Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Tharmeni]

The old retired railroader was watching TV when his wife, obviously bored, said "Honey, let's go upstairs and make love!"

He looked at her and said "Well, pick one. At my age, I can't do both."

[Anonymous]

A few to get you going today.


Did you hear the one about the guy who sent twenty different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh.
No pun in ten did. [:0] [B)] [}:)]


Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him .....(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's
good).....A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


I would give credit to the person who emailed me these, but I think if I did my life would be in serious trouble. [}:)] [;)] [:D]

[vsmith]

Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,"I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear,"DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began, her voice heard clearly through the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!" Without flinching she smiled and said, "I'm sorry,sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

And the VERY BEST snappy answer:

Snappy Answer #5

THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR: A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever! A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles empathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand. "

[Anonymous]

I received the following funnies in an email this morning. Enjoy [:o)]

School Project

My 12-year-old daughter asked me, "Mom, do you have a
baby picture of yourself? I need it for a school project."
I gave her one without thinking to ask what the project was.

A few days later, I was in her classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when I noticed my face pinned to a mural the students had created. .......The title was "The Oldest Thing in my House." [}:)] [B)] [8]



I was teaching my 6-year-old daughter how to unbuckle her
seat belt. She asked, "Do I click the square?" I said yes.

She asked me, "Single click or double click?" [8D]



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first -- the truck, the car, fishing, always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

I was gone only a few minutes.

When I came out again, I handed her a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," I said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

The doctors say I will eventually walk again, but I will always have a limp. [:0]



In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-
off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the
doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out, it scraped
along the tunnel all the way to the next station and it was
a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a
dollar.
[^]

[miniwyo]

and some Photo fun.





Not mine BTW.

[miniwyo]

Try this one

How do you get 4 old ladies to say the eff word?














Have a 5th one yell BINGO!

[zardoz]

Top Ten Reasons You Know You Just Bid In The Wrong Yard Job

10. The Yardmaster radios your Foreman telling him to be sure and pull the Rips, the Foreman replies: "Only if you come down here and pull my finger first!”

9. The Foreman and the Engineer are both from Alabama, after work they invite you to come on up for a little “Snipe Hunting."

8. Your helper shows up for work with an umbrella instead of a rain suit.

7. You beg the Yardmaster to let you spot the Slaughter House, because the smell on the pit helps masks your Foreman's cologne.

6. The Yardmaster on duty used to be a clerk.

5. The Foreman on the job is actually a 'Planner' that just got bumped.

4. You just learned that the Foreman and Engineer have loaded up with over $5,000 worth of job insurance and they announce: "It's time for some Kamikaze Switching!"

3. The Engineer is wearing a "Talledega 500" T-shirt and muttering to himself, "No brake, only RUN 8."

2. Your Engineer insists on loosening his suspenders, taking off his shoes, and eating a whole fried chicken before moving the locomotive.

1. Your boots have been on the railroad longer than the new Trainmaster that 'supervises" the job.

[zardoz]

"Dearly Beloved" by Bob Eley

We are gathered here today in accordance with the FRA, AAR, TC and other regulatory bodies to unite these two units in M.U. service. If anyone takes exception, file your grievance or get in the clear.
(Insert groom's name here) Do you take this woman to be your trailing unit, tying down your pin lifter forever, and permanently restricting yourself from interchange service, even with newer, freshly painted units, remaining coupled despite flat wheels, sticking brakes, even unto bad orders and major derailments, until you are both rendered unto scrap? If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by CROR Rule 14(b).
And, (groom's first name), do you promise to pull this unit up ruling grade, using throttle and brake wisely to prevent rough train handling, broken knuckles, and pulled drawbars, applying sand as necessary to prevent wheel slip, so that you both crest the hill together, regardless of the trailing tonnage? If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by CROR Rule 14(b). And do you also promise not to cut away from your trailing unit, even when her side sheets have rusted through, and her paint job has faded? If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by CROR Rule 14(b).
Now, (insert bride's name here), do you take this man to be your lead unit, tying down your pin-lifter forever, and permanently removing yourself from interchange service, even with newer series, high adhesion, high horsepower units, remaining coupled despite flat wheels, sticking brakes, even unto bad orders and major derailments, until you are both rendered unto scrap?
If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by CROR Rule 14(b). And do you promise to respond promptly to throttle and brake commands from your lead unit, handling your share of the tonnage, and helping your lead unit up ruling grade when necessary, being ever cautious to avoid unnecessary drawbar buffer forces? If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by CROR Rule 14(b).
Do you also promise to remain coupled to your lead unit, even when he has traction motors cut out, and can no longer develop full horse- power? If so, signify by sounding your whistle as prescribed by CROR Rule 14(b).
Now, (insert bride and groom's name), as a token of your intent to M.U., make the joint and stretch the slack. By the power invested in me by the General Manager, Superintendent of Operations, and the Road Foreman of Engines, I now pronounce you permanently coupled. You may cut in the air.

[Sterling1]

Since when did it become so dirty to joke, eh?

Plus some people are working regardless of the "holiday"

[Sterling1]

I don't see the trains anywhere ...

Too many men and too few women ... that's my college for ya ...

Easy for me to say ...

[Anonymous]

Well, as it's Christmas and everybody seems to be way off the subject ( Trains, remember?) I'm going to go one better and repeat an extract from a book dated 1730 that I found on a shelf when visiting my mother yesterday. The book is entitled '"A collection of precedents relating to the office of a Justice of Peace". To the constables of the parish of Sandy in the said County of Bedford. Whereas information hath this day been made on Oath before me, one of his Majesty's Justices of the peace for this county, by Charles Dawson of Biggleswade in the said County of Bedford, that Edward Fisher of your said Parish of Sandy, Gentlemen, hath lately worn and continues to wear one Cloth Suit of Clothes, with Buttons made of Cloth, contrary to a statute in that case made : These are therefore, in his Majesty's Name to require and authorise you to levy by Distress and Sale of the Goods of the said Edward Fisher, the Sum of eight Pounds ( about $15,000 in today's money), the Penalty he hath forfeited for the said offence, pursuant to the said Statute, being after the Rate of forty Shillings per Dozen for the Buttons of the Clothes so worn; one moiety whereof you are to pay to the said Carles Dawson the Informer, on whose Oath the said Edward Fisher was convicted of the said Offence; and the other moiety apply to the use of the poor of the said Parish of Sandy aforesaid. Given under my Hand and Seal, &c. What I want to know is - why was it a crime to wear cloth buttons, and why the hell was he wearing four dozen of them ?

[CShaveRR]

I spent two minutes on it, and "survived" about fifty times!

[Anonymous]

The email that contained the following link stated that the Air Force uses this game in training for fighter pilots. They are to go at least 2 minutes in this game.


http://tinyurl.com/56t9u


Enjoy.

[espeefoamer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than a sack of rocks. It tells me that someone stole our tent."

[(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D]

[Murphy Siding]

QUOTE: Originally posted by rrandb

This is supposidly a true story. Winston Churchill was seated next to a woman at a dinner party who found him so abrasive she told him " Sir if you were my husband I would poisen your drink!" He replied " Madam if you were my wife I would gladly drink it !!!"

He is also credited with the following story: At a dinner party, a woman told him he was drunk. He replied "I may be drunk, but you are ugly, and tommorrow I'll be sober".

[dmoore74]

WeeWeeChu



One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were
sitting by the side of the ocean. It was a romantic full moon, when
Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon" said Rosita.

"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu.
I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please, corazoncito, just once, play Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu."
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas,
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year."

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!





Get your mind out of the gutter...............it's Christmas for goodness sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[CShaveRR]

Wish I knew Japanese--but the laughter's universal!

[zardoz]

This one is even relevant, in that part of it takes place on a train.......
http://images2.jokaroo.net/videos/grandpajapan.wmv

[zardoz]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto stopped in the desert for the night.

After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?"

Tonto is silent for a moment, then says, "Kemo Sabe, you dumber than a sack of rocks. It tells me that someone stole our tent."

[rrandb]

This is supposidly a true story. Winston Churchill was seated next to a woman at a dinner party who found him so abrasive she told him " Sir if you were my husband I would poisen your drink!" He replied " Madam if you were my wife I would gladly drink it !!!"

[vsmith]

A Touching Christmas Tale

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process
all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day just before Christmas, a letter landed on his desk, simply addressed
in shaky handwriting to "God".

With no other clue on the envelope, he opened the letter and read,

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on the State pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had in
the world and no pension due until after Christmas. Next week is Christmas
and I had invited two of my friends over for +mas dinner. Without that
money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you
are my only hope. God; can you please help me?"

The postal worker was really touched, and put a copy of the letter up on the
Staff Notice board, at the main sorting office where he worked.

The letter touched the other postal workers and they all dug into their
pockets and had a whip round. Between them they raised $96. Using an
official franked Post Office envelope, they sent the cash on to the old
lady, and for the rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking
of the nice thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter simply addressed
to "God" landed in the Sorting Office. Many of the postal workers gathered
around while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your generosity, I was able to provide a lovely dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day, and I told my friends of your wonderful gift - in fact we haven't gotten over it
and our Vicar is beside himself with joy.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
***s at the Post Office."

Thanks again for your help.

[tree68]

While #7 has been around so long (and is so outrageous) that it has to be urban legend, some of the others have a certain grain of truth. More often than not those cases get settled out of court for an amount that's probably less than the insurance company would have paid to fight it in court...

[rrnut282]

I would hope that explains the other "Stella award nominees" as well. I find it hard to believe that any sane, rational judge would allow a suit like that to go to trial. I really find it hard to believe that there was (are) juries out there that would reward that kind of stupidity. Although it is a jury of one's "peers". [banghead]

Otherwise, keep em coming Z.

[dmoore74]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

The following are this year's candidates:

1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.

4. A. Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 a! after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

6. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

Regarding candidate #7 please check the following: http://www.snopes.com/autos/techno/cruise.asp

[zardoz]

It's time once again to consider the candidates for the annual Stella Awards. The Stella's are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonalds. That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

The following are this year's candidates:

1. Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a nightclub in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

2. Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next-door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3. A 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hub caps.

4. A. Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 a! after she slipped on a soft drink spill and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

5. Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't reenter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

6. A jury of her peers awarded Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, $780,000 after breaking her ankle by tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

7. This year's favorite could easily be Mr. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mr. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On his first trip home, having driven onto the freeway, he set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back and make himself a cup of coffee. Not surprisingly, the R.V. left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mr. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising him in the owner's manual that he couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded him $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons buying their recreation vehicles.

[zardoz]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET WHEN:

1. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."

2. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

3. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.

4. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

5. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.

6. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.

7. Your cat has its own homepage.

8. You beg your friends to get an AOL account so you can all "hang out."

9. You have your screen name as your license plate.

10. You actually invite large groups of people to your house and have internet parties.

11. You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.

12. You get up in the morning and check your email before going to the bathroom.

13. The only Family you send Christmas and Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address.

14. You’re on the phone and say "BRB".

15. Instead of forplay, you ask your spouse if she/he wants to skip the small talk and cyber.

16. You have internet in your bathroom.

17. You name your dog DotCom.

18. You get depressed when you check your email and dont have any.

[zardoz]

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.

"No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?"

The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head "No. They're all at the funeral."

[zardoz]

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few feet away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, Apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. He just walked in the door."

[zardoz]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill, and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to said he had a real good time!"

[zardoz]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"