Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

Women's Humor


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied.

"What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."

And they say blondes are dumb...
____________________

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
______________________

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
_______________________

He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said - Well, you succeeded.
______________________

He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
_______________________

He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror
_____________________

Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?

A: A rumor
_______________________

A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said that because they had been such a devoted couple she would grant each of them a very special wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.
Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger..
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
Gotta love that fairy!
__________________

A WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST:
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton
-------------------------------------------------------------------
A PRAYER....
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.

[zardoz]

The Senior Citizen's Alphabet

A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, But now it won't float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
But let's be a bit more realistic instead.


A's for arthritis;
B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
F is for fissures and fluid retention,
G is for gas which I'd rather not mention.
H is high blood pressure--I'd rather it be low;
I is for incisions with scars you can show.
J is for joints, out of socket, won't mend,
K is for knees that crack when they bend.
L for libido, what happened to sex?
M is for memory, I forget ! what comes next.
N is neuralgia, in nerves way down low;
O is for osteo, the bones that don't grow!
P for prescription's, I have quite a few!
Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?
R for reflux, one meal turns to two.
S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,
T for Tinnitus; there's bells in my ears!
U is for urinary; big troubles with flow;
V is for vertigo, that's "dizzy," you know.
W is for worry, NOW what's going 'round?
X is for X ray, and what might be found.
Y is for another year I'm left here behind,
Z is for zest that I still have--but just in my mind.

[miniwyo]

Zardoz- Those were great, i fell out of the chair laughing so hard! Especially the last one, Being a deer hunter i understand all too much.

[zardoz]

Why Railfanning is better than Deer Hunting


Train lovers don't get mad at you for shooting "Thomas The Tank Engine."

You can't use a scanner to tell when deer are getting close.

No arguments when two people shoot the same train at the same time.

No boring "Deer Hunting" stories.

Nobody cares if you use a railroad crossing sign to "sight in" your camera.

Three words: "Hunting License Fee."

SD90MAC's don't need to be field dressed.

Working models of deer? Yeah, right.

There's no limit on how many trains you're allowed to shoot or bring home.

Unless they're really dumb, your buddies won't mistake you for a diesel locomotive.

A warm train room beats a tree stand any day.

Trains can be shot all year long.

No taxidermist fee needs to be paid when "mounting" your best trophy shot.

Wife wouldn't object too much to having your "trophy shot" hang over dining room table or displayed in the front room.

Kids don't run away sobbing "BAMBI" when you bring a "trophy" home.

Filet of GP7 just doesn't sound too appetizing.

[zardoz]

Once upon a time a Japanese Railway and an American Railway company decided to have a boat race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced hard and long to raise their peak performance. On the big day of the race the Japanese won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became very discouraged and morale sagged. The American team's management decided that a reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A new American "Management Team" made up of management from Omaha, St. Louis, Houston, and Los Angeles was formed. They would investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese Team had (8) people rowing and (1) person steering. While the American team had (1) person rowing and (8) people steering. So the American Railway's management hired another American efficiency consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money and they advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to (4) Steering Supervisors, (3) Steering Superintendents and (1) Assistant Superintendent Steering Manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the (1) person rowing the boat greater incentives to work harder. It was called "The Rowing Team Quality First Program." with meetings and dinners and many free pens for the rower. We must give the rower enpowerment and enrichments they said, through our "Quality First Program".
The next year the Japanese team won by at least two miles. Humiliated, the American Railway company's management laid off the rower for poor performance, and halted capitol investments for new equipment. They then gave a special "High Performance" award to the (7) steering managers and distributed the moneys they saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

[zardoz]

And again:

A engineer is driving north on a fairly winding rural road and spots his conductor heading his way. The conductor is driving the same road but in the opposite direction. As they pass each other, the conductor leans out the window and hollers "PIG." The engineer just smirks, sticks up his central finger. and yells back "B------." They each continue on their way. As the engineer rounds the next curve, he runs into a huge pig that is just lying in the middle of the road. The engineer is killed instantly in the accident.
The moral of this story? If engineers would only listen…

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Puckdropper

Cruise control... I think I'll go make a sandwich...

Btw, I'd love to see a few railroad jokes on here of anyone's got them.

Fine. Here ya go:

A time freight rear-ended a local peddler freight one night, and the ensuing investigation centered on whether or not the crew of the first train had flagged the second train sufficiently.
“Now, then,” said the superintendent to the peddler’s rear brakeman, “were you flagging your train that night?”
“Yes, sir,” he said.
“And were you at least a half-mile from your train?” asked the super.
“Yes, sir,” said the brakie.
“And did you attempt to flag the express down?” asked the super.
“Yes, sir, and they went right on past me,” the brakie said.
“And did you use a red lantern?” the super asked.
“Yes, sir,” the man said. “Of course.”
Well, the railroad couldn’t decide who was at fault, so the investigation was closed.
“You did just what I asked you to,” said the conductor of the local freight to the rear brakeman after the hearing. “You told the truth. But were you nervous at all?”
“You bet!” replied the brakeman. “I was hopin’ that guy wouldn’t ask me if the lantern was lit!”

[Puckdropper]

Cruise control... I think I'll go make a sandwich...

Btw, I'd love to see a few railroad jokes on here of anyone's got them.

[Sterling1]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Puckdropper

Make sure all the nuts behind your steering wheel are nice and tight. We don't need any more of them falling while the vehicle is moving.

At least you don't wan that to happen on the FLA turnpike on cruise control and 70mph!

. . .

Matt

[Tharmeni]

I'll look past all the name calling that went on on this thread a few days ago and tell you I live very near the Seminole Gulf Railroad but it doesn't show up in these parts very often. On Monday a local (hmmmm...they're all locals) came through and one of the crew had a tree trimmer with him clearing the way. I wondered why he bothered since the loco seemed to be able to do the job just fine. I think of the ACL's fine varnish service from Fort Myers to NYC and cringe when I see what the right-of-way looks like today.. Line is cut south of here....they still spot a box car or two around Sarasota every week or so.

[chad thomas]

Three guys are shipwrecked on a island in the pacific. After several days they are hungry and desperate. Then they find a magic lamp. A genie comes out of the lamp and anounces he can grant three wishes. So all three men get one wish a peice. When the first guy is asked what he would wish for he responds"I'm hungry and tired and I miss my family. I just wish I was back at home". Voila..in a puff of smoke he dissapears. When the second guy is asked what he wishes for he replies "Man that sounds good. I also just wish I was back home with my family". Viola... with a puff of smoke he dissapears. Then the genie asked the last guy what he would like to wish for he said"Man it's going to be really lonely around here without those guys, I wi***hey were back"

[chad thomas]

QUOTE: Originally posted by RIRR80

Chad, just ignore him and he'll go away. Willy

Yup, That's the ticket. [8D]

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by JoeKoh

my wife wanted me to stop at a yard sale. I told her I have enough grass to mow thank you.(i know i know bad joke)
stay safe
Joe

Same with my wife. She wanted to stop at a garage sale; I told her we already had one.
[(-D]
So which joke is worse? Joe's or mine? [:D]

[Puckdropper]

Make sure all the nuts behind your steering wheel are nice and tight. We don't need any more of them falling while the vehicle is moving.

[miniwyo]

Also, when oyu do you muffler bearings and signal fluid, make sure you check your elbow grease and headlight fluid!


So, 2 Drums and a Cymbal fall off a cliff.

Ba Dum Shh.

:D

[Anonymous]

Excellent thread folks... keep em comming.

[Anonymous]

Chad, just ignore him and he'll go away. He feeds on stirring s*** up. Willy

[Sterling1]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Murphy Siding

Dear Mr.Tharmeni : I frequent many forums, of many different interests. Someone like yourself usually shows up. What I can't seem to figure out is why? It would seem counter produtive. If you're on a forum, you must have something to say. If all you do is pick fights, it leads me to believe that a) you can't think of anything to talk about, or b) your best friend's name is Beavis. Being an optimist, I'm going to assume a). So.......your profile shows you're from Sarasota Springs, Florida. Where's that?, and what's the closest railroad to you?

Sarasota Springs is south of St. Petersburg / Tampa
It's actually southeast of Sarasota

Nearest RR is CSX or Seminole Gulf

Answering for the one who puts in fights in a humor column, a place to cool and chill out when the trains get a little . . .

Matt

[Murphy Siding]

Dear Mr.Tharmeni : I frequent many forums, of many different interests. Someone like yourself usually shows up. What I can't seem to figure out is why? It would seem counter produtive. If you're on a forum, you must have something to say. If all you do is pick fights, it leads me to believe that a) you can't think of anything to talk about, or b) your best friend's name is Beavis. Being an optimist, I'm going to assume a). So.......your profile shows you're from Sarasota Springs, Florida. Where's that?, and what's the closest railroad to you?

[Sterling1]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Sterling1

i sincerely happy to see abreak in the fighting . . . please . . . enough ere the entire thread is shut down . . .

This was meant to be an in-house joke . . .

B/c I use proper American English rules . . .

But type with a lousy pace . . .

Makes no snese up above . . .

I don't why I can't spell sense . . .

Might as well stop and wait for tomorrow . . .

[JoeKoh]

my wife wanted me to stop at a yard sale. I told her I have enough grass to mow thank you.(i know i know bad joke)
stay safe
Joe

[Sterling1]

i sincerely happy to see abreak in the fighting . . . please . . . enough ere the entire thread is shut down . . .

[dharmon]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Tharmeni

I believe I was called several names leading up to this posting and I've had it with the loser from San Diego.

Which one?

[chad thomas]

Before you go changing your muffler bearings you should make sure your not low on turn signal fluid.[;)][8D]

[Tharmeni]

I believe I was called several names leading up to this posting and I've had it with the loser from San Diego.

[Sterling1]

An in-house joke:
"Where's Ruth?"
"I don't know . . ."
"I guess we're ruthless!!!"

Matt

[Sterling1]

Can I change your muffler bearings?
(One from that originated from me Dad)

[Sterling1]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Local Business Looking For Office Help. The Sign In The Window Says:


HELP WANTED Must be a good typist and be good with a computer. Successful applicant must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.

A short time later a lovely golden retriever dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it, whined and pawed the air.

The receptionist called the office manager. He was surprised, to say the least to see a canine applicant. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager expectantly.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you must be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to quickly type a perfect business letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager, gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but told the dog, "That was fantastic, but I'm sorry. The sign clearly says that whoever I hire has to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again, went to the computer and proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs, produced a sample spreadsheet and database, then presented them to the manager.

The manager was dumbfounded! He said to the dog, "Hey, I realize that you are a very intelligent applicant and have fantastic talent, but you're a dog -- no way could I hire you."

The dog jumped down and went to the sign in the window and pointed his paw at the words, "Equal Opportunity Employer."

The exasperated manager said, "Yes, I know what the ***ed sign says. But the sign also says you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked him straight in the eye and said, "Meow."

What a way to pump air into or out of one's lungs . . .

Extremely amusing on a slow Thursday . . .

Matt

[cherokee woman]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Tharmeni

Cable business a little slow, Chad?....or are you finally just unemployed?
You are one sorry sum***.

There is absolutely no need to be calling anyone names on here. If you're
going to do that, take your name-calling somewhere else. The forum is
NOT the place for that!!

[Tharmeni]

Cable business a little slow, Chad?....or are you finally just unemployed?
You are one sorry sum***.