Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

A woman went to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs .. a green spot on the inside of each. They wouldn't wash off, they wouldn't scrape off and they seemed to be getting worse.

The doctor assured her that he'd get to the bottom of the problem, and told her not to worry until the tests came back.

A few days later, the woman's phone rang. Much to her relief, it's the doctor.

She immediately begged to know what was causing the spots?

The doctor said "You're perfectly healthy there's no problem. But I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"

The woman stammered, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"

"Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

[zardoz]

THE CORRECT WAY TO COME HOME DRUNK!

Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. Take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL Wakes Up, and Yells at me for staying out so late!

"His buddy looks at him and says "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, pee hard into the toilet water, then use the full flush, throw my shoes in the closet, undress in the bedroom, then jump into bed, slap her o! n the butt and say!, WHO'S HORNY????!!!" and she acts like she's sound asleep.

It Works Every Time!!

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith


-From the mouth of our Fearless Leader . . .

Those were great! [(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D]


jhhtrainsplanes: that Blue Ball Machine is very cool; how did you possible find something like that?!

[vsmith]

A few minutes before the services started in the local church, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said,

"Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

“And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied,
"Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

[vsmith]

-From the mouth of our Fearless Leader . . .

____________________________________________________________________________________________
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."
- George W. Bush

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- George W. Bush

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that
one word is 'to be prepared'."
- Governor George W. Bush

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in
the future."
- Governor George W. Bush

"The future will be better tomorrow."
- Governor George W. Bush

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."
- Governor George W. Bush

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a
firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe."
- Governor George W. Bush

"Public speaking is very easy."
- Governor George W. Bush

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."
- Governor George W. Bush

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Governor George W. Bush

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."
- Governor George W. Bush

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."
- Governor George W. Bush

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities
in our air and water that are doing it."
- Governor George W. Bush

"It's time for the human race to enter the solar system."
- Governor George W. Bush

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."
- Governor George W. Bush

[vsmith]

Subject: Forrest Gump is one of my favorite movie characters !

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.

St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance
examination for everyone.
The tests are short, but you have to pass them before you can get into Heaven.

Forrest responds, "It shor is good to be here St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any
entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
Here it goes:

1. What days of the week begin with the letter T?

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

3. What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves
him up and says, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest says, "Well, the first one -- how many days in the week begin with
the letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forrest, that's not what I was thinking,
but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give you credit for that answer."

How about the next one?" asks St, Peter. How many seconds in a year?"

Now that one's harder," says Forrest, "but I thunk and thunk about that and guess
the only answer can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with
twelve seconds in a year?"

Forest says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . . "

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see what you had in mind,
but I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the next and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name"?

Sure" Forrest replied, "its Andy."

ANDY?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. "Ok, I can understand how you came up with
your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name of Andy
as the first name of God?"

Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I learned it from the song. . . .

"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN..."

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Forrest... run."

[vsmith]

Let see. Might have already done a few of these, back around page 23 or so....[:D]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.

St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flu***oilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flu***oilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers,

"Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[edbenton]

Why is that a baby that weighs 7 lbs can fill a diaper with around4 lbs of soilds at one time[?][%-)] does that not defy a law a physics

[Anonymous]

Thanks Z and V for getting us back on track. [8D]

If you have some (or a lot) of free time on your hands go here:

http://blueballfixed.ytmnd.com/

I think this guy must have gotten some of the inner-outters, upper-downers, lefter-righter, up-under, in-out drugs from the post memtioned above. [:I] [;)] [:o)]

BYW, this thing might take a few minutes to download, lots going on there.

[zardoz]

Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extra curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house...walked home....and left it there all night.

[ironhorseman]

“I was hanging around a switchyard minding my own business and a man with a gun and a badge came up and said “what are you hanging around for?” and I said “for whatever’s going around I’ll have some.” [:D]
… …
“He didn’t think that was too funny either. Well I said “I’m just looking for my baby,” and he said “a bad place to look for your baby,” and I said “I got a bad baby!”” [}:)]

-Johnny Cash

I heard that off a music video. I saw this DVD at Walton’s Market called Johnny Cash: Live At Montreux 1994. It pretty much sat there all summer and I wasn’t sure I wanted it or should be spending my hard(ly) earned and overtaxed dollar and cents on another DVD. Well, I finally bought it last week and I’m glad I did, it was the last one in stock.

[tup] 19 songs in a 65min concert with 3 train songs: Folsom Prison Blues, Let The Train Whistle Blow, and Orange Blossom Special (where he tells that joke above).

For those interested:
http://www.eaglerockent.com/eaglerockUSA/media_detail.php?media_id=547
http://www.montreuxjazz.com/index_en.aspx


“Well, I don’t care if I do-di-do-di-do-di-do-di-do”

[DaveBr]

I think I posted this a year ago somewhere...
There was this old prospector who went into town every month for his
supplies.So it was another hot summer month and he had to go into town
again.He gets into town and over at the General store early in the morning
and loads up his Donkey and sees that he still has time for a couple of
drinks across the way at the saloon.After a while or so called couple of drinks
he goes out starts pulling his donkey full of supplies out of town.Pretty soon he comes to a little hill and his donkey stops.He gets in front and pulls then in back and pulls ,still the donkey wont move.Pretty soon a man in a T bird
drives up and ask the prospector if he could help.The prospector looks at the
t bird and thinks the man is joking,so he said ok.Heask the prospector what
the trouble was,and the prospector explained.the man asked the prospector
for his big frying pan and after he got the big frying pan he stepped in the
back of the donkey and lets a big swing with the pan..The donkey lets a fart
and runs up the hill.Just as I thought said the man..VAPOR LOCKED.

[zardoz]

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

If a cow laughed real hard, would milk come out her nose?

Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?

Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong?

Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

How can someone "draw a blank"?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?

Why is the word "abbreviate" so long?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

What is another word for "thesaurus"?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"?

If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

Is there another word for synonym?

Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[zardoz]

"Psst, c'mere," said the shifty-eyed man wearing a long black trenchcoat, as he beckoned me off the rainy street into a damp dark alley. I followed.

"What are you selling?" I asked.

"Geometrical algebra drugs."

"Huh!?"

"Geometry drugs. Ya got your uppers, your downers, your sidewaysers, your inside-outers..."

"Stop right there," I interrupted. "I've never heard of inside-outers."

"Oh, man, you'll love 'em. Makes you feel like M.C. ever-lovin' Escher on a particularly weird day."

"Go on..."

"OK, your inside-outers, your arbitrary bilinear mappers, and here, heh, here are the best ones," he said, pulling out a large clear bottle of orange pills.

"What are those, then?" I asked.

"Givens transformers. They'll rotate you about more planes than you even knew existed."

"Sounds gross. What about those bilinear mappers?"

"There's a whole variety of them. Here's one you'll love -- they call it 'One Over Z' on the street. Take one of these little bad boys and you'll be on speaking terms with the Point at Infinity."

[Anonymous]

I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

[miniwyo]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

You're from Rural Canada if.....

That also applies to almost anywhere in Wyoming.

[dmoore74]

Subject: Science in Action!


An Iowa farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone number was called.

4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed
by pissing and moaning.

[morseman]

what is a cat?

1) Cats do what they want.
2) They rarely listen to you
3) They're totally unpredicatable
4) They whine when they are not happy
5) When you want to play, they want to be alone
6) When you want to be alone, they want to play
7) They want you to cater to their every whim.
8) They're moody
9) They leave hair everywhere
10) They drive you nuts and cost you an arm and a leg

Conclusion: They're tiny little women in fur coats.

[Noah Hofrichter]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith
Dam that Dam Dam
(24 July 2004, Wisconsin) Barbara, 26, must have listened too many times to the old song "High Hopes" and its verse about a perky little fish: "And she swam, and she swam right over the dam." But Barbara needed more than willpower to fulfill her high hopes, when she decided to take the shortest route between the Upper Dells and the Lower Dells. She piloted a personal watercraft at high speed past numerous signs warning craft to slow down because of the imminent danger. She wove through the support posts of two separate bridges, one for trains, and one for cars. She ignored the screaming pleas of her 24-year-old passenger, who finally jumped off at the last minute. And she did it--she soared over that dam like a flying fish. Then she crash-landed on the concrete spillway, dying instantly from massive head injuries. Nearby residents told police that Barbara had been speeding like a maniac at high speeds in no-wake zones near the shore, despite the many posted warnings. Blood tests showed she had also been drinking like a fish. When asked to comment on her demise, the Police Chief said, "It kind of speaks for itself."

Whoa!! That is really, really Darwin award material. I go by this dam a few times a month, and it isn't a very little dam either, that sucker is huge!!! And there are plenty of warning, about the time you get to the CP railroad bridge, a few thousand feet before the dam.

Noah

[zardoz]

Some self-evident truths about pets...

Buy a dog a toy and it will play with it forever. Buy a cat a present and it will play with the wrapper for 10 minutes.

Although cats are rather delicate creatures, and they are subject to a good many ailments, I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.

Dogs and cats instinctively know the exact moment their owners will wake up. Then they wake them 10 minutes sooner.

Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff.

Dogs shed, cats shred.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult?

No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does.

Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I hope to be the kind of person my dog thinks I am.

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.

People that hate cats will come back as dogs in their next life.

We wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: Why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls?

Women and cats will do as they please... men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

When a man's best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.

In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.

[zardoz]

You're from Rural Canada if.....

You design your Halloween costumes to fit over a snowsuit.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

You have 10 favourite recipes for elk, moose or deer meat.

You live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is three feet above the ground.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes get filled with snow.

You think everyone from the city has an accent.

You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.

At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.

The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.

You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won't come up on your deck.

There is only one shopping plaza in town.

You find -40C a little chilly.

The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.

Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.

There are two seasons: Liquid and Solid

Nine months of winter and three months of rough sledding.

Six inches of snow is still considered a heavy frost.

You actually 'get' these jokes, and forward them to all your other Northern friends.

[zardoz]

Words that you or I would commonly use for one meaning, have a completely different meaning to parents in a family...

AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

BOTTLE FEEDING: an opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 AM too.

DEFENSE: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

DROOLING: how teething babies wa***heir chins.

DUMB WAITER: one who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you from falling into financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: a woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

LOOK OUT!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

OWWW: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: when your life was still somewhat your own.

PREPARED CHILDBIRTH: a contradiction in terms.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

SHOW OFF: a child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

STOREROOM: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything.

TEMPER TANTRUMS: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

THUNDERSTORM: a chance to see how many family members can fit into one bed.

TOP BUNK: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: able to whine in words.

WEAKER SEX: the kind you have after the kids have worn you out.

WHODUNIT: none of the kids that live in your house.

WHOOPS: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a sponge".

[zardoz]

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon,
and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

[zardoz]

A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of sucking his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery to reasoning to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit.

Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh ... I know what you've been doing."

[zardoz]

Back to "humor":

One afternoon, I was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when I walked into the house, he followed me, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with ten children - he's trying to catch up on his sleep."

[vsmith]

Huh? I dont get it? I thought this was a Humor thread [?]

Well nothing happens when highlighted? no discernable humor, just a mild political statement, must be something wrong with the way its posted....disabled a link somewhere.

Now to get us back onto HUMOR[:D]

A selection of the latest nominees for the ever popular Darwin Awards![:p] The Award given out to the those who manage to remove themselves from the gene pool and thus prevent passing on the stupidity got them nominated...

Why Idiots And Fireworks Are Always A Bad Idea
(28 March 2004, Jacksonville, Florida) Shannon, 35, had a fun idea for a prank: shoot a six-inch rocket at his girlfriend as he drove by in his Ford Mustang. But before he could launch it out the window, the fuse burned down to the ignition point, and the rocket began to ricochet around the inside of his car, finally exploding between his legs. The fla***emporarily blinded him, which protected him from seeing the extent of the damage. Neighbors saw the flash and heard the explosion. They rushed toward the car to find a person on fire! They extinguished the flames, to reveal a man singed from his groin to his toes, with an outline of his sandals burned onto his feet.
"I thought I was dead," Shannon told a reporter. "I couldn't see, I couldn't hear, I couldn't walk." He was taken to a medical center and treated for second-degree burns. When interviewed by a reporter, he reflected on his potentially fatal encounter with rockets, raised his hairless eyebrows, and said, "No more of those!"


Dam that Dam Dam
(24 July 2004, Wisconsin) Barbara, 26, must have listened too many times to the old song "High Hopes" and its verse about a perky little fish: "And she swam, and she swam right over the dam." But Barbara needed more than willpower to fulfill her high hopes, when she decided to take the shortest route between the Upper Dells and the Lower Dells. She piloted a personal watercraft at high speed past numerous signs warning craft to slow down because of the imminent danger. She wove through the support posts of two separate bridges, one for trains, and one for cars. She ignored the screaming pleas of her 24-year-old passenger, who finally jumped off at the last minute. And she did it--she soared over that dam like a flying fish. Then she crash-landed on the concrete spillway, dying instantly from massive head injuries. Nearby residents told police that Barbara had been speeding like a maniac at high speeds in no-wake zones near the shore, despite the many posted warnings. Blood tests showed she had also been drinking like a fish. When asked to comment on her demise, the Police Chief said, "It kind of speaks for itself."

HECK ON WHEELS
(17 April 2005, Indiana) Late one night, 26-year-old Joseph was blazing down the road in the Chain O'Lakes district of Syracuse on his Yamaha moped. When he saw flashing lights in his rear-view mirror, well... with the wind whistling through his ears, he must have concluded that he could outrun a mere police cruiser. This hard-boiled candidate for the Heck's Angels revved his engine and roared off. The speedometer needle flashed past 10 mph...20...30...and within less than a minute, it was hitting the red zone at a blinding 40 mph. But no matter how fast Joseph went, he was unable to shake the pursuing police officer from his tail. If only he had a spare JATO strapped to his machine! The two-stroke engine was buzzing like a hummingbird from the strain of the chase. Was he thinking, "You'll never get me alive, copper!" as he sped through the intersection with County Road 800E? The answer will never be known. Joseph lost control of his would-be road rocket, crashed into a tree, and died instantly of massive head injuries.

[:D]

[Anonymous]

Let's see how good you history skills are.
Scientist have discovered a disease. This disease has had terrible effects in history. A virus it first appeared in the old Roman Republic, but was soon stopped. The leaders of every country feared it, for thousands of years afterward. A pandemic of it spread quickly in the late 16th century. The hardest hit place were the English colonies of America, where the disease spread unchecked. To make sure of their immunity Russia began a huge effort to make sure it would never reach them in 1917. It was carried by our troops into France in World War II. Many of the founding father's never recovered from its effects. It even helped bring down the Soviet Union. Many fear that again American troops will spread it, unleashing it on Iraq, and now many cases have been reported. Do you know what this terrible disease could be?








































































































Can't guess, go on down.



















































































































































































































































The Freedom bug (freedomus democracyious) How can we stop it? Highlight the answer, but only if you really want to know. Be a communist , Hiliary for 2008!Please don't make this kill a 119 page thread.

[chad thomas]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dmoore74

If "big-boobed" women work at Hooters . . .

Where do "one-legged" women work?????

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IHOP!!

And they typicaly go by the name I-lean. [:D]

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by dmoore74

If "big-boobed" women work at Hooters . . .

Where do "one-legged" women work?????

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IHOP!!

[banghead][bow][banghead][bow][banghead][bow][banghead]

[dmoore74]

If "big-boobed" women work at Hooters . . .

Where do "one-legged" women work?????

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IHOP!!