Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[chad thomas]

Too funny

Hey Larry, After reading about lights being dark suckers I wonder
would a black hole be a dark blower?

[samfp1943]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68
Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

Larry, that whole post was just plain weird. Nicely done.

Amen, to that!![swg][swg][swg]

But to digress a little.....
A Wyoming cowboy was herding his cows in a remote
pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of
a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a
Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I
tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in
your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks
at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why
not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and
surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he
calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to
another NASA satellite that scans the area in an
ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe
Photoshop and exports it to an image processing
facility in Hamburg,Germany. Within seconds, he
receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC
connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a
response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report
on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and
finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have
exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my
calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man
select one of the animals, and looks on amused as the
young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can
tell you exactly what your business is, will you give
me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a
second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

You're a Congressman, elected to the U.S.Government" says the cowboy.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did
you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy.
"You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want
to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a
question I never asked. You tried to show me how much
smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing
about cows....

Now give me back my dog . [;)][;)][;)]

[locomutt]

Auto Repair

An auto mechanic received a repair order that said to check for a
clunking noise when going around corners.

He took the car out for a test drive and made a right turn, then a
left turn, each time hearing a loud clunk.

Back at the shop, he returned the car to the service manager with this
note: "Removed bowling ball from trunk."

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by tree68
Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

Larry, that whole post was just plain weird. Nicely done.

[tree68]

For years, it has been believed that electric bulbs emit light, but recent information has proved otherwise. Electric bulbs don't emit light; they suck dark. Thus, we call these bulbs Dark Suckers.

The Dark Sucker Theory and the existence of dark suckers prove that dark has mass and is heavier than light.

First, the basis of the Dark Sucker Theory is that electric bulbs suck dark. For example, take the Dark Sucker in the room you are in. There is much less dark right next to it than there is elsewhere. The larger the Dark Sucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Dark Suckers in the parking lot have a much greater capacity to suck dark than the ones in this room.

So with all things, Dark Suckers don't last forever. Once they are full of dark, they can no longer suck. This is proven by the dark spot on a full Dark Sucker.

A candle is a primitive Dark Sucker. A new candle has a white wick. You can see that after the first use, the wick turns black, representing all the dark that has been sucked into it. If you put a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, it will turn black. This is because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. One of the disadvantages of these primitive Dark Suckers is their limited range.

There are also portable Dark Suckers. In these, the bulbs can't handle all the dark by themselves and must be aided by a Dark Storage Unit. When the Dark Storage Unit is full, it must be either emptied or replaced before the portable Dark Sucker can operate again.

Dark has mass. When dark goes into a Dark Sucker, friction from the mass generates heat. Thus, it is not wise to touch an operating Dark Sucker. Candles present a special problem as the mass must travel into a solid wick instead of through clear glass. This generates a great amount of heat and therefore it's not wise to touch an operating candle.

Also, dark is heavier than light. If you were to swim just below the surface of the lake, you would see a lot of light. If you were to slowly swim deeper and deeper, you would notice it getting darker and darker. When you get really deep, you would be in total darkness. This is because the heavier dark sinks to the bottom of the lake and the lighter light floats at the top. The is why it is called light.

Finally, we must prove that dark is faster than light. If you were to stand in a lit room in front of a closed, dark closet, and slowly opened the closet door, you would see the light slowly enter the closet. But since dark is so fast, you would not be able to see the dark leave the closet.

Next time you see an electric bulb, remember that it is a Dark Sucker.

[Anonymous]

I see that someone posted Gumperson's Law which I've not heard referredto in years. However the version that I learned from a former boss went like this:
"The likelihood of an event is inversely proportional to the desirability thereof"
I like that version because it sounds so scholarly and impressive but means no more than other ways of saying that things will go wrong. I sound so learned when I quote my version when I'm no more learned than anyone else.

[tree68]

A couple variations on the unavoidable laws.

The Office Corrollary to the Bath Theorem: As soon as you walk away from your desk, the phone rings.

Gumpersons Law (a version of Murphy's Law): Anything that can go wrong, will, and at the worst possible time.

[ChuckCobleigh]

QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

STRANGE PAGE



"L-O-W C-E-L-L"

Scott adams in the The Dilbert Principle tells the similar story of the tech manager who got an alphanumeric pager, about which he complained in a few weeks that it seemed to be using a lot of batteries. Nobody told him that one of the company pranksters was paging him with the message "LO BAT" about once a week or so. I knew a few managers over the year that were about that clueless, which is scary in a technology company.

[locomutt]

STRANGE PAGE


One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. There, he deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.

The best call came from Bubba, who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille."

He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.

"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.

After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

"She leaves her name," was the reply.

After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.

"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.

"L-O-W C-E-L-L"



Another technical problem solved.

[locomutt]

100 CAMELS FOR WIFE......


US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman."

After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."

The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"

The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."

[Anonymous]

Guy and his wife go to a distant town for a convention. They check into a hotel which is next to the mainline of a busy railroad. Their room is on the ground floor next to the tracks.

After they enter their room the husband tells the wife that he is going to the convention room to see if he can find the his co- workers. The wife decides to lay down on the bed for a nap.

Two minutes later she 's knocked out of bed by the 4:15 Express outside their window. Upset she gets back into bed but is jarred out of bed by the next train. Unwilling to put up with this ,she goes out to the front desk and tells the manager what's happened.

"Nonsense" he cries, "this is a five-star hotel, that's impossible!"

She gets angry and threatens to check-out of the hotel. The manager then agrees to go to the room to check out her complaint.

Upon arriving in the room the manager says that she could not have been tossed out of bed and tells the woman to get in the bed, then he gets into the bed too.

Just then the woman's husband returns to the room and sees the manager in bed with his wife and demands to know what's going on.

The manager says, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

With apologies to Henny Youngman.

[samfp1943]

Dear Diary;
When our lawnmower broke and it woulden't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But somehow I always had something else to take care of first. My truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiney pare of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a few minutes.
When I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

"When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "You might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Sam

[zardoz]

These are the unavoidable laws of the natural universe...

1. Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee.

2. Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

5. Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law: If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time).

7. Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11. Theater Rule: At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

12. Law of Coffee: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness, color and cost of the carpet/rug.

15. Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.

16. Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

17. Brown's Law: If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

18. Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.

19. Wilson's Law: As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

[tree68]

A priest was in town on some church business and stayed at a hotel whose management had an optimistic, can-do outlook - "There are no problems, only opportunities."

He checked in and went to his room. Soon he returned to the front desk. "I have a problem," he told the clerk.

"There are no problems, only opportunities," replied the clerk, parroting the management philosophy.

"Call it what you will," answered the priest. "There's a woman in my room..."

[zardoz]

There were two evil brothers. They were rich and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church and looked to be perfect Christians.

Then, their pastor retired and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true, and the church started to swell in numbers.

A fundraising campaign was started to build a new assembly.

All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a check for the amount needed to finish paying for the new building.

"I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint."

The pastor gave his word and deposited the check.

The next day at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But, compared to his brother, he was a saint."

[Anonymous]

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next
to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes
his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go
quicker if you strike up a conversation with
your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it
slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to
discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling.
How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting
topic. But let me ask you a question first.
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff --
grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow
turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins
of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I
haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that
you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when
you don't know s***?"

[Anonymous]

What do Pink Floyd and Dale Earnhart have in common?

Their last big hit was the wall.

[locomutt]

A GROANER

Did you hear about that new pirate movie?

It's rated arrrrrrrrr...

[cherokee woman]

A little laugh for today*
> >
> > FAMILY
> >
> > Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house
> > together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath.
> > She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the
> > other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the
> > bath?"
> >
> > The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll
> come
> > up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses.
> > "Was I going up the stairs or down?"
> >
> > The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table
> > having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes
> her
> > head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
> > forgetful," as she knocked on her wooden table for
> > good measure. " She then yells, "I'll come up and
> > help both of you as soon as I see who's at the
> > door."
> > _______________________________________________
> >
> > "I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
> >
> > Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were
> > playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to
> the
> > other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man
> > replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed
> > in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
> > ___________________________________________
> >
> > WHAT A CHOICE
> >
> > A little old lady was running up and down the
> halls
> > in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip
> up
> > the hem of her nightgown and say, "Supersex." She
> > walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair.
> > Flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex.."
> He
> > sat silently for a moment or two and finally
> > answered, "I'll take the soup."
> > ____________________________________________
> >
> > OLD FRIENDS
> >
> > Two elderly ladies had been friends for many
> > decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds
> > of activities and adventures. Lately, their
> > activities had been limited to meeting a few times
> a
> > week to play cards. One day, they were playing
> cards
> > when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't
> > get mad at me . I know we've been friends for a
> long
> > time, but I just can't think of your name! I've
> > thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
> Please
> > tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at
> > her. For at least three minutes she just stared
> and
> > glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you
> > need to know?"
> > _____________________________________________
> >
> > SENIOR DRIVING
> >
> >
> > As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,
> > his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's
> > voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard
> on
> > the news that there's a car going the wrong way on
> > Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Hell," said
> > Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of
> > them!"
> > ______________________________________________
> >
> > DRIVING
> >
> > Two elderly women were out driving in a large car,
> > both could barely see over the dashboard. As they
> > were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
> > The stoplight was red, but they just went on
> > through. The woman in the passenger seat thought
> to
> > herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn
> we
> > just went through a red light."
> >
> > After a few more minutes, they came to another
> > intersection and the light was red again.
> > Again, they went right through. The woman in the
> > passenger seat was almost sure that the light had
> > been red but was really concerned that she was
> > losing it.
> >
> > She was getting nervous. At the next intersection,
> > sure enough, the light was red and they went on
> > through. So, she turned to the other woman and
> said,
> > "Mildred, do you know that we just ran through
> three
> > red lights in a row? You could have killed us
> both!"
> > Mildred turned to her and said, "Crap, am I
> > driving?"
> >
> >
>
______________________________________________________
> >
> >
> > An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone
> to
> > report that her car has been broken into. She is
> > hysterical as she explains her situation to the
> > dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
> steering
> > wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!"
> > she cried. The dispatcher say, "Stay calm, Maam,
> an
> > officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the
> > officer radios in. "Disregard.", He says "She got
> in
> > the back-seat by mistake."
> >
> > PLEASE!!!! TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US
> >
>
>

[dmoore74]

> > Wally's Wedding Night.........
> >
> >
> > At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
> >
> > Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their
wedding
> > she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned
that
> > her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire
> > night together.
> >
> > After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the
> > expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door
opens
> > and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
> >
> > They unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and
she
> > prepares to go to sleep.
> >
> > After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her
> > bedroom door, and it's Wally. Again he is ready for more "action".
> >
> > Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the
> > newlyweds
> > are done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
> >
> > She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Wally is back
> > again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for
> > more
> > "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.
> >
> > But as Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am
> > thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
> > often.
> > I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good
> > once.
> > You are truly a great lover, Wally."
> >
> > Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says:
> >
> > ........."You mean I was here already?"
> >
> >
> > The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.
> >
> >

[locomutt]

Entrance Exam for Heaven


One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all die and go to Heaven. St. Peter's there, and when they get to the gate, St. Peter informs them that there will be a test to get into Heaven: they each have to answer one question.
To the teacher, he says, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the Iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thinks for a sec, and then replies:" That would have been the Titanic, right?"
St. Peter lets him through the gate.

St. Peter turns to the Garbage man, and, figuring that Heaven doesn't REALLY need all the stink that this guy would bring into heaven, decides to make the question a little harder:
"How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guesses: "1228"
"That happens to be right; go ahead."

St. Peter turns to the Lawyer:
"Name them."

[zardoz]

Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:


In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.

Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.

Today, it's the size of his minivan.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.

Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.

Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.

Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.

Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers pined for old country Romania, Italy, or Russia.

Today, fathers pine for old country Hank Williams.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.

If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."

Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.

Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.

Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.

Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.

Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a Father's Day gift would be a hand tool.

Today, he'll get a digital organizer.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."

Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.

Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a happy meal was when Father shared funny stories around the table.

Today, a happy meal is what Dad buys at McDonald's.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, a father was involved if he spanked the kid now and then.

Today, a father's involved only if he coaches Little League and organizes Boy Scouts and car pools.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.

Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters suiters with shotguns if the girl came home late.

Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers pined for the old school, which meant a one-room, red-brick building.

Today, fathers pine for the old school, which means Dr J and Mickey Mantle.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In 1900, fathers were never truly appreciated.

In 2001, fathers are never truly appreciated.

[Anonymous]

LITTLE KNOWN MARITIME FACTS(Personal favorite- #6)

A number of primary schools were doing a project on "The Sea." Kids were asked to draw pictures or write about their experiences. Teachers got together to compare the results and put together some of the "better "ones.

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)
2. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea because I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers. (Christopher age 7)
3. Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

4. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have sea all around you, you are incontinent. (Wayne age 7)

5. I think sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kyle age 6)

6. A dolphin breathes through an *** on the top of its head. (Billy age 8)

7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans. (William age 7)

8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

9. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy shrink. (Kevin age 6)

[Anonymous]

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the
removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "too many deer
were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.
This one was from Kingman, KS.
______________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. This was in Jackson Mississippi
______________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge,
How would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."Happened in Birmingham, Ala.
______________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross
the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of
mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it
signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What
on earth are blind people doing driving?!" She was a probation officer in
Wichita, KS
______________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear co-worker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully,this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.This was a
bunch at Texas Instruments.
______________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system
would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
______________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership
to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to
the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to
the technician, "it's open!" To which he replied, "I know I already got
that side." This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
*They walk among us . AND REPRODUCE!!!
.
They walk among us, AND THEY VOTE!!!

[Anonymous]

So three nuns were walking down the street one day talking about all kinds of nonsense when one of them goes..."Hey guess what I found in father's bedroom"

The other two nuns say..."What?". The first nun says.."I found some dirty magazines under father's bed."

"What'd you do with the dirty magazines?". "I threw them away immediately"

"That's nothing" says the second nun. "I was putting away father's clothes and found condoms in the dresser drawer"

The first nun gasps..."What'd you do with those?!"

"Poked holes in all of them and put them back in the drawer." The nun says.

"Oh***"...goes the third nun.

[samfp1943]

Folks, This is too funny, NOT to pass along;[}:)][}:)][}:)][}:)]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed
for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it
saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at
the lack of response and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you"

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's
haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your
leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that! I
don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump
and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew
the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, crumpling mess
about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly
at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green
head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He ***
near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend
and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, when a guy has a *** he can wrap around himself twice and then
stick it in his ear, you don't want to mess with him!"

I did not read the entire 200+ pages, if it is a repeat, I apologise, but still, it is too funny ROFLMAO.
Sam

[zardoz]

Fishing Story

A young guy from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."

Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did" His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many sales did you make today?"

The kid says, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"

The kid says, "$112,237.64."

The boss says, "$112,237.64?! What the heck did you sell?!"

Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then
he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."

The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"

Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing.

[zardoz]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.

[zardoz]

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning." They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long.

[zardoz]

25 SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friends are pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh no, what the heck happened?"

Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

I couldn't.