Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

[zardoz]

An Alsatian went to a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote:
“Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: “There are only nine words here. You could send another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
“But,” the dog replied, “that would make no sense at all.”

[zardoz]

Texan: “Where are you from?”

Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”

Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

[zardoz]

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."

[zardoz]

"I'm ashamed of you," the mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do!"

"He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him."

The mother stated emphatically, "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me."

The boy replied, "What good would that have done? My aim is way better than yours."

[zardoz]

One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

[zardoz]

There was a man who spent 2 weeks each and every fall at deer camp. His wife accused him of never hunting.

"You guys just go up there and play cards and drink for 2 weeks." she told him.

"We do not," he replied. "We hunt hard!!"

"Then why have you never killed a deer?" she asked.

"I guess I just am not very lucky." was his response. That night the wife packed her husbands things and the next morning he left for deer camp.

At the end of 2 weeks he returned home, once again without a deer.

The wife told him again that all they do at deer camp is drink and play cards to which he once again denied it.

"By the way," he said, "you forgot to pack my underwear for me."

"No I didn't!" she replied....."They're in your gun case!!!!!!"

[zardoz]

The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband. "Your mother insulted me."

"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away."

"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."

He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"

"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't forget to give this letter to George.'

[zardoz]

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "That's incredible! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?

The wife yells back, "It doesn't matter... just get out!"

[zardoz]

A man was setting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare & walked directly towards him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was. The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house".

[Hugh Jampton]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"

[dmoore74]

Top 10 Ways to Tell If Your Cat is Too Fat

10. Gets winded purring
9. Instead of trying to run from dogs, sits on them
8. The Maury people call every *** hour
7. Ears perk up whenever you mention Wendy's Free Fixin's Bar
6. He used 8 lives on heart attacks
5. Cat carrier is a Ford Escort
4. Richard Simmons' cat staged intervention
3. Can only wear cute sweaters from the Big and Tall Kitty Shop
2. Litter box so huge, it has nude bathing section
1. Instead of "meow" he says, "mayo"

[tree68]

A farmer (probably a blond) bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested that he cut the tail of one horse and that worked great until the other horse got his tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.

The neighbor suggested the farmer notch the ear of one horse. That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.

The neighbor suggested he measure the horses for height. When he did, he was very pleased to find that the white horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

[zardoz]

Two engineers were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[tree68]

You've obviously been to my workplace...

[locomutt]

Subject: Indians & Buffalos

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male
>> buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
>> The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the
>> Indian a tall mug of coffee.
>> The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts
>> the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter
>> every
>> where, then just walks out.
>> The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one
>> hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the
>> counter
>> and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."
>> The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto! We're still cleaning up your mess
>> from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
>>
>> (hang on, this is rea lly good.....)
>>
>>





>>
>>
>>
>> The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management
>> position in United States Government: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the
>> bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

[CSXrules4eva]

BLOND GUYS

Two blonde guys were working for the city works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

Happy St. Patrick's Day!!

[zardoz]

CONGRATULATIONS
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1930's 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's !!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays,

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

Those generations produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever! The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with whatever happened.


You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives for our own good, and while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!

[Anonymous]

ONE

Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have

an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

"We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You

don't?" I replied. "We
only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So

I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right."

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets.



TWO

I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady

behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of

those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between

our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of

my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code

so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you

know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't

think I'll buy that
today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things

and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.



THREE

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and

pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she

said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit

card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."



FOUR

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need

some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery

to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you

think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a attery

to fit this?"
"Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No,

just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.

As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you

drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."



FIVE

Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was

typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper.

What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her.

With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it

on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.



SIX

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor
home was towed

into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and

the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the

manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise

control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.



SEVEN

My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a

large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with

their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch

banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my

terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"



EIGHT

Police in Radnor, Pa., interrogated a suspect by placing
a metal colander

on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The

message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy

button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.

Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.



NINE

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take

her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher

tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother

says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him to emergency!



Life is tough. It's tougher if you're stupid."

[samfp1943]

For those OXYMORONS:[8D][8D][:o)]
.Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2.Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3.If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4.If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5.Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6.Why do "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7.Why do "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8.Why do "tug" boats pu***heir barges?

9.Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already
there?

10.Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

11.Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12.Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13.Why are a "wise man" and a wise guy opposite?

14.Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15.Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16.If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18.If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19.If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20.Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you
know the batteries are dead?

22.Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23.How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26.Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27.Christmas oxymoron: What other time of the year do you sit in front
of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks.

Sam

[samfp1943]

A little Duck HUnter Humor[:D]

Hillbilly Willie went hunting one day in Kentucky and bagged 3 ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hillbillies.

The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting license. The hillbilly pulled out a valid Kentucky hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed it's butt and said "This duck ain't from Kentucky. This is a Tennessee duck! You got a Tennessee huntin' license, boy?

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Tennessee license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck.

He sniffed it and said, "This ain't no Tennessee duck! This here duck's from Mississippi. You got a Mississippi huntin' license?"

The hillbilly reached into his wallet and produced a Mississippi hunting license.

Then the warden reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed it's butt and said, "This ain't no Mississippi duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license.?"

Once again, the hillbilly reached into his wallet and brought out the appropriate hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point and started yelling at the hillbilly. "Boy, just where are you from ?"

The hillbilly turned around, bent over, dropped his pants and said, "You tell me, you're the expert!!"


| |
Sam

[Anonymous]

*Think before you speak...*
Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



*FIRST TESTIMONY:*

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,
"How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
I turned around and walked back out and never went back
My husband didn't say a word...
he knew better.



*SECOND TESTIMONY:*

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using.
After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen ho works at the store.

He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said,
"I think I like playing with men's balls."



*THIRD TESTIMONY:*

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts."
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.



*FOURTH TESTIMONY**:*

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok.
I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons.
I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished.
To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I

saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!"
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange.
Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow.
The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.



*FIFTH TESTIMONY:*

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times?
My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly.
One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room.
While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean.
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while.
I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No".
I kept thinking
"Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me."
Then I said,
"Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?"
"No," he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse.
Soooooo, I asked one more time,
"Danny, did you have an accident?"
This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled
"SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!"
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!



*LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:*

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think

before she speaks.
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
"So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?"
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!



Now, didn't that feel good?

Pass it on to someone you know who needs a laugh

and remember we all say things we don't really mean,

so think before you speak

[samfp1943]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

QUOTE: Originally posted by germanium

Zardoz - I don't know where you get all this humour from, but it's brought many a smile to my face (and I suspect many others). Keep up the good work !!!

Thanks. I appreciate the appreciation.

More man/woman OR Husband vs.Wife Humor
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but who are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a totally booked transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.


At around 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am. I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."


"I have a better idea", she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.


"Wow, that's a great idea!", he exclaimed.


"Good", she replied. "Get your own ***ed blanket!"


After a moment of silence, he farted.
[:D]

[zardoz]

Here is a math trick that it will stump you.

Grab a calculator. (you won't be able to do this one in your head)

1. Key in the first three digits of your phone number (NOT YOUR AREA CODE)
2. Multiply by 80
3. Add 1
4. Multiply by 250
5. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number.
6. Add the last 4 digits of your phone number again.
7. Subtract 250
8. Divide number by 2.

Do you recognize the answer?

[zardoz]

STUPID LOCAL LAWS

In Ottumwa, Iowa, "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the (city), to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted."

In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.

In Zion, Ill., it is illegal for anyone to give lighted cigars to dogs, cats, and other domesticated animals kept as pets.

In Carmel, N.Y., a man can't go outside while wearing a jacket and pants that do not match.

In St. Louis, it's illegal to sit on the curb of any city street and drink beer from a bucket.

In Hartford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

In Baltimore, it's illegal to throw bales of hay from a second-story window within the city limits. It's also illegal to take a lion to the movies.

In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.

In Carrizozo, N.M., it's forbidden for a female to appear unshaven in public (includes legs and face).

In Pennsylvania it is illegal to have over 16 women live in a house together because that constitutes a brothel...however up to 120 men can live together, without breaking the law.

In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.

In New York, it is against the law to throw a ball at someone's head for fun.

The state of Washington has passed a law stating it is illegal, I repeat, illegal, to paint polka dots on the American flag.

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle in Connecticut, it must bounce.

To keep any of the incarcerated beast from picking up bad habits, the town of Manville , NJ decreed that it is illegal to feed whiskey or offer cigarettes to animals at the local zoo.

If you sell hollow logs in Tennessee, you are breaking the law.

Compulsive gamblers stay out of Richmond, VA: it is even illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for the coffee.

Have it your way, but don't share it in OK. This state forbids a person from taking a bite out of another person's hamburger.

Need a radio on Sunday? In Spokane, WA, you can buy one on the Sabbath, but forget about purchasing a television!

In the state of New York, you need a license to use a clothesline outdoors.

What happens to doughnut holes? Well, they won't be found in Lehigh NE. Selling doughnut holes in this city is verboten.

And if any retirees from the circus are thinking about settling down and farming in NC, they are forwarned right here and now that it is against the law in this state to use elephants to plow cotton fields!

It is illegal to take more than 2 baths a month within Boston confines, and two people cannot kiss in front of a church. All Public Displays of Affection (PDAs) are forbidden on Sunday.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Calgary there is a by-law that is still on the books that requires businesses within the city to provide rails for tying up horses.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pennsylvania:
In certain sections of Pennsylvania many years ago, the Farmer's Anti-Automobile society set up some "rules of the road." In effect, they said:

1. "Automobiles travelling on country roads at night must send up a rocket every mile, then wait ten minutes for the road to clear."

2. "If a driver sees a team of horses, he is to pull to one side of the road and cover his machine with a blanket or dust cover that has been painted to blend into the scenery."

3. "In the event that a horse refuses to pass a car on the road, the owner must take his car apart and conceal the parts in the bushes."

Utah:

It is against the law to fish from horseback.

Ohio:

In Bexley, Ordinance number 223, of 09/09/19 prohibits the installation and usage of slot machines in outhouses.

Indiana:

Back in 1924, a monkey was convicted in South Bend of the crime of smoking a cigarette and sentenced to pay a 25 dollar fine and the trial costs.

Kansas:

No one may catch fish with his bare hands in Kansas.

California:
In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits.

Oklahoma:

Harthahorne City Ordinance, Section 363, states that it shall be unlawful to put any hypnotized person in a display window.

In Clawson, Mich., there is a law that makes it LEGAL for a farmer to sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens.

In Gary, Ind., persons are prohibited from attending a movie house or other theater and from riding a public streetcar within four hours of eating garlic.

In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.

In Detroit, couples are banned from making love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.

In Harford, Conn., you aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands.

In Nicholas County, W. Va., no member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.

In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

In Los Angeles, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap.

In Kentucky, "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club"

An amendment to the above legislation: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to female horses."


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In Grand Haven, Michigan, no person shall throw an abandoned hoop skirt into any street or on any sidewalk, under penalty of a five- dollar fine for each offense.

In Russell, Kansas, it is against the law to have a musical car horn.

A Glendale, California, ordinance permits horror films to be shown only on Mondays, Tuesdays, or Wednesdays.

Cicero, Illinois, prohibits humming on public streets on Sundays.

Hunting with a rifle is permitted in Norfolk County, Virgina - provided that the hunter is fifteen feet off the ground.

You may water your lawn on Staten Island, New York, provided that you hold the hose in your hand while doing so; but to lay a hose on the lawn or to use a sprinkler for watering your lawn is unlawful.

Clinton County, Ohio, calls for a fine for anyone caught leaning against a public building.

Loins may not be taken to the theater in Maryland.

Abilene, Texas, makes it illegal to idle or loiter anyplace within the corporate limits of the city for the purpose of flirting or mashing.

[zardoz]

A young man left his job at the golf driving range late one day. His job was to retrieve the gold balls that were hit way off course, but by the time he retrieved them, the shop had already closed for the night. He dicided to take them home, and bring them back the next day. Luckily there was a late bus for him to catch.

He entered the bus with both front pants pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful woman, (you guessed it,) Blonde. The puzzled woman kept looking at him and the bulging pockets. Finally, after quite a few glances from her, he said, "It' s golf balls".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[zardoz]

King Arthur is going off to war and wants to ensure that his wife Gwenevere is faithful, so he locks her in a chastity belt.

He then goes to Lancelot and tells him to stay and protect the castle and gives him the key to the chastity belt. Arthur asks Lancelot to guard the key, but if Arthur should die in battle, Lancelot is to give it to Gwenevere so that she may wed again.

Arthur says his goodbyes and goes riding off to battle, but only gets about 2 miles before Lancelot comes riding up shouting, "Sire! Sire! It's the wrong key!"

[eastside]

What might have happened if Germans had bought out P&O instead of the UAE?
German Coast Guard

(You may have to use Internet Explorer because the page uses the Windows Media Player.)

[dmoore74]

Texas Humor

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about
paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some
mathematical help.

He called her into office and said, "You graduated from
University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"

"Everything but my earrings."

(You gotta' love those Texas Gals.)

========================================================

A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired
off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters
returned alone, staggering under the weight of an 8-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of
miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer
back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one
is going to steal Henry!"

========================================================

A University of Texas senior from Oklahoma was over
heard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be
back in Oklahoma."

When asked why, he stated that everything happens there
20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.

========================================================

The young Texan came running into the store and said to
his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from
the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young Texan answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got
the license number."

========================================================

NEWS FLASH! -

Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small 2-seat
Cessna 150 plane, piloted by 2 Texas A&M students, crashed into
a College Station cemetery earlier today.

Search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so
far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the
evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the
recovery efforts.

========================================================

A Texas State trooper pulled over a Oklahoma pickup on
I-35.

The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout' whut?"

========================================================

A Texan had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the
road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the
car and one behind it.

Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so
curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow
what the problem was.

The man replied, "I have a flat tire."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down, they tell you
to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did
understand it either.

=======================================================

A visiting minister prayed during the offertory prayer

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a
rapturous look on his upturned face, "Without You, we are but
dust "

He would have continued; but, at that moment, one very
obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change)
leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill
little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

(Church was pretty much over at that point.)

[dmoore74]

23rd Qualm
The 23rd Qualm (Written by a retired Methodist minister. )

Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.
He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war,
I will find no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days of
thy term, And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.