Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[JoeKoh]

vsmith
thank you for the funnies.
stay safe
joe

[vsmith]

Two guys from New Jersey are out hunting in the woods when one of them has a seizure and collapsed to the ground, his buddy starts panicking and fumbles for his cell phone calling 911...

"911 what is your Emergency"

"Oh my gawd Oh my gawd , My buddies collapsed, he fell to da ground, he's dead, he's dead whadda I do whadda I do...he's dead, he's dead "

OK sir, relax, I can help, first listen to me...are you sure he's dead? you need to che..."

"Oh... Hold On!"

The EMT hears a gunshot

"OK, now what?"

[:0][(-D]

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Lotus098

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President yells. "That's TERRIBLE!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,
nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks,

"Exactly how many is a Brazillion?"




[(-D][:-,][swg][:-^][D)][X-)][alien][:P]

That actually happened to Al Gore, no joke, that is what he said, I am dead serious he was not making a joke he thougth it was a number, repeat he really was that dumb. This from the guy who invented the internet.[:D]

The first time I heard this joke the subject in question was V.P. Dan Quayle[:0][:p][:D]

[miniwyo]

Becasue I have said that at least twice this month!

[dmoore74]

Disease Warning


THE CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL has issued a no-nonsense warning
about a new, highly virulent strain of sexually transmitted disease.

This disease is contracted through dangerous and high risk behavior.

The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim (pronounced "gonna re-elect
him").

Many victims have contracted it after having been screwed for the
past 6 years, in spite of having taken measures to protect themselves
from this especially troublesome disease.

Cognitive sequelae of individuals infected with Gonorrhea Lectim
include, but are not limited to, anti-social personality disorder
traits; delusions of grandeur with a distinct messianic flavor;
chronic mangling of the English language; extreme cognitive
dissonance; inability to incorporate new information; pronounced xenophobia and
homophobia; inability to accept responsibility for actions;
exceptional cowardice masked by acts of misplaced bravado; uncontrolled facial
smirking; total ignorance of geography and history; tendencies
toward creating evangelical theocracies; and a strong propensity for
categorical, all-or-nothing behavior.

The disease is sweeping Washington. Naturalists and
epidemiologists are amazed and baffled that this malignant disease originated only a
few years ago in a Texas bush.

Please inform any of your friends and associates who have been
acting unusual lately.

[Anonymous]

I had a dream that i was a locomotive starter which starts up locomotives in the shop... an older person showed me how to start up the locomotive but he didn't tell me that some loco's might have a mine of its own.... i started up a pair of GP9's and the lead unit whet flying though the first pair of doors and went THUNK! looked and took off....

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President yells. "That's TERRIBLE!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,
nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks,

"Exactly how many is a Brazillion?"




[(-D][:-,][swg][:-^][D)][X-)][alien][:P]

That actually happened to Al Gore, no joke, that is what he said, I am dead serious he was not making a joke he thougth it was a number, repeat he really was that dumb. This from the guy who invented the internet.[:D]

[Sterling1]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

This is a long one, but worth it...

Anger Management


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone
call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.


A man answered, saying "Hello."


I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"


Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude.


I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the
last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided
to
call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I
yelled, "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up.


I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in
my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!"


It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a$$hole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is
John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're
familiar
with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I
quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!"


One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.


Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot.


The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I
wrote down his number.


A couple of days later, right after calling the first *** (I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a$$hole, too.


I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"


"Yes, It is."


"Can you tell me where I can see it?"


"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."


"What's your name?" I asked.


"My name is Don Hansen," he said.


"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"


"I'm home every evening after five."


"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"


"Yes?"


"Don, you're an a$$hole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$hole's to call.


Then I came up with an idea. I called a$$hole #1. "Hello."


"You're an a$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)


"Are you still there?" he asked.


"Yeah," I said.


"Stop calling me," he screamed.


"Make me," I said.


"Who are you?" he asked.


"My name is Don Hansen."


"Yeah? Where do you live?"


"a$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in front."


He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."


I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole." Then I called a$$hole #2.
"Hello?" he said.


"Hello, a$$hole," I said.


He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."


"You'll what?" I said.


"I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.


I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."


Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.


Then I called Channel 13 News about a gang war going down on West 34th
Street.


I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.


There I saw two a$$hole's beating the crap out of each other in front of
six
squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.


NOW I feel much better. You know, this anger management stuff really
works.


Smile and have a happy day!

You do not know exactly how wide I cracked open my throttle today . . . . !

[Sterling1]

QUOTE: Originally posted by miniwyo

QUOTE: Originally posted by equinox

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, $hit!"

Only in the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

Apparently you have never been to Southwest Wyoming!!

Why is it different out there . . . I know some place where the jokes are pretty nasty if one is a [soapbox][censored] N---

...

[miniwyo]

QUOTE: Originally posted by equinox

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, $hit!"

Only in the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

Apparently you have never been to Southwest Wyoming!!





vsmith - That is a great one!!

[morseman]

coming back from Philadelphia to Ontario the other day
entering the toll booth just before the Canadian border at
Fort Erie A large truck came barreling toward to booth
The two attendants jumped out of the booth just as
the truck hit it & smashed it to smithereens. Three
fellows from the Canadian Immigration, wearing white suits
with Canadian flags on the back, carrying pails of whits stuff
ran over. They pl;astered the shattered booth with their
guck and reassembled it in about fifteen minutes.

All the bystanders were amazed & asked how they could
reassemble the booth so fast

Well, it's quite easy when you use TOLLGATE BOOTH PASTE
they replied.

[vsmith]

This is a long one, but worth it...

Anger Management


When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it
out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on
someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone
call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it.


A man answered, saying "Hello."


I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"


Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude.


I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the
last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided
to
call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I
yelled, "You're an a$$hole!" and hung up.


I wrote his number down with the word 'a$$hole' next to it, and put it in
my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an a$$hole!"


It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'a$$hole'
calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is
John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're
familiar
with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone. I
quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an a$$hole!"


One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.


Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had
patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot.


The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I
wrote down his number.


A couple of days later, right after calling the first *** (I had his
number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW a$$hole, too.


I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"


"Yes, It is."


"Can you tell me where I can see it?"


"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's
parked right out in front."


"What's your name?" I asked.


"My name is Don Hansen," he said.


"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"


"I'm home every evening after five."


"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"


"Yes?"


"Don, you're an a$$hole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed
dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two a$$hole's to call.


Then I came up with an idea. I called a$$hole #1. "Hello."


"You're an a$$hole!" (But I didn't hang up.)


"Are you still there?" he asked.


"Yeah," I said.


"Stop calling me," he screamed.


"Make me," I said.


"Who are you?" he asked.


"My name is Don Hansen."


"Yeah? Where do you live?"


"a$$hole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black
Beamer parked in front."


He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."


I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, a$$hole." Then I called a$$hole #2.
"Hello?" he said.


"Hello, a$$hole," I said.


He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."


"You'll what?" I said.


"I'll kick your a$$," he exclaimed.


I answered, "Well, a$$hole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right
now."


Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay
lover.


Then I called Channel 13 News about a gang war going down on West 34th
Street.


I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street.


There I saw two a$$hole's beating the crap out of each other in front of
six
squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.


NOW I feel much better. You know, this anger management stuff really
works.


Smile and have a happy day!

[chad thomas]

QUOTE: Originally posted by equinox

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, $hit!"

Only in the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

[(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D] Also applies to Nevada and parts of northern California [(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D]

[Anonymous]

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the railroad tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he was hit and thrown to the side of the tracks, with some internal injuries, a few broken bones, and some bruises.

After months in the hospital recovering, he was at his friend's house attending a party. While in the kitchen, he suddenly heard the tea kettle whistling. He grabbed a baseball bat from the nearby closet and bashed the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal. His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushed into the kitchen, saw what had happened, and asked the desert man, "Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"

The desert man replied, "Man, you gotta kill these things when they're small."

[Anonymous]

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged that they had for the past five years covertly funded a project with US auto makers whereby the auto makers installed black boxes in four wheel drive pickup trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states that the last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh, $hit!"

Only in the states of West Virginia, Georgia, Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Texas, and Tennessee were different, where over 89.3 percent of the final words were: "Hold my beer and watch this."

[Anonymous]

An elderly woman lived on a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for years. The widowed woman lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.

One day, her son came into her room holding a letter. "I just got some news, Mom," he said. "The government has come to an agreement with the people in North Dakota. They've decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?"

"What do I think?" his mother said. "Sign it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don't think I can stand another Canadian winter!"

[Anonymous]

Three idiots decide to go hunting. The first one says he's going to get a buck. He goes out, and indeed comes back with a buck. The other two hunters ask how he did it. He says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get buck."

So the second hunter says that he's going to get a doe. And he does. They ask him how he did it, and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get doe."

So the third hunter says, "I'm just gonna shoot at anything I see."

So he goes out and comes back half a day later all beaten, bruised, bloody, and totally trashed. The other two hunters ask him what happened and he says, "I see tracks. I follow tracks. I get hit by train!"

[Anonymous]

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female... The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play, or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...... A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female...... The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

AND


He said . . . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don't you?


He said .. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said...That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!


He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don't know; it has never happened.

He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said . . . They already have boyfriends.

She said...What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
He said . . . A widow.

He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

[dmoore74]

UNSTOPPABLE VIRUS

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the
most
advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this
one.

It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. done that!
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
who me?
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no - not
again!
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate
that!
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

[Anonymous]

An Amish boy and his father from a very small town were in a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked what is this Father?"

The father never having seen an elevator responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching in amazement, a fat old lady in wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened and a gorgeous 24-year old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son...

"Go get your mother."

[samfp1943]

Some Common words with slightly different meanings:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men


Some food for thought

[Anonymous]

dmoore74:
You are hereby awarded the status of "Level 4 Jokester" after your excellent contributions to this thread.

[dmoore74]

Increase Your Vocabulary

The Mensa Invitational once again asked members to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter,and supply a new definition.


Here are this year's {2005} winners:


1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.


2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.


3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating.


4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.


5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.


6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.


7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.


8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.


9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.


10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)


11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it'slike, a serious bummer.


12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.


13. Glibido: All talk and no action.


14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.


15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.


16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.


17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


And the pick of the literature:


18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an ***.

[dmoore74]

URGENT WARNING


Police today warned all men who frequent yacht clubs and dock parties to
stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape
drug called "beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid
form and is available nearly everywhere. "Beer" is used by female predators
to persuade helpless male victims to go home with them. Women need only
persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers" and then ask him home for
no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless.

After several "beers," men will have sex with even unattractive women. Often
men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache,
and a vague feeling that something bad happened. Some really unfortunate men
are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a
relationship." In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males
into long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage."

Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once "beer" is
administered. Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or
some man you know, has fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the
predatory women who administer it. Rest assured: male support groups exist
in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter
in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For
the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf
Courses."

[james saunders]

hahahahaha good one!!!!!!!!

[vsmith]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President yells. "That's TERRIBLE!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion,
nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks,

"Exactly how many is a Brazillion?"




[(-D][:-,][swg][:-^][D)][X-)][alien][:P]

[vsmith]

QUOTE: Originally posted by markn

For all you college football lovers....

(1) What does the average Mississippi State player
get on his SATs?
-----Drool.

(2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas
cheerleaders in one room?
-----A full set of teeth.

(3) How do you get an LSU cheerleader into your dorm
room?
-----Grease her hips and push like crazy.

(4) How do you get a Georgia graduate off your
porch?
-----Pay him for the pizza.

(5) Why do the Auburn cheerleaders wear bibs?
-----To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

(6) Why is the Vandy football team like a possum?
-----Because they play dead at home, and get killed
on the road.

(7) What are the longest three years of a Florida
football player's life?
-----His freshman year.

(8) How many Ole Miss freshmen does it take to
change a light bulb?
-----None . . That's a sophomore course at Ole Miss.

(9) Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
-----Lexington, Kentucky. He knew that the police
would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.)

10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team
color?
-----You can wear it to the game on Saturday,
hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the
highways the rest of the week.

Add

Why do all the Football fields in Wisconsin have Astroturf?

So the Cheerleaders wont graze at halftime...

Old Iowa joke...[:D]

[Anonymous]

Domestic Tranquility

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife goes into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on. Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says, "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?" The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can get her here Monday and Wednesday; but Friday, I play golf."

[Anonymous]

A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success.

All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything. She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."

[JDV5th]

Ok, what do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef!!!!!!!!! (sorry)