Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[chad thomas]

Tharmeni, You ever read the one about preaching to someone with a sliver in there eye while you got a log in your'se?

Don't flatter yourself. A troll like you could not possably have enough effect on me to make me angry. At best you are like an annoying little bug circling behind my head on a hot summers day.

Yes, I do have issues, one of them is aknowledging trolls like you. I really must quit doing this.

I will have fun in this forum. That's what it is for. Don't let the door hit you on the a$$ on your way out.

[Tharmeni]

Oops, sorry. Just back from our meeting and we DID pray for you. I hope your anger fades with time. You obviously have serious issues.
So long, Chad. Have fun living your life on your joke board.

[chad thomas]

Don't include me in your prayers. In fact don't includeme in your anything. You are the angry little troll trying to cause problems. You need to get a life and quit being a nuisance in others.

[locomutt]

[#ditto] to chad's comment!!

Tharmeni,if you don't like it;DON'T read it !!

[Tharmeni]

Dear Chad:

I'll ask my prayer group to pray for you. Sorry about your anger.

[chad thomas]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

QUOTE: Originally posted by Tharmeni

What does any of this drivel have to do with railroading?

It has absolutely nothing to do with railroading.

I was not going to respond to your inane comment, because by doing so I thereby acknowledge your existence. However, since you choose to be insulting, I would like to point out that the title of the thread that YOU CHOSE TO OPEN indicates that it is a humor thread.

If you are such a miserable person that you do not or cannot appreciate the lighter side of life, then crawl back into your swamp and leave us alone.

Well said, I'll second that.

Get lost troll.

[Tharmeni]

Wow, Zardoz...what are you so angry about?

My point is tht this is a RR board...there are hundreds of humor boards out there and none of this humor has anything to do with railroading....and there are a lot of good railroad jokes out there, so why aren't they here? Hmmm...although I was a railroader for years and most of the jokes couldn't go on a public board like this.

Hope my remarks didn't cause you to overreact and go out and shoot someone or something. Lighten up. Go do some work for a charity or something. Use your energy wisely.

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Tharmeni

What does any of this drivel have to do with railroading?

It has absolutely nothing to do with railroading.

I was not going to respond to your inane comment, because by doing so I thereby acknowledge your existence. However, since you choose to be insulting, I would like to point out that the title of the thread that YOU CHOSE TO OPEN indicates that it is a humor thread.

If you are such a miserable person that you do not or cannot appreciate the lighter side of life, then crawl back into your swamp and leave us alone.

[Kathi Kube]

They're funny, and railroaders and railfans have a sense of humor. This thread was set up long ago, and set aside and specified as a non-rail-related place to post jokes and funny stories, so as not to "interfere" with other rail-related threads. If it's not your bag, then just ignore it. No biggie.

Kathi

[Tharmeni]

What does any of this drivel have to do with railroading?

[zardoz]

Pedro

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its' history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro. "George Bu***o the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the Teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, someone said, "You little $hit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said,

"Oh $HIT, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003"

[zardoz]

Cherokee Woman--those are great.

It's nice that at least a few others contribute to this silly thread. Hopefully these sometimes makes someone laugh; the world needs more laughter.

[cherokee woman]

Resume

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. I
couldn't concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it,
so they gave me the axe.

After that, I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it - mainly be-
cause it was a sew-sew job.

Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.

Then, I tried to be a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life,
but I just didn't have the tyme.

I attemped to be a deli worker, but any way you sliced it, I couldn't
cut the mustard.

My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't
noteworthy.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any
patience.

Next, was a job in a shoe factory. I tried, but I just didn't fit in.

I became a professional fisherman, but I discovered that I
couldn't live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance
company, but the work was just too draining.

I then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't
fit for the job.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job
as a historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job ws working in Starbucks, but I had to quit because
it was always the same old grind.

SO, I RETIRED AND I FOUND I AM PERFECT FOR THE JOB.

Author unknown

[zardoz]

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a *** is seven. Three plus six, that son of a *** is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.

"Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you
teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a *** is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them
was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling,the sky
is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class,"And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Cow! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

[cherokee woman]

Zardoz, that is a GOOD ONE!!

[zardoz]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.

It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the *&%$#! ice cream truck hadn't come along !!!!

[AntonioFP45]

QUOTE: Originally posted by equinox

I offer these links to some humorous videos:

for basketball fans: http://abfhm.free.fr/basket.htm

for the more "mature" members: http://snipurl.com/makemyday

ever feel like this?: http://snipurl.com/offtowork

Granny is just too funny![:D][(-D]

[locomutt]

With more churches than casinos in Las Vegas, many worshippers
put betting chips in the collection plate instead of cash. Because
there are so many different casinos, the Catholic churches send
the chips into the diocese for sorting.

Once these tokens are sorted, a junior priest hits the casinos, changing
the chips into cash.

What do they call this priest? The chip monk.


A man is recovering from minor surgery when his nurse comes in to
check on him.
"How are you feeling?" she asks.
"I'm okay," he say, "but I didn't like the four-letter word the doctor used
during surgery."
"What did he say?" the nurse asks.
"Oops."

Courtesy of The Reader's Digest

[CShaveRR]

WHERE'S THE MANAGER?

A very attractive lady goes up to the bar in a quiet pub. She gestures
alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives,
she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.

When he does, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the
manager?' she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her
hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running
her forefingers across the bartender's lips and shyly popping a couple of
fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper
towels in the ladies room"

"?"

***

[CShaveRR]

Original COFFEE SHOP BLONDE

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a "Peel and Win"
sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming,

"I've won a motor home!

I've won a motor home!"

The waitress says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize is a free
lunch."

But the blonde keeps screaming,

"I've won a motor home!

I've won a motor home!"

Finally the manager comes over and says, "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but
you're mistaken.

"You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have
that as a prize!" The blonde says, "No it's not a mistake.

I've won a motor home!"

She hands the ticket to the manager and he reads...




W I N A B A G E L.

[zardoz]

The Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

[dmoore74]

Understanding women?



In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men:
Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.

You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's
the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the rain (+8) But return
with
Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-10)



SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
buddy (-2)
Named Tina (-4)
Tina is a dancer (-6)
Tina has silicon implants (-80)



HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (0)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted
the colours of your favourite team (-10)



A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'DeathCop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)



YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)



ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)



COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem , you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-10000)



Now what chance do you have???

Pass it on to the fellas for info & to the gals for a good laugh!

[zardoz]

George Bush received a call from Russian President Putin. He says to Bush "Our largest condom factory has exploded. My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied President Bush.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you send 10,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?" said Bush.

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long, and 2" in diameter?"

"No problem," replied the President.

Mr. Putin hung up and started laughing with his aides about how those stupid Americans will fall for anything.

George Bush hung up and called the CEO of a Texas condom company. "I need a favor. Can you send 10,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia?"

"Consider it done," replied the CEO of the condom company.

"Good! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 2" in diameter."

"That will be done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said the President, "Print 'MADE IN TEXAS, SIZE: SMALL,' on each one!!!"

[JoeKoh]

I like the commercial hes in.they give you cash which is just as good as money.
thanks vic
stay safe
Joe

[vsmith]

Words of Wisdom of the Great Zen-Yogi (Berra)

"This is like deja vu all over again."

"You can observe a lot just by watching."

"He must have made that before he died."
-referring to a Steve McQueen movie.

"I want to thank you for making this day necessary."
-at Yogi Berra Appreciation Day in St. Louis in 1947.

"I'd find the fellow who lost it, and, if he was poor, I'd return it."
- when asked what he would do if he found a million dollars.

"Think! How the hell are you gonna think and hit at the same time?"

"You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there."

"I knew I was going to take the wrong train, so I left early."

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else."

"If you can't imitate him, don't copy him."

"You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six."

"Baseball is 90% mental -- the other half is physical."

"It was impossible to get a conversation going; everybody was talking too much."

"Slump? I ain't in no slump. I just ain't hitting."

"A nickel isn't worth a dime today."

"Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded."

"It gets late early out there."
- referring to the bad sun conditions in left field at the stadium.

"Surprise me."
- on where his wife should have him buried.

"Do you mean now?"
- when asked for the time.

"The wind always seems to blow against catchers when they are running."

"I take a two hour nap, from one o'clock to four."

"You give 100 percent in the first half of the game, and if that isn't enough in the second half you give what's left."

"90% of the putts that are short don't go in."

"I made a wrong mistake."

"Texas has a lot of electrical votes."
- during an election campaign, after George Bush stated that Texas was important to the election.

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself."
- after being told he looked cool.

"I always thought that record would stand until it was broken."

"Yeah, but we're making great time!" -- In reply to "Hey Yogi, I think we're lost."

"If the fans don't come out to the ballpark, you can't stop them."

"Why buy good luggage? You only use it when you travel."

"It's never happened in the World Series competition, and it still hasn't."

"How long have you known me, Jack? And you still don't know how to spell my name."
- upon receiving a check from Jack Buck made out to "bearer."

"The other teams could make trouble for us if they win."

"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat, and if it keeps up, I change bats. After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?"

"It ain't the heat; it's the humility."

"The towels were so thick there I could hardly close my suitcase."

"You should always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours."

"I didn't really say everything I said."

and perhaps his most famous...

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."

[zardoz]

Vic, I think I'm having a Steve Wright flashback. Thank you!

[vsmith]

1- I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2- Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3- Half the people you know are below average.

4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

9- All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.

12- OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13- How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16- When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

19- I intend to live forever; so far, so good.

20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23- My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder."

24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25- If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33- Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

and the favorite...

34- If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

[espeefoamer]

Little Billy's grandfather called him over for a discussion.Grandfather said,Billy,did you tip over the outhouse this morning?Billy replies,...ummm...uhhh...His grandfather said When George Washington was your age,he chopped down his father's cherry tree.When his father asked him about it,he said,I cannot tell a lie.I chopped down the cherry tree.George's father didnt punish him because he told the truth,his grandfather said. Billy replied,ok,I pushed over the outhouse. His grandfather promptly turned Billy over his knee and gave him a whooping.With tears in his eyes,Billy said,You told me George Washington's father didn't punish him because he told the truth.Grandfather said,George's father wasn't IN the cherry tree when he chopped it down!

[cherokee woman]

The latest ploy to defeat the Iraqis is to send in a team of Alabama
Special Forces.

Billy Bob, Billy Joe, Billy Ray, Bubba, Boo Boo, Scooter, Slick , Bucky
and Cooter are being sent in with their 1968 Ford four wheel drive
pickup trucks. They will be given only the following information about
the enemy:

1. There is no limit,

2. The season opened last weekend.

3. They taste like chicken.

4. They don't like women, beer, pickup trucks, country music,
barbeque, or Jesus.

5. They were responsible for Dale Earnhardt's death.

It should be over in about a week.

[CShaveRR]

Two blonde guys were working for the city works department. One
would dig a hole,and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one guy
digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what
they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the
effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it--why do
you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up
again?"
>
> The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably
> looks odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy
> who plants the trees called in sick."