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?" 24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand." 25. My mother taught me about FRIENDSHIP. "One day you'll have friends, Treat them well, and they will be there for you when you are down, and need them. I will not always be here for you." 26. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"
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