Trains.com

Would you believe..... (a little humor) Locked

173375 views
3436 replies
1 rating 2 rating 3 rating 4 rating 5 rating
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Monday, December 27, 2004 10:06 AM
The following is NOT funny, but I wanted to share it with you. And if the term "Prayer" and "Heavenly Father" bothers you, please replace it with "meditation" or whatever works for you.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Best Prayer I Have Heard In A Long Time

Heavenly Father, Help us remember that the jerk who cut us off in traffic last night is a single mother who worked nine hours that day and is rushing home to cook dinner, help with homework, do the laundry, and spend a few precious moments with her children.

Help us to remember that the pierced, tattooed, disinterested young man who can't make change correctly is a worried 19-year-old college student, balancing his apprehension over final exams with his fear of not getting his student loans for next semester.

Help us to remember that the old couple walking annoyingly slow through the store aisles and blocking our shopping progress are savoring this moment, knowing that, based on the biopsy report she got back last week, this will be the last year that they go shopping together.

Heavenly Father, remind us each day that, of all the gifts you give us, the greatest gift is love. It is not enough to share that love with those we hold dear. Open our hearts not to just those who are close to us, but to all humanity.

Let us be slow to judge and quick to forgive, show patience, empathy and love.
  • Member since
    December 2001
  • From: Smoggy L.A.
  • 10,743 posts
Posted by vsmith on Thursday, December 23, 2004 10:25 AM
For those who have a few hours to waste this Holiday season.....try

www.stupidvideos.com

Hours of humor, a few wild commercials, and some really stupid people caught on tape![:D]

   Have fun with your trains

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Thursday, December 23, 2004 10:07 AM
If you like card tricks, check this very brief video. The language is French (I think), but the actions of the magician speak for themselves!

http://www.gougoule.com/vrl/magic-trick.php
  • Member since
    April 2003
  • 305,205 posts
Posted by Anonymous on Wednesday, December 22, 2004 10:07 PM
Is the Skyhigh Airlines a joke? Quite good for fooling people.[:D][:D][:D]
  • Member since
    November 2003
  • From: West Coast
  • 4,122 posts
Posted by espeefoamer on Wednesday, December 22, 2004 6:31 PM
I didn't know Skyhigh Airlines had thier own website! From reading it,they must be owned by Amtrak![;)]!
Ride Amtrak. Cats Rule, Dogs Drool.
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, December 22, 2004 11:46 AM
http://www.skyhighairlines.com/main.asp
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Monday, December 20, 2004 12:16 PM
One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Monday, December 20, 2004 12:05 PM
Hello, is this the FBI?"

"Yes. What do you want?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left.

The phone rings at Billy Bob's house.

"Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Merry Christmas, Buddy"
  • Member since
    May 2002
  • From: Reedsville, WI
  • 557 posts
Posted by wcfan4ever on Friday, December 17, 2004 12:29 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES


The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting

The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows.




Now that is funny!!![:D][:D]

Dave Howarth Jr. Livin' On Former CNW Spur From Manitowoc To Appleton In Reedsville, WI

- Formerly From The Home of Wisconsin Central's 5,000,000th Carload

- Manitowoc Cranes, Manitowoc Ice Machines, Burger Boat

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Thursday, December 16, 2004 1:55 PM
NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES


The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of mass destruction.

The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes little purple hearts to appear on screen.

The Ronald Reagan Virus - Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to just keep counting and re-counting

The Bob Dole (aka Viagra) Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did

The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes.

The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB.

The Ellen Degeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted.

The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files.

The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy then discards it through Windows.

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, December 15, 2004 8:03 AM
Mookie, this is especially for you, however all cat "owners" will likely find this site amusing.

http://www.badpets.net/BadPets/CatRules.html
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, December 15, 2004 7:56 AM
A link to a rather amusing site (turn speakers on).

http://www.rio.com.br/animation/iconstory.htm
  • Member since
    April 2003
  • 305,205 posts
Posted by Anonymous on Tuesday, December 14, 2004 12:35 PM


Christmas Carols For The Psychiatrically Challenged


SCHIZOPHRENIA -
Do You Hear What I Hear?

MULTIPLE PERSONALITY -
We Three Queens Disoriented Are.

DEMENTIA -
I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas.

NARCISSISTIC -
Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me)

MANIA -
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and
Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense!

PARANOIA #8211;
Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER -
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll
tell you why.

DEPRESSION -
Silent anhedonia, Holy anhedonia. All is calm, All is pretty lonely.

OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE -
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle
Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle
Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell...

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY -
Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire.

PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE -
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took
it all away).



  • Member since
    April 2003
  • 305,205 posts
Posted by Anonymous on Friday, December 3, 2004 5:30 PM
A man had just bought a brand new Mercedes and on his way home he wanted to see what it could.

So there he is cruising at 60 then 70 and just wanted to pu***he limits on his new car.

He hits about 85 m.p.h. when he sees the lights from the police car so he naturally pulls over.

The Officer approaches and says, "I clocked you going 85 back there and I havve had a long day so if you could give me one good reason to not give you a ticket, I will let you go."

The man thinks for a minute and responds, "Well officer, last week my wife left me for a police officer and I just thought you were trying to give her back."

Then the officer said, "Sir, have a nice night."
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Friday, December 3, 2004 1:08 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Zardoz - I am printing out the cat/dog one and giving it to the real Mookie!


I was thinking of you when I posted; I'm glad you caught it!
  • Member since
    September 2003
  • From: Louisville,Ky.
  • 5,077 posts
Posted by locomutt on Friday, December 3, 2004 1:06 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by Mookie

Zardoz - I am printing out the cat/dog one and giving it to the real Mookie!


MOOKIE,It won't help!!!!

Owned by three cats,and one dog!!!!![:D]
YOU,tell them they Don't own the place!!![:D]

Being Crazy,keeps you from going "INSANE" !! "The light at the end of the tunnel,has been turned off due to budget cuts" NOT AFRAID A Vet., and PROUD OF IT!!

  • Member since
    June 2001
  • From: US
  • 13,488 posts
Posted by Mookie on Friday, December 3, 2004 12:21 PM
Zardoz - I am printing out the cat/dog one and giving it to the real Mookie!

She who has no signature! cinscocom-tmw

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Friday, December 3, 2004 11:48 AM
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, " You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Damn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking"
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Friday, December 3, 2004 11:25 AM
Dear Dog and/or Cat:


When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.

The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. [Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that especially pleasing in the slightest.]

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a race track. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I can not buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. [I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.]

My compact discs are not miniature frisbees.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get you paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. [In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years, Canine or Feline attendance is not mandatory.]

To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door:

Rules for non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
>>
>> 1. They live here; you don't.
>>
>> 2. If you don't want their hair on you clothes, stay off the furniture.
>>
>> 3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
>>
>> 4. To you it's an animal. To me, he and/or she is an adopted son and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with wannabe gangsters, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results.
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Friday, December 3, 2004 11:12 AM
This isn't funny as in, "HAHA", but I wanted to share it and did not know where else to post it. Ironic, isn't it, that we pay a bunch of muscle-bound guys millions of dollars each year to entertain us, but we pay the people responsible for educating our children and helping to create our future such a small wage.

SICK OF THOSE HIGH PAID TEACHERS?

I, for one, am sick and tired of those high paid teachers. Their hefty salaries are driving up taxes, and they only work nine or ten months a year! It's time we put things in perspective and pay them for what they do...baby-sit! We can get that for less than minimum wage.

That's right...I would give them $3.00 dollars an hour and only the hours they worked, not any of that silly planning time. That would be 15 dollars a day. Each parent should pay 15 dollars a day for these teachers to baby-sit their children. Now, how many do they teach in a day.... maybe 25. Then that's 15 X 25=$375 a day. But remember they only work 180 days a year! I'm not going to pay them for any vacations. Let's see... *that's 375 180=$67,500.0

(Hold on, my calculator must need batteries!)

What about those special teachers or the ones with master's degrees? Well, we could pay them minimum wage just to be fair. Let's round it off to $6.00 an hour. That would be $6 times 5 hours times 25 children times 180 days =$135,000.00 per year. Wait a minute, there is something wrong here!!!

There sure is, huh????!!


Make a teacher smile, send this to him or her!

  • Member since
    February 2002
  • From: Traveling in Middle Earth
  • 795 posts
Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:56 PM
Over in' out . . .
"There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.]
  • Member since
    February 2002
  • From: Traveling in Middle Earth
  • 795 posts
Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:55 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by espeefoamer

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.The bartender asks,"olive,or twist"?


Nice one Sp foamer . . . . . glycerin slurry on the floor . . .
"There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.]
  • Member since
    February 2002
  • From: Traveling in Middle Earth
  • 795 posts
Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:52 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot cage and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's arm. "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


Happy Thanksgiving!!


Chukle ha ha ha ahahah gruntle tcuckle . . . . .
"There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.]
  • Member since
    February 2002
  • From: Traveling in Middle Earth
  • 795 posts
Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:49 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by locomutt

QUOTE: Originally posted by Sterling1

Originally posted by Sterling1

QUOTE: Originally posted by Overmod



*These quotes are off of the Riddle forum on trains.com*


Eventhough these came from our sister forum,which is good,
THEY SHOULD HAVE STAYED THERE!!!![:D]


Ah yes the junk fro mlong ago, wonder if I should dispose of it?
"There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.]
  • Member since
    April 2003
  • 305,205 posts
Posted by Anonymous on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:36 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Hilarious Classified Ads



FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

=================

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

=================

FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

=================

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free

=================

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat been out awhile.. Better be reward.

=================

COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale.

=================

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

=================

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

=================

NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once

=================

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

=================

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.




[(-D][(-D]

Actually from my local newspaper:

"WANTED: Taxi driver, miust have driver license and criminal record"
  • Member since
    February 2002
  • From: Traveling in Middle Earth
  • 795 posts
Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:33 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

A police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of heart.

If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at the URL. It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real...

http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg







Listen SHUT up! no really I have seen it before but to peal back my mind would put you in both stiches and in contispation . . .
"There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.]
  • Member since
    February 2002
  • From: Traveling in Middle Earth
  • 795 posts
Posted by Sterling1 on Thursday, December 2, 2004 7:22 PM
QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Sending Old Men To War

If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington DC. But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military.

They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year- olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than
28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough o be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a
dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into
submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until
you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other
hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt
through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the
old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m.
Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed
and yelled at, and we actually like soft food. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually
carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts sticking out.

He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum.

All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.


Nice one zardoz

I don't want to send and pay money to a bunch of jack___ who fund terrorists just to get oil to gas up our cars and our lifestyles . . .
"There is nothing in life that compares with running a locomotive at 80-plus mph with the windows open, the traction motors screaming, the air horns fighting the rush of incoming air to make any sound at all, automobiles on adjacent highways trying and failing to catch up with you, and the unmistakable presence of raw power. You ride with fear in the pit of your stomach knowing you do not really have control of this beast." - D.C. Battle [Trains 10/2002 issue, p74.]
  • Member since
    November 2003
  • From: West Coast
  • 4,122 posts
Posted by espeefoamer on Thursday, December 2, 2004 4:27 PM
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.The bartender asks,"olive,or twist"?
Ride Amtrak. Cats Rule, Dogs Drool.
  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Tuesday, November 30, 2004 9:10 AM
Hilarious Classified Ads



FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

=================

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog

=================

FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

=================

GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free

=================

FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat been out awhile.. Better be reward.

=================

COWS, CALVES, NEVER BRED... Also 1 gay bull for sale.

=================

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby

=================

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

=================

NICE PARACHUTE: Never opened used once

=================

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

=================

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

  • Member since
    January 2003
  • From: Kenosha, WI
  • 6,567 posts
Posted by zardoz on Wednesday, November 24, 2004 11:09 AM
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot cage and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's arm. "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


Happy Thanksgiving!!

Join our Community!

Our community is FREE to join. To participate you must either login or register for an account.

Search the Community

Newsletter Sign-Up

By signing up you may also receive occasional reader surveys and special offers from Trains magazine.Please view our privacy policy