Would you believe..... (a little humor)

[Anonymous]

Man what I am going to post is "lame" compared to those.


Seen on a Sign


Stock up and save. Limit: one
----------------------
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops!
----------------------
Ladies, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous
figure.
--------------------------------------------------
Modular Sofas. Only $299 For rest or fore play.
----------------------
Semiannual After-Christmas Sale.
----------------------
And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched
in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
----------------------
Tune in next week for another series of classical
music programs from the Canadian Broadcorping
Castration.

[vsmith]

And my FAVORITE quote of all time by Rodney, an off the cuff comment during the filming of Caddyshack that so destroyed the crew the shoot for the rest of the day was cancelled.....


"Hey, whats the worst thing about oral sex? ....the View!"

[vsmith]

IN HONOR OF THE LATE RODNEY DANGERFIELD.....................


Some of his great one liners........

"I tell ya, I get no Respect....."

1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had nothing to play with.

2. A girl phoned me the other day and said,"Come on over; nobody's home."
I went over. Nobody was home.

3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me.Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

4. One day I came home early from work .. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said "Because you came home early."

5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning , put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.

8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never *** fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through."

11. I'm so ugly. My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.

12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."

14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills.
My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.

19. Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid.. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.

20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control.

21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

[Anonymous]

A Southernism from the birthplace of y'all

Heard from a deputy sheriff after making an arrest where the suspect resisted:

"He was bein' so ugly a freight train would take a forest path just to avoid hittin' him at the crossing."

[zardoz]

ALTERNATIVE RETIREMENT HOME


There will be no nursing home in my future.........

When I get old and feeble, I am going to get on a Princess Cruise Ship. The average cost for a nursing home is $200 per day. I have checked on reservations at Princess and I can get a long term discount and senior discount price of $135 per day. That leaves $65 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10 per day.

2. I will have as many as 10 meals a day if I can waddle to the restaurant, or I can have room service ( which means I can have breakfast in bed every day of the week).

3. Princess has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, and shows every night.

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and free soap and shampoo.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5 worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. I will get to meet new people every 7or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light bulb need hanging? Need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day, and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare. If you fall and break a hip on the Princess ship they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

10. Now hold on for the best! Do you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, or name where you want to go? Princess will have a ship ready to go. So don't look for me in a nursing home, just call shore to ship.

P.S. And don't forget, when you die, they just dump you over the side at no charge.

[zardoz]

At Phoenix Sky Harbor airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, an FBI spokesperson said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," the spokesman said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."

When asked to comment on the arrest, one of the arresting officers said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

[espeefoamer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by vsmith

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church, and on being told that
there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter
it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a
horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that
since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.

To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S *** SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and this time it won.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
thepastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ***


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:

NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN


The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get
rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.


The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.00


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE.


The bishop was buried the next day.

[}:)] Bad boy.Go to your room. No soup For You!

[vsmith]

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church, and on being told that
there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter
it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for a
horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that
since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races.

To his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:

PASTOR'S *** SHOWS

The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the
race again, and this time it won.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT


The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
thepastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ***


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline
the next day:

NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN


The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get
rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.


The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS *** FOR $10.00


This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.


The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE.


The bishop was buried the next day.

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

A police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of heart.

If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at the URL. It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real...
http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg

Having seen a picture of the "real thing," circumstances as presented.....[xx(]

[locomutt]

Well after Zardoz's I'm not sure mine can hold a candle to that suicide jumper's demise.

But I'll try: http://www.top-greetings.com/A.py?R=20041014,1I4D

[zardoz]

A police officer sent this to me. It is not for the faint of heart.

If you have a weak stomach, then don't look at the URL. It is a picture of the demise of a suicide jumper taken shortly after he landed. It shows him with his insides now on the outside. You will see the look of horror on the faces of the bystanders. The faces of the bystanders is why I believe this is real...

http://home.att.net/~songs2/Jumper.jpg

[zardoz]

Subject: Old Cowboy

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered adrink.

As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a ***. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as
I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seemsthat everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked,
"Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a ***.

[tree68]

QUOTE: Originally posted by jhhtrainsplanes

1930 Singer Ethel Merman stuns the audience when she holds a high C for sixteen bars while singing "I Got Rhythm" during her Broadway debut in Gershwin's Girl Crazy.

Set Voice on "Stun."

[Anonymous]

WEll, what WAS Dan's temperature. [}:)] [;)] [:D]

<Sorry Dan, you posted then Larry, and it looked like he was suggesting we take your temp. [}:)] [;)] >


A little history for the day. Andrew take note <pun intended.> [;)]

October 14

1912 Former U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt is shot in an assassination attempt in Milwaukee. He is not seriously wounded although it is determined too dangerous to attempt to remove the bullet lodged in his chest, so it remains there until he dies.

1930 Singer Ethel Merman stuns the audience when she holds a high C for sixteen bars while singing "I Got Rhythm" during her Broadway debut in Gershwin's Girl Crazy.

From Centrum's This Day In History site.

[tree68]

"Time To Take Your Temperature"

A CEO-type was in the hospital, being treated for a minor deal. For a week he'd made a complete nuisance of himself,
irritating all the staff, shouting orders and demanding attention, complaining about the food, the bed, the temperature, the weather. Typical big shot.

One morning a nurse's helper entered the room, saying, "Time to take your temperature, sir."

After growling that she was disturbing his nap, the guy finally opened his mouth for the thermometer.

"Sorry, sir," said the nurse, "but for this test we need your temperature from the other end."

After bitching about the embarrassment and inconvenience, the guy finally rolled over and bared his butt. After the nurse
finished, she said, "Stay exactly like that and don't move. I'll be back in five minutes to check up on you."

The nurse left, leaving the door ajar. The guy's back is to the door, and for over an hour, he hears people wandering
up and down the hall, laughing. At length the guy's doctor entered the room, saw the guy with his bare butt in the air
and gawked. Finally, he asks, "What's going on here?"

The guy barks, "Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"

"Not with a daffodil."

[dharmon]

You have got to check this link out, "The Tale of the Painted ***". Absolutely priceless.........kind of reminds me of ....nevermind.....

Anyway, to give credit where it is due, the link was originally posted on Trainboard.com by Virtual-bird.


THE TALE OF THE PAINTED ***
http://www.419eater.com/html/joe_eboh.htm

[Anonymous]

http://www.lolfun.com/funpages/view.cfm/1164

[espeefoamer]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

Have you looked at others your own age and thought, "Surely I can't look that old?

You may enjoy this short story...

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In
1971, why?" "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.



He looked at me closely, and then he asked, "What did you teach?"

Was 1971 really that long ago? That's the year I graduated from high school[:0][B)]!

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by talbanese

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

We have some winners:

dharmon has 1, 2, &5 correct, and has come up with a perfectly good alternate answer to #4. (#3 may be correct in your case)

Noah has #3 "officially" correct; and CW also has a correct alternate answer.

CShaveRR has the "offically" correct answer to #4.

I'm impressed!

Question #4
What about October 6, October 7 and October 8?

That would be SIX words (yes, I know that perhaps technically a number is not a word, unless it is seven ,eight, etc...)

[Anonymous]

A little history for this day, I hope you all enjoy history as much as I do. [:)]

October 11

1919 The famed jazz drummer Art Blakey is born.

1945 Nationalist leader Chiang Kai-shek, and Communist leader Mao Tse-tung have a breakdown in their negotiations. Soon, Nationalist and Communist troops are engaged in a civil war.

1968 Apollo 7, the first manned Apollo mission, is successfully launched from Cape Kenne

From the Centrum "This Day In History" website.

[Anonymous]

The Blonde Examination!

A pretty young blonde woman was visiting her new
doctor for the first time found herself alone in a
small waiting room.

She began undressing nervously, preparing herself for
the upcoming examination. Just as she draped the last
of her garments on the back of a chair, a light rap
sounded on the door and a young doctor strode in.

Coming to an abrupt halt, the doctor looked his nude
patient up and down carefully and with considerable
appreciation.

Miss Jones" he said finally, "it seems quite obvious
to me that until today you have never undergone an eye
examination!"

[Noah Hofrichter]

I thought of the same thing Tom mentioned, I assume this would be good too right?

Noah

[Anonymous]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

We have some winners:

dharmon has 1, 2, &5 correct, and has come up with a perfectly good alternate answer to #4. (#3 may be correct in your case)

Noah has #3 "officially" correct; and CW also has a correct alternate answer.

CShaveRR has the "offically" correct answer to #4.

I'm impressed!

Question #4
What about October 6, October 7 and October 8?

[zardoz]

Some kid's jokes with a sort-of 'religious' theme (if you are sensitive to this sort of stuff, please ignore):
#9660;
#9660;
#9660;
#9660;
#9660;
A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus' mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus' father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n' Mary.''
=================================================================
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.

They were ready to discuss the last one.

The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was.

Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,

"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
======================================================================
A Sunday school teacher asked her children, as they were on the way to church service,

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied,

"Because people are sleeping."
=====================================================================


I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime,
she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer.

Finally, she decided to go solo.

I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer:

"Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail.
============================================================================
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5 and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"
==================================================================
A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"
=============================================================================

[zardoz]

QUOTE: Originally posted by Mikeygaw

not really funny but humor related... the passing of comic Rodney Dangerfield

http://us.rd.yahoo.com/dailynews/fc/Entertainment/rodney_dangerfield/rodney_dangerfield__1921_2004_/*http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20041006/ap_en_ce/obit_dangerfield_2

I hope he gets some respect whever he landed.

[zardoz]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker
function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure...go ahead, if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and looked at the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60, 000"
MAN: OK, but for that price I want all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make them an offer - but don't offer more than $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later, honey! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[zardoz]

We have some winners:

dharmon has 1, 2, &5 correct, and has come up with a perfectly good alternate answer to #4. (#3 may be correct in your case)

Noah has #3 "officially" correct; and CW also has a correct alternate answer.

CShaveRR has the "offically" correct answer to #4.

I'm impressed!

[cherokee woman]

What is black when you buy it, red when you use it and grey when you throw it away: the answer could also be COAL.

[angel]

[CShaveRR]

I think the correct answer to the fourth question is "Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow." Though "Labor Day Weekend" also seems to work, it probably isn't general enough.

[Noah Hofrichter]

QUOTE: Originally posted by zardoz

QUESTIONS: (warning--#2 is rather lame)

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you
throw it away?

Charcoal

the only one I got, assuming dharmon's answers are correct,

Noah