Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice.

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a high school about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talked about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.


Rule 1: Life is not fair -- get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make a lot right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your
parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life; people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to work at jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

[Anonymous]

Where do you all find these stories? They're quite hysterical

[locomutt]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mikeygaw

i really feel sorry for mudchicken... but hey, i like chicken

SURELY; She wouldn't resort to that...........................................
Gosh,better watch the menu at the diner for awhile.[:D]

[Mikeygaw]

i really feel sorry for mudchicken... but hey, i like chicken

[Anonymous]

Somebody better call Donald Rumsfeld!!!

[locomutt]

OKAY, WHO gave Mookie the weapon ?!!!!!!![:D][}:)]

Now I guess I'll REALLY have to look both ways
before I step out of the house!!!!![xx(]

[Mikeygaw]

Warning to all dog owners

The Highway Patrol in conjunction with the FBI has issued a warning advising all dog owners to keep their dogs indoors until further notice. Dogs are being picked off one at a time on an almost continual basis throughout the state. They are falling in great numbers. Police in the city advise all dog owners not to walk their dogs!

[Noah Hofrichter]

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peak.

At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner, the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead.

While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[vsmith]

Understanding Engineers - Take One
> >>>>
> >>>> Two engineering students crossing the campus when one said,
> >>>> "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
> >>>> replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own
> >>>> business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She
> >>>> threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and
> >>>> said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded
> >>>> approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have
> >>>> fit."
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Understanding Engineers - Take Two
> >>>>
> >>>> To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the
> >>>> glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as
> >>>> big as it needs to be.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Understanding Engineers - Take Three
> >>>>
> >>>> A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning
> >>>> for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
> >>>> "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15
> >>>> minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never
> >>>> seen such ineptitude!" The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the
> >>>> greens keeper. Let's have a word with him." "Hi George! Say,
> >>>> what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow,
> >>>> aren't they?" The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a
> >>>> group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our
> >>>> clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play
> >>>> for free anytime." The group was silent for a moment. The
> >>>> pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special
> >>>> prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm
> >>>> going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's
> >>>> anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't
> >>>> these guys play at night?"
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Understanding Engineers - Take Four
> >>>>
> >>>> What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil
> >>>> Engineers? Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil
> >>>> Engineers build targets.
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Understanding Engineers - Take Five
> >>>>
> >>>> The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
> >>>> The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it
> >>>> work?" The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much
> >>>> will it cost?" The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you
> >>>> want fries with that?"
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Understanding Engineers - Take Six
> >>>>
> >>>> Three engineering students were gathered together discussing
> >>>> the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a
> >>>> mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints." Another
> >>>> said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
> >>>> has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one
> >>>> said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
> >>>> toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
> >>>>
> >>>> "Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it."
> >>>> Engineers believe that "if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
> >>>> enough features yet"
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
> >>>>
> >>>> An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing
> >>>> whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a
> >>>> mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife,
> >>>> building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The
> >>>> artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because the
> >>>> passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like
> >>>> both." "Both?" "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they
> >>>> will each assume you are spending time with the other woman,
> >>>> and you can go to the lab and get some work done."
> >>>>
> >>>>
> >>>> Understanding Engineers - Take Nine
> >>>>
> >>>> An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out
> >>>> to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
> >>>> princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his
> >>>> pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and
> >>>> turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you
> >>>> for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket,
> >>>> smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then
> >>>> cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess,
> >>>> I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the
> >>>> engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into
> >>>> his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've
> >>>> told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you
> >>>> for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
> >>>> The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time
> >>>> for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

[Anonymous]

Doctors VS Gunowners


Doctors

(A) The number of Physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.


(B) Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human Services.

Now Guns:

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, that is
80 million.

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .000188.

Statistics courtesy of F.B.I.

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."


FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR!
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat immediately. We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!!!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers
for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

[cherokee woman]

Three for Mookie: remember the little "joke" I sent you that said that
chocolate was made from the cocoa bean, which IS a vegetable?

[Mookie]

See! That's 2 for Mookie!

[dmoore74]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Mookie has heard of putting zucchini and potatoes in chocolate cake for moisture. So don't try to get that one past me! Chocolate cake is indeed part vegetable!

Or just add a little vegetable oil.

[zardoz]

No wonder the English language is so very difficult to learn.
I sometimes wonder how we manage to communicate at all!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We must poli***he Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

The farm was used to produce produce.

The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

This was a good time to present the present.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of injections my jaw got number.

Upon seeing the tear in my clothes I shed a tear.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

She could not live with a live mouse in the house.

It was just a minute *** and over in a minute.

His mistake was putting his left foot forward while putting.

We would probably read more Shakespeare if we understood what we read.

There was a bow tied in the ropes on the bow of the ship.

You should spring that on us next spring!

[zardoz]

What is even more depressing is how many of those I can relate to.....

[zardoz]

Signs You Are No Longer a Kid

You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age ..... and isn't breaking any laws.

Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you ?"

You answer a question with, "because I said so!"

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You take a metal detector to the beach.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word "equity" means.

You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

Your ears are hairier than your head.

You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You can go bowling without drinking.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

[Mookie]

Mookie has heard of putting zucchini and potatoes in chocolate cake for moisture. So don't try to get that one past me! Chocolate cake is indeed part vegetable!

[Anonymous]

"No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain, you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office." George Bernard Shaw (Hey it worked for George [8D] [;)] )

"Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie." Jim Davis (Sorry Mookie, chocolate cake doesn't qualify as a vegy)

[jabrown1971]

Here's some humor to share. I was just given a weekly planner as a gift from my employer, a trucking company. In the back is a section of 1-800 numbers. Ironically the only one in the travel section is Amtraks. Thought I'd share.

[Anonymous]

From This Day In History website:

Dec 30

1954 The first color television sets go on sale for almost $1,200.

I was not around yet but still remember as a kid that our tv was still black and white. [:(] By the time men landed on the moon we finally had a color tv. Yes, dad was a little cheap. [:(]

[Anonymous]

Holy Cow!!! Good Job!!!

[espeefoamer]

Should have sent that one to America's Funniest Home Videos[(-D]!

[cherokee woman]

Carl, I agree: JERKS AND IDIOTS!!

[CShaveRR]

Jerks!

[locomutt]

Which Auto/Body shop Sponsered that one?[:D]

[zardoz]

How NOT to pull a car out of the snow.

http://media.ebaumsworld.com/snowtow.wmv

[zardoz]

A guy from Tyson Foods arranges to visit the Pope. After receiving the papal blessing he whispers, "Your Eminence, we have a deal for you. If you change The Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....' then we will donate $500 million dollars to the Church".

The Pope responds saying, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we are prepared to donate $1 billion to the Church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily
chicken...."

Again the Pope replies "That is impossible. The Prayer is the Word of the Lord and it must not be changed."

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "This is our last offer. We will donate $5 billion to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread....' to 'give us this day our daily chicken....'" and he leaves.

The next day the Pope meets with the College of Cardinals to say that he has good news and some bad news.

"The good news is that the Church has come into $5 billion."

"The bad news is that we're losing The Wonderbread Account!"

[zardoz]

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed. "Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

[zardoz]

There was a boy who worked in the produce section of the market. A man came in and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy told him they only sold whole heads of lettuce, but the man replied he did not need a whole head, but only a half head.

The boy said he would go ask his manager about the matter.

The boy walked into the back room and said, "There's some *** out there who wants to buy only a half a head of lettuce."

As he was finishing saying this he turned around to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman wants to buy the other half."

The manager okayed the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager called on the boy and said, "You almost got yourself in a lot of trouble earlier, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of it. You think on your feet and we like that around here. Where are you from son?"

The boy replied, "Minnesota sir."

"Oh really? Why did you leave Minnesota" asked the manager.

The boy replied, "They're all just whores and hockey players up there."

Really replied the manager, "My wife is from Minnesota!!"

Without missing a beat, the boy replied, "No kidding! What team did she play for?"

[cherokee woman]

Zardoz, I have only one word to add:

AMEN