Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[dmoore74]

You can write your own caption....

When the Rough gets a little too rough, you need the Binford 6100 AWD Golf Cart. <grunts>

 STRANDED IRISHMAN

 

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for  more than 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.   He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."   And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

 

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

 

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

 

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

 

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.   He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and b'gorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

 

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish  Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

 

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

 

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.  He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman.  "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

 

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

 

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!   Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

 

[WITH SINCERE APPOLOGIES TO CShaveRR AND TO MURPHY SIDING WHO POINTED OUT THAT I HAD FAILED TO ORIGINALLY DELIVER THE PUNCH LINE--SO HERE IT IS!]  

Thanks for pointing that out,Guys....

Guess this proves that history does repeat itself.  I posted this story in March 2005 with the punchline included.  Takes a while to review all the archives for previously told stories.

[Anonymous]

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and
your horse is unable to overtake it. Behind you is a running lion.

What must you do to get out of this dangerous situation safely?



If you don't know, see answer below.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Get your drunk *** off the merry-go-round.

[Anonymous]

Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge,
He put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: "Free to good home. You want it, you take it." For three days the fridge sat there without even
One person looking twice at it. He eventually decided that people were
Too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be true, so he changed
The sign to read: "Fridge for sale $50." The next day someone stole it. Caution...
They Walk Among Us
====================
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
Direction was north because, he explained, he didn't want the sun waking
Him up every morning. She asked, "Does the sun rise in the north?" When
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime,
She shook her head and said, "Oh, I don't keep up with that stuff."
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I got a
Call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was open. I told him, "The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week."
He responded, "Is that Eastern or Pacific time?" Wanting
To end the call quickly, I said, "Uh, Pacific" . .
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but "didn't think she'd get sunburned because the car was moving". . They Walk Among Us!
====================
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it's designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount....
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an
Earring by a chain. My friend said, "Wouldn't the chain rip out every time she turned her head?" I explained that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands. "Now," she asked me, "has your plane arrived yet?"...
They Walk Among Us!
====================
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. "Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry enough to eat 6 pieces. Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.
====================

[samfp1943]

Sam, we aren't missing a punchline here, are we?

As I said earlier, you were right, and this one is for you!

Some of us will understand this immediately, yoo close to reality!

      Others of us will find understanding it in the future,

            The rest it will take too many years to appreciate it, they will have forgotten, until it becomes them:

> Subject: DO YOU HAVE AAADD
>
> I was diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
>
> This is how it manifests:
>
> I decide to water my garden.
>
> As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and
decide my car needs washing.
>
> As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
> table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.
>
> I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
>
> I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage
> can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
>
> So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
> garbage first.
>
> But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
> out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
>
> I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one
check left.
>
> My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
> to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
>
> I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
> Aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I realize the Coke
is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to
keep it cold.
>
> As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
> counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.
>
> I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
> that I've been searching for all morning.
>
> I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
> Water the flowers.
>
> I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with
water and suddenly I spot the TV remote Someone left it on the kitchen
table.
>
> I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for
> the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water
the flowers.
>
> I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
> floor.
>
> So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe
up the spill.
>
> Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to
do.
>
> At the end of the day:
> the driveway is flooded
> the car isn't washed,
> the bills aren't paid,
> there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,
> there is still only one check in my check book,
> I can't find the remote,
> I can't find my glasses,
> and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
>
> Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
> baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.
>
> I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for
> it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
>
> Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
> because I don't remember who I have sent it to.
>
> 
 

 

[samfp1943]

Sam, we aren't missing a punchline here, are we?

     Good!  I'm not the only one who didn't get the joke.

Here is another one for you!

TWO SISTERS

 Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

 Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In

 order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase  a

 bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own

 stock. They only have $600 left.

 Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I

 decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she

wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 - no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a

telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram

to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to

hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive it here so we can haul it

home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds,

"It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She

realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to send

her the word 'comfortable'."

The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want

her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul

that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's a blonde. The word's big. She'll read

it very slowly......... com-for-da-bull".     

[Murphy Siding]

Sam, we aren't missing a punchline here, are we?

     Good!  I'm not the only one who didn't get the joke.

[CShaveRR]

Sam, we aren't missing a punchline here, are we?

[samfp1943]

You can write your own caption....

When the Rough gets a little too rough, you need the Binford 6100 AWD Golf Cart. <grunts>

 STRANDED IRISHMAN

 

One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for  more than 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.   He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."   And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft.

 

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

 

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"

 

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

 

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wetsuit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars.   He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. "Faith and b'gorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

 

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Powers Irish  Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

 

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

 

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve, unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.  He opened the flask and took a long drink. "'Tis nectar of the Gods!" stated the Irishman.  "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

 

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

 

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!   Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there, too!"

 

[WITH SINCERE APPOLOGIES TO CShaveRR AND TO MURPHY SIDING WHO POINTED OUT THAT I HAD FAILED TO ORIGINALLY DELIVER THE PUNCH LINE--SO HERE IT IS!]  

Thanks for pointing that out,Guys....

[zardoz]

Reference: Write your Own Caption.....

Fianally!  A cart for the way I golf....Ought to speed up my playing by quiet a bit.  Now, if it only had a Golf Ball Locator...

And a fully stocked fridge....

[JSGreen]

Reference: Write your Own Caption.....

Fianally!  A cart for the way I golf....Ought to speed up my playing by quiet a bit.  Now, if it only had a Golf Ball Locator...

[CopCarSS]

You can write your own caption....

When the Rough gets a little too rough, you need the Binford 6100 AWD Golf Cart. <grunts>

[CNW 6000]

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO: THE NEW “WHO’S ON FIRST?”

 

ABBOTT: Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store.  Can I help you?

 COSTELLO: Thanks.  I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm thinking of buying a computer.

 ABBOTT: Mac?

 COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.

 ABBOTT: Your computer?

 COSTELLO: I don't own a computer.  I want to buy one.

 ABBOTT: Mac?

 COSTELLO: I told you, my name is Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

 COSTELLO: Why?  Does it get stuffy?

 ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

 COSTELLO: I don't know.  What do I see when I look out the windows?

 ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

 COSTELLO: Never mind the windows.  I need a computer and software.

 ABBOTT: Software that runs on Windows?

 COSTELLO: No, on the computer!  I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses.  You know, run a business.  What have you got?

 ABBOTT: Office.

 COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office.  Can you recommend anything?

 ABBOTT: I just did.

 COSTELLO: You just did what?

 ABBOTT: Recommended something.

 COSTELLO: You recommended something?

 ABBOTT: Yes.

 COSTELLO: For my office?

 ABBOTT: Yes.

 COSTELLO: Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

 ABBOTT: Office.

 COSTELLO: Yes, for my office.

 ABBOTT: Office for Windows.

 COSTELLO: I already have an office and it already has windows!  Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal.  What do I need?

 ABBOTT: Word.

 COSTELLO: If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.

But what program do I load?

 ABBOTT: Word.

 COSTELLO: What word?

 ABBOTT: The Word in Office.

 COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

 ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

 COSTELLO: Which word in "office for windows?"

 ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue W.

 COSTELLO: I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me a straight answer.  Let's forget about words for a minute.  What do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

 ABBOTT: RealOne.

 COSTELLO: Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon.

What I watch is none of your business.  But what do I need to watch it?

 ABBOTT: RealOne.

 COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three and four.  Can I watch reel four?

 ABBOTT: Of course.

 COSTELLO: Great!  With what?

 ABBOT: RealOne.

 COSTELLO: Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a movie.  What do I do?

 ABBOT: You click the blue 1.

 COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?

 ABBOT: The blue 1.

 COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue W?

 ABBOTT: Of course it is.  The blue 1 is RealOne.

The blue W is Word.

 COSTELLO: What word?

 ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

 COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

 ABBOTT: No, just one.  But it's the most popular Word in the world.

 COSTELLO: It is?

 ABBOTT: Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left.  It pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

 COSTELLO: And that word is the real one?

 ABBOTT: No.  RealOne has nothing to do with Word.

RealOne isn't even part of Office.

 COSTELLO: Never mind; I don't want to get started with that again.  But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and so on.  What do you have to help me track my money?

 ABBOTT: Money.

 COSTELLO: That's right.  What do you have?

 ABBOTT: Money.

 COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

 ABBOTT: No, not really.  It comes bundled with your computer.

 COSTELLO: What comes bundled with my computer?

 ABBOTT: Money.

 COSTELLO: Money comes bundled with my computer?

 ABBOTT: Exactly.  No extra charge.

 COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge?

How much money do I get?

 ABBOTT: Just one copy.

 COSTELLO: I get a copy of money.  Isn't that illegal?

 ABBOTT: No.  We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

 COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

 ABBOTT: Why not?  They own it.

 COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll still need to track it.  Do you have anything for managing your money?

 ABBOTT: Managing Your Money?  That program disappeared years ago.

 COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

 ABBOTT: Money.

 COSTELLO: You sell money?

 ABBOTT: Of course.  But if you buy a computer from us, you get it for free.

 COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business.  Do you have any software for, you know, accounting?

 ABBOTT: Simply Accounting.

 COSTELLO: Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

 ABBOTT: If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

 COSTELLO: M.Y.O.B.?  What does that stand for?

 ABBOTT: Mind Your Own Business.

 COSTELLO: I beg your pardon?

 ABBOTT: No, that would be I.B.Y.P.  I said M.Y.O.B.

 COSTELLO: Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business.

You know -- accounting?  You do it with money.

 ABBOTT: Of course you can do accounting with Money.  But you may need more.

 COSTELLO: More money?

 ABBOTT: More than Money.  Money can't do everything.

 COSTELLO: I don't need a sermon!  Okay, let's forget about money for the moment.  I'm worried that my computer might...what's the word?  Crash.  And if my computer crashes, what can I use to restore my data?

 ABBOT: GoBack.

 COSTELLO: Okay.  I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need something to restore my data.  What do you recommend?

 ABBOTT: GoBack.

 COSTELLO: How many times do I have to repeat myself?

 ABBOT: I've never asked you to repeat yourself.

All I said was GoBack.

 COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere?  Okay, I'll go back.  What do I need to write a proposal?

 ABBOTT: Word.

 COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

 ABBOTT: No, you only need one Word - the Word in Office for Windows.

 COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.

 ABBOTT: Hello?  Hello?  Customers!  Why do they always hang up on me?  Oh, well..  Ultimate Super Duper Computer Store.  Can I help you?

[rvos1979]

You can write your own caption....

Redneck golf cart??

[tree68]

You can write your own caption....

[lonewoof]

I used to have a Mastiff and was buying a large bag of Purina at
Wal-mart and was in the check out line. The woman behind me asked if I
had a dog.

On impulse, I told her no, that I was starting the Purina Diet program again,
although I probably shouldn't because the last time I had ended
up in the hospital, but I had lost 50 pounds before I woke up in intensive
care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I
told her it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to
load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time
you feel hungry and that the nuggets are nutritionally complete, so I was
going to try it again.

I have to mention that practically everyone in line
was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall, black guy who was behind
the woman.

Horrified about my hospital comment, she asked if I had been
poisoned by the nuggets.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my b*lls and a car hit me.

 

I thought that the black guy was not going to recover !!!!!!

[chad thomas]

Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered "1"
ON PURPOSE!  
 
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
 
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
 
1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
 
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
 
1. Crying is blackmail.
 
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
 
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
 
1 Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
 
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem.  
 
See a doctor.
 
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
 
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
 
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
 
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
 
1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
 
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
 
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
 
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
 
1. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.
 
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
 
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
 
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine.Really.
 
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.
 
1. You have enough clothes.
 
1. You have too many shoes.
 
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
 
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
 
 
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
 
Pass this to as many men as you can -
to give them a laugh.
 
Pass this to as many women as you can -  
 
to give them a bigger laugh

[zardoz]

<sup>CAKE OR BED

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."

HE LOOK AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE SYLVANIA WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

THE WIFE SAYS, "FINE, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT."

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO."

"FINE", SHE SAYS, "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK."

HE SAYS,"I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS. DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO. I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.I'M GOING TO THE BAR TO WATCH THE GAME!!!!"

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS. AFTER THE  GAME, HE DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

"HONEY", HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
                                                                                                                                                                                                         SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

HE SAID, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"

SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"</sup>

[zardoz]

A blind man finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,  "Hey, you wanna hear a blond joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,  "Before you tell that joke, Sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender  is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 180-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now  think about it seriously, Mister. Do you really wanna tell that joke?" The blind man thinks for a  second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah.......... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[zardoz]

Hello?"
"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
***Brief Pause.***
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? . . . Is this 555-5731?

[zardoz]

WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST

 

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

 

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

 

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN   (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and STILL be afraid of a spider.

 

MARRIAGE SEMINAR

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes."

He addressed the man, "Can you name your wife's favorite flower?"

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

 

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooooooooooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own ......... so does she.

 

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day..30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

 

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. "The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.  God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

 

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee"

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says......... "HEBREWS"

 

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.  Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[zardoz]

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, and reads her book.

 

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. "I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you, " says the game warden.

"That's true but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

[zardoz]

Three Kids and George Bush

President Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water.

He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said,
"No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordans."  Bush
said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and
stereo headset!!"  Bush is a little perplexed by this and said,  "But, son,
you don't  look like you're handicapped."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your *** from
drowning!"

[vsmith]

From the LawDog Blog: also posted on the Darwin Award site:

Darwin is a rotter

There is a club devoted exclusively to gangsta hip-hop music located in our fair city.

It is currently part of the turf owned by one set of Latino gangers who are feuding pretty seriously with another pack.

Small, dark, mota- reeking little place. My buddy Reno and I did some bouncing for spending money there for a couple of years when an African-American gang still owned that side; it was a brutal little dive then and it darned sure hasn't got any better.

Local PD won't go in there with less than four officers, and they usually have the tac-team do their walk-throughs.

Anyhoo, one night a while back there is a call for an ambulance, Rescue, the tac-team, and any available officers Code Three to the club.

Everybody and their grandma shows up. Several tons worth of officers show up, and muscle their way through the patrons to find a 19-year-old hispanic male laying on his side on the dance floor, completely unresponsive.

Everyone really, really wants to know just what the hell has happened here, his vatos are going bugnuts, and the only thing that anyone can learn is that the other gang has "done shot him".

This is Not Good. This is So Not Good.

Visions of a full-blown gang war dancing in their heads, the tac-team starts heaving bodies out into the road while the detectives snatch two of the biggest-mouthed eses and start trying to put together a sequence of what the hell just happened here.

Turns out that about eight Kings walked into the club sometime prior to the incident and started dancing with Lords gals.

Young Eduardo De La Dancefloor decided that this was, indeed, an insult too great to be borne so he allegedly pulled out what seems to have been a chromed Raven Arms .25ACP, pointed it at the Kings, and engaged in what must have been a truly inspired Alpha Male Display.

The Kings chose (for once) the better part of valour and hauled butt out the side door of the club.

Young Eduardo then turned in triumph to his little pack, and in a manner calculated to cause swooning in any brainless girl-child desperate (or stupid) enough to hang out with Mexicano gangsters, whirls the little silver auto around his shootin' finger, flips it back the other way, then back again, and proceeds to, err ... manfully ... thrust it home into the front of his waistband.

Ahem.

Gentle Readers, the Four Rules of Shooting are not just Rules, they are a damned fine idea. Let us ponder, in this case, the wisdom of: "Don't Point The Barrel At Anything You're Not Willing To Destroy" and "Keep Your Booger Hook Off Of The Bang Switch".

Yeah. Whoo. I believe that my readers of the male persuasion probably have an inkling of what happened.

My friends, I have seen the impossible. I have proof of a one shot stop utilizing a single, lonesome .25ACP FMJ.

Sweet Shivering Shiva.

Ahem. Anyhoo, apparently the finale of this testosterone preen involved Young Eduardo staggering back a step, raising a paw to his buddies, stumbling a bit and then according to eyewitnesses, his eyes just "kinda rolled back" and Eddie ploughed nose first into the parquet dancefloor.

I shall never sniff disdainfully at those who choose to carry a .25 ACP again.

Apparently he blew the left one into hamburger, air-conditioned Mr. Happy, and the combination of muzzle-flash and hydrostatic shock(?!) bruised the right one to the point that it's probably "not going to be viable". Medically speaking.

Oh, and the the round drilled into his left thigh and snuggled in contentedly about an inch or so from the femur.

Gawd.

Jut another day in Law Enforcement, folks. You can't make this stuff up.

LawDog

Submitted on 06/22/2006

 

Hey Vic, I was camping with a bunch of friends once (I think new years eve) up in the mountains and a friend of mine did the same thing. Didn't get the jewels but gave Mr happy some air conditioning. We had to drive him 30 miles in the snow to where he was air lifted to the hospital. Funny thing was the medic cut his pants off first thing and he had to walk across the helopad at the hospital in his birthday suit. He will never live that one down.

[vsmith]

If Rednecks Ruled the World

 

 

Redneck Christmas

http://gpsinformation.info/main/X-masDecoration-g.jpg

Redneck Bassboat

http://gpsinformation.info/main/ATT00017.jpg

Redneck dogs

http://gpsinformation.info/main/RedneckDogs.jpg

Redneck Magazine

http://gpsinformation.info/main/rednecks-ruled-5.jpg

Redneck President

http://gpsinformation.info/main/rednecks-ruled-1.jpg

Redneck Presidents Whitehouse

http://gpsinformation.info/main/rednecks-ruled-2.jpg

Redneck President Air Force 1

http://gpsinformation.info/main/rednecks-ruled-3.jpg

Redneck Moon shot

http://gpsinformation.info/main/rednecks-ruled-4.jpg

Redneck Motorhome

http://gpsinformation.net/exe/rednec-motor-home.jpg

Redneck Highrise

http://gpsinformation.net/exe/redneck-high-rise.jpg

Redneck Lawnmower

http://gpsinformation.net/exe/ShowLetter.jpg

Redneck Limo

http://gpsinformation.net/exe/limo.jpg

Redneck Swimming pool

http://gpsinformation.net/exe/redneck-swimming-pool.jpg

Redneck Lotto winner

http://gpsinformation.info/main/winner.jpg

Redneck Highway

http://gpsinformation.us/Maps/notmyjob.jpg

Redneck Barstool

http://www.frozeninfire.com/signs/Image22.jpg

 

and finally,

 

Rednecks, gotta learn‘em young!

http://gpsinformation.info/main/sign-here.jpg

[chad thomas]

PONDERISMS
*      I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
·      Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a     plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.
·      The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
·      Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
·      There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
·      Life is sexually transmitted.
·      Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
·      The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
·      Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.  
·      Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
·      Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
·      Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
·      All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
·      In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
·      Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
·      How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
·      Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
·      Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta its butt."
·      Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
·      If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
·      Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
·      Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
·      Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
·      If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
·      If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
·      If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
·      If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
·      Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
·      Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
·      Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
·      Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
·      Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

[chad thomas]

From the LawDog Blog: also posted on the Darwin Award site:

Darwin is a rotter

There is a club devoted exclusively to gangsta hip-hop music located in our fair city.

It is currently part of the turf owned by one set of Latino gangers who are feuding pretty seriously with another pack.

Small, dark, mota- reeking little place. My buddy Reno and I did some bouncing for spending money there for a couple of years when an African-American gang still owned that side; it was a brutal little dive then and it darned sure hasn't got any better.

Local PD won't go in there with less than four officers, and they usually have the tac-team do their walk-throughs.

Anyhoo, one night a while back there is a call for an ambulance, Rescue, the tac-team, and any available officers Code Three to the club.

Everybody and their grandma shows up. Several tons worth of officers show up, and muscle their way through the patrons to find a 19-year-old hispanic male laying on his side on the dance floor, completely unresponsive.

Everyone really, really wants to know just what the hell has happened here, his vatos are going bugnuts, and the only thing that anyone can learn is that the other gang has "done shot him".

This is Not Good. This is So Not Good.

Visions of a full-blown gang war dancing in their heads, the tac-team starts heaving bodies out into the road while the detectives snatch two of the biggest-mouthed eses and start trying to put together a sequence of what the hell just happened here.

Turns out that about eight Kings walked into the club sometime prior to the incident and started dancing with Lords gals.

Young Eduardo De La Dancefloor decided that this was, indeed, an insult too great to be borne so he allegedly pulled out what seems to have been a chromed Raven Arms .25ACP, pointed it at the Kings, and engaged in what must have been a truly inspired Alpha Male Display.

The Kings chose (for once) the better part of valour and hauled butt out the side door of the club.

Young Eduardo then turned in triumph to his little pack, and in a manner calculated to cause swooning in any brainless girl-child desperate (or stupid) enough to hang out with Mexicano gangsters, whirls the little silver auto around his shootin' finger, flips it back the other way, then back again, and proceeds to, err ... manfully ... thrust it home into the front of his waistband.

Ahem.

Gentle Readers, the Four Rules of Shooting are not just Rules, they are a damned fine idea. Let us ponder, in this case, the wisdom of: "Don't Point The Barrel At Anything You're Not Willing To Destroy" and "Keep Your Booger Hook Off Of The Bang Switch".

Yeah. Whoo. I believe that my readers of the male persuasion probably have an inkling of what happened.

My friends, I have seen the impossible. I have proof of a one shot stop utilizing a single, lonesome .25ACP FMJ.

Sweet Shivering Shiva.

Ahem. Anyhoo, apparently the finale of this testosterone preen involved Young Eduardo staggering back a step, raising a paw to his buddies, stumbling a bit and then according to eyewitnesses, his eyes just "kinda rolled back" and Eddie ploughed nose first into the parquet dancefloor.

I shall never sniff disdainfully at those who choose to carry a .25 ACP again.

Apparently he blew the left one into hamburger, air-conditioned Mr. Happy, and the combination of muzzle-flash and hydrostatic shock(?!) bruised the right one to the point that it's probably "not going to be viable". Medically speaking.

Oh, and the the round drilled into his left thigh and snuggled in contentedly about an inch or so from the femur.

Gawd.

Jut another day in Law Enforcement, folks. You can't make this stuff up.

LawDog

Submitted on 06/22/2006

 

Hey Vic, I was camping with a bunch of friends once (I think new years eve) up in the mountains and a friend of mine did the same thing. Didn't get the jewels but gave Mr happy some air conditioning. We had to drive him 30 miles in the snow to where he was air lifted to the hospital. Funny thing was the medic cut his pants off first thing and he had to walk across the helopad at the hospital in his birthday suit. He will never live that one down.

[vsmith]

From the LawDog Blog: also posted on the Darwin Award site:

 

Darwin is a rotter

There is a club devoted exclusively to gangsta hip-hop music located in our fair city.

It is currently part of the turf owned by one set of Latino gangers who are feuding pretty seriously with another pack.

Small, dark, mota- reeking little place. My buddy Reno and I did some bouncing for spending money there for a couple of years when an African-American gang still owned that side; it was a brutal little dive then and it darned sure hasn't got any better.

Local PD won't go in there with less than four officers, and they usually have the tac-team do their walk-throughs.

Anyhoo, one night a while back there is a call for an ambulance, Rescue, the tac-team, and any available officers Code Three to the club.

Everybody and their grandma shows up. Several tons worth of officers show up, and muscle their way through the patrons to find a 19-year-old hispanic male laying on his side on the dance floor, completely unresponsive.

Everyone really, really wants to know just what the hell has happened here, his vatos are going bugnuts, and the only thing that anyone can learn is that the other gang has "done shot him".

This is Not Good. This is So Not Good.

Visions of a full-blown gang war dancing in their heads, the tac-team starts heaving bodies out into the road while the detectives snatch two of the biggest-mouthed eses and start trying to put together a sequence of what the hell just happened here.

Turns out that about eight Kings walked into the club sometime prior to the incident and started dancing with Lords gals.

Young Eduardo De La Dancefloor decided that this was, indeed, an insult too great to be borne so he allegedly pulled out what seems to have been a chromed Raven Arms .25ACP, pointed it at the Kings, and engaged in what must have been a truly inspired Alpha Male Display.

The Kings chose (for once) the better part of valour and hauled butt out the side door of the club.

Young Eduardo then turned in triumph to his little pack, and in a manner calculated to cause swooning in any brainless girl-child desperate (or stupid) enough to hang out with Mexicano gangsters, whirls the little silver auto around his shootin' finger, flips it back the other way, then back again, and proceeds to, err ... manfully ... thrust it home into the front of his waistband.

Ahem.

Gentle Readers, the Four Rules of Shooting are not just Rules, they are a damned fine idea. Let us ponder, in this case, the wisdom of: "Don't Point The Barrel At Anything You're Not Willing To Destroy" and "Keep Your Booger Hook Off Of The Bang Switch".

Yeah. Whoo. I believe that my readers of the male persuasion probably have an inkling of what happened.

My friends, I have seen the impossible. I have proof of a one shot stop utilizing a single, lonesome .25ACP FMJ.

Sweet Shivering Shiva.

Ahem. Anyhoo, apparently the finale of this testosterone preen involved Young Eduardo staggering back a step, raising a paw to his buddies, stumbling a bit and then according to eyewitnesses, his eyes just "kinda rolled back" and Eddie ploughed nose first into the parquet dancefloor.

I shall never sniff disdainfully at those who choose to carry a .25 ACP again.

Apparently he blew the left one into hamburger, air-conditioned Mr. Happy, and the combination of muzzle-flash and hydrostatic shock(?!) bruised the right one to the point that it's probably "not going to be viable". Medically speaking.

Oh, and the the round drilled into his left thigh and snuggled in contentedly about an inch or so from the femur.

Gawd.

Jut another day in Law Enforcement, folks. You can't make this stuff up.

LawDog

Submitted on 06/22/2006

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68
Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

Larry, that whole post was just plain weird. Nicely done.

Wish I'd written it..

[CShaveRR]

No, trolley guy.

The answer to number 1 is that this thread of real humor has been beaten out by a thread with virtual food--check out the Depot Diner and Coffee Shop.

[stmtrolleyguy]

Okay, I gotta ask two things :

1. Is this the topic with the most pages here? If not, what IS?

2. Has anyone actually gained a start on this topic alone?
:P