Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[zardoz]

A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[AggroJones]

I'm falling out of my chair laughing over here. [(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D][(-D] *** vsmith, are you a professional comedian?

And I didn't know this thread even existed. Good thing I lerked around.

[vsmith]

"That 'll teach him to change my catfood!"


...allegedy overheard by detectives tailing suspect to litterbox.

[Puckdropper]

I usually feed mine something when cooking! (It sometimes happens to be whatever drops on the floor, but they don't care.)

[Mikeygaw]

Cat shoots owner

http://story.news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&cid=817&ncid=757&e=10&u=/ap/20050311/ap_on_fe_st/cat_shoots_owner

[Anonymous]

Although this would be consinderd[#offtopic][#offtopic][#offtopic][#offtopic][#offtopic]I
guess the topic starter lost to the idiginant mookie.Stay into railways Mookie we need
girls too.

[locomutt]

Hmmmm;AAA-AA-C-or D Cells ???

[tree68]

True story - a youngster my daughter sits for daily (her words):

"Michael was playing with the overhead light in my car today and I asked him not to. He asked why and I told him that the battery might die if the light was left on. He was surprised that a car had a battery, being very knowledgeable about battery-operated toys. He asked where it was and I told him, but then he walked around the back of the car, squatted down and looked under the car for the battery door. I laughed and that made him laugh, then he asked “Why am I funny? What did I do?” Very cute. I can just imagine the pictures in his head about the size of the batteries or how they are put in the car. "

[:D]

[vsmith]

OK this was sent to me from a friend, so if yer from here and get offended, blame her, not me!!!


It's time to play .. Arkansas

A guy from Arkansas passed away and left his entire estate to his beloved widow.
But she can't touch it 'til she's 14.

How can you tell if an Arkansas redneck is married?
There's dried tobacco juice on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear that they've raised the minimum drinking age in Arkansas to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Arkansas?
Documentaries.

Where was the toothbrush invented?
Arkansas. If it had been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teeth brush.

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-64 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
The driver replies, "'Bout wut?"

Did you hear about the $3 million Arkansas State Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

The governor's mansion in Arkansas burned down! Yep. Pert near took out the whole trailer park.
The library was a total loss, too. Both books - poof! up in flames, and they hadn't even finished colouring one of them.

A new law was recently passed in Arkansas.
When a couple gets divorced they are STILL cousins.

At the scene of an accident a trooper asked the Arkansas driver what gear he was in at the moment of impact.
The driver replied, "Tractor hat and camouflage huntin' duds."

Folks in Arkansas now go to movies in groups of 18.
They were told '17 and under are not admitted.'

An Arkansas man phoned the local hospital, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only 2 minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?", the doctor asked.
"No, ya dummy!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

[vsmith]

Ohhhh ....the Pain !!!!!!![(-D]

[cherokee woman]

These just in from Arcamax Jokes:

Quick Q & A's

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster and a dog?

A: A***a-poodle-doo!


Q: Why can't you play hide-and-seek with poultry in a
Chinese restaurant?

A: Because of the Peking Duck.

[espeefoamer]

ROFLMAO[:p].

[vsmith]

This is gaurenteed to **** of someone....


An Asian man was trying to exchange yen for dollars and asks the American
bank teller, "Why it change?

Yestoday I get two hunat dollar fo yen - today I get hunat eighty?

The bank teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian man says, "Fluc you white guys too!"

[espeefoamer]

Equinox:
1.Was that a three pointer?
2.Loved it! Those kids got what they deserved[:(!]!
3.I can definately identify with that video!

[CShaveRR]

My youngest sister, a health-care worker, sent me this exercise program:

"Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Just don't over-do it.

"Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at
each side.

"With a 5-LB. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax.

"Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

"After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-LB. potato sacks. Then 50-LB. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-LB. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

"After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks."

[Anonymous]

I offer these links to some humorous videos:

for basketball fans: http://abfhm.free.fr/basket.htm

for the more "mature" members: http://snipurl.com/makemyday

ever feel like this?: http://snipurl.com/offtowork

[zardoz]

A guy walks into a bar and is soon in conversation with a pretty woman. It becomes evident that she's looking for, how do I put this delicately? A "professional relationship."

The guy, happy for the company, keeps on chatting. Finally, she says, "Look, things have been kind of slow lately and I'll do anything you ask for a hundred bucks. There's just one condition: You'll have to tell it to me in three words."

The guy says he'll think about it, so she goes back to her table. Finally, after several minutes he walks slowly over to her table. His eyes are lowered. He puts five twenties on the table. Their eyes meet. In a low voice, he says, "Paint my house."

[JoeKoh]

did you know about the louisiana man that got chased by the cops and got away?
he did so good he needed to call them on his cell phone to tell them he was LOST.
now doing time in an iron cell.
stay safe
joe

[zardoz]

Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned Your Computer and Internet Passwords
==========================================================

10. e-mail flames from some guy named "Fluffy."

9. Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

8. You find you've been subscribed to strange newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnap.

7. Your web browser has a new home page: http://www.feline.com/.

6. Your mouse has teeth marks in it ... and a strange aroma of tuna.

5. Hate-mail messages to Apple Computer Corp. about their release of "CyberDog."

4. Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

3. You keep finding new software around your house like CatinTax and WarCat II.

2. On IRC you're known as the IronMouser.

and the #1 sign your cat has learned your internet password...

1. Little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post!


"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later."

[zardoz]

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton.
Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days.

Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.
The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding
success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they
discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House,
to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked
tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his
meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just
announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80%
of the items discussed?" Exasperated, the Pope answered. "Yes, but we
were talking about the Ten Commandments."

[zardoz]

Nine types of boyfriends:

1) Joe Sensitive - "After I wa***he dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg, Snugglepup.
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy


2) Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell.
Let's stay home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover.
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ***


3) Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you.
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled.
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle.
.

4) Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig


5) Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfil your dreams


6) The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a female dog
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life


7) Ace of Hearts - "After I wa***he dishes let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused


8) The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous."
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"


9) Mr. Right - "While the servants wa***he dishes, let's make love like crazed weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction

[tree68]

Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. "Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"

"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you think. Every marriage has to have its first fight!"

"I know, I know!" sobbed Joanna. "But what am I going to do with the BODY?"

[vsmith]

[:p]

QUOTE: Originally posted by mloik



An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.

We'll, even I would sue for for this.......[;)][8D]

[mloik]

America's jailbirds don't give up. Disappointed by the criminal justice system, this plucky lot still has faith in the civil side.

Last year, the states spent $81 million defending what state attorneys general called frivolous lawsuits. Here are a few favorites:

A Virginia inmate tried to sue himself for $5 million on the grounds that he had gotten drunk and caused himself to violate his religious beliefs by committing a crime. Because he had no money, he wanted the state to pay the $5 million.

A convicted New York rapist sued the state, claiming he lost sleep and suffered headaches and chest pains after being given a "defective haircut" by an unqualified barber.

A Nevada inmate sued when he ordered two jars of chunky peanut butter at the Nevada State Prison canteen and received one chunky and one creamy.

A San Quentin death row inmate sued California, claiming his civil rights were violated because his packages were sent via UPS rather than the U.S. Postal Service.

An Oklahoma inmate alleged his religious freedoms were violated but could not say just how, because the main tenet of his faith was that all its practices were secret.

An Arizona inmate sued when he was not invited to a pizza party that prison employees held for a guard leaving his job.

An Indiana prisoner sued because he wanted to obtain Rogain for his baldness.

An Ohio inmate sued for being denied possession of soap on a rope.

An Oklahoma inmate sued because he was forced to listen to country music.

A Colorado con sued for early release because "everyone knows a con only serves about three years of a 10-year sentence."

[tree68]

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"

[espeefoamer]

1. A jumper cable walks into a bar.The bartender says,"I'll serve you,but don't start anything."
2.A man walks into a bar carrying a slab of asphalt under his arm.He says"I'll have a beer and one for the road".
3.A sandwich walks into a bar.The bartender says"Sorry, we don't serve food here".

[vsmith]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan


What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.


What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time...A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****...

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[locomutt]

FOFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!![:D]
Guess everything is better by a "Dam Site".

[mloik]

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued.

Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action. We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price District
Representative
Land and Water Management Division

** This is the actual response sent back: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic. As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994 being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter... they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams). So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!) Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.


#8212; Thank You,
Ryan DeVries & The Dam Beavers

[tree68]

It would be even funnier if it weren't true...