Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[chad thomas]

Jim, That is TOOOOO funny. I'm laughing so hard I can't breath.[(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D]

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to let you know the New Homeland Security Bill has passed. Things will be different now and Internet surfing as you know it will be tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method." The FBI says you will not notice anything different.



For a demonstration, click on the link below:

http://users.chartertn.net/tonytemplin/FBI_eyes/

[dmoore74]

True or not it's funny.

Never bring plants into the house.


Garden Grass Snakes (also known as Garter snakes... Thamnophis sirtalis) can be dangerous... Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why...

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendants rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out.

About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher.

That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor man. He volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake.

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

The little snake again crawled out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, burning drapes, were seen by the neighbors who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed. Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, The police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The husband asked his wife if she thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

That's when she shot him.

[edbenton]

Actually, most of the early immigrants settling in central and northern Minnesota were Swedish, I think. Northern Wisconsin got the Norwegians.

They say the Minneapolis/St. Paul freeway system was designed by a drunken Swede...

[blhanel]

QUOTE: Originally posted by CANADIANPACIFIC2816

QUOTE: Originally posted by samfp1943

Canadian Pacific...
Are Ole and Lena Norwegian or Swedish??
In Minnesota they would be Norwegian[?]...I think it must be the COLD!
In Texas it would be Pedro and Pancho stories..[:I][:o)][:o)]
Have a good day!
Sam

Sam,

I am of Norwegian descent, so naturally Ole and Lena would have to be Norwegians. I kind of wi***here was a Smilie waving the Norwegian flag.

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

Actually, most of the early immigrants settling in central and northern Minnesota were Swedish, I think. Northern Wisconsin got the Norwegians.

They say the Minneapolis/St. Paul freeway system was designed by a drunken Swede...

[zardoz]

There is a factory in America which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm. A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00am.

The next day at 8:45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The personnel manager decides he should see this for himself so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around 2 marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test TICKLES".

[zardoz]

A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”

Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.”

To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair.”

[zardoz]

A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some a$$hole's got my pen."

[dmoore74]

REVENGE OF THE BLONDES

> > -----1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
> > (because they are plugged into a genius)
> >
> > 2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
> > (they don't have enough time)
> >
> > 3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE
> > ONE EGG?
> > (they don't stop to ask directions)
> >
> > 4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
> > (because their balls fall over their butt-hole and
> > they vapor lock)
> > (You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
> >
> > 5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
> > (so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails
> > parties)
> >
> > 6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
> > (you need a rough draft before you make a final
> > copy)
> >
> > 7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT
> > DOWN?
> > (don't know.....it never happened)
> >
> > ( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
> >
> > And my personal favorite:
> > 8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
> > (because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)
> >
> > Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face
> > and laughter in your
> > heart.....Then you are just an old sour fart.

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

Ole was on a construction crew and they were putting up a high-rise office building. One day it was lunch time and Ole and two other construction workers were sitting on an iron beam 25 stories off the ground. The first construction worker opens his lunch box and pulls out a baloney sandwich. He says, "Ugh, I'm getting sick and tired of eating baloney sandwiches day after day, and if I get another baloney sandwich in my lunch tomorrow, I'm gonna jump." The second construction worker pulls a tuna fish sandwich from his lunch box, and he says, "Im with you. I'm getting sick of eating tuna day after day and if I get a tuna fish sandwich in my lunch tomorrow, I too will jump." Ole pulls a peanut butter sandwhich out of his box and he says, "I'm wit you guys too. I'm getting sick and tired of eating peanut butter day after day and if I get anodder peanut butter sandwich in my lunch tomorrow, I vill yump too."

The next day Ole and the two other construction workers are sitting down for lunch, and they are sitting on an Iron beam 27 stories up. The first man pulls a ham and cheese sandwich out of his lunch box and he is happy with what he got for lunch. The second construction worker pulls a roast beef sandwich out of his box, and he too is happy with what he got for lunch. Ole reaches into his lunch box and he pulls out a peanut butter sandwich. "Ugh! Peanut butter! I told you guys dat if I got anodder peanut butter sandwhich in my lunch box, I vould yump!" And with that, Ole stood up, stepped off the iron beam and fell 27 stories to his death.

After a moment of silence, one of the remaining construction workers looked at the other and he said, "That poor Ole. He's been packing his own lunch for months!!"

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

A LITTLE OUTHOUSE HUMOR

Ole and Lena lived on a farm, yah? Yah! They had no running water in the house, yah? Yah! So they had an outhouse in the back yard, yah? Yah!

One day Ole decided it was time to clean the muck out of the pit of the outhouse, yah? Yah! So he grabs his rubber waders, work gloves, a shovel and a bucket and heads for the outhouse. Along comes his neighbor Lars and Lars asks him what he is doing. Ole tells Lars that he is about to clean all the accumulated muck out of the outhouse pit.

Lars tells Ole that there is a much easier and quicker way to accompli***his task, "Go to da hardware store Ole, and buy tree sticks of dynamite. You take da first two sticks of da dynamite, wrap da fuses togedder and ya trow dem into da outhouse. Den, ya trow da tird stick of dynamite down da hole. Da first two sticks of dynamite vill lift da outhouse off da foundation and da tird stick of dynamite will blow all da muck out of da outhouse. It's dat simple!"

So Ole runs to the hardware store and buys three sticks of dynamite. He gets home with the dynamite and does what Lars has told him to do with it. Just as he has lit the fuse on the third stick of dynamite and is throwing it down the hole, Lena comes running from the house with a look of urgency on her face. Ole shouts a warning at Lena, but his warning falls on deaf ears.

KaBOOM!! KaBOOM! The outhouse is lifted skywards with Lena sitting inside it, and when it settles back to earth, it has been shattered, reduced to kindling. Lena surveys the situation around her and says, "Ufda!! It's a good ting I didn't do dat in da house!!!"

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[espeefoamer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by samfp1943

Canadian Pacific...
Are Ole and Lena Norwegian or Swedish??
In Minnesota they would be Norwegian[?]...I think it must be the COLD!
In Texas it would be Pedro and Pancho stories..[:I][:o)][:o)]
Have a good day!
Sam

(Said in a Norwegian-or Sweedish-accent,)I cant see Pedro and Pancho moving thier car because the snowplow is coming[;)][:p]!

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

A dumb blonde is driving her brand new sports car when all of a sudden the engine just dies. She is unable to restart her car, so she gets out of the car, and with one hand on the stearing wheel she pushes it into a nearby service station. A mechanic soon lifts the hood and begins to check out the engine. Before long he has the engine running, and running in top condition. The blonde says to the mechanic, "It was running fine for me when I left home and then it just died on me down the street. So what's the story?"
And without even looking at her, he says "Oh, crap in the carbuerator." The dumb blonde responds with, "And just how often must I do THAT??!!"

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[zardoz]

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.

"No," he says, "The seat is empty."

"This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"

He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1987."

"Oh...I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".

The man shakes his head. "No they're all at the funeral."

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

QUOTE: Originally posted by samfp1943

Canadian Pacific...
Are Ole and Lena Norwegian or Swedish??
In Minnesota they would be Norwegian[?]...I think it must be the COLD!
In Texas it would be Pedro and Pancho stories..[:I][:o)][:o)]
Have a good day!
Sam

Sam,

I am of Norwegian descent, so naturally Ole and Lena would have to be Norwegians. I kind of wi***here was a Smilie waving the Norwegian flag.

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[tree68]

Several years past I was a member of an amateur journalism group. Members created various printed items in suitable quantities and the items were included in a monthly mailing to all members. One of the items in one of those "bundles" one month was a book of lawyer jokes. To wit:

A lawyer was questioning one of the witnesses.
"Are you sure my client shot him at close range?"
The witness said, "Very close range."
"Were there any powder marks on him?"
"Yup. Why do you think she shot him?"

or

Children who never come when parents call will grow up to be doctors. Children who come before they're called will grow up to be lawyers.

More to follow, from time to time.

[samfp1943]

Canadian Pacific...
Are Ole and Lena Norwegian or Swedish??
In Minnesota they would be Norwegian[?]...I think it must be the COLD!
In Texas it would be Pedro and Pancho stories..[:I][:o)][:o)]
Have a good day!
Sam

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

It was a cold February morning and it was snowing outside. Ole and Lena were sitting at their kitchen table listening to the radio and drinking their morning coffee. The local weather man came on the air and announced, "Well folks, we've already got four inches of snow on the ground and there is another two to four inches coming within the next several hours. To make it easier for the snow removal crews to move the accumulated snow, your are advised to park your cars on the south side of the street."
Ole says to Lena, "O.K., I vill go out and move da car."

The following morning Ole and Lena are again sitting at their kitchen table, listening to the radio and drinking their morning coffee. The weatherman comes on the air and he says, "Well folks, we got six inches of snow last night and there is another four to six inches of it on the way before tomorrow morning. To make it easier for the snow removal crews to move the accumulated snow, you are now advised to park your cars on the north side of the street." Ole looks at Lena and says, "O.K., I vill go out and move da car again."

The next morning Ole and Lena are once again at the breakfast table drinking their coffee and listening to the radio. The weatherman comes on and says, "Well folks, we got seven inches of snow last night and we have another six to eight inches on the way before tomorrow morning. To make it easier for the snow removal crews to move the accumulated snow, you want to park your cars on the........."Just then the power fails and the radio goes silent. Ole looks at Lena and he says, "Oh no, Lena, now vhat am I gonna do?" Lena responds by saying, "Oh Ole, vhy don't you yust leave da car in da garage dis time??"

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

And as Paul Harvey would say,

"And now you know the REST of the story."

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[zardoz]

It's all in how you "spin" it:

You are working on your family genealogy and for sake of example, let's say that your great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

A cousin has supplied you with the only known photograph of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture are the words:

"Remus Starr: Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889."

Pretty grim situation, right? But let's revise things a bit. We simply crop the picture, scan in an enlarged image and edit it with image processing software so that all that is seen is a head shot.

Next, we rewrite the text:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad.

Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Now you know how political speeches are created.

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

DUMB BLONDE JOKE

This blonde headed gal walks into her doctor's office, complaining that no matter where she touches herself, it hurts. The doctor says, "That's impossible! Show me!"
So she touches her left arm and she screams in agony. She then touches her right knee and screams in agony. She then touches her forehead and once more she screams in agony. The doctor is watching all this, slowly shaking his head. "I think I've got it figured out." The dumb blonde asks him what his diagnosis is and he says to her, "Your finger is broken."

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[zardoz]

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck on a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

[zardoz]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[Anonymous]

Ole and Lena joke..................
Ole is on his deathbed, asking "Lena, my wife, are you here?"
"Yes, Ole, I'm here."
"Is my son, Sven here? And my daughter, Inga?"
"Yes, Ole. They're here."
"Are my brothers and sisters here?"
"Yes, Ole, they're all here with you."

"If you're all here, why is the kitchen light still on?"

[Anonymous]

Got one
A man called Amtrak to talk with an agent. "What time will train 22 be getting into Chicago?" he asks. "Should be in before 22:00, its very late today," the agent replied. "Thank god, things will work out then," the man replied. "I take it you're family?" the agent questions. "No, actually, I'm a passenger on train 22...You see, nobody around here tells us anything!" Note I did hear this on the payphone recently...

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

The cartoons which appeared in Model Railroader during the 70's were some of the best I had ever seen.

In one such cartoon, this guy has tied up and gagged the cat and he is sealing it up in a hole in the wall with brick and mortar. His layout behind him is in shambles, and his wife is at the top of the stairs........."Honey, have you seen the cat anywhere? I can't find him!" And as you might well guess, I detest cats.

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[Mikeygaw]

http://kittenwar.com/
Kitten wars! May the cutest kitten win.

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

Where I live, we have a lot of people who are of Scandinavian descent. And I am of Norwegian descent, so naturally I like to tell stories about Norwegians.

Two Norwegians from Minnesota went moose hunting up in Northern Canada. And between the two of them they bagged six head of moose. They had contracted with a private pilot to fly them and their six head of moose back to Minnesota and they got into an argument when the pilot told them that he could only place two of the moose carcasses on the plane, and any more than that the plane would be seriously overloaded. Ole got mad and told the pilot that, "Ve vent moose hunting up here last year and we got six moose and our pilot agreed to take all six moose on board his plane and fly us back to Minnesota..........and his air plane was da exact make and model dat you have!" Ole finally convinced the pilot to fly them out with all six moose on board his plane. Shortly after take-off, the plane crashed and the pilot was killed outright. Ole and his buddy Lars crawled out of the wreckage and they both looked around. And Lars says to Ole, "Ole, do you know vhere ve are??" Ole's response was,
"Yah, I tink ve are not far from vhere ve crashed last year!"

Ole and Lena wanted to get married, and wanting to be sure that he was in good health before she married him, Lena sends Ole to her doctor for a physical exam. The doctor is poking and prodding with Ole and checking everything out, when he says to him, "Say Ole, there is something about Lena that you really should know before you marry her." Ole says, "What's dat, doc?" The doctor tells Ole, "Lena has acute angina."(angina is a medical term for chronic chest pain) Ole responds by saying, "Dat's nothing, doc. You should see what her boobs look like!!"

A Norwegian farmer, Ole and his son Lars were digging a large hole in the ground to bury a dead animal in and because it was so badly decomposed, they were arguing among themselves as to whether it was a horse or a cow. The local pastor comes walking down the road with his Bible in hand and they decided to ask the pastor for his opinion of the situation. The pastor closes his eyes and he thumbs his way through the good book and opens it to a specific passage. "According to what the good book says, it's an ***." Ole and Lars thank the reverend for rendering his opinion and the reverend continues on his walk down the road. Pretty soon Sven from a neighboring farm shows up and he say's to them, "Vhat are you guys doing? Are you digging a fox hole?" Ole looks at Sven and says, "Not according to vhat da good book says!!"

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[CANADIANPACIFIC2816]

In the year 1905 there was a revolution of sorts taking place down in Mexico. And the leader of this so-called revolution was a fierce Mexican hombre who's name was Fransisco "Pancho" Villa. Pancho was wanted by both the U.S. government and the Mexican authorities.

One day the "Federalies" were out searching for Pancho Villa and they ran into a Mexican peasant farmer who was riding his donkey to the markets in Mexico City. They stopped him and they asked him if he had seen Pancho Villa. He responded to them by saying, "Si. Yesterday I was riding my donkey to the markets in Mexico City when I was stopped by a fierce looking hombre on a white stallion. He pulled out his pistol, pointed it at me and ordered me to get off my donkey." "What could I do, senores, he had a gun on me. So I got off my donkey. He then ordered me to get down and eat donkey sh**! What could I do, senores, he had a gun on me. So I got down and ate it. By this time he was laughing so hard that he dropped his gun, I grabbed it and I ordered him to get off his horse. What could he do, Senores? I had his gun on him. So he got down off his horse. I then ordered him to get down and eat horse sh**! What could he do, Senores?, I had his gun on him. So he got down and ate it!"

"And you are asking me if I had seen Pancho Villa? Well Hell, yesterday we had lunch together!!!"

I once told this story to an uncle of mine who lives in Estes Park, Colorado. He and I had gone for a walk down a gravel road in his neighborhood and I saw some horse droppings and it reminded me of this story, so I told it to my uncle. And to this day, he insists that it was I who had lunch with that infamous Mexican bandit, Pancho Villa!!

CANADIANPACIFIC2816

[espeefoamer]

Amtrak's California Zephyr was running through the Rockies with only two units.One broke down leaving the train to struggle on with only one engine.Eventually,that unit ,too,quit running.The engineer got on the PA system and made the following announcemant. "Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news and bad news.The bad news is both engines have broken down,and we can't move until they send some engines up from Denver.The good news is,you're not on a plane"!